Memories Left Behind
by Ailisraevyn
Summary: Edward doesn’t remember anything about his life before thirteen. Bella's mom abandoned her and her father when she was five. Can these broken souls save each other, or will their past tear them apart? AH, Canon Couples, Language & Drug Use.
1. Ch1: Mr Self Destruct

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. No copyright infringement intended. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: PTB]_**  
**

**A/N: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Nine Inch Nails – Mr. Self Destruct, and We're In This Together.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud. Also, thanks to PTB for betaing.

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***Warning. This fic includes controversial and mature topics such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Retrograde Amnesia, Physical child abuse, Child neglect, Child abandonment, Illegal Drug use, Mild violence, murder, and serious incurable disease. Consider yourself warned. There will be a notice at the top of each chapter stating which topic will be addressed.**

This chapter includes discussion of illegal drug use, sex, retrograde amnesia, and contains mild language.

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_"We do what we must . . . Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."_  
~ Dream, Neil Gaiman's 'The Sandman: Season of Mists'

**Mr. Self Destruct  
Chapter One  
EPOV**

I cranked up the volume on my iPod and tried to ignore my uncle's rambling about… well whatever it was he was rambling about now. His lips were still moving, so I could only assume he was still talking to me. I could deal with other people packing my shit, because really, it wasn't _my_ shit. It was shit bought for me, but I didn't pick it out. That would have required that I knew what I liked when it was purchased. I could even deal with the long-ass drive after the lame-ass flight after the boring-ass waiting at the airport. What I couldn't deal with, was small talk.

Carlisle and I had lived together for four years now, and you would think that he would have caught on to that by now. There wasn't much to learn about me in the first place, seeing as how I didn't know much about myself to begin with. I can't remember anything about my life before I woke up in a white hospital room in an itchy blue gown when I was thirteen. Carlisle was a doctor there and also my uncle, or so they told me. I knew how to talk and basic things learned in school like Math and English and History, but I didn't know what my name was, or where I lived, or who my parents were, or what my childhood was like. I didn't know if my favorite color was blue or green, or if I was an Autobots or a Decipticons fan. I couldn't tell you when my birthday was, or who my best friend was.

I didn't know anything about who I was.

When the nurses and doctors tried to tell me about what had happened, I felt like I was listening to someone tell me about their nightmare. How they couldn't wake up and run to check that everyone was alive and everything was as it should be. I was stuck in a constant loop, forever on repeat. I would wake up, try a new breakfast, walk around the hospital, and watch TV. People would check on me, and I would hear more details about the man and woman I should have already known about, and then go to bed.

Every time I woke up hoping I would remember what happened, and every time I was disappointed. I watched as their faces fell and grew hopeless, but I knew that if I tried to make up anything, they would know I was lying.

Carlisle was the only relative who was willing to take me. How fucking pathetic is that? My grandparents couldn't really afford it, and weren't in the best condition to take in a teenage boy. My mother had a sister who was God knows where sucking God knows whose dick, and my father only had one brother, Carlisle. I can't really complain though. Carlisle was a young guy, only twenty-eight at the time, and living with him beat the hell out of foster care. He was also rich, being a doctor and all.

When I moved in with Carlisle, he tried all the various methods of therapy, including hypnosis to try to help me remember, but nothing worked. I never dreamed, I never woke up screaming, and I never had any flashbacks. They called it a severe case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I just called it fate. Obviously I wasn't supposed to remember something, so why push it so hard?

I struggled for the first two years to figure out who the fuck I was. That shit was aggravating. People always asking you "Do you like ketchup with your fries?" or "Do you like that new single by so-and-so?" and shit. I always felt like I was faking who I was. When I found something I thought I liked, I would wonder if the previous me would have liked it too.

That's what I called myself pre-memory loss - Previous Me, or sometimes EC1 when I was feeling particularly acerbic.

It wasn't until I was sixteen that I said screw it; I liked what I liked now, and that was who I was. Who I used to be, or could have been didn't matter anymore. That's when my _rebellious stage_, as Carlisle likes to call it, kicked in. I discovered music, girls, and drugs just like any other teenager, but I didn't have the pre-conceived notion of right and wrong, morals, ethics, or any of that other shit your parents taught you growing up. Carlisle tried to play catch up, but by the time he realized what I had been up to while he worked, it was too late. I had tasted life in its spontaneous and intoxicating glory, and I didn't want to change who I was again because someone had decided what was good for me.

Yet there I was, sitting shot-gun in some lame rental SUV next to the man who was trying to do exactly that. He thought by moving us to some small town, my issues would suddenly fade away and resolve themselves. He claimed it was because he had a better job offer, but the timing was pretty fucking suspicious to believe that particular excuse. How could Forks, Washington offer a better job than Chicago, Illinois?

I shouldn't complain though, Seattle was only a two, maybe three hour drive away and definitely had better shit than Chicago. For one, the music was much better; there was only so many blues festivals one could take without wanting to kill something. Then there were the drugs. It was widely known that the further west you got, the better the quality.

The song changed on my iPod, pulling me from my train of thought and giving me a few seconds to hear what Carlisle was going on about.

"So it will be a few days before the cars get here, so you will just have to catch a ride with me in the morning, or walk to school on Monday," he said in a calm voice, like he was reading off someone's name and age on one of his medical charts.

"What?" I pulled the ear-buds out of my ears and turned quickly to look at him. "What do you mean I'll have to walk? Fuck that, why can't I get a rental too?"

His lips turned up in an all-knowing grin. "Glad to have you join in on the conversation."

"Whatever," I grumbled and looked back at the road.

"I didn't see a need for you to get a rental; the town isn't all that big. The school is only a mile from the house and the cars should be here by Wednesday, so it's really not necessary to waste the money on a second rental," he explained.

I huffed loudly and shoved the ear-buds back in my ears and skipped the current track, looking for something harder. I held out my iPod out in front of me and cranked up the volume to max, making sure my hands were in his peripheral vision before turning my head to look out the passenger window.

_This is such bullshit._

By six o'clock, we were pulling into the driveway of our new house. It was already dark outside due to the cloud coverage and it smelled like rain. _Wonderful_. I hated the rain. Any cold, wet _thing_ just wasn't my style. I guess I didn't like Chicago much for similar reasons, but at least I had the city to distract me there. In Forks, it seemed everything was green and undomesticated and just plain _boring_.

I climbed out of the SUV slowly, stretching my limbs before putting all of my weight on them. It felt like I hadn't moved in days. _Stupid traveling._ I collected my carry-on bags from the back of the car and walked toward the house. The porch was vast and looked like it wrapped around the entire bottom level. I waited for Carlisle by the door as he fumbled with his keys trying to find the right one. I rolled my eyes and shifted my weight onto my other foot.

"Patience is a virtue, Edward," Carlisle said as he placed the key in the door.

"Too bad I lost my virtue in the back of an Audi Coupe," I said snidely.

Carlisle rolled his eyes and pushed the door open, reaching inside for the light switch. The place lit up in a yellowish hue, illuminating the entire room in an odd antique fashion. Everything was white except for the pale wooden floors. Christ, even the carpet on the stairs was white. You would think that after looking at white walls in a hospital all day, he would want a little color at home. _Apparently not._

"Looks like someone either lacks decorative creativity, or was looking for some innocence and virtue of their own," I said sarcastically.

"The movers will be here tomorrow morning with our belongings. I told the realtor not to bother decorating; we would hire someone to do that later. I thought that maybe you would want to have some input." He turned to look at me over his shoulder as he set down the car keys on the bannister. The look in his eyes hinted at hope, or longing or some emotional bullshit.

I quickly looked away, pretending to take in the appearance of the entry way, and sighed. "Sure, if you want everything decorated in black and leather."

Carlisle just sighed and looked away, dropping his head. "I just thought you might want to make it feel more like a home, considering you seem to be figuring out your own taste now." He sounded distant, or disappointed. I immediately felt bad for throwing away such a simple offer like that. "I guess I can just call a decorating company on Monday and set up an appointment."

"No, no… I…" I hesitated. I hated disappointing Carlisle, but I really didn't have a clue about decorating. "I think dark blue would look cool. You know, like as the main theme or whatever they call it. This place is so damn green, the last thing I want is to be reminded I live in the fucking forest while inside, too." I shrugged, hoping he would take my suggestion as an effort to meet him halfway.

"That sounds like an excellent idea, Edward," he said while smiling. He looked up at the ceilings, then back at me. "Want to see the upstairs? The rooms are supposed to be fucking massive," he said enthusiastically.

I laughed and nodded. When Carlisle cussed _with _me, I knew he was pleased. It beat him cussing _at _me any day. We charged up the stairs and stopped at the top. The hallway was a long, wide corridor with doors on both sides. _How many fucking rooms does this place have?_ I walked along the right side, running my fingertips over the bumpy shit they always covered the walls with. Carlisle and I took turns opening rooms and peering in to see what they were. He took the left side of the hall, and called out "bathroom" and "linen closet," while I found the first bedroom and a smaller room that looked like a study. The last room on the left was the second bedroom, and I called dibs.

I walked into my new bedroom, admiring the size of it and the attached bathroom. I had called the master bedroom without even knowing it, but Carlisle didn't put up a fight. He wasn't home nearly as much as I was to enjoy it properly anyway. Besides, the other one was right next to the study, which I knew he would end up inhabiting more than any other room in the house. It just made sense this way.

I checked out the huge bathroom that was connected by a large archway and my jaw dropped. _Carlisle sure knows how to find a house. _There was a black marble tub big enough to fit four people and a walk-in shower that was only divided from the rest of the bathroom by a wide piece of glass. There was no door, or step to get in, you just walk around the piece of glass. It was fucking _awesome._

I explored the rest of the bedroom and marveled over the huge walk-in closet and attached balcony. I immediately looked forward to smoking out on the balcony. I wouldn't have to cover up the smell or hide behind the garage or some shit anymore. I headed back downstairs to explore the rest of the barren but luxurious house with curiosity.

The living room had a fireplace against the far wall and a huge bay window and bench seat. The dining room was a long, narrow space that I knew would go unused. The kitchen however, was almost as fucking awesome as my bedroom. _Almost. _

It was easily as large as the living room, with black and white marble tile. There was track lighting over the long bar and sleek black appliances that looked like they had never been used.

"Fuck me sideways," I said quietly.

Carlisle chuckled behind me, clapping his hand over my left shoulder. "That might hurt a bit," he joked. I smirked back at him as I walked toward the fridge. Our mutual sense of humor was one of the few things I really enjoyed about living with Carlisle. He said I reminded him of my father when he was my age.

"So why the epic expenditure, Mr. Moneybags?" I asked.

"I figured you only live once, and we're bachelors so why not enjoy it while we got it? Besides, there weren't many houses for sale in this area that were both close to the hospital and the school," he explained.

Close to both the hospital and the school. _Right_. This town was maybe ten miles long, at most. There was no _far away_ from the hospital or school. I rolled my eyes and shot him my glance that called bullshit. He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.

"So, feel up to a trip for food? We could check out the town, grab some grocery essentials, and pick up some pizza," Carlisle said.

Pizza. That was one of the things I would miss from Chicago. People have their favorites and everything, I get that, but Chicago Deep Dish pizza was simply the _only_ way to eat a real pizza. All they had out here was Pizza Hut and shit. _I'll pass_.

"How about some burgers and shit? I don't feel like being reminded so soon of the good pizza we left behind," I said bitterly. He knew I was pissed about moving, and I didn't want him to forget it so quickly.

Carlisle sighed and nodded as he turned around and walked out of the kitchen. I followed behind him and locked the front door.

We stopped at some small diner for burgers and fries. The waitress was all too excited to ask the newcomers in town every typical question in the book. She was also rather quick to flirt with Carlisle whenever she got the chance. I rolled my eyes and huffed into my plate in annoyance. I got my good looks from my dad's side of the family. That wasn't to say that my mother wasn't beautiful, but I was often told how much I looked like my father.

Carlisle made sure to sit me down and tell me about my family every night for the first few months of living with him. At first he thought that it might help me to remember, but later it just turned into a way for us to connect and for him to remember his brother. Sometimes I forgot that he had lost someone close to him as well. It felt awkward though, always trying to grieve for someone I couldn't remember. It felt wrong, like I wasn't doing my parents any justice. I should have been fighting to remember them. Somewhere deep in my mind was the truth of what happened to them, to _us_, but I couldn't help them and it made me hate myself. That's when I started becoming so rebellious.

I started smoking cigarettes when I was fifteen. I smoked my first joint three months later. That same week, I lost my virginity to Tanya in the back of her brand new Audi Coupe her parents got her for her birthday. I tried cough medicine with my buddy Laurent on his sixteenth birthday, and later that month did E for the first time. I found I didn't like the uppers nearly as much as I liked the downers. I didn't like the jittery, wide awake feeling they gave me, and I always felt paranoid. I did my first shot of heroin during the summer of last year, and felt like I found heaven.

That's what landed me here. Carlisle happened to come home early from a shift one night and I was completely out of it. I was completely incoherent and beyond fucked up when he started looking over my entire body for evidence of what I had taken. He found my marks relatively quickly and got me to the hospital. That was in September.

We argued for a few months, and it got pretty ugly to be honest. I started taking off for days at a time when Carlisle had his longer shifts. When he came home and I wasn't there, shit would hit the fan all over again. He threatened to toss my ass in some lame-ass rehab if I didn't straighten out. Eventually, he grew tired of making lame threats and "removed me from the situation," as he put it.

_Like I couldn't find drugs here._

Although to be honest, I really wasn't looking for the hard stuff again so quickly. Not that I planned to quit or anything; I just didn't want to fuck up what Carlisle had put so much effort into doing. Getting him off my back was the important part.

After dinner, Carlisle and I went in search of the grocery store. We didn't have to look long. We picked up the essentials: coffee, cereal, ice cream, milk, and eggs. I grabbed a pack of smokes with my fake ID while he was busy pumping gas, using the excuse of a sudden desire for Cheetos to cover my ass.

When we got home, I retreated to my barren bedroom and sat in the center of the floor, trying to decide where I wanted to put shit. I didn't have much furniture; our place in Chicago was a small townhouse and I was younger when I moved in and didn't need much. Practically reading my mind, Carlisle knocked on my door to ask me if I wanted to go up to Seattle to go furniture shopping after the movers got here in the morning. I agreed, but told him not to bug me before ten. There was no way in hell was I waking up any earlier to go shopping on a Saturday. Weekends were sacred. Sleep was like my religion, and I practiced with intense loyalty.

Carlisle didn't bother me after that and I took advantage of the balcony attached to my bedroom to have a cigarette before calling it a night. All we had to sleep on was pillows and sleeping bags, so I didn't expect to sleep well. When I woke up the next morning with a stiff neck, a stiff dick, and sore shoulders, I knew it was going to be a rough day. I looked at my watch and swore when my eyes finally focused to see that it was only nine in the morning.

I crawled out of the sleeping bag, freezing my balls off, and headed for the toilet. I stopped in my tracks as I took in the bathroom's awesomeness once again and smirked. A hot shower was a fucking must for these stiff muscles. I went about my morning ritual, and rifled through my bag for some warmer clothes for the afternoon. I settled on my black Dickies, a long sleeve black shirt, and my Nine Inch Nails t-shirt. I slipped on my pinstripe Converse and ran my fingers through my hair.

Carlisle was already waving the movers in various directions with boxes, telling them which room everything went in. He looked like a fucking crossing-guard. I sat on the bottom stair and watched in amusement as he directed traffic, yelling obscenities when someone put something down too heavily, or didn't wipe their shoes well enough.

After thirty minutes of hilarity, the movers were finished and we locked up and headed for Seattle. Just being in the city had me grinning like a post-coital douche. We picked out a bigger entertainment system and TV, and I pressured him into getting the fucking awesome leather sofa and recliner. It matched or some shit, and he had said he wanted to enjoy the whole "bachelor experience." We also got bigger beds and some furniture for our rooms. I didn't have a desk back in Chicago, so we added that to the list of items to be delivered on Sunday along with a leather love seat for my room.

I think Carlisle enjoyed spending time and money with me because we didn't argue at all the entire day. He seemed to be in a genuinely good mood and I tried to not push any buttons or be an overly ass-tastic dick. I groaned when he mentioned buying more clothes for the rainy weather, but I managed to slip a pair of Doc Martins into the pile, claiming they would be good for the rain and snow. I shot him a smirk and he rolled his eyes but didn't say no.

He saw through my bullshit, and I saw through his. We were pretty fucking even that way. I reminded him to lighten up and use his sense of humor, and he reminded me to not take myself so seriously. Quid pro quo, or some shit.

Our last stop was the book store. I was amazed at some of the odd shit I found that they carried. I pleaded with Carlisle for the entire Sandman Collection of graphic novels, and a few of the Chuck Palahniuk books I hadn't read yet. I had checked out the Sandman graphic novels from libraries dozens of times, and could quote that shit like it was my Bible, but I never thought to buy it before. He caved, but only under the condition that I help him to unpack and arrange the house tomorrow when the furniture arrived. I could deal with manual labor for my Gaiman and Palahniuk addiction, and agreed eagerly.

The drive home was stress-free. He let me choose the radio station, and we talked about ideas for the house. _It sounds girly and shit, but it wasn't._ We decided to decorate ourselves; there was no way in hell we were letting some chick decorate our "bachelor pad." We settled on going for modern and simplistic look, so we picked up some cans of paint, rollers, and drop sheets from a local store before heading home.

I fished through the insanely organized boxes for the stereo and hooked it up to my iPod to play music while we painted; we drank coffee to keep ourselves awake until four in the morning. We painted the living room in a midnight blue, the dining room in a tan, and Carlisle chose a light grey for his bedroom. _Weird ass motherfucker. _I spent a ridiculous amount of time on my own room, painting the bottom two-thirds black, and the top third the same midnight blue as the living room. It was dark, like a cave, and I fucking loved it.

We spent all day Sunday unpacking, arranging furniture, and stocking the house with the necessities. By the time dinner rolled around, it felt like a home, not just a house. We were both feeling rather smug and accomplished by the time we dragged our sore and exhausted asses to bed. I had to be up at the ungodly hour of six a.m. for school, and Carlisle was scheduled to start work at eight.

"I'll drop you off on my way to work, so be ready to leave by a quarter after seven," Carlisle said as we walked up the stairs.

I groaned and nodded in understanding and said goodnight.

I wasn't looking forward to starting a new school. This town seemed like one of those places where everyone knows each other's business. The last thing I wanted was someone pushing for details about my past because I wouldn't be able to tell them shit. I collapsed on my new amazingly fan-fucking-tastic bed and was asleep in seconds.


	2. Ch2: The Perfect Girl

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. No copyright infringement intended. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: PTB]_**  
**

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: A Fire Inside – Days of Phoenix (morning alarm song), and The Cure – The Perfect Girl.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

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***Warning. This chapter includes discussion of child abandonment and contains mild language. ***

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"_The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."  
_~ Chuck Palahniuk_ Invisible Monsters_

**The Perfect Girl  
Chapter Two  
BPOV**

I woke to the random song on my iPod stereo and considered going back to sleep. I often felt that the song that happened to be chosen by random numbers and mathematical equations knew more about the day to come than any other all-knowing-being ever could. I squeezed my eyes shut and ducked further under the covers.

I was just barely starting to drift asleep when there was a pounding on my door. I groaned and pulled the covers down. The same song was still playing. I didn't even get an extra two minutes.

_Today's forecast: apathy and possible chance of mild repetition._

I swung my feet to the floor and shivered at the contact. I hated sleeping with socks; they always ended up crumpled at the foot of the bed and lost forever due to the sheet monsters, so I slept barefoot.

"I'm up, I swear," I mumbled through a yawn as I rubbed my eyes. I walked into my closet and stood in the center, blinking. _What to wear._ This part of my day was always the same, but held no purpose. No one would care what I was wearing, or even notice if I brushed my teeth. Very few people would even notice if I left the warmth of my bed, but unfortunately Charlie was one of them.

"Hey bright-stuff, what's for breakfast?" Charlie asked.

I rolled my eyes at the nickname and blatant sarcasm over my dark outfit. "How about blueberry pancakes?" I asked as I rummaged through the cupboards.

"Sounds great. So, I heard from Mr. Banner that there is a new family in town. A kid your age and his uncle, or something." Charlie continued to ramble on while I busied myself with the task of breakfast, trying to ignore him.

_I am Jack's bland disinterest, _I thought.

I rolled my eyes at the end of Charlie's monologue and forced a smile before turning around with his stack of pancakes on a plate. "That's great, Dad. Here are your pancakes," I said, trying to sound like I had paid attention.

"Of all the books you've read, you could have picked up a book on the art of faking a conversation, Bells," he said sarcastically. I placed his plate down on the table in front of him and his eyes darted to the pile of pancakes. His stomach rumbled audibly. "Mmm, that smells delicious! Thanks, Bells," he said. _Men. So easy._

Charlie and I ate our breakfast in a comfortable silence. He always got up from the table first, took my plate and cleaned them both before making some comment like,"Well, guess I should head out, thanks for breakfast, Bells," and like clockwork, he did.

"Alright, Dad. See you tonight for dinner at seven."

"It's a date," Charlie and I said at the same time; him out loud, me under my breath.

Everything was the same, and nothing unexpected ever happened. Well, almost never.

My parents were married at the age of nineteen, and were high school sweethearts. They had lived in Forks their whole lives, just like their parents and grandparents. My mother, Renee, dreamed of leaving the small town and seeing the world, or at least another state, but she got pregnant right out of high school and Charlie got a good job working at the police station filing evidence. They decided to settle down and save up money to move somewhere when I was a bit older. At first, it seemed like life was perfect for the three of us. Charlie went through training and became an officer, and Renee started taking art classes to pass the time with me at home.

On my fifth birthday, my mother went out to get the birthday candles for my cake. She was often rather scatter-brained and had forgotten them in the rush of putting together my party. There was a large group of kids, all playing in the backyard and running around screaming throughout the house. I had a tiara made of feathers and fake diamonds and a bright pink new dress. It was the birthday party of all birthday parties.

After an hour, my father started to grow concerned. After two hours, Alice's mom, Esme, went back home and grabbed some birthday candles so the party could continue and I could blow out my candles. Once it had been three hours since Renee left for the store, Charlie had the entire town out looking for her.

She never came back.

She had left the car parked at the grocery store, with a note left on the driver seat. My father never told me what she said in the letter and I never asked. I didn't want to know what would cause a mother to abandon her husband and daughter on her little girl's fifth birthday. I didn't care about what excuse she gave or how she rationalized it. To me, she wasn't my mother.

A mother never abandons her family.

I haven't had a birthday party since. Charlie always gets me a present, but he never wraps it, and he always leaves it on the dining table before going to work early. He always leaves a note that says "I love ya, Bells." Never "Happy Birthday" because it never was. I think that the day is just as difficult for him as it is for me. It's the day he gained a daughter, but lost his companion.

I sighed and shuffled my feet to the counter. I took the rinsed dishes out of the sink and put them into the dishwasher. I added the soap, and clicked it to on. I looked at the small dry-erase-board on the refrigerator for a few seconds before picking up the eraser, wiping off the message that I had written the previous day, and picking up the green marker.

_Yesterday, future;_

_ endless circles of holidays_

_ no one celebrates._

Every morning I would write a new haiku on how I felt about the day ahead of me, and every evening Charlie would write one word to sum up his feelings about the day he had experienced. It was our way of sharing how our days went, or what was on our mind. We never talked about the haiku or the random word and we never discussed any issues at the dining table during a meal. We enjoyed our privacy and our routine had just become another static event in the day of endless monotony.

I rushed to my beat up red truck and opened the door quickly, hopping inside and starting the car. I sat with my teeth chattering for a few minutes while I let the engine warm up.

I played with the radio tuner as I drove to school, searching for the exact position on the dial to bring in the radio station. I kept glancing back up at the road to make sure I wasn't swerving off to the side. I quickly grew frustrated, and huffed in annoyance, smacking my palm against the dashboard. _Today is not going to be a good day. _

I was nearing the school parking lot and glanced back up so I wouldn't miss my turn. As my eyes looked out at the road, I saw something in front of me. I slammed on my breaks, my heart pounding in my chest. I was only going twenty-five, maybe thirty miles an hour, so it didn't take long to stop. When I finally focused on what was in front of me, I gasped.

I noticed the bronze hair first, and then the vivid emerald eyes. The hair because it was shining as a few sun beams peaked out from the clouds. The eyes because they were wide open, fear-stricken, and mesmerizing.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" I shouted, my hand shaking at my mouth as I blinked rapidly.

The boy's eyes narrowed, the fear being replaced by irritation.

"Watch where the fuck you're driving, you bitch!" the boy shouted back. He seemed to take a deep breath as he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. He turned his head back towards the school, and continued crossing the street toward the sidewalk.

I sat there for what felt like hours in complete shock. _I almost hit someone. Stupid, Bella. So stupid!_ My hands were still shaking, and I tried to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. A honking from behind me woke me up from my daze and I eased onto the gas pedal again and pulled into the school parking lot.

I parked in my normal spot, and cut the engine. I stared straight ahead for another few minutes, completely lost in thought. _Why the hell was I messing with the stupid stereo anyway? It's just a five minute drive. _When the three minute warning bell sounded, I jumped. I grabbed my bag beside me, and rushed to first period.

My first four classes went by in a blur. I was still a little jumpy from the _almost_ accident, but by lunch I was more hungry than anything else. I joined the back of the line, holding my black binder close to my chest and keeping my eyes on the floor. I had gotten pretty good at the invisible look.

"There you are. I haven't seen you all morning!" Alice said from behind me.

I sighed and turned around, meeting her gaze as she skipped everyone that had joined the line behind me. A few people began to protest, but she just flipped them off, not glancing back at them.

Today she was wearing her knee-high white boots, black leggings and her black pencil skirt. She had on a modest looking long sleeve top with a sweet-heart neck line. She was in a good mood today, I determined. She always wore her white boots when she was in an exceptionally good mood.

"So, did you hear about the new kid? He's a looker, I wonder what his type is," Alice said.

I rolled my eyes and sighed again, shuffling my feet. I hoped that no one had seen or heard about me almost running him over outside the school parking lot. The last thing I needed was gossip involving me.

"Yeah, Charlie mentioned something about him this morning, but I wasn't paying attention. Something about living with his uncle..." I shrugged as I stood up on my tip toes to see what the holdup was in the line. I spotted Jessica Stanley toward the front, trying to decide which lunch to get. _Probably trying to count the caloric intake of today's choices and debate the ease of it coming back up in the bathroom_, I thought, rolling my eyes.

"Well, I got the scoop from Lauren. I was cringing the whole time I had to talk to her of course, but I just had to know. Apparently, he lives with his uncle who transferred into the local pediatrics wing of the hospital from Chicago." Alice continued to ramble, and I tried to pretend like I cared.

I figured that as long as he didn't bother me, I wouldn't need to get to know him. I found that the less I let people in, the less likely I was to get hurt. My only friends in town were Alice and her brother, Emmett. I used to be friends with Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend, but we grew apart when we were little. Her brother, Jasper, was a trouble maker in the town but I always had a feeling he didn't deserve the reputation he had. Emmett was like the big brother I never had. He took care of me and Alice, and made sure that no one gave us a hard time.

Emmett had worked under the table at a mechanics shop in town since he was fifteen. Alice and Emmett's father, Brandon McCarty, died in a car accident seven years ago. Their mom, Esme, took on a second job to help pay the bills, but things were hard. Emmett became the male of the household and he never complained about it. He would do anything for his mother and sister, and probably me.

Charlie and I tried to help out in any way that we could after the accident. I would often fix meals, and bring them over when Esme just couldn't get out of bed. Charlie would often give me extra grocery money when we went to the store to get them food for their house, and he gave them a ride when they needed it until Emmett was old enough to drive.

For a while, I used to dream that Charlie would get together with Esme, and Alice and I could be like real sisters, and Emmett wouldn't have to work so hard, but it never happened. Charlie was still hung up on Renee, and Esme didn't think she could disgrace her husband by ever being with another man. That didn't stop Alice and I from plotting ways to get them together when we were younger. We quickly learned that they knew the whole time what we were trying, and let the idea go when they sat us both down and told us that love is required for a relationship. We were heartbroken, but we decided we didn't have to have a certificate to make us sisters.

I looked back at Alice when she finally stopped rambling about the new guy and gave her a look that said_ I really don't care_. She sighed, and put her hands on her hips. "Oh come on, Bella! Didn't you see him, he totally screams 'dark and broody;' isn't that your thing? You guys could be perfect for each other!"

I tried to shush her but she just rolled her eyes. My face was bright red and I tried to hide behind my hair. I paid the woman for my lunch and walked quickly towards our normal table with my head down. I tripped in the center aisle just before our table and collided with something hard. My apple went flying and my bottle of lemonade hit the floor with a loud crash. I heard someone cursing, and looked up as I tried to steady myself.

Emerald eyes. I gasped as I backed up quickly. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" I said quickly, my whole body shaking.

"That seems to be all you can say," the bronze haired boy said through tight lips.

"I… I—"

"Save it. I don't care. You would think that nearly killing me the first time would have taught you to keep your head up and your eyes in front of you, but apparently it didn't. I'll say it again, and hopefully this time you'll fucking listen. Watch. Where. The. Fuck. You're. Going." He straightened his shoulders and looked me over from head to toe before turning and walking away.

I stood there, shaking, my mouth open, and still stuttering useless, incoherent words. My face was even brighter red than before and I wanted to run out of the cafeteria.

"Oh my God, it was you who almost hit him this morning?" Alice said from behind me.

I spun around quickly, my eyes wide with shock. "You heard about that?" I shrieked with panic.

She nodded. "Yeah, Lauren said that Tyler saw the whole thing. I didn't know it was _you,_ though," she said.

I gulped and bent down to grab my lemonade and apple. There was no way I could drink the lemonade for a few minutes without it exploding all over me, and the apple was so badly bruised it was a lost cause. My stomach was so filled with jittery nerves, I was partially thankful that my lunch was in-consumable; otherwise I might have been spending fifth period in the girl's bathroom next to Jessica.

"I… I didn't see him. He just came out of nowhere." I tried to explain, but my words felt like they were just taking up valuable air. _Excuses_, I thought.

Alice steered us toward our table and I sat down and threw my head down against the cold faux wood. There was a quiet thud and I groaned. _Why did I get out of bed today?_ I exhaled loudly, trying to calm myself. _Oh, right, because life is a constant loop of inescapable embarrassment and predictability. _Of course it had to be _me _who nearly killed the new kid, and of course it had to be _me _who ran into him at lunch, making a fool out of myself. Of course _he _had to be _exactly _the type I would fawn over if I wasn't completely and utterly mortified. There was no way in hell that he would ever look at me with interest after the spectacle I had made of myself today. His first day.

I sat through lunch while Alice prattled on about her latest boyfriend. Apparently Kirk from the swim team _didn't _pad his speedo. I stifled my gag and tried to tune Alice out as she referred to him as being Olympic-sized.

A lot of people call Alice easy, or even a slut. She isn't, though. Those with doctorates would say she acts out due to her need for attention. The insensitive would say she has _Daddy Issues_. I just considered her my best friend.

Alice was constantly trying to be better for boys, for her mother, for her brother; for everyone but herself. She was always seeking approval. When her father died, her mother holed herself up in her room and hardly came out. In a way, she abandoned her children, only letting herself grieve the loss of her husband instead of helping her family grieve together and get through it. Alice and Emmett raised themselves for the next few months. Charlie and I helped where we could, but I was Alice's age and couldn't do much.

As Alice and I grew up, Emmett had tried to be the father figure to his baby sister, but there were only so many roles one man could take on. When Alice discovered boys, it was difficult for Emmett to handle her. He enlisted my help to keep an eye on her, make sure she was safe and not being hurt, but other than that, we couldn't do much but hope she snapped out of it.

I took one for the team and let Alice drag me around shopping, and invited her over for sleepovers. We grew inseparable. We didn't have much money to shop, so we often went to second hand stores and found what she called the jewels of junk. She could find an outfit, accessories, and matching shoes for less than fifteen dollars on a good day. I swear she had a sixth sense for finding bargains.

After five years of watching her fall apart, I couldn't take it anymore. We were fifteen and curled up in the same bed at her place, facing each other and grinning like fools. I had decided that I hated seeing her fake smiles, and I wanted to see her grinning like she was at that moment more often. I had asked her why she did it, why she let boys take advantage of her the way she did. She told me it was because they made her feel important. For that entire moment of being with them, she felt like she had a purpose, and someone cared about her. I had tried to tell her that I cared about her, but she told me it wasn't the same. That hurt, a lot, but I understood. She wanted to feel love and acceptance from a male, and so she dated them and slept with them to achieve it.

Like I said, she wasn't a slut. She didn't take guys in the bathrooms at school, and she didn't sleep around with a different guy every week. She would date them for a few months before moving on. Boys were like seasons to Alice. Every season had a purpose, a style, and an ending. Some seasons would linger on long past their expected expiration date while others ended much quicker.

Her latest season was Kirk. They had gone to the Winter Ball together, and he finally asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend in January. She agreed eagerly, and they'd been together since.

"Alice, I seriously don't want to hear about your boyfriend's package. Please," I said quietly.

"Alright fine, then what _do _you want to hear about, because from where I'm sitting you seem entirely wrapped up in your own little world," she said bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Alice. You're right. It's just been a rough day for me, that's all." With that, she let it go. We sat in the cafeteria silently for the remainder of lunch.

I opened up my binder and began drawing obscure images of distorted balloons and wilted flowers. The house had been covered with daisies on my fifth birthday, and I still remember what they looked like four days later as they began to droop, barely hanging on to vivid color. They reflected my hope that my mother would return home. I clung to that hope until my heart just couldn't take it anymore, and I let go. I closed the door to that part of my life, and I moved on. I became the woman of the house, and I swore to myself I would never be like my mother.

At the sound of the bell I slammed my binder shut and got up, walking silently to Biology. Alice turned right to head to Math and we waved goodbye. I sauntered into class with my head down. I stopped in the middle of the doorway when a strange feeling came over me, causing the hair on the top of my arms to stick up. I looked up slowly and looked around the room.

There, next to my assigned seat, was the new kid. His angry, narrowed green eyes were locked onto my figure as I stood there, motionless. He was staring at me like I was the most hideous thing in the room, maybe even the world. I shuddered and pushed myself forward, walking slowly with my eyes straight ahead of me, determined not to trip.

I slowly slid onto my stool and kept my binder pressed tightly against my chest, my bag still hanging on my shoulder. I looked like I was ready to run out of the room at the drop of a hat.

"I would say some rude remark about you stalking me, but this time you were here first, so I guess it wouldn't fit," he said.

I turned and looked at him, trying to decipher the tone in his voice, but gave up trying when his eyes narrowed infinitesimally. I gasped and looked down at the table, my mind racing. _Did he really think I was stalking him? Running into him on purpose? _I said the first thing that came to mind.

"I'm sorry about this morning, and this afternoon. It's just been a really off day for me. Can we start over?" I lifted my head and looked at him cautiously out of the corner of my eye, searching his expression for a sign that he accepted my lame apology. I took a deep breath and released my tight grip on my binder. I set it down on the table and turned on my stool to face him properly. I held out a shaky right hand, and held his gaze.

"I'm Bella Swan," I said softly. I stared into his green eyes and waited for any kind of response. After a moment of my hand lingering in the air, I looked down at his hand, then back up to his eyes. _I must look ridiculous,_ I thought. I let my hand drop to my lap, rubbing the sweat off on my jeans, and turned back to face the front of the class. I pulled my hair from my right shoulder over to my left and let it hang down, covering the side of my face. I stared at the chalk board and scolded my stupidity, pleading for Mr. Banner to begin class.

The forty-five minutes of lecture and pop quiz were excruciating. When the bell rang, I was up and out of my seat in seconds, holding the binder to my chest like it was a floatation device and I was stranded in the middle of the ocean.

Sixth period was a nightmare. After the fourth volleyball mishap, and nearly knocking Mike Newton unconscious with my horrible, or excellent aim depending on how you looked at it, Coach Clapp told me to sit in the bleachers. I praised whatever god happened to be looking over me at that moment for small miracles and sat on the lowest bench for the remaining twenty minutes.

On the way home, my whole body was shaking. The lack of food was really taking its toll, and I was terrified to even glance anywhere but at the road in front of me. I made it home safely, but the five minute drive took me nearly ten due to my slow speed.

I spent the day lost in homework, and reading Pride and Prejudice for English. I had read the story before, and it really wasn't one of my favorites, but it wasn't painfully boring like Shakespeare was. When the sun set at six o'clock I made my way downstairs to start dinner. I kept myself busy in the kitchen until Charlie came home.

"Hey Chief, did the world make it through another day?" I asked him.

"You bet. Another day saved due to the sidekicks of society." He hung his coat up on the hook and took off his belt. He unloaded the bullets to his gun and put them in the drawer of the table next to the door before kicking off his boots. "So what's for dinner?" he asked.

"Ravioli, French bread, and asparagus," I replied.

"Smells great, Bells. So did you get a look at the new kid today?" Charlie asked, trying to attempt a playful tone.

I groaned and nodded, trying to avoid the conversation.

"Is he cute? Should I be prepared to interrogate him for prom?"

I turned around quickly with an oven-mitt still on my right hand and scoffed at him.

"What?" he said in a ridiculous tone that hinted at him feigning innocence. I glared back and he sighed. "Alright, fine, it's dropped." He drew a halo above his head and then moved his index finger and thumb across his lips making a zipped-lips motion. I nodded once in approval and turned around to take the bread out of the oven.

We ate dinner quietly. Occasionally Charlie would comment on an ingredient in the ravioli and I would explain it to him. He worshipped my cooking, and found the ingredients I managed to make work interesting. I enjoyed taking care of my father in such a simple way. It beat pizza and burgers every night.

I had learned to cook at the age of nine. I spent most of my afternoons in the library after school, waiting for Charlie to get off work since I couldn't be home alone. I read nearly the entire library, only avoiding history books and romance novels. I even helped the librarians put the books back on the shelves when I grew tired of reading. Once I was fourteen, I argued with Charlie that I would be fine at home, and that I could even run over to the McCarty's if I needed anything. Eventually he agreed, but it took some convincing.

Charlie cleared the table and rinsed off the dishes, leaving them in the sink, while I put away the leftovers. He went and sat down in the living room to watch the recap of the day's sports games he had missed while at work, and I unloaded the dishwasher from the morning.

I completed my nightly routine of brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and repacking my school bag for the next day. I sat on my bed once I was in my pajamas and sorted through my music list, looking for something upbeat to end the day on. I pressed play on one of my favorites and leaned back onto my pillow. Robert Smith's voice flowed from the ear-buds and I found myself smiling as my lids grew heavy. I was fairly certain that tomorrow couldn't possibly be any worse than today had been. But then again, I could always be wrong.


	3. Ch3: Weak and Powerless

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist or author. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: PTB]_**  
**

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

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*** Warning. This chapter contains illegal drug use, and mild language. ***

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_"Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."  
_ ~ Gretchen Ross (Donnie Darko)

**Weak and Powerless**  
**Chapter Three**  
**EPOV**

I was startled awake by a loud pounding. I lunged forward in bed, clutching my chest.

"Come on, wake up or you're going to be late, Edward!" Carlisle hollered from the hallway.

I glanced at the clock beside my bed and had to think about the glowing numbers for a moment before it sank in. The little red dot at the bottom right corner was lit up, signifying that it thought it was p.m. when really, it was a.m.

I had set my alarm properly, but _not_ the clock.

"Son of a…" I mumbled as I rubbed my palms over my face, attempting to wipe the sleep away. I swung my feet out from under the covers, leaving the warmth of my bed. A chill ran through me as my feet hit the cold ground and caused me to shiver. I stood slowly and my limbs ached in protest while my bladder strained with pressure. I had to piss like a fucking racehorse_._ I rushed to the bathroom to relieve myself, and began my daily routine.

I stood in the hot water, letting it soothe my muscles. When I walked around the glass wall, the mirrors were fogged and the air felt moist. I wrapped the towel around my waist and padded into the closet to pick out my clothes. I knew I really didn't have much time to think it over, so I settled on the nearest things that looked presentable for a first day.

My foot hit the landing at an odd angle and I fell straight onto my ass, smacking my head against one of the stairs.

"Mother of a fuc—"

"Edward, try to watch your mouth at school. You don't want to set the wrong impression so soon, do you?" Carlisle said with a stern expression. He was holding the door open, tapping his foot impatiently. No, "Are you okay?" or any show of concern. _Dick, _I thought coldly as I glared at him, rubbing the back of my head.

I tightened my grip on my bag and got to my feet. My head was throbbing and I was fairly certain I might be late for school. _Today is _not_ going to be a good day, _I thought. I closed and locked the door behind me and headed for the car. It was windy out, and a shiver ran through my body. _I forgot my jacket, son of a bit—_

"I got your schedule faxed over this morning. I figured you might be running a bit late." Carlisle shot me a quick glance as he pulled the car door open. I scowled at him and climbed into the passenger seat. _Definitely not a good day._

"Hand your schedule in to each teacher and get it signed, and then turn it in to the office at the end of the day. Also, I got you a map of the school. It looks fairly small, so try not to get lost on your way to any of your classes. I know how you like to not make an appearance at all if you're running late. Don't get started on the wrong foot, here. It's a small town, and people don't forget names very easily. You don't want to be a name the principal is well acquainted with here, too," Carlisle said in a stern, parental manner.

I scoffed and glared harder. I reached into my bag and grabbed out my iPod and began flicking through the list of bands before I found the one I was looking for. Carlisle gave me another weary glance, but I ignored him. I shoved the ear buds into my ears and looked over the papers that he had handed me.

"Advanced Biology? Are you kidding me?" I said loudly. I pulled one of the ear buds out and glared at Carlisle again, this time with indignation.

"The school said that they compared the workload to that of the school back in Chicago and decided that you would be more suited for advanced placement here. This school is a little further behind in their curriculum and they wanted to make sure that you felt challenged enough to stay interested," Carlisle said calmly, keeping his eyes on the road.

_Why couldn't they just leave shit alone? Who asked for them to compare curriculums or whatever they fuck they decided to do?_

I turned to look back out the window, seething with anger. I probably should have been paying attention to where we were going so I would know how to get home, but I couldn't bring myself to focus.

"I won't be off work in time to pick you up, so here are your directions home and some cash for lunch for the next few weeks. Try to stay out of trouble. I will see you at home around eight." Carlisle turned to look at me as he pulled over to the shoulder of the road. He didn't even take me up to the school parking lot; instead he idled across the street and waited for me to get out.

I shot him another dark glare and climbed out of the car, slamming the door behind me. His lips slid up slightly into a crooked grin as he looked back out at the road and drove away. I watched him leave, mentally cursing him for being such an ass after a few good days.

_I knew it wouldn't last for long; it never does. _

I took a deep breath and looked across the street at the building. It was only one story, with a giant fence around the campus. Everything was green, wet, and depressing. It was a shack compared to the school in Chicago. I took another deep breath and headed across the street.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of bright-red and silver. It wasn't until I heard the screeching of tires on wet pavement, that I realized it was a truck, and it was mere feet away from me. The truck came to a sudden stop and I looked at the driver, half pissed, and half still in shock. _The bitch nearly ran me over._

I could see her panicked expression through the windshield as she took deep breaths, staring wide-eyed at me. I took a moment to watch her, to see if she was going to get out and apologize or flip me off, pretending it was my fault. _It could have been my fault,_ I thought. _I didn't look before I walked into the street._

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" she shouted. Her hand was at her lips, shaking as she just stared at me, blinking.

I narrowed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was already proving to be such a bad day. I didn't think that it could get any worse and then here she comes along and proves me wrong.

"Watch where the fuck you're driving, you bitch!" I shouted back at her. I closed my eyes, held my breath, counted to three, and let it back out, turning my attention back to the school. I finished crossing to the sidewalk and made my way to the front gate.

"That would have been ironic," someone said from behind me.

I spun around and furrowed my brows, confused, and not really in the mood for bullshit. Standing two feet behind me was a guy a few inches taller than me with dirty-blonde, wavy hair that came down to his chin. He looked lean and rather built, but not muscular. His style in clothing was similar to mine, but a bit more run down. He was still staring out at the street where the truck was idling. "What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"About how you almost got run over. It would have been ironic, really," he said. He slowly turned to face me with a slight grin sliding crookedly across his lips. His eyes looked slightly glossy, the light green irises cloudy with a hint of pink in the whites around them. "I'm Jasper Hale, and that," he said as he nodded back towards the parking lot, "is Bella Swan, the Chief of Police's daughter."

I looked back out at the street. A car behind the girl's truck honked and the girl jumped and stepped down on the gas, pulling into the parking lot slowly. I looked back at Jasper and smiled, understanding the irony.

"So, you must be the new kid everyone is whispering about. Leave it to Swan to nearly kill you on your first day. She would have devastated the crime rate of Forks; it would have been a tragedy," Jasper said, his smirk growing.

"Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood," I mumbled and turned to head through the gate.

"That's from that movie, right? The one about time travel and the guy in a bunny suit and shit. That movie is great to watch while you're blazin'…" Jasper said behind me, his voice trailing off as he mentioned drugs.

I spun back to face him, my own crooked grin sliding across my lips.

"Yeah, it is. Hey, you get high?" I asked.

"Uh… maybe. Your dad a cop or a lawyer or anything like that?" He looked nervous, probably not sure if he should be talking to the new guy about the drugs he did.

"My dad's dead, so you have nothing to worry about. I'm not a snitch, just looking for a new contact in a new town," I said quietly.

"Well then you've just met your man…" His voice trailed off, waiting for me to tell him my name.

"Edward…Cullen. So what do you deal in?" I asked, nodding back towards the school and turning to walk beside him.

"Mostly just green, but I might be able to score other stuff, if given the time and incentive," Jasper said, stepping into place beside me and walking towards the far building.

"What's your price for a quarter?" I asked, eyeing the various students cautiously as we passed. The school was filling up quickly, and I still didn't know where my first class was.

"We can discuss it later; I don't carry at school. Chief Swan's already got an eye on me, and I don't need more problems. What's your first class?" he asked, nodding to the papers in my hand.

I unfolded the paper and scanned my schedule. I groaned and rolled my eyes. It should be illegal to have math in the morning. "trig," I replied sourly.

"Me too, it's this way. Mind if I see your schedule?" he asked, peering down at the paper in my hand again.

I shrugged and handed it to him. I wouldn't hurt to have someone on my side the first day, and he seemed the type I would hang out with back in Chicago.

"Ah, I have government sixth period, too. You have Spanish and gym with Emmett. He's dating my older sister, Rosalie. Advanced bio? What are you, some kind of nerd?" he said laughing, and handed the paper back.

"No, the school in Chicago was just more particular in their educational standards I guess, so they decided I was far enough along to put me in advanced. I'm still trying to decide if I should play it down a bit, and see if they take me out, and put me into regular Biology," I explained. We had reached the door to first period and Jasper entered first. The bell rang and everyone was already taking their seats. I stopped at the teacher's desk and waited, uncertain of what to say.

"Ah, you must be Mister Cullen," the short, balding man said to me as he looked up through his glasses. He looked like that actor who played the bad guy in _The Princess Bride_, Vizzini I think, and I suppressed my smirk. I nodded quickly and attempted a casual smile.

"Well, let me sign off on your schedule, and you can take any free seat available," he said, holding his hand out and eyeing the paper in my hand.

I waited for him to sign it, and then turned around to find a seat. Jasper was in the back left corner with a vacant spot beside him and a knowing smirk. I headed to the back of the class to join him.

"Thanks," I whispered as I slid into the chair.

"No problem. So, listen, I suggest you keep advanced Biology, otherwise they will screw with your schedule again. Gym is a good fourth period class. Coach Clapp usually lets everyone out early so people can get to the cafeteria first; Emmett's always bragging about it. Government last period is easy; Mr. Jefferson is tired of lecturing the same shit all day and usually just leaves the notes on the board for everyone to copy and gives us the entire period to do homework," Jasper explained.

I nodded and sighed. Maybe advanced Biology wouldn't be that difficult. I took notes in Trig, and was called on twice. Thankfully I knew the answers, so I didn't look like a complete moron. Jasper pointed me in the direction of Spanish and said he would meet me at lunch. He had described Emmett to me during the lecture in first period, so when I walked into class, he was easy to spot. I got my paper signed by Mrs. Goff, and turned to find a vacant spot. The seat next to Emmett was empty, so I slid into the chair and set my bag on the floor.

"So you're Edward?" Emmett asked. I turned to face him and nodded. He held out a giant hand and grinned widely. It was almost intimidating. I squared my shoulders, and shook his hand. "Emmett McCarty. So I saw you talking with Jasper. You two friends?" he asked.

"Maybe; it's hard to determine one's status within the first two hours at a new school, let alone at…" I glanced up at the clock on the wall, "nine in the morning," I replied.

He grinned wider and let out a booming laugh. Everyone jumped and turned to look, but he ignored them.

"You're funny, kid. I like you. Just don't let Jazz drag you down, if you catch my drift," he said, eyeing me wearily.

I shrugged at his warning, and turned my attention back to the front of the class. Mrs. Goff had me introduce myself in Spanish, and say three things about who I was. I _hated _introductions. I told the class that I was new, I was a junior and I hated the rain. Mrs. Goff seemed pleased with my Spanish and left me alone.

Emmett told me about his group as he referred to them. Rosalie Hale was his girlfriend, and he described her as "the knockout blonde" and nothing else. I rolled my eyes. Blondes were over-rated. I'd take a brunette or redhead any day. He told me about his sister, Alice, who was a sophomore, warning me to keep my eyes, hands and mouth off of her. I didn't date lowerclassmen, so it didn't bother me any. When he mentioned Bella Swan, I scowled.

"What, you know her or something?" he asked, confused.

"Something like that. The bitch nearly ran me over this morning. She wasn't watching where she was going."

Emmett's laugh startled the class once again and earned him a glare from Mrs. Goff. "Me perdona, Senora Goff," Emmett said, apologizing and bowing his head.

"What's so funny about almost being killed?" I asked incredulously.

"It's just so _Bella_, that's all. That girl is a klutz and a hazard to mankind, as well as herself. I've known her for years - our families are close. Leave it to her to nearly kill the new kid. Wait until Rose hears about this," he said, still chuckling.

I grumbled quietly and went back to my assignment. When the bell rang, I left the room without another word to Emmett. He was the kind of guy who would get on my nerves easily; I could tell.

I was beginning to learn the building formations, and how they numbered the classrooms, so making it to third period English wasn't that difficult. I recognized a few people from my first two classes, but none of them were the Hales, McCartys or Swan.

English went by in a blur, and I was thankful that the book for the rest of the semester was one I had already read. I could reuse my paper, and the tests wouldn't be that difficult. Things were looking up finally, and I only hoped that my last three classes went by as easily.

Gym was rather boring. Coach Clapp didn't ask me to dress out for class, but I did have to take some endurance tests and questionnaires. Apparently being under the responsibility of a doctor wasn't good enough to ensure I was in shape, and had no health conditions. Jasper was right, though - Coach Clapp let us out ten minutes early to make it to the cafeteria.

Emmett was first in line and took three times a normal person's helping. I grabbed a slice of pizza and bottle of soda and took a seat in the far corner by the window. I watched as the other students filed in slowly at first, and then quickly, filling the room with mindless chatter. Jasper was towards the front of the line, and made his way to the table I had picked out.

"This spot okay? I didn't know where you usually sit," I said as he took a seat across from me.

"Yeah, it doesn't matter really. I usually just sit with Emmett and Rose, but I'm glad to have a reason to avoid them," he said casually.

"So, about our conversation this morning," I said quietly.

Jasper took a bite of his pizza and turned to look at the growing line by the doorway. He shook his head and smirked. "Alright," he said through his mouth full of pizza. He swallowed and looked back at me. "A quarter is fifteen, though it varies depending on the quality. If you want it rolled then it's ten bucks for five cigs."

I nodded and took a bite from my pizza. The prices were cheaper than Chicago, and the quality was probably better. _I love the west coast_, I thought. "So do you think I could get some from you today after school?" I asked.

"Sure, but we can't do it at my place. I can follow you home or something."

"Actually…I am walking home. My car hasn't been delivered yet, and Carlisle is working late," I mumbled.

"I can give you a lift. When will he be home?" Jasper asked.

"He said eight o'clock, but for him, that means more like nine," I replied.

"Sounds good," Jasper said through a mouth-full of pizza.

We ate in silence, watching the lunch line dwindle down and the seats fill up. I stood and walked to the trashcan to toss my plate away. On the way back to my seat, someone slammed into me.

"Son of a fucking bitch," I mumbled as I took a step back to balance myself. I peered down to see who had bumped into me and almost laughed when I recognized Swan's brown hair with red streaks. As she looked up, I tried to keep my laugh and smirk hidden, tightening my lips and glaring down at her.

She was almost a foot shorter than me, and very tiny. She looked straight into my eyes and gasped.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" she said while shaking. She looked terrified. _Am I really that scary looking?_

"That seems to be all you can say," I said slowly, trying to hold back my smirk. She really was as clumsy as Emmett made her out to be.

"I…I," she said, but I cut her off. She may be clumsy, but today was not a good day to piss me off.

"Save it. I don't care. You would think that nearly killing me the first time would have taught you to keep your head up and your eyes in front of you, but apparently it didn't. I'll say it again, and hopefully this time you'll fucking listen. Watch. Where. The. Fuck. You're. Going." I rolled my shoulders back and took a deep breath. _Now she really looks terrified._ I stole a quick glance at what she was wearing, and _fuck_ she looked good. Her clothes hugged her hips and thighs, and her hair made her brown eyes almost glow.

As I turned to walk back towards the table, I heard her gasp and mumble something incoherent. I let my smirk spread across my lips as I took my seat across from Jasper. I glanced up at him, and was surprised to see him stifling his laughter. His shoulders and chest were shaking with his silent snickers as he looked back and forth between Swan and me.

"Dude, that was hilarious. She may not have deserved such harsh words, but it was still funny," Jasper said, still shaking with laughter.

I smirked back at him and shrugged my shoulders. I took a sip from my soda and eyed Swan as she was guided to a table. She looked mortified. _Maybe I was a little too harsh, _I thought.

Through the rest of lunch, Jasper and I bullshitted about the other students. He gave me the run down on the cliques of the school, and I pretended to care. I kept glancing over at Swan's table, and who I assumed was Alice from the description Emmett had given me.

By the end of lunch, the red had faded from Swan's cheeks. Jasper pointed me in the direction of advanced Biology, and I left a few minutes early in hopes of getting a good seat in the back. When I handed the teacher my schedule, he said they had assigned seating. I groaned and waited for him to tell me which seat was mine. He looked over the seating chart slowly and then nodded to himself.

"You'll be in the right row, two back, in the right seat. Your partner is Ms. Swan," Mr. Banner said as he handed me back my paper. I gapped at him for a second before I turned and dragged my feet to the seat.

_Of course my partner is Swan. She's been the focal point of nearly everything negative today so far. Why not this, too? _I took my seat and pulled out my binder. I kept my eyes on the doorway, waiting for her to enter the room. The students started filing in, glancing at me briefly before taking their seats. Swan was the last one to enter.

I stared at her fiercely. She was still walking with her head down; obviously she didn't learn the first two times. She seemed shy, and easily intimidated. I just wanted to grab her, shake her, and yell at her to find some confidence. She stopped in the doorway, frozen. Slowly, she lifted her head and looked straight at me. The hair on my arms stood up, and a chill ran through my body. I fought the urge to shudder. I narrowed my eyes instead and watched her as she slowly made her way to the seat beside me.

"I would say some rude remark about you stalking me, but this time you were here first, so I guess it wouldn't fit," I said quickly, not entirely certain what possessed me to speak. She turned quickly and looked at me through her wide brown eyes. I squinted, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She looked afraid, but also shocked, and maybe a little embarrassed. A subtle pink flooded her cheeks as she turned away quickly, looking down at the table.

"I'm sorry about this morning, and this afternoon. It's just been a really off day for me. Can we start over?" Her voice was soft, and she was on the verge of stuttering. Slowly she peered at me out of the corner of her eye, taking in my expression. I studied her posture and realized that she was shaking slightly. _I really did terrify her, didn't I? _

She released her binder and turned on her stool to face me. Slowly, she outstretched her right hand, holding it in the air between us. "I'm Bella Swan," she said softly.

I looked down at her hand, and then back up at her face. She was chewing on her bottom lip and I had to suppress another smirk. _What's with this girl nearly making me smile every time I lay eyes on her?_ I must have waited too long to take her hand because she quickly dropped it, and rubbed it on her jeans. She pulled her hair over her shoulder and let it hang down over her face, shielding herself from my gaze, I assumed.

The smell of her hair caught me off guard. I remember the distinct scent of different perfumes each girl I slept with would douse herself in. They seemed to think that it was appealing when really, it was just obnoxious, but never had I smelled something so faint and… alluring. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. I nearly jumped when Mr. Banner cleared his throat and began class.

I couldn't pay attention to anything he said the entire period.

When the bell rang, Swan was out of her chair and through the door before I could even zip up my bag. I made my way to sixth period, thankful the day was nearly over, and excited about getting home and smoking out with Jasper.

Government was really easy, just like Jasper had said it would be. We sat in the back and scribbled down the notes on the board. When the final bell rang, I couldn't suppress my grin. I dropped off my signed schedule in the office, and followed Jasper out of the school building and into the parking lot. He put his key into the driver's side door of a Dodge 1970 Black Charger. I stood behind him and surveyed the vehicle.

"What?" he asked as he opened the door.

"Nothing, you just have an interesting taste in cars," I said, smirking.

"It's a classic; you got a problem with that?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow.

I chuckled and shook my head. "Nope."

"What do you drive, anyway? A Porsche?" he said sarcastically.

I laughed and shook my head again. "No, a Volvo S60R," I replied calmly.

He did a double take as he put the key in the ignition and I closed my door. I chuckled and quirked my eyebrow back at him, daring him to say anything.

"So where do you live?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Uh, on Garnet Avenue, it's towards the west edge of town," I said.

"You live in that big white house?" Jasper said, slightly surprised.

"Yeah?" I said, though it came out more like a question.

Jasper whistled, and backed out of the parking space. I saw Swan climbing into her truck as we exited the parking lot. The smirk threatened to spread across my lips again, but I managed to suppress it.

We made it to my house within ten minutes. Jasper went around to his trunk while I unlocked the front door. We headed upstairs for my room.

"So, how much did you want?" he asked.

I reached in my pocket, and pulled out one of the twenty-dollar bills Carlisle had given me early that morning. "You got a quarter bag?"

Jasper nodded and reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a thin bundle and setting it on the sofa between us. I handed him the twenty, and smiled. He nodded once in appreciation and reached back into his pocket, pulling out a bag with a few joints. He took one out, zipped the bag back up, shoved it back into his pocket, and pulled out a lighter.

"Outside. I prefer that Carlisle doesn't know." I stood and walked out onto the balcony, waiting for Jasper before closing the door behind us. He lit one end, inhaling deeply, and passed it to me.

"So what does Carlisle do?" Jasper asked casually as he exhaled.

I took a deeper hit, holding it in for a moment before exhaling. "He's a pediatrician at the hospital. He used to work in the ER, but he got tired of the stress and double shifts, or so he says. I think he switched so he could keep a closer eye on me," I said as I passed the joint back to Jasper.

We spent the next thirty minutes on my balcony, smoking and talking about Forks. Jasper told me a little bit about his family, but I got the impression he was holding back a lot of information. He said that his father was away on business trips a lot, and his mother was rather distant. Neither of his parents gave much of a shit about where he went, or what he did. His older sister, Rosalie, seemed to be the bitchy, controlling type, and he couldn't wait for her to graduate and go off to college.

We went back inside once we felt pretty lit and he looked through my music collection. He told me that he played guitar, and asked if I played anything. I couldn't remember if I ever played anything when I was younger, and I never thought to try. I just said that I didn't, and left it at that.

Around six o'clock, Jasper decided he should probably head home. I thanked him for the bag, and walked him outside.

"I can give you a lift until your car gets here, if you want. I just live a few blocks further down the road," he said.

"Sure, that would be cool," I replied.

"So, I'll be here around fifteen 'til?" he asked.

I nodded. "Thanks again Jasper," I said.

"No problem man, and call me Jazz," he said with a grin, ducking to get into his car. The engine revved and he sped off.

I walked back into the house, grabbing the bag of Cheetos I had purchased at the gas station and taking them upstairs with me. When I walked into my bedroom, the lyrics to the song caught me off-guard.

_"Just as long as I don't feel so, desperate and ravenous. I'm so weak and powerless… over you."_

The image of Swan peering up at me in the cafeteria flooded my mind, quickly followed by the scent of her hair. I took in a deep breath and smirked. _Maybe Forks won't be so bad, after all._


	4. Ch4: Faint

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: PTB]_**  
**

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Linkin Park - Faint.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

_"Until you find something to fight for, you settle for something to fight against."_  
~ Chuck Palahniuk

**Faint  
Chapter Four  
BPOV**

A whirring noise drove me out of my slumber, causing me to groan and stretch. I immediately recognized the noise as one of my favorite Linkin Park songs. I stared up at the ceiling briefly before flinging the covers back and rolling out of bed. The protruding sunlight had already crept through my window, and was stinging my eyes. Spring would be approaching soon, though the constant rain and cloud cover would keep anyone from really knowing what season it was.

Charlie joined me shortly after the smell of bacon had perfumed the house, and we ate in a comfortable silence.

"Efficacious," I whispered. _Charlie had felt productive yesterday?_ Usually he didn't choose elaborate words; in fact, the longest word he had used before was "exhausted".

I erased the previous haiku and began writing.

_Dark altercations;_

_building up a new façade._

_Quiet mask; spiteful._

I took a moment to repeat it out loud before I turned and walked out the door. It was still cold outside, even with a few rays of sunlight peeking through the clouds. I climbed into my truck, pulled out my iPod, pressed the shuffle button, and hit play.

Once I pulled into the parking lot and cut the engine to my truck, I looked around. _Had he gotten here already? Did he walk, or get a ride? _I scanned the lot for new vehicles, but didn't notice any. _Stop obsessing_. I grabbed my bag and slammed my truck door behind me.

As I shoved my locker shut, I heard a familiar high pitched voice from behind me. I spun around, leaned against the wall of metal cubbies and tried to force a smile.

"Hi, Alice," I said.

"There you are! I was wondering if I would catch you this morning. We need to discuss plans for this weekend!" she said excitedly, drawing out the last word in a sing-song kind of voice.

How she was always so chipper in the morning was beyond me.

"It's your day, so what do you want to do?" I asked as I pushed away from the lockers and headed for first period.

"Well, Mom said she's a little tight for money this week, but I figured maybe a movie in Port Angeles, or we could find something to do here in town," she said quickly. The tone in her voice dropped slightly, and I could tell she was a little hurt about not being able to do much on her birthday.

"I'm not sure how far I should push my truck. I'll have Emmett take a look at it and see if he thinks it could make it to Port Angeles safely or not. We could always go out to dinner, and watch a bunch of movies at my place," I suggested.

"Yeah… I guess," she replied.

"Hey, it will be a great birthday. Charlie, Emmett, and I will make sure of that," I assured her.

She nodded, and stared at the ground when we reached my class.

"I'll see you at lunch, alright?" I said, hoping to bring her out of her somber reverie.

"Alright. Later Bella," Alice said softly.

I took my seat and tried to focus on class, but Lauren kept giving me dark looks. After the first thirty minutes of class had gone by, I closed my book and glared directly at Lauren. I held her gaze for ten seconds before she huffed and turned her attention back to her assignment. The exchange didn't go unnoticed by Mr. Berty, but he didn't say anything. I was fairly certain that whatever caused Lauren to be upset with me had something to do with the new guy. _Maybe she wants to claim him already. _I snorted at the idea and a smile crept across my lips. _Good luck with that._

When the bell signaling the end of fourth period finally rang, I gathered my books and slung my bag over my shoulder before exiting class. Emmett's booming voice startled me at the doorway, causing me to jump and drop my books. He bent down to help me pick them up, chuckling quietly.

"Always the klutz," he said under his breath.

I scowled at him and took my books out of his arms. "I was deep in thought, thank you very much. What are you doing stalking my classroom doorway, anyway? Isn't there food to be devoured in the lunch room?" I teased.

He laughed loudly and put his giant forearm around my shoulders. "Silly Bells, I came to talk to you about Ali's birthday." He glanced around quickly and then hunched over, talking quietly as we walked to the cafeteria. "Listen, I know Mom doesn't have much put away for Ali's birthday, but I've been saving up. It's the last birthday I might get to spend with her before I go away to college, and I wanted it to be special. Besides, sweet sixteen is supposed to be big for girls, isn't it? Anyway, I convinced Rose to let us throw Ali a surprise party at her place. I've saved up money from the last two months, and should be getting a bonus when I finish a repair job on Thursday. I just want to make sure you keep her in town, and can find a way to get her over to Rose's by noon on Saturday.

"If you could make her favorite cake and drop it off by Friday night, along with any gifts or decorations you might have, that would be awesome. I know she loves your cake." He grinned widely. I knew she wasn't the only one who loved my chocolate mint lover's cake. "I've got everything else taken care of; just keep her convinced you guys are doing something else. I trust you to come up with something she will believe." He winked at me, and took his arm off of my shoulder.

I laughed quietly and nodded. _How very Emmett, _I thought. "Will do," I said quietly.

His grin grew bigger as he held the door to the cafeteria open for me. I nodded a thank you, and joined the back of the line. Emmett jogged up towards the front of the line and joined one of his buddies, cutting everyone behind him. A few seniors protested, but he just turned around and glared. He could be pretty scary when he wanted to be. They backed off, and he went back to talking with Crowley.

I glanced around the cafeteria for Alice, and spotted her in our normal seat. She was watching me closely. _I wonder if she saw Emmett talking to me. I guess I'll have to do some damage control. _I sighed and thought about what I was going to say to convince her we should stay in town. Better yet, how I would convince her to go see Rose on her birthday.

I paid for my food and took a seat across from Alice. When Alice cleared her throat, I knew she was waiting for an explanation.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound innocent.

"What did Emmett want? He's usually first in line," she said in a serious tone.

"I caught him between second and third period, and asked if I could talk to him about my truck before lunch. He was waiting for me when fourth period let out, and I told him about how we were thinking of going to Port Angeles. He said he didn't think it would be a good idea. Something about the radiator, or carburetor; _something_-orator. Anyway, he suggested we don't push our luck, and stay in town. So what do you think about a movie sleepover and ice-cream overindulgence? I can make your favorite – homemade pizza," I suggested. Alice loved my homemade pizza, with alfredo sauce, chicken, spinach and mushrooms.

"Yeah… that sounds fine then I guess." She sounded really depressed, but I didn't know what else I could do to cheer her up.

Lunch passed quickly, and Alice was unusually quiet. I asked her questions about how she and Kirk were doing, but that only made her more depressed. She told me they'd had a fight last night, and she didn't want to talk about it. I gave her some space, and let her mope in silence.

As I headed to fifth period, I remembered who would most likely be waiting in the seat next to mine. The thought of Edward had my insides knotted up, and I immediately cursed myself for having lunch today. As I neared the classroom door, I could feel something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against my stomach. _Don't look at him, don't look at him, keep your eyes in front of you and _don't _look at him. _

I looked up instinctively as I walked into the room, and our eyes locked. _Dammit, Bella. _I sighed and looked around the classroom, trying to avoid his gaze. I sat stiffly on the stool and took a slow, deep breath, hoping he wouldn't notice.

I was still clutching onto my bag for dear life when the bell rang. Mr. Banner came into class, pushing a TV on a giant stand in front of him. _Movie day._ At least I wouldn't have to work with Edward on some project. I wasn't sure if I would be able to speak clearly or not, and didn't want to attempt it to find out. I cleared my throat quietly and moved my bag from my lap to the table in front of me. I pulled my hair from one shoulder to the other, forming a wall between Edward and myself. My hair grazed my bag as I propped my head up on my hand and waited for the movie to start.

"Twenty-eight days, six hours, forty-two minutes, and twelve seconds," Edward said very quietly from beside me.

I turned towards him slowly, my head still resting on my hand, and furrowed my brows. "What?" I asked softly.

"The patch on your bag," he said calmly, looking from the bag to me.

"Oh, yeah. You've seen Donnie Darko?" I asked, surprised.

He simply nodded and smirked before turning and looking back at the front of the class. Edward squinted when the lights dimmed and the TV flickered on. Mr. Banner adjusted the sound and returned to his desk without a word.

I waited for Edward to say something else, but he didn't speak to me for the rest of the period. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye occasionally, but I never caught him looking anywhere but at the screen. I straightened up in my seat and rolled my shoulders, stretching. Edward continued to look straight ahead. I took a moment to look him over and noticed he was wearing Doc Martins too. My mouth twitched but I kept myself from smiling.

_Maybe I should say something? _

_But what would I say? Nice shoes, want to fuck? _

_Yeah, because _that_ would go over well. _

That wasn't me at all, anyway. Emmett used that pick up line on Rose in the cafeteria once during their third week of dating. He earned himself a sore spot on the back of his head for it. I suppressed a snicker and leaned back towards the table, crossing my arms over my bag and resting my chin on my forearm.

_Maybe leaving him alone would earn me a good spot in his book._ Surely, being the new kid got him a lot of unwanted attention. Well, unless he's the superficial, "look at me" type, but his attitude so far didn't lead me to believe that was the case. I decided to go with the plan of not saying anything to him unless he spoke to me first, and just pray that he cracked.

_Operation: "No, you first."_

The bell rang loudly and I jumped. I glanced over at Edward and saw him smirking. _Well at least he is paying a little bit of attention. _I smiled to myself, pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed to Gym.

Alice was waiting for me when I exited the girls' changing room after last period. I smiled at her as she walked with me to the parking lot.

"Emmett's acting funny," she said.

"Er, funny how?" I asked.

"I asked him if he would mind taking us to Port Angeles on Saturday as a birthday present, and he said he couldn't because he has to work that day," she explained.

"How is that acting funny?" I asked.

"He told me he took this Saturday off, for one. Two, he was all pushy about us not going out of town when I asked him about why he was working. Three, because he just changed the subject and got snippy with me. Something's up with him; I can sense it," she huffed.

"Oh, well… maybe he uh, is just mad about me asking him earlier. He didn't seem that pleased about us wanting to go to Port Angeles alone. Maybe he thought we were going to pester him about it, and didn't want to deal with it," I suggested. _Please buy it._

"Maybe, but I still think he's being mean." She straightened her shoulders and huffed once more, obviously irritated with her brother.

"Do you want me to drive you home, so you don't have to deal with him?" I offered.

"Sure. Thanks, Bella," she said with a smile.

Alice stayed for a few hours at my place while I did homework and got dinner started. I invited her to stay for dinner, but she declined and headed home before Charlie arrived. Charlie and I talked about Alice's birthday, and he asked me to pick up a gift card and birthday card for her. I told him about the surprise party Emmett had planned, and he thought it was a sweet gesture. He asked if we wanted help setting it up, but I knew he had a fishing trip planned.

"Rose and her mother are decorating, and I'm bringing the cake and ice-cream. We got it covered Dad, but thanks," I said as I picked up his plate and began loading the dishwasher.

I spent the rest of the night working on homework, while Charlie watched the scores re-cap of the games he had missed.

Alice broke up with Kirk Tuesday night after she went home. Apparently he called to talk to her like nothing had happened, and it just pissed her off even more. She never told me what he had said in the first place, but I figured she would have shared it with me if she wanted me to know, so I didn't pry.

Wednesday was much the same. I woke up, got dressed, dragged myself through school, and came home. Alice was pretty quiet and depressed, so I decided to stop at the Thriftway and pick her up something sweet. I found a giant chocolate, chocolate-chip cookie, and gave it to her Thursday morning. She seemed to cheer up a bit, but she was still rather quiet for being Alice.

In advanced biology we finished watching the video, and took a test on the material that was covered. Edward still hadn't said a word to me since Tuesday, and I kept to my plan and didn't say anything either. I did, however, stare at him for a solid ten seconds until he turned to look at me. I smiled as soon as his eyes met mine and laughed, shaking my head, and went back to my test. _At least I got him to look at me. _

I went shopping for Alice's birthday presents Thursday afternoon at a small music store in town. I got her a new CD that I knew she wanted, and a poster of one of her favorite bands that I knew she didn't have yet. I stopped by the Thriftway to pick up some groceries, Charlie's gift, Alice's birthday cards, and a gift bag.

The night with Charlie was pretty uneventful and I headed to bed early, unfortunately, that meant I woke up early as well. I went downstairs and read the whiteboard. Apparently Charlie's day had been "Boring", and I couldn't say mine had turned out much better. I scribbled down a new haiku about the days feeling longer, and the world being an empty cupboard, and fixed breakfast. As I got dressed for school I sighed, staring at my reflection.

_Today's forecast: Repetition with a slight chance of awkward moments._

The same song from Tuesday morning played on my iPod as I pulled into the school parking lot. I sat in my truck, focusing on the lyrics, until the song finished. As I got out, Jasper pulled into his normal space, but I was surprised there was no passenger. I hadn't seen Jasper arrive on Wednesday or Thursday, so I wasn't certain if he was still giving Edward a ride or not. At that moment, a shiny silver Volvo pulled into the school parking lot and parked right next to Jasper's car.

I didn't wait around to discover who was driving the new car; I already had my suspicions. I stalked into the school and slammed my fifth period book into my locker. I turned and leaned against the cold metal and shivered. _I will not break. He will crack first. _

After first period, I collected my things and put them into my bag. As I headed out the door, I felt my foot catch on something and fell forward. I managed to only stumble and not fall flat on my face, but my sketchbook, Neil Gaiman novel, and Government book spilled out of my messenger bag and onto the floor.

"Wow, how elementary of you, Lauren. What did Bella do, put gum in your hair?" a familiar voice said.

I turned and saw Jasper walking down the hallway, quirking his eyebrow at Lauren, who was standing to the right of the doorway. Lauren looked like she had seen a ghost.

"Um, hi Jasper," Lauren said, pausing for a moment, "Edward."

Edward ignored her and bent down, gathering my things. _Don't say anything, don't crack._

"You read Gaiman?" Edward said as he handed me my books.

"Yeah, he's my favorite author," I replied, blushing bright red as I took them out of Edward's hand.

"Interesting," he said with a slight grin.

"Thank you," I said quietly, "for helping with my books." I glanced over at Lauren and rolled my eyes. "Maybe next time you'll think of something better than dirty looks and a lame attempt to trip me." I turned to Jasper and smiled at him. "You going to be there Saturday?"

"Yeah, Rose said I could either stay and be nice and get cake and ice-cream, or leave and not come back until ten at night. I'm still weighing the pro's and con's, but your cake will probably tip the scale," Jasper said with a smirk.

I nodded and eyed Edward quickly before staring down at my feet. "Well, see you then," I said quickly, and left for second period.

I barely paid attention during Government, and trig went by rather quickly. I probably failed the test, but I couldn't focus on any question for longer than thirty seconds. Spanish was interesting. I kept trying to re-work the sentence structure, but my mind kept messing up the subjects and verbs and eventually I just gave up. I asked Mrs. Goff if I could be excused on account of not feeling well. She waved me off and told me to feel better.

I wandered the halls for a while before I decided to just head to the cafeteria. When I walked in, the first thing I saw was Emmett heading for the register, followed by Edward. I dropped my gaze and slowly headed for the end of the short line. I paid for my apple and lemonade and took a seat at my normal table. I glanced over at Edward and locked eyes.

_Shit. Shit, shit, shit!_

I immediately looked down at my tray and took the lid off of my lemonade. I toyed with the cap in my fingers and tried to ignore the odd sensation that was causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end. A chill ran down my spine, and I turned in my seat so I wouldn't be tempted to look at him. The end of fourth period bell rang and the cafeteria slowly filled with students. I heard Jasper greet Edward at their table and shot a quick look in their direction. Edward was smirking at me, but talking to Jasper. I sighed and looked back down at my apple. _I must seem pathetic._

"Hey, why the long face, sour-puss?" Alice asked.

"Just a rough day. Lauren is still giving me shit. I don't get why Rose hangs out with her," I said bitterly.

"Ignore her. She's just a diseased hoe-bag," Alice said.

I laughed and nodded, taking a bite out of my apple.

"So, you want to come over around eleven tomorrow? We can go out and pick up some ice-cream, a few movies, the ingredients for the pizza, and head back to my place," I said, chewing slowly.

"Sure, I guess that works," she said in a more somber tone than before.

"What's wrong, short-stuff? It's your day in less than twenty-four hours. Birthday girls aren't allowed to mope. I won't have it."

"I just wish Em would be able to have the day off and hang out. He's going away to college in the fall, and I'll miss him. I know I'm just some tag-along kid-sister, but…" She sighed and shook her head, taking a sip of her water.

I didn't know how to respond to her without giving something away. I was never a very good liar, and Alice always saw right through me. For the fifth day in a row, we ate in silence.

I pulled out my sketch book, and continued the piece I had started earlier that morning. When I looked back up, most of the cafeteria had cleared out, and Alice was throwing away her trash.

_Shit! _I didn't have enough time to make it to my locker for my advanced biology book and still make it to class on time. _Fuck it. Book be damned! _I shoved my sketchbook into my bag, waved goodbye to Alice and ran for class. Of course, the bio lab had to be in the last building on campus.

I made it through the door just as the bell rang, and was completely out of breath. When I looked up, everyone was looking at me with an amused expression. I could feel the warmth of my cheeks, and my lungs burned. I had hauled ass to make it on time, and my face was probably bright red.

I walked to my desk quickly and dropped my bag down onto the floor beside my stool. Mr. Banner eyed me curiously before turning toward his desk. He passed out a handful of slides and microscopes.

"I have passed out the microscopes and material you will be comparing. I am now handing out the paper with the different phases. I want each group to identify each phase, and describe its key differences and purpose. You may use your notes, and your book, but do not ask questions to fellow groups. You have until the end of the period." Mr. Banner said as he returned to his desk.

I took a shaky breath and turned to Edward, keeping my eyes down.

"Ladies first," he said softly. His voice was smooth and even, and I wondered if it were possible to hear a smirk.

_He spoke first._

"I didn't bring my book. I forgot it in my locker and—"

"Don't worry about it. I have mine, but I doubt we'll need it," Edward said quietly.

He seemed like a completely different person. _Maybe he has a split personality. Total asshole, and complete charmer. Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde. _

I reached out for the microscope and examined the first slide. "Phase C. Do you want to write, or do you want me to?" I asked without looking up.

"I'll write. Do you mind if I check the first slide though?" he said. He almost sounded cautious, or hesitant.

I shrugged and pushed the microscope to his side of the table and bit my lip.

"Phase C," he agreed as he began to write down the answer.

"Like I said," I commented under my breath.

I heard him chuckle as he changed the slide. "Phase A," he said after only a moment of deliberation.

"Mind if I check?" I said in a sarcastic tone.

He laughed lightly again, but didn't answer as he slid the microscope back to me.

"Phase A," I said through a sigh.

"Like I said," he said with an amused tone.

I changed the slide out and replaced it with the third one. I looked it over carefully until I was certain of my answer. "Phase B. Want to check?" I said sarcastically.

"I trust you," he said softly.

I looked up at him for the first time since I had taken my seat and studied his expression.

_What is his deal? _

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Nothing," I mumbled and looked back down, pushing the microscope back to him. "I guess that means number four is Phase D."

I glanced at the paper as Edward wrote down the answers and the descriptions. His handwriting was flawless. I didn't think men could write beautifully, but he managed to, somehow.

"It looks like we're the first ones done," he said after a brief moment of silence.

I glanced around the room and saw Mike re-checking slides with a frustrated expression. A few others seemed to be flipping through pages in their book, while one group was bickering about the differences between phases.

I chuckled and nodded. "Looks like it." I propped my elbow up on the table and rested my head on my palm.

"Why won't you look at me?" Edward said quietly.

I stuttered for a moment, trying to find a way to reply to that. I glanced up at him through my eyelashes and looked back down at the table. "You're intimidating," I admitted quietly.

He laughed, and I glared up at him. "What?" I asked, irritated.

"How am I intimidating?" he asked with a smile.

I looked him over, trying to find a way to explain it. "You just… are. I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the first two times you talked to me," I said, my tone sounding rather spiteful.

"I see," he said.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours before Mr. Banner collected the papers. When the bell rang, I picked up my bag and put my hand on the table to turn and stand. I felt cold fingers glide over my knuckles, and I gasped. A chill ran down my spine as I looked back at Edward.

"I just wanted to say I'm… sorry. I had a really rough day, that day, and… that's no excuse." He pulled his hand away and gripped his hair, sighing heavily. "I'm totally fucking up an apology; I really am an ass."

"You aren't… fucking the apology up, I mean… or an ass!" I mumbled.

_How did he manage to get me so flustered? _

I looked up and saw him smirking, and my breath hitched. "I'm sorry too," I said quickly, letting the words rush out of my mouth before I had a chance to take a steady breath. "For… nearly running you over… and running into you. I really am a klutz; I don't need Lauren's help to trip over my own feet." I took a breath and looked away.

_I'm so making a fool of myself._

"Thank you."

I looked back up at him and furrowed my brows. "For what?"

"For not making any excuses. For apologizing, and in your own way, accepting mine," he said while still grinning.

I chuckled awkwardly and nodded.

"So, can I take you up on that offer of starting over?" he asked quietly, still staring at me.

"Uh… sure?" I replied, though it sounded more like a question than an agreement.

He held his hand out and forced a neutral, but serious expression. "Edward Cullen."

I looked down at his hand and back up into his eyes. I could see his expression faltering, but I didn't want to give him a second chance to rethink his offer. I put my hand in his and gripped it gently, shaking once. "Bella Swan."

"Pleasure to meet you, Bella," he said quietly. The way my name sounded on his tongue gave me another chill. I wanted to give him any reason possible to say it again. A playful smile spread across his lips as he gripped my hand back gently.

"Likewise, Edward" I whispered.

He released my hand and bent down to grab his bag. I waited for him to stand back up and turn around to leave, not certain if he was going to say anything else. When he reached the door, he paused. He looked over his shoulder and tilted his head to the side, a lopsided grin forming at the corner of his mouth. "I'll catch you later."

"_I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident.__  
Cause you don't understand, I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense  
__I say what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt  
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out."_  
~ Linkin Park "Faint"


	5. Ch5: Why

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: PTB]_**  
**

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: She Wants Revenge - Out Of Control.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

*** Warning. Mild language and illegal drug use. ***

* * *

_"Reason is a flawed tool at best..."_  
~ Dream (Neil Gaiman's "The Sandman: Brief Lives")

**Why  
Chapter 5  
EPOV**

Bella Swan was an odd, odd girl.

Tuesday and Wednesday passed with few memorable moments. I noticed Bella's Donnie Darko patch in class, and she blushed when I mentioned it. I immediately stashed the image away in my mind and decided to make her blush more often. Then on Thursday, she stared directly at me for at least two minutes, so I stared back. She smiled and held my gaze for a few more minutes and then looked away triumphantly, like she had won some unknown game. Friday was the most interesting, however.

First, some stupid bitch tried to trip Bella when she was exiting first period, but she managed to stay vertical, only spilling her books. Then the stupid bitch tried to play it off like she was innocent when Jasper called her out. Third, I noticed Swan had a Gaiman book, my personal favorite actually, and when I asked her about it, she said he was her favorite author and blushed again. _Double score! _

When Swan asked Jasper about some party that weekend, I realized that they knew each other. I didn't know why I didn't think it was possible before, but it caught me off guard, and I was suddenly upset that she was talking to him instead of me. I shoved the strange feelings to the back of my mind and just walked away with Jasper.

"So, what party were you guys talking about?" I asked Jasper as we walked to second period.

He stopped in front of my Spanish class and looked around cautiously. "You can't say anything to anyone, alright?" I shrugged and gave a quick nod. Not like I knew anyone else to tell. "It's a surprise birthday party for Alice, Emmett's little sister. We're having it at our place and my sister is arranging it with Emmett," he said quietly.

"Ah, that's cool I guess," I said casually.

Jasper rolled his eyes and gave me a pointed look. "My sister isn't one to do anything for anyone else, so the fact that she's doing this… she must be getting something major from Emmett. I only agreed to be there because Bella's cake is phenomenal. Anyway, I need to run before I'm late. See you in the cafeteria," he said, turning and jogging toward the next building.

I took my seat next to Emmett and glanced at him casually. He was staring at me curiously.

"What?" I asked, slightly irritated. _What the fuck is with people staring at me?_

"Nothing," he said and turned to look at the front of the class.

Mrs. Goff got our attention after the bell rang and gave us our assignment for the day. It was a general worksheet, rearranging verbs and sentence structure. I quickly finished the assignment and sat in my seat bored. Emmett finished next and then turned to look at me again. For the first few minutes I ignored him, but after turning in his seat to stare at me for the third time, I was fed up.

"Seriously, what?" I asked him through an irritated whisper.

"You and Jazz are hanging out a lot. You're a lot like him, aren't you?" he asked quietly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I scoffed.

"Your recreational habits."

"Maybe," I said through a huff and turned toward the front of the class, trying to ignore him.

"Look, I don't care about your business, but Jazz is Rose's little brother, and she worries about him. He's pretty into that shit, isn't he?"

I couldn't believe it. He was asking _me _for dirt on his girlfriend's brother? _What the fuck?_

"I don't think that's any of your business," I hissed.

"I know it isn't, but she's worried he'll end up like their mom. Listen, just try and keep him away from the heavy shit, alright? I know you don't know me, but he might listen to you," he whispered back. He sounded like he was pleading but trying not to make it obvious.

I turned and studied his expression. He was being serious.

"What makes you think he's into anything more than smoke? What makes you think I'm not the one into the heavier shit?"

"You're right. I don't, but since you aren't willing to tell me anything, I'm just asking you to keep an eye on him," he replied.

"He doesn't do anything but smoke, alright? He said he doesn't deal with the other stuff, but could get it for me if I asked. I'm the one that you should be worried about corrupting him," I said bitterly.

Emmett just looked at me for a minute, and it made me uncomfortable. _Seriously, did I have a giant dick on my face or some shit? _

"Well, I won't pretend to approve of your habits, but thank you for telling me that," he finally said.

I barked a laugh, and shook my head. A few people sitting near us gawked but quickly turned away. Emmett intimidated them; that much was obvious. I wondered if he ever did anything, or if it was just his size that did the trick.

"Well I guess it's a good thing I wasn't asking for your approval of my life choices," I said bitterly.

The bell rang and the rest of the class shuffled toward the door. I grabbed my books and shoved them into my bag. I turned to glare back at Emmett, but he was already heading toward the teacher's desk to drop off his assignment. I huffed loudly and followed behind the rest of the class.

At lunch, Jasper noted my sour mood and asked me about it. I just shrugged and said that people were staring at me all day. He laughed and made some sarcastic comment about being the new dick in school. Apparently, there was a small whore brigade at Forks High. Who would have thought that a town with such a small population would actually have their very own group of dick-hungry girls?

When Swan ran into fifth period, her face was flushed, and she was out of breath. I smirked at the sight of her, but quickly remembered where I was and stared down at my desk. She seemed nervous or anxious, but I couldn't be certain. When Mr. Banner handed out the material for class, I was relieved. I had done this project back in Chicago and knew it would be easy.

I let Swan go first, not certain if she would be any good at the assignment. I was surprised when she was right but didn't let it show. I teased her casually about being right, and she seemed to get irritated that I was double-checking her work. When she looked at the second slide and asked me bitterly if I wanted to check, I told her I trusted her. She gave me an odd look but didn't say anything.

_Bella Swan, the enigma. _

She wouldn't look at me, and it made me curious. Yesterday she stared at me for close to thirty minutes, and today, when everyone else was staring at me, she wouldn't even glance at me. _What the fuck is with today?_

I asked her why she wouldn't look at me, and she said I was intimidating. That confused the shit out of me. Emmett was intimidating – _I was not_. When she explained that it was due to the first day and how I treated her, I immediately felt like a total asshole.

I sat there for the rest of class trying to figure out what the hell to say to that. She had nearly hit me with her truck, and then she ran into me in the cafeteria, yet I was the one feeling like shit. How fucking backward was that? Sure, she apologized profusely for everything, but it still felt backward.

When the bell rang, I realized I had spent the whole time lost in thought about how to apologize for being a dick and never actually said anything to her about it. I reached out and touched the back of her hand before she got up. The look in her eyes when she turned confused me slightly, but I reminded myself that I was apologizing, not staring into her eyes.

"I just wanted to say I'm…sorry." _Right. Sorry. That's what I was doing._ "I had a really rough day that day and…" _And what? What kind of excuse is that? Stupid!_ "That's no excuse," I mumbled, pulling my hand through my hair and sighing. _Stupid!_

"I'm totally fucking up an apology; I really am an ass…" I mumbled, shaking my head.

"You aren't," she said quietly.

My head shot up, and I furrowed my eyebrows, confused.

"Fucking the apology up, I mean…" she explained.

I frowned slightly. _She thinks I'm such an asshole._

"Or an ass!" she said louder.

The expression on her face was classic. She looked confused and worried but determined all at the same time. I smirked and suppressed my chuckle, knowing she wouldn't understand why I was laughing and would just think I was more of an ass than she previously thought.

"I'm sorry too," she said quickly, the words blending together, "for… nearly running you over and running into you." She took a shaky breath, still looking at me hesitantly. "I really am a klutz; I don't need Lauren's help to trip over my own feet," she said quietly and looked away.

I wanted to grip her chin and tell her to ignore Lauren, but she was right; she was a klutz, and it made me smile. It was kind of endearing, really, and… _where the fuck am I getting this shit? Snap out of it, idiot._

"Thank you," I said quietly.

"For what?" she said quickly, looking up at me.

"For not making any excuses, for apologizing and…" I said, grinning, "in your own way, accepting mine."

She laughed. She fucking laughed, and it was one of the best things I had heard in my few years of memories.

I took her up on her offer of starting over and shook her hand. I felt like an idiot for doing something so cheesy, but it made her smile, and it brought her blush back, so it wasn't all bad. Then, when she said my name, I couldn't stop a grin from forming. The list of things I wanted to see her do kept growing, and saying my name was one of them.

I had to jog to get to sixth period, but I made it in time. Jasper and I took down our notes quickly and put our books away. He turned to look at me, and I rolled my eyes.

"What?" I asked him without looking at him.

He laughed and grinned. "People have been looking at you all day, haven't they?"

I just shrugged and closed my eyes, waiting for class to end so I could go the fuck home.

"So, this party thing… it's not going to be fun or anything, but I figured if you wanted to come over to my place, we could chill, you could have some of Bella's awesome cake, and we could hang out in my room. My parents will be gone most of the day, and if you wanted to stay the night, I'm sure they wouldn't care," Jasper said.

I leaned back in my chair and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. "Don't you think your sister and Emmett should know if I'm coming over?" I asked.

Jasper shrugged and leaned back in his chair as well. "Maybe, but it's not like we'll be playing pin-the-tail on the fucking donkey and shit. We can spend most of the day up in my room and just come down for the stupid song and cake," he replied.

"Alright, I guess. Did you want to hang out after class today? Carlisle is going to be home tonight, but we could still watch a movie or hang out on my balcony."

"Sure, I definitely don't want to be home while they're getting all the stupid decorations and shit ready," Jasper said.

"Do I need to bring a gift or some shit?" I asked.

"Probably not, but you could if you want, I guess," he said with a shrug.

"Well, I'd feel like an ass just showing up for cake and ice cream and not bringing anything with me. What kind of shit does she like? I've never met her," I asked. I leaned forward, the front two legs of my chair hitting the floor with a thud.

"Movies, I think, and clothes and music. Bella and Emmett would have a better idea of what to get. I can give you their phone number if you want?" Jasper asked.

I was torn over the idea. Calling Swan would be more pleasant than Emmett any day, but I didn't want her to think I was stalking her or some shit. If I just randomly called her and asked her about her best friend, she might get the wrong impression and think I was some weirdo.

"No, that's alright. Maybe I can catch Swan in the parking lot before she leaves. Hopefully Alice won't be around," I said.

"Swan? Why do you call her by her last name?" Jasper asked curiously; I ignored him.

The bell rang and I grabbed my bag and headed for the door, not answering his question. I didn't have a good reason, anyway.

I jogged to the parking lot and leaned against her truck, waiting for her to get out of class. Jasper laughed as he made his way to his car and pulled out his phone, keeping himself occupied while he waited for me.

I was relieved when Bella came out alone. The last thing I wanted was Alice to be with her because I'd have to come up with an excuse as to why I was waiting by her truck. She kept her head down until she was right at the front of her truck. When she looked up, she gasped and jumped back, causing me to chuckle and grin.

"I-what-you," she mumbled incoherently.

I just laughed louder and crossed my arms across my chest, waiting for her to form a complete sentence.

She took a deep breath, looked down at her feet, and finally spoke slowly. "Can I help you, Edward?"

I stopped laughing and just smiled. "Yeah, Jasper invited me over to the thing tomorrow. Do you think you guys would mind?" I asked. Better to get that out in the open before asking the real question I came to her for.

She looked up at me in surprise and gasped. "He did? I… yeah, I guess that's fine. I mean it's his house too. It's not like there's a guest list or anything," she said quickly, pink flooding her cheeks.

I tilted my head to the side and wondered why she was blushing. I decided that it didn't matter; the color suited her even without a purpose. "I was wondering what I should get her. I've never met her, so I don't have the slightest clue about what she likes, but I didn't want to seem like an asshole and show up empty handed and eat her cake and ice cream."

Bella laughed and nodded, making me grin with appreciation. "Yeah, uh, that would be awkward. Well, she likes movies. You could get her something you like and hope she likes it? That way it won't seem so personal or anything," Bella said, raising her gaze to look at me for the last sentence.

I nodded and pushed off her truck, uncrossing my arms and sticking my hands in my pockets. "Any clue on what kind of movie?" I asked.

"Uh, she likes romance and drama, mostly – nothing uncommon," she said, shrugging and gripping her bag strap tightly.

"Alright, thanks for the advice. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" I asked.

"Yeah, see you tomorrow, Edward," she replied.

"Catch you later, Bella." I waved casually at her as I jogged around the back end of her truck toward my car.

"So?" Jasper asked as I opened my door.

"So, we are heading to a place where I can grab a movie before we head home," I replied and ducked into my car.

"Thriftway it is then," Jasper said, climbing into his Charger.

I revved my engine and grinned at him through the window, and he laughed, revving his engine louder. We pulled out of the school parking lot, finally free for the weekend, and headed toward the local market.

When we walked in, I vaguely remembered the layout to the store but let Jasper lead me to the small movie collection. We looked it over for a few minutes until I spotted a familiar cover. I pulled it out and grinned. The hospital had played the movie a lot while I was there, and I enjoyed it.

"Labyrinth? What's that one about?" Jasper asked.

I gawked at him, shocked. "You've never seen this?" I asked loudly.

"No, should I have?" he asked curiously, surprised by my reaction.

"Yes! Everyone should see this at least once!" I responded.

"Well, what's it about? It looks weird."

"It's about a stuck up girl who takes her family for granted and wishes that she didn't have to look after her brother while her parents are away for the night. When she discovers her wish has been granted, she regrets it, and goes after the Goblin King to get him back. It's awesome," I said flatly. How could he have never seen _The Labyrinth_?

"Looks like a kid's movie," Jasper said. I glared at him and walked off with the movie. "Wait, you're going to get her that?" he asked.

"Yes, and I'm going to make us all watch it tomorrow night," I said coldly. "Now, where's the wrapping paper and cards and shit?"

Jasper pointed toward the back of the store, and I followed him silently. I picked out a purple gift bag, a generic card that didn't say too much, and went to pay. Jasper disappeared but I shrugged it off. I spotted him in line after waiting around a few minutes, and saw that he had a small gray elephant with a pink bow tie, a large candy bar, and gift bag. I chuckled and shook my head. I guess I did corrupt him after all.

"Don't look at me like that," he said angrily as he took his receipt and plastic bag.

I laughed louder and walked with him out of the store.

"I figured before that it was my house, so I don't need to give her a present, but if the new kid that's never even spoken to her before is getting her something, I probably should too. I don't want to look like an ass, alright?" he said quickly, but something in his voice made his story sound forced.

I laughed again and nodded, climbing into my car. We made it to my place a few minutes later and headed inside. Carlisle was in the kitchen fixing himself some food. Jasper followed me into the kitchen and waved at Carlisle.

"Carlisle, this is my friend, Jasper. Jasper, this is my uncle, Carlisle," I said with a bored voice.

As they shook hands and exchanged pleasantries, I rolled my eyes. "I was wondering if you would be okay with me staying at his place tomorrow night."

"Will your parents be there, Jasper?" Carlisle asked. He knew better than to ask me. I could lie to his face, but a new person in someone else's house was less likely too.

"Yes, sir. My mother will be home tomorrow night, but my father is away on a business trip," he said politely.

Carlisle eyed the plastic bags and then looked back up at me. "What did you get?" he asked curiously.

"A birthday gift for a girl at school. Jasper's sister is throwing her a birthday party, but they aren't staying the night, so don't worry about that," I said casually.

"You bought a gift for a girl, Edward? I'm surprised," he said playfully.

I scowled at him and turned to walk out of the kitchen.

"You didn't get your answer yet," Carlisle said before I made it to the door.

I huffed and turned to look at him, quirking an eyebrow impatiently.

He laughed softly and smiled. "Yes, you may stay over at Jasper's tomorrow, but I would like to get to know you a bit more, if you don't mind, Jasper. Would you like to stay for dinner?" Carlisle asked.

Jasper looked at me and then back at Carlisle. He looked nervous – like a deer in headlights. I almost laughed. _Carlisle was intimidating him? Seriously?_

"Uh, sure. Thank you, sir," Jasper said politely.

"Excellent. Dinner will be ready at six." Carlisle turned and went back to reading the paper and eating his toast and jam.

"You know, you didn't have to agree to stay. Carlisle doesn't know how to fix anything besides breakfast foods and steak and fries," I said as we walked upstairs.

"I didn't mind. He seems nice enough," Jasper commented.

I snorted and shook my head. "It's all about appearances," I mumbled.

I closed my door behind us and opened the door to the balcony. Jasper dropped his bag onto my sofa and pulled the items out. I put some Stabbing Westward on while he put the stuffed elephant and chocolate into the bag and signed the card.

"So, I should probably warn you about my family before you just walk into the lion's den," Jasper said quietly. He moved the gift bag onto the floor and sat on my sofa with his feet propped up on the armrest.

"Okay, hit me," I said as I dumped the contents of my own plastic bag out and began trying to peel the damn price tag off the movie box.

"My father's hardly home, and my mother likes to drink when he's not around. Rose can be really pushy and up in your business. She acts like she's the authority around the house. Just don't let her get to you with any of the shit she spews. She doesn't ever think before she speaks or worries about what she says and how it might affect anyone but herself," Jasper said from the sofa, looking at his shoes as he spoke.

I shrugged and picked at the adhesive with irritation. "Whatever floats her boat, I don't care. People's words don't affect me; especially if they don't know shit about me, which is everyone here in Forks."

"So why do you live with your Uncle?" Jasper asked after a long silence. I had finished picking the tiny bits of the price sticker off the movie and signed the card, putting it all in the gift bag.

"Because he was the only one that would take me," I said coldly, not meeting his gaze. I stood and switched the music over to something heavier and more distracting.

"What happened to your parents?" Jasper asked quietly. I could hear the hesitation in his voice. He didn't seem sure if it was okay to be asking me questions.

"They were murdered," I said flatly. I really didn't want to elaborate on shit. I never showed any emotions when people asked me shit about my family. I couldn't remember them, so how could I grieve or feel remorse? It just angered me that I never knew how to feel about the whole situation.

Jasper seemed to notice my reluctance and didn't push for any more answers. We worked on homework to pass the time until dinner was ready. When Carlisle called up to us, we shut our books and sauntered downstairs.

"Hello, boys. There's steak and fries on the bar. Help yourselves," Carlisle called from the fridge.

I gave Jasper a smug look, and he just smirked and shook his head.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Carlisle asked.

"Just water, thanks," Jasper said politely as he took a plate and filled it.

"Same for me," I replied. We took a seat at the dining table and I was hit with the realization that this was the first time it was being used.

Jasper looked at me curiously and then down at his plate. He looked confused and uncertain. I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out what he was asking me. He looked back down at his plate, then at Carlisle, and back at me.

Oh. Grace.

"No, you can eat, Jasper. We aren't religious," I said with a chuckle.

"Okay," he said quietly, taking his steak knife and fork.

"It's medium rare, if it's not to your liking, I can toss it back in the broiler," Carlisle said as he set our drinks down in front of us.

"No, no, this is perfect. Thank you," Jasper said quickly. I had never seen Jasper act so polite and nervous before. It made me even more curious about his family.

"So, Jasper, have you lived in Forks your whole life?" Carlisle asked as he took his seat.

"Yes, sir. My parents grew up here as well," Jasper replied.

"Please, call me Carlisle. I feel old when you call me sir," Carlisle said, chuckling. "So tell me about your parents. Are you an only child?" Carlisle asked.

"No, I have an older sister, Rosalie. She's a senior. My father, Peter, is a businessman for a pharmaceutical company. He takes trips a lot, speaking at seminars about the latest medical miracle on the market. My mother, Charlotte, stays at home with my sister and me."

"So what do you plan to do after high school?" Carlisle asked, continuing with the twenty questions.

"I don't know yet. I really enjoy playing guitar and music history. I've thought about getting a degree in music, but my father doesn't approve. He wants me to do something like him and my sister Rosalie," Jasper said quietly. He avoided looking at either of us as he focused on his plate.

"What does your sister plan on doing after high school?" Carlisle asked.

"Biochemical engineering or something scientific like that. She took advanced biology in her freshman year at Forks High, and the teachers didn't know what to do with her after that, so they put her in advanced Chemistry for her second science requirement."

"Wow, that's very impressive. You said you were interested in music history. What about any other kind of history?" Carlisle asked, changing the subject back to something about Jasper instead of his over-achieving sister.

"Any kind of history is interesting to me, but I really prefer music history. Baroque music is especially fascinating, along with cantata or vocal compositions, and how they influenced music today," Jasper said quickly.

_He totally just went nerd on me. _

Carlisle just stared at him blankly for a few seconds before laughing. "I won't even pretend to understand what you just said. I imagine that's how people feel when I talk about medical procedures," Carlisle said through a laugh. His phone chirped and he put his fork down. He took his phone off his belt and peered down at it with a frown. "I'm sorry boys, but I have to head back to the hospital. One of my kids, err… patients, isn't taking well to his new treatments." Carlisle stood, taking his plate to the kitchen and placing it in the fridge. "I apologize for the short meeting, Jasper, but it was a pleasure getting to know a bit about you. Have fun tomorrow night and stay out of trouble." Carlisle passed behind us, squeezing my shoulder tightly before walking out of the dining room.

"I'm sorry for the inquisition. He hates talking about work at the dinner table, so he always tries to make the conversation about someone else. That and he probably wanted to make sure you weren't some druggie or worse. I didn't have the best people influencing me back in Chicago," I explained, shuffling my food around on my plate.

"No, it's okay. I don't mind. I just… don't like talking about my family. Touchy subject," Jasper said, dipping a fry into some ketchup.

"I can relate, trust me," I mumbled. "So, do you want to watch a movie tonight?" I asked.

"Nah, I think I should get home. Maybe if I sneak into my room, they won't notice me. I'm sure Rosalie is putting up streamers and shit right now. I don't know why the hell she gives a fuck. It's not like she's friends with Alice," he said as he finished his steak.

"Maybe Emmett bought her something. Who knows. He seems really protective over his kid sister though."

"You noticed that, huh?" Jasper said. His reaction was curious, almost like dread, or something weird.

"Yeah, he told me to keep my hands, tongue, and mind off of her, or something along those lines. I don't date lower classmen, so it wasn't a big deal to me. She's not really my type anyway," I said nonchalantly.

"You don't think she's cute or even semi-attractive?" Jasper asked curiously.

"Not really. Maybe cute, in that pinch-your-cheek kind of way, but not my style – why? What about you?" I asked, looking at him closely.

Jasper shrugged, stuck the last fry in his mouth and chewed. _He's dodging the question. _

"You like her," I said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"What? I do not!" he argued nervously.

I laughed and shook my head. "No seriously, you like her. She's your type. It's okay dude I don't care. You have no competition here, but you might want to wait until Emmett heads off to college, or you might have bigger worries than competition," I said, snickering.

"Dammit, you can't say anything, Dude. Promise me!" He stared at me, panicked, like I could end his life with one word or something.

"I promise man. Chill. I don't care for gossip anyway," I said and took his plate. I set them in the sink, rinsed them off, and turned to clear off the counter.

"So what's your type then?" Jasper asked.

I shrugged, pretending not to give it much thought. "Don't really have one, I guess."

"Bullshit, every guy has a type. So spill it," Jasper said. He leaned against the breakfast bar and watched me closely. That shit made me nervous.

"I've been with a red-head and a brunette before, so I don't really know what you want for details," I said calmly.

"Were they hot, cute, sexy, or what? You so suck at this, Dude," Jasper said, rolling his eyes.

"Why the fuck do you care, anyway?" I barked, staring at him coldly.

"Just curious if any of the girls have caught your eye. I could give you information about them or maybe find a way to hook you up," he said, shrugging. _What was he, the local pimp too?_

"No thanks, I doubt that would work out well," I replied bitterly.

"So you do have your eye on someone," he said with a smirk. "Wait, it's not my sister is it?"

I rolled my eyes and huffed. "No, I don't do stuck up blondes, thanks. It's no one of importance, now drop it."

"Fine, but I'll be keeping an eye on you. Don't think I won't figure it out," he said, laughing. "I'm going to go grab my things. Did you want to smoke a bowl before I head out?"

"No, I'm going to finish up some homework and call it a night, I think. Hopefully I can get all that reading shit done early and not worry about anything for the rest of the weekend," I said, walking with him up to my room.

"Alright, well the party starts around noon, so maybe get there thirty minutes earlier? I have no clue what they have planned, but we don't have to stick around for all of it."

"I'll need directions there," I said.

"Oh! Right! Here, I'll write it down." Jasper tore a piece of paper from his binder and scribbled his address down and phone number. He gathered up his things, and I walked him downstairs. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, catch you later," I said.

I headed back to my room and pulled my books out. I started my U.S. Government homework, and then moved on to English. By half-past-ten, I had finished all of my homework for the weekend and felt accomplished. I smoked a bowl, set my alarm, and called it a night.

I awoke at ten the next morning and groaned. I rubbed my eyes and vaguely remembered my dream, but couldn't recall any details besides a dark hallway and a bright light under a doorway.

Why did I agree to this party? Saturday was my day to sleep in. I cursed my lack of foresight and grumpily got out of bed and took a shower. When I went downstairs for breakfast, I saw that Carlisle's dinner was still where he had left it. Apparently he hadn't been home yet.

I grabbed some Pop Tarts. Wearing only a towel, I made my way back upstairs to pick out some clothes. I chose black Dickies and a black button-down shirt with gray and red pinstripes. I slipped on my black and red Converse and double-checked my hair. I ran my hand through it a few times for good measure and grabbed the gift bag, keys, and wallet before heading down to my car.

I made it to Jasper's place twenty minutes after eleven. I rang the doorbell and heard a lot of commotion. Jasper jerked the door open and sighed, his face visibly relaxing as he smiled.

"Hey man, glad you could make it. I'm going crazy. Come on in. The girls should be here soon," Jasper said quickly, waving me into the house.

I looked around as I crossed the threshold and smiled. It looked cozy and warm. The place was decorated in various woods and had an authentic feeling to it. It felt like a den. There were lavender streamers everywhere and a huge handmade banner that said, "Happy Sweet 16 Ali!" I smirked at the handwriting and determined that Emmett must have made it.

"Let me take that for you. I'll put it with the rest," Jasper said, taking the gift bag from me and waving me into the room.

"Hey Edward! This is my girl, Rose. Rose, this is that new kid, Edward," Emmett said loudly with a grin. He wrapped his arm around her waist, and she looked at me through narrowed eyes.

"Edward," she said coldly, extending her hand.

I took her hand and gripped gently, shaking it. She narrowed her eyes further and gripped tighter. _Was this chick for real? _I suppressed my laugh at her attempt to be intimidating and just smiled lazily at her. She huffed and turned away, dropping my hand and walked into another room. Emmett just shrugged and followed behind her like he was attached on a string. I wondered what moved first, his dick or his feet. I snorted when they were out of earshot and looked for Jasper.

"Dude, your sister is something else. Are you sure she's a chick?" I asked when I spotted him at the stereo around the corner of the entryway.

Jasper laughed loudly and smirked, giving me a quick glance as he shook his head. "She is, trust me. Only a chick could have mood swings like hers," he said as he looked through some music.

"What are you looking for?" I asked.

"Anything that's not Tom Petty or Janis Joplin. Jesus my parents have limited taste in music. Pick a different genre for crying out loud," Jasper said as he flipped through a booklet of CDs.

"Carlisle listens to The Doors and Fleetwood Mac. Trust me, it could be worse. I have my iPod if you want to hook it up to the speakers." I offered.

"Sure, you got anything mainstream and Rose approved on there?" Jasper said sarcastically.

I laughed and shrugged, handing him my iPod and connector. "Maybe. There's some Switchfoot and All-American-Rejects on there. I don't know what she listens to," I said casually. I really didn't give a fuck what she listened to. This was for Alice, so shouldn't it be what she liked?

"That should work. I'll throw a playlist together and put it on shuffle. Thanks man." Jasper opened up the laptop on the desk beside him and plugged in my iPod.

"No problem. I'm glad I could save us all from a musical catastrophe," I replied with a smirk.

I took a seat on the sofa and looked around. There was a pile of family photos on the fireplace mantel and a handful of school photos on the end tables. The place looked cared for, and the photos showed a rather happy looking family. I briefly wondered what would cause Jasper to be so negative about his family but decided against asking. Who was I to push for details when I didn't want to discuss my past either?

"So, are you sure you want to just stick around for the cake part? You don't want to sit around and try to make a good impression all afternoon?" I said teasingly.

Jasper scowled at me and went back to making a playlist. "You said you wouldn't say anything," he said sternly.

"And I'm not! I'm just asking a casual question. You're the one turning it into something else," I said with a smirk.

Jasper rolled his eyes and huffed loudly. He finished making the playlist and unplugged the iPod from the laptop. He hooked it up to the speakers and pressed play. A familiar drumbeat flowed from the stereo, and Jasper grinned with accomplishment.

"So, what's the plan for this shindig? I don't do birthdays, so I don't know what's typical," I said once Jasper joined me on the couch.

"I think they just wanted to open her presents, and have cake and ice cream, and maybe watch some movies. I don't know if they planned dinner or not. I've been keeping out of the way and not asking questions," Jasper said as he turned on the TV and muted it.

The doorbell rang and Emmett came crashing through the kitchen door with a serious look on his face. Rose was right behind him and waving eagerly at us to get the hell over there. Jasper and I exchanged a glance, and he sprang to his feet. I followed slowly behind him and stood in the back.

Emmett peeked through the peephole and gave a thumbs-up. He opened the door quickly and smirked.

"Surprise!" Emmett boomed with Rose and Jasper coming in a few seconds later.

I just smiled casually in the back and took in the two guests expressions. Alice's jaw dropped and her eyes were wide while Bella stood next to her, grinning from ear to ear. I'd never seen her look so happy. Bella turned to look at Alice and squeezed her arm. Alice began squealing in a high pitch but I kept my eyes on Bella. She bit her lower lip and pushed gently against Alice's lower back, encouraging her to go inside.

When Bella looked back up, our eyes connected and a faint pink flooded her cheeks. She cast her eyes downward and tugged on her lower lip as she walked inside behind Alice.

"Edward," she said quietly as she passed me, looking at me through her eyelashes and then looking down again.

"Hello, Bella," I said gently. I smirked at her blush and turned to Alice. "Hello, Alice. We haven't met, but happy birthday." I held my hand out politely, but she didn't take it. Instead, she threw herself into my arms and squealed fiercely.

"Thank you!" she squeaked. She was almost vibrating with excitement, and I had no clue how someone so petite could have so much energy. I hugged her politely and set her back down on the ground, smiling. She was short, so incredibly short that she barely reached my shoulders.

Jasper eyed me, but I just shrugged. _She threw herself at me, not vice-versa, buddy. _Alice continued with her high pitch excitement and hugs until Rose ushered us all into the living room.

"We didn't have much planned because we didn't know if you and Bella had made arrangements for the day. We thought we could do cake and ice cream and give you your presents," Rose said through a bright smile. She looked genuinely happy and pleased to be saying it, but I had my doubts.

Alice turned and looked at the pile of gifts and then back at the group of us standing around the couches before squealing again. "Oh my gosh. Thank you!"

Sporting a giant grin, Emmett picked her up and spun her around. "Anything for my kid-sis. So, did you guys have plans for the night?" he asked as he set her back down.

"Actually, we were just going to watch movies and eat ice cream. I planned on making pizza for her since it's her favorite, but I brought everything with me, so I could just make it here," Bella said from behind the sofa.

"Sounds great! How about you drop off the food in the kitchen, and we can let Ali open her presents, and then you can get started on dinner?" Emmett boomed excitedly.

"Sure, that's fine. I'll be right back," Bella said with a smile.

Emmett passed out Alice's gifts, and when Bella returned from the kitchen, Alice began opening them. She made the same high pitch noises every time she saw what each gift was and hugged whomever it happened to be from in a vibrating wave of thank you. When she got to mine, she was surprised I even got her anything.

"It's a favorite of mine, I watched it a lot back in Chicago when I was… younger," I said casually, shrugging off the importance she seemed to be pouring into the gesture.

She smiled brightly and hugged me, thanking me profusely for the gift, and I smiled back. I had no clue how to act at parties, and this was all a bit much for me to take in. I seriously needed a break from all the excitement.

Almost on cue, Bella stood up and said she was going to start dinner. She walked around the couch and glanced up at me as she passed.

I turned and touched her arm, and a shiver ran down my spine. I smiled as she turned and looked at me, slightly surprised and my favorite shade of pink. "Did you need some help? I feel a bit out of place," I said quietly. The rest of the room was occupied with Alice and her gifts, and didn't notice me speaking.

"Uh, sure, if you want," she said while biting her lip.

I followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. She busied herself like it was second nature to her, and it was rather fascinating to watch. Once she had everything laid out on the counter, she looked up at me curiously.

"What?" she asked.

"Just watching. You enjoy cooking, don't you?" I asked with a slight grin.

She blushed again. _Score. _"Yeah, I do. I've been cooking for Charlie since I was nine, but it was never really a chore to me." She shrugged and began cutting up various ingredients and putting them in bowls.

"Can I help with anything? I don't really have many talents in the kitchen, but I follow orders fairly well," I said politely.

"Sure, um, you can wash those vegetables, grate the cheese, and open the cans for me," she replied while she continued chopping.

"So why did you start cooking at such a young age?" I asked as I took a seat in the bar stool to grate the cheese.

"Because I got tired of take out. Charlie can't cook anything but eggs and bacon. I had a lot of time on my hands, so I taught myself to cook," she said quietly.

"Oh. So your mother then…" I began to say but trailed off. She looked uncomfortable.

"My mother left us when I was five," she said softly. She cleared her throat and turned to wash her hands.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay. I'm just used to the entire town knowing, so it's weird for there to be someone asking questions after all of these years." She turned on the stove, added things to the pan, and waited.

"I'm not good at this talking thing. I'm better at watching. I didn't mean to bring up your past," I mumbled and finished grating the cheese.

She turned and looked at me with a confused expression. "What do you mean? Watching?"

I looked up and thought about what I had just said. "Oh! No, I didn't mean it like that. God, I'm not some creepy stalker sitting in a tree, watching people. I just meant that…" I sighed and shook my head. _Way to sound crazy, Edward. _

Bella laughed and grinned. "It's okay. I get it."

We continued in silence, and the room felt lighter. I watched as she cooked and leaned against the counter when I had finished with the tasks she had given me. She showed me how to make a pizza as she made Alice and Emmett's. She had me ask Jasper and Rose what they wanted on theirs as she made her own. When I came back, she had pulled the cake out of the fridge and set it on the counter. It looked amazing.

She began Jasper and Rose's pizzas as I eyed the cake. It looked better than the kind you buy at the store, and I could only imagine how much better it tasted.

"What do you want on your pizza?" she asked as she began kneading out the dough.

"Oh. Uh. I'm used to Chicago deep-dish, so I don't know what you guys do out here on the west coast. I guess just a supreme?" I said with a shrug.

"I can make you a deep-dish personal size, if you want? I should have enough dough," she said with a smile.

"I… oh… you don't have to do that, it's okay," I mumbled.

"No, it's okay. The pizza will just be a bit smaller, if that's okay with you?" she asked politely.

I nodded and smiled back. "Thanks."

"No problem. So what brought you to the tiny town of Forks?" she asked casually.

"Oh. Well… Carlisle thought it would be better for me out here, I guess," I said. It was the truth, just not all the details.

"Is that your…" She struggled for the word, and I cut her off before she felt awkward.

"Uncle. He's a pediatrician at the hospital. I've been with him since I was thirteen," I said, offering the information I was used to people asking for next.

"Oh. I won't pry you for details, sorry." She bit her lower lip and finished making my pizza. She put the first four into the oven and set a timer. "I'll put ours in last. Yours will need more direct heat to bake the dough all the way through."

We joined the rest of the group in the living room as the pizzas cooked. Jasper eyed me suspiciously, but I just shrugged. Bella left to check on the pizzas after a while, and we all settled onto the couch. When she said that dinner was ready, we all made our way into the dining room.

Dinner passed without incident, and we moved onto cake and ice cream. Bella's cooking was phenomenal, just as Jasper had claimed. Her baking skills were equally as great, and I wondered if she planned to be a chef for a career. Jasper suggested we watch a movie, and everyone agreed. We made our way into the living room, but Rose asked Jasper to wait.

We all found a seat; Alice sat in a recliner, and Emmett took the loveseat, waiting for Rosalie. Bella took one end of the couch, and I took the other. She had curled her feet under her and leaned into the corner, balling herself up; she looked cold. Just as I was about to ask her if she wanted me to ask Jasper for a blanket, there was shouting from the dining room.

"I don't care, Jazz! You need to knock the shit off! I'm not always going to be here to take care of you, and Mom sure as hell won't!" Rosalie shouted.

"I know that Rose, Jesus, I'm not an invalid! It's my life and my choices so just stay the fuck out of it!" Jasper barked back.

"No! It's my business too, and you need to grow the fuck up!" There was a commotion behind the door and a loud huff. "Be fucking reasonable, Jasper!"

I looked down, uncomfortable at overhearing the conversation. "Reason is a flawed tool at best," I mumbled.

I heard the words echoed back a fraction of a second later from beside me and looked up at Bella, shocked. She was staring at me with wide eyes and swallowed.

"You read Sandman?" I whispered. She nodded and looked down at the table in front of her.

The yelling had continued during our exchange. Emmett stood up and headed into the dining room.

"Hey!" he said loudly in a commanding voice. There were muffled voices, and then Jasper pushed through the door and stormed into the living room. He threw himself down into a beanbag beside the recliner and huffed loudly. His jaw was rigid, and his eyes looked wild; he was livid. I stood and cleared my throat to get his attention. He looked up at me, and I nodded towards the hallway. He stood and walked down the hall and into a room on the right. He turned on the light switch, and I closed the door behind me.

"What's up? Why did she start shit now?" I asked quietly.

"I don't know!" he said loudly. He seemed to realize how loud he was and sighed. "I don't know," he repeated quieter. "She just cornered me after everyone walked out and asked me if I invited you over just so we could get high all night and get food and cake. It pissed me the fuck off, man. Who the hell does she think I am, some stoner idiot? I haven't even smoked today."

"Did you tell her that?" I asked.

"Yes! And she just rolled her eyes like she didn't believe me. Then she started bitching about being responsible and shit, and I just lost it. Fuck her and her damn high horse," Jasper fumed.

"Jasper, chill. She's just being a bitch. It was wrong of her to bring up that shit tonight and really tacky. I'm sure Emmett is pissed. We all heard the end of the conversation," I said.

"You did? Fucking hell. Dammit! Now Alice knows that shit, and I'll never have a chance," he mumbled as he ran his hand through his hair.

I chuckled and grinned. _He really does like her. _"I doubt she grasped what it was about, or really cares. Let's just go back out there, watch a damn movie, and then when they all leave we can go smoke a bowl and chill."

"Yeah, fine. You're right," he said in a calmer voice. He took a deep breath and nodded.

I turned and walked out of the room but stopped and turned back to face Jasper. "Hey, do you have a blanket I could borrow?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah." He opened a closet in the hall and pulled out a knitted afghan. "Here."

"Thanks," I said and walked back into the living room. I walked behind the couch, dropped the blanket on Bella's lap and smirked down at her. She looked up at me surprised, and then slowly smiled and blushed. _Double score._

"Thanks," she mumbled.

Jasper eyed me and then rolled his eyes before he plopped back down on the bean bag.

"So did we choose a movie yet?" I asked, breaking the silence. I walked back around the sofa and sat back down in my previous spot

"Yeah, we decided to watch the movie you gave Alice," Emmett said from the loveseat. Rosalie was curled in against his side and looked to have calmed down.

"Awesome, well let's get the movie started," I said.

Rosalie pressed play on the remote and situated herself further into Emmett's side. He kissed the top of her head and smiled as the movie began.

Throughout the movie, I could hear Bella faintly quoting lines, and it made me grin. _She knows her movies _and _books. _When the Goblin king made his first appearance, Alice giggled loudly.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"His hair looks kind of like Jasper's," she said with a grin.

I looked at Jasper and back at the TV screen and laughed. Everyone else chuckled softly except Jasper, who was a deep shade of red.

_And he thought she didn't notice him._

_"I need someone to break the silence.  
Screaming in my head, and in my soul"_  
~Stabbing Westward "Why"


	6. Ch6: Lost, Maybe Someday

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: PTB]_

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: The Cure - Lost, The Cure - Maybe Someday.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

*** Warning. Mild Language. ***

* * *

"_Holding on, given up to another under faded setting sun.  
And I wonder where I am... could she run away with him?  
So happy and so young…"_  
~ The Cure "Lost"

**Lost, Maybe Some Day****  
Chapter Six  
BPOV**

After the movie, Alice and I said our goodbyes and headed home. I tried not to let the thought of Edward and his grin enter my mind while Alice was around, but as the night grew longer, I found it harder to ignore. His vivid emerald eyes were seared into my memory, and I couldn't get that smirk of his out of my head. _I swear to God, if I ever have a sex dream, it will be of Edward Cullen._

I heard his name and had a total feeling of deja vu. I looked up and saw Alice nearly vibrating as she bounced on her toes, talking to Esme.

"Cullen?" Esme repeated.

_Seriously, is there an echo in here?_

"Yeah, he's the new kid at school!" Alice said quickly.

"He must be related to Carlisle Cullen, from the hospital," Esme said softly. She seemed a little upset or disappointed.

"Yeah, Carlisle is his uncle. He took Edward in when he was younger," I said. Esme and Alice both turned and looked at me, bewildered. I doubted Alice realized Edward and I had talked a lot tonight.

"He's not his son then?" Esme asked.

"Nope, why do you ask?"

She shook her head and smiled slightly. "No reason," she mumbled.

"Mom?" Alice asked in a teasing voice.

"It's nothing, really," Esme repeated, waving us off.

"Nope. You can't fool us that easily. Alice meddles, and I pay attention. You know that. Now spill!" I said.

Esme rolled her eyes and sighed, still smiling. "I saw him on Tuesday. He was bringing in his paperwork for direct deposit and tax information so I could record it for bookkeeping. He was just incredibly polite and charming. That's all." Esme's cheeks flushed pink, and I recognized that expression.

It was the same expression I made when I thought of Edward Cullen.

"You're crushing on Dr. Cullen? Wow, Esme. What does he look like?" I asked, giggling.

Alice's eyes lit up, and she grinned so wide, I wondered if her cheeks hurt.

"He's pale, blond hair, and deep-blue eyes. His smile just seemed so natural and gentle; you could tell it wasn't forced. He was very soft spoken and didn't seem to be bothered by my gawking. I'm sure he's used to it by now. He's in his mid-thirties and works in the third wing. I'm not sure what his specialty is, though," she said with a reminiscent sigh. Her eyes seemed far away, and she had a lost but entranced look on her face. She seemed serene.

"Pediatrician," I said quietly.

Esme's eyes snapped to mine, and she stilled a moment before smiling wider. "Really?"

I nodded and her lips parted into a grin. "That fits then. He was very peaceful and easy going. Not tense like the ER doctors or surgeons when they turn in their time slips."

We discussed the exact shade of blue his eyes were and teased Esme for close to half an hour before Alice and I headed over to my place. She had grabbed her sleeping stuff and an extra bag for what she referred to as "girl time".

"Hey girls, how was the party?" Charlie asked from the living room.

"You knew?" Alice asked in a high-pitched voice.

Charlie laughed and turned around on the couch as we walked into the dining room. "Of course I knew. We've all known for a few days now. Emmett's a determined guy," Charlie said with a grin.

"Yeah," Alice agreed quietly with a faint smile. "He is."

"So, bring home any leftover cake for the old guy?" he asked.

"I did. I'll put it in the fridge."

"Thanks, Bells."

I looked at the fridge as I opened it and noticed that Charlie had already added his word of the day to the dry erase board.

_Reminiscent_.

I put the cake on the top shelf and tried to block out the ideas of what Charlie might have been thinking about. I didn't want to think about them any more than he probably did, but it couldn't be helped.

Renee.

We always celebrated Alice's birthday because it was nice to feel like the years were still going by. It was a reminder that life goes on, but we just didn't celebrate mine. That would hit a little too close to home. Alice had tried to talk me into birthday parties and celebrations when we were pre-teens, but I always shut her out. She got the hint.

I guess, in a way, I kind of celebrated vicariously through Alice. It made me happy to see her happy, and this birthday seemed to be the best one so far. I hoped they would keep getting better.

We made our way up to my bedroom and sat down facing each other on my bed. Alice dumped the "girl time" bag out on the bed and dragged her hands over the pile with her eyes closed. She let it linger over the various objects before plucking one out of the pile and opening her eyes.

"The magic eight ball!" she said enthusiastically.

I rolled my eyes and pretended not to notice that she cheated and picked the item out deliberately. Alice shook it with both of her hands wrapped around the plastic toy. "Oh, magic eight ball, will this year's birthday be the best one ever?" She stopped shaking it and held her breath, peering down at the toy. She squealed and handed the ball over to me.

"Well? What did it say?" I asked, playing along.

"Don't count on it!"

I laughed and began shaking the ball. "Oh, magic eight ball, will I ever find my lucky rabbit's foot?" Alice reached across the bed and smacked me on my arm. "Ow! Hey! It was a genuine question! I want to know!" I tried not to laugh as Alice rolled her eyes at me. I frowned as I looked down at the answer and shoved the ball back at Alice.

"I'm guessing that was a no," Alice said, smirking. I shrugged as she began shaking it again. "Oh, magic eight ball, will I ever have better luck with a guy?" She shut her eyes tightly and clutched the ball firmly before slowly opening one eye. She peeked down and let out a sigh. "Stupid ball…" she mumbled.

"What did it say?" I asked, concerned.

"It said it cannot predict now. What kind of fortune teller can't see the future at any given time? Such bullshit," she said with a huff. She tossed the ball back to me and crossed her arms.

"It can't see the future, Alice; it's just a plastic toy. I'm sure you'll find someone," I said, trying to reassure her.

Alice sighed heavily and nodded. "I don't think he even notices me," she said quietly.

"Who? Kirk?"

"No… Jasper."

"What? Jasper? Since when did you like him?" I asked, confused. _Did I miss something? She was dating Kirk, right? _

"I've always liked him, but Emmett has been with Rosalie for so long, it just felt wrong to ever do anything about it. I mean, that's her little brother, and Emmett isn't very fond of him."

"I'm sure he notices you, Alice. You are a very hard girl to miss," I said with a grin.

"I know… which concerns me. If he does notice me, he only notices me for the same reasons other guys do – my reputation."

"I didn't mean it like that, Ali. God… I'm sure he doesn't believe the bullshit the guys at school say. He doesn't talk to most of them, anyway, so why would he pay attention to their gossip?" I reached across and put my hand on her knee.

"God, I'm such an idiot. Always dating different guys. Everyone must think I'm some kind of slut." Alice hung her head and wrapped her arms around her torso. She looked like she was trying to hold herself together.

"Hey, it's your birthday, and I don't want to hear you bad-mouthing yourself. It's not allowed. The guys you dated are in the past. When you first went out with them, they seemed like decent guys. It's not your fault the entire male population of Forks are assholes. What ever happened with Kirk, anyway? You never told me," I said casually. I hoped she wouldn't mind me bringing him up.

Alice rolled her eyes and sighed. "He's an Olympic-sized whale's penis. That's what happened."

I blinked and tried to understand but couldn't make sense of what she had said. "A what?"

"A dork, Bella. The boy was a _major_ dork."

"Oh… oh!"

Alice began giggling hysterically, and, after a few seconds of swatting at her for laughing at me, I joined in. We were rolling on the bed, clutching our sides, when Charlie knocked on the door.

"Goodnight, girls! Try and get some sleep!" he called through the door.

"Goodnight!" we called back in unison, still laughing.

We talked about Jasper, Esme and Carlisle before we both began yawning every thirty seconds. I pulled the sheets back as Alice threw all of her "girl time" items back into her bag and slipped into a long t-shirt for bed. I wiggled out of my jeans, slid into a thin pair of plaid bottoms, and crawled into bed. Alice was already curled up on her side, facing the center of the bed, when I reached over to turn off the lamp.

"Night, Ali, and happy birthday."

"Thanks, Bella, goodnight," she said through another yawn.

I smiled and kissed her forehead as she closed her eyes. We were like sisters, and I loved her dearly. We slept in the same bed more nights than we slept apart when we were growing up; sharing a bed with Alice was comfortable and soothing, even if we were both getting older.

My mind slipped back into thoughts of Renee and Charlie and my childhood just before sleep overtook me. I tried to focus on the silence in the room and the smell of rain outside, but everything reminded me of another time and another life.

The rain always brought out the smell of the star jasmine underneath my window, and I could remember listening to bedtime stories in the rocking chair by the open window. It was with the memory of _Rapunzel_ that I fell asleep and slipped into my lucid dreams.

I awoke with a start, my heart beating quickly and my head pounding. I gasped for air, and the coldness of it burned at my throat. I looked out my window and sighed when I saw it was still dark out. Alice was still asleep beside me, and the house was quiet. As my eyes began to focus, I peered over at my alarm clock. It was only four in the morning.

I sighed and threw the covers off me and slid out of bed. I walked to my desk and grabbed my iPod and ear buds. As I shuffled through the artists, I walked to my window and opened it. I clicked play on _The Cure_ and climbed onto the sill, sitting with my back against the wall. A shiver ran through my body as the cold February air rolled in.

I closed my eyes and took in the words Robert Smith sang. I never admitted it out loud, but I missed Renee. I hated growing up with no mother around and watching everyone else coming to school with a packed lunch. When I learned how to cook, I started packing my own, but it never felt the same. I missed the bedtime stories, dress-up, and make-believe.

I heard the rumors; I wasn't stupid or deaf. Charlie tried to keep me ignorant of the truth, but I heard it anyway. Kids and parents were ruthless that way. Lauren prided herself on the amount of gossip she knew, so when she overheard her parents talking about my mother cheating on Charlie, she just had to share the details with everyone who would listen and even some of those who wouldn't.

Everyone in Forks knew my mother had left us that day. Half of the town was out searching for her, while the other half refused to look for someone who willingly walked away and didn't want to be found. I watched as Charlie slowly broke down, realizing that she had left him. I was only five, but those kinds of memories stick, and every time I remembered them, I re-evaluated them. Being older, I could piece together things that never fit before and make better sense out of it all.

"Bella?" Alice said groggily.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, Ali. I didn't mean to wake you," I whispered. I opened my eyes and had to shut them quickly from the light flooding in the window. I groaned and blinked, rubbing at my lids. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was seven in the morning. _Holy shit, where did time go?_

"You didn't. I never seem to be able to sleep in, even on the weekends." She yawned, stretching under the covers. She slowly sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard. "What's wrong, Bella?"

"Nothing, just couldn't sleep," I said, looking back out the window.

"Bullshit. Get back over here and tell me. You must be freezing," she said as she shivered and slipped back under the covers.

I stood up and stretched, then crossed the room to the bed and crawled in.

"Now, tell me what's wrong," Alice said gently. "Holy shit, your feet are cold!"

"Just thinking about Renee," I mumbled and closed my eyes. I shifted my feet away from her and sighed.

Alice scooted closer and draped an arm over my shoulder, tugging me to her. "Why would you think about her? She doesn't deserve your time."

"I know. It was just Charlie's word last night got me thinking of her again. I think he spent his day doing the same thing."

"Well, just because Charlie is masochistic doesn't mean you have to follow in his footsteps," Alice said, holding me to her small frame.

I nodded and took a deep breath. "I know. I'm sorry." I took another deep breath, holding it before exhaling. I looked up at Alice and wiggled back a little further. "So, what do you want to do today?"

"Mom was going to take me to Port Angeles today. She has Sundays off again since the decorating business isn't doing so well. You're welcome to come with us, if you want," Alice said as she sat up and yawned again.

"No, that's okay. I have some things I need to do around here anyway. You guys have a good time doing mother and daughter stuff," I said, trying to sound cheery but failing.

"You know my mom thinks of you as a daughter. Seriously, come with us today. It'll be fun! We can even stop at a book store," Alice said. She was really laying it on thick by bringing up a bookstore and mentioning that Esme thought of me as one of her own.

"No, really, go. I want to get a lot done today. I'll be fine, I promise."

"Alright. Fine, but if I come back and you're all emo on Monday at school, I'm kicking your ass. Doc Martens or not, there will be kicking." She threw the covers back and picked her clothes up off my floor and walked out of my room. A few seconds later, the bathroom door clicked closed.

I got dressed quickly, picking out a maroon V-neck sweater and simple jeans. I headed downstairs and stared at the fridge for a moment.

_Past reminds present,_

_Lost within my ambivalence._

_Grey skies; Groundhog's Day._

I put the marker back in the holder and sighed. My life felt like the movie Groundhog Day – constantly reliving the same events over and over until I found the one thing I was supposed to discover so I could move on. _But how long do I have to wait?_

Alice came skipping down the stairs, and I busied myself in the kitchen. "Breakfast?" I asked.

"No, I'm good. Going to head home and get a shower before Mom and I head out," she said. She turned toward the fridge and read my haiku. I saw her frown out of the corner of my eye and sigh. "It's not too late to join us, you know."

"I know. Thanks, Alice, but really… I'll be fine."

"Okay, well, I'll see you on Monday." Alice gave me a quick hug and headed out the door with her two bags over her shoulder.

"Yeah," I said quietly as the door closed behind her.

I finished making some eggs, ate them slowly and cleaned the dishes. I separated the piles of clothes and started the laundry. Charlie was already fishing, and I knew he wouldn't be back until sundown. I spread my homework out on the living room table and got to work. Every time the dryer buzzed, I would get up, change the load and then return to my homework. _What a great way to spend a Sunday._

By one in the afternoon, I had finished the laundry and most of my homework. I wrote up a grocery list, took the money from the jar on top of the fridge, and grabbed my coat. My truck roared to life, causing me to jump. _One of these days, I won't be startled. _I pulled out of the driveway and headed for Thriftway.

I walked down the aisles, collecting the contents of my list while my mind wandered on its own accord. I was grabbing a small tub of sorbet when I heard my name from directly behind me. I spun around, dropping the sorbet, and smacking my elbow on the glass door rather hard. "Ow! Son-of-a-bi—"

"I didn't know you cussed," Edward said with a crooked grin.

"I didn't know you shopped," I said with annoyance in my voice. "Sorry, that was rude."

Edward chuckled and shrugged. "It's alright. I shouldn't have startled you." He reached down and picked up the pint of sorbet and looked at it. "Pomegranate? Interesting choice."

I reached out, took it out of his hand and put it back into the freezer behind me. "Can I help you?" I asked.

"Carlisle and I were just picking up a few things, and I saw you. Thought I would say hi," he said with his panty-dropping grin.

I quickly looked down at my feet, then over at my basket, anywhere but those eyes and lips. "Um, well, hi."

"Found it. Ready to go, Edward?" a voice said from the end of the aisle.

I looked up and saw a tall, lean man with pale-blond hair walking toward us. _Carlisle. _He was rather attractive as well. I had to give Esme credit for her taste. Carlisle smiled at me, and I knew they were related. _That smile. _My breath caught and I blinked, looking away again.

"Hello," he said. "I'm Carlisle, Edward's uncle." He held his hand out to me and I blushed a deeper shade of red.

I put my hand in his, and he squeezed it gently, shaking twice. "Bella," I said quietly. I looked back up and noticed his eyes were a stormy-blue, just as Esme had described. I glanced at Edward. He was still grinning.

"Bella and I are lab partners in advanced biology. She's friends with the girl whose birthday party I went to yesterday," Edward explained.

"Ah, yes. Well, it was nice to meet you, Bella. We should be getting home. I'll see you in line, Edward. Try and be quick," Carlisle said. He nodded at me and I smiled back.

"So, did Alice enjoy her surprise?" Edward asked.

"She did. She loved your movie, too. It was a good choice."

"I noticed you were familiar with it," he said softly, still grinning.

_What the hell is he always smiling about? And why the hell can't I stop blushing? This boy will be the death of me. Death by lack of blood flow to the heart due to it all being in my cheeks… and other parts._ I shook my head and tried to focus on reality, not my daydreams.

"Uh, yeah. It was a favorite of mine growing up. I liked all of the goblins and songs… and David Bowie." I looked away, trying to hide my face from him.

"Yeah, well, I should get going. I'll see you in class tomorrow, Bella. Have a good afternoon," Edward said politely and turned to walk away. He paused and looked over his shoulder. "You should get the strawberry. It's better." He walked around the corner without another word.

I noticed I had been holding my breath and exhaled. _Strawberry? Why strawberry? Maybe Edward Cullen likes strawberry. I'll have to remember that. Focus, Bella! Groceries!_

I sighed again and opened the freezer door. I stood there, letting the cold air roll over and cool my cheeks. I grabbed the strawberry sorbet and finished my shopping with Edward on my mind. _At least he's an improvement over the thoughts of my mother._

The rest of the day went by quickly. I fixed dinner for Charlie, and we ate in comfortable silence. I finished my reading homework and got my school things together. I crawled into bed around nine and tried to clear my mind. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night, and I really didn't want to have another shitty dream.

"Tomorrow's forecast is… somber memories with an overcast of façade," I said quietly to myself. I clicked my lamp off and burrowed under my covers, waiting for sleep to overtake me.

I woke to the sound of guitars and sighed. I knew the song, of course, but it held a specific meaning to me. I used to listen to it when I was on a Robert Smith kick in the ninth grade. Of course, this song would play the day after I had been thinking of my mother a lot.

I went about my morning routine, humming the song in my head. Charlie and I ate in silence, I wrote another depressing haiku, and I made my way outside to my truck. I jumped at the rumbling noise and sighed.

"Maybe someday," I muttered.

Alice was waiting for me at my locker. She laid into me about being emo so early in the morning, but relented when I asked her about her trip with Esme. She walked me to first period, and we waved goodbye, agreeing to meet up at lunch as we always did.

Classes passed rather slowly. Nothing out of the ordinary happened besides Lauren being rather quiet in first period. That made me curious, but I didn't want to push my luck by glancing at her.

As I was walking to the lunchroom, I heard whispering and giggling from behind me. Normally I wouldn't care, but it was so close that I caught a few words. I tried to speed up, but Lauren called out to me. I tripped on the edge of the sidewalk and fell to my knees. My palm hit the concrete rather hard, and I whimpered as pain shot up my arm and down my right leg.

"Aw, poor klutzy Bella. It must have been tough growing up with no mommy to kiss your boo-boos for you. Instead, she was off screwing the guys in La Push. That is, until she decided she was tired of having a klutz for a daughter and a husband who didn't know how to work his dick right." Lauren towered over me, looking smug as Jessica and Irina stood beside her, giggling.

I gaped at her. I didn't know what to say to that. I sat there like an idiot for a few seconds with my mouth hanging open.

"What? No response because you know it's true?" She smirked down at me and arched an eyebrow.

"You would know, or so I've heard, Lauren. It is Lauren, right? The whore who does anything, including her daddy? That's how you know, isn't it? Your father taught you how to do things properly, and that's why you like the guys you sleep with to call you their little girl, and you scream daddy. The guys were laughing about it in gym the other day." Edward stopped beside me and stared at Lauren, waiting for a response. "Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe you aren't Lauren. I could have sworn they said it was you though; the blonde bitch with the fish lips and too much makeup. Maybe you have a twin."

Edward offered me his hand but didn't look at me. He was glaring at Lauren and her two amigos rather sternly. I took his hand and pulled myself up, dusting myself off once I was firmly standing on my feet. I looked at Lauren – she was red and wide-eyed.

"What! You! You don't know anything about me!" Lauren protested angrily. She was looking back and forth between Edward and myself.

"I know enough. Guys like to talk and compare stories, and there are a lot of stories about you. You might want to get that rash looked at, by the way. My uncle's a doctor, if you're interested." Edward quirked an eyebrow and I had to suppress my urge to laugh.

_Damn, he sure was pissing her off. I wonder how much of this shit's true._

Lauren's facial expression gave me my answer. Her eyes grew wider, and she gasped. She spun around and stormed off in the direction of the women's bathroom with Jessica and Irina following behind her.

"You didn't have to get involved. You've just put yourself on her shit list now, and she will make your life a living hell," I said quietly, watching the three girls smack the bathroom door open.

"They're just chicks with a complex. Someone needed to put them in their place, even if it only lasts for a few days. Besides, girls don't screw with guy drama; it's just how high-school works. If she decides to fuck with you again, let me know. I'm not afraid to play the bully in a new school. I'm used to people not liking me."

Edward looked down at me and sighed. He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. "She shouldn't have said those things to you, Bella. Don't listen to her; she was just trying to get a reaction out of you."

"Yeah, I know… doesn't make it hurt any less though," I mumbled. I turned to walk toward the lunchroom and whimpered when I put my weight on my right knee.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked quickly.

"Yeah," I said, taking another step and attempted to stifle my groan. "I'll be fine." I took another step and my shoulders visibly lowered as I limped.

"Bella, you're limping. You should go to the nurse," Edward argued. He reached out and grabbed my wrist gently, tugging on me to stop. A shiver ran down my spine and I paused.

"I'll be alright; I just need to walk it off. It's not broken. I know what that feels like," I argued back, but didn't fight to pull free of his grasp. Edward eyed me suspiciously and I sighed. "Klutz, remember? Trust me, I would know if it were broken or anything."

"Alright, but you should still go see the nurse."

"No way, she always hates seeing me come through her door. Besides, I'm _fine._" I huffed and shook his hand off. I turned away from him again and headed for the lunch door. I groaned and couldn't help the whimper as I put my weight onto my right knee gingerly. I heard Edward sigh deeply behind me and the next thing I knew, I was lifted off the ground and being carried.

"Fine, then I'll just have to take you myself," he said under his breath as he walked toward the main office with me in his arms.

"Hey! Put me down! I'll scream!" I said as I gripped his shirt tightly in my fist. His smell was intoxicating, and I wondered what cologne he used. I had never smelled anything so amazingly erotic before. My head screamed at me to just shut up and let him carry me, but I fought to ignore it.

Edward stopped walking and looked down at me, quirking his eyebrow. I stared up at him and swallowed. _Okay, so I won't scream. _Edward grinned and continued walking toward the nurse's office.

I focused on his scent and the rhythm of his paces. I could feel his chest rise and fall as he held me to him, and I matched his breathing in an attempt to not hyperventilate. My heart was racing and my cheeks were flushed, and I prayed to God that Edward didn't notice. He turned around and opened the office door with his back, pressing against it.

"Oh! What happened?" Mrs. Cope asked.

"Bella hurt her knee and possibly her wrist. She can walk on it, but she limps. I thought maybe an ice pack and some elevation would do her some good during the lunch break?" Edward spoke softly, and I could feel the vibrations in his chest.

"Oh! Poor dear, did you fall again? Put her over here. I'll get the nurse." Mrs. Cope wandered off through another door as Edward put me down on the chair.

"Sit. Stay," he ordered.

I glared up at him and folded my arms across my chest. "I'm not a dog," I said bitterly.

"No, you aren't, but sometimes you seem to be as stubborn as one." Edward smirked and leaned against the wall, staring down at me.

I huffed and looked away, my nose in the air. _He barely knows me, and he thinks I'm stubborn? He's right, but still!_

Mrs. Cope returned with Mrs. Wilson behind her carrying an ice pack. "Here you go, dear. Just keep your knee slightly bent and keep it iced. Would you like to be excused from your last two classes, or do you think you can walk?" Mrs. Wilson asked.

"The boy carried her in her, Cherie. I don't think she can walk," Mrs. Cope said in a low voice.

I looked up at Edward. He shrugged his shoulders and folded his arms.

"Well, I can excuse her and call her father to come pick her up," Mrs. Wilson said.

"No!" I said quickly. "Don't call him. He's busy at work, and he will just stress over this. Please, I can go back to class or drive myself home."

The two women gave each other a look as if they were trying to decide if this were a good idea or not.

"I can drive her home," Edward said calmly.

All three of our heads snapped up to look at Edward.

"I don't mind. I know Chief Swan is probably busy, and Bella shouldn't drive if she can barely walk. If Bella doesn't object, I wouldn't mind dropping her off." Edward smiled a charming smile, and the two women both considered for another moment.

"Bella?" Mrs. Cope asked. "We can write you both off as going home early if you would like. But don't make a habit of getting injured to go home, or we will let the Chief know."

"Fine," I mumbled and sat up. I struggled to get up and gritted my teeth. Edward leaned forward with his arms out like he was going to pick me up again, but I glared at him. He chuckled and held his hands up in the air.

"Go ahead, champ," he said softly.

I limped out of the office, the ice pack clenched in my fist. After the first few feet, my knee was aching, and I could feel the tears struggling to be released. I reconsidered the idea that it might be broken, but reminded myself that I didn't want to go to the hospital again. I stopped and took a deep breath. I could feel Edward standing beside me, looking down at me. I looked up at him slightly through my lashes, trying to hide. His expression was confusing. He looked angry and sad at the same time. He sighed deeply and held out his arms to me. I bit my lip and nodded weakly.

He reached under my legs and across my back, lifting me easily to his chest. I turned into him and took a shaky breath. _This should feel awkward. You barely know this boy, and you're letting him carry you. _I argued with myself the entire walk to the car, uncertain as to why I was so calm and comfortable around Edward.

I felt safe.

Edward lifted his knee and leaned it against his car. He rested my tailbone on his thigh and rolled my shoulders against his chest as he dug out his keys and unlocked his car. He wrapped his left arm around my waist, securing me to him as he opened the passenger door quickly. He put his arms back under my knees and ribs and lowered me into the seat. I felt like a child in his arms. It was that moment that I realized how strong Edward was, or how petite I really was.

I got comfortable on the seat and clicked my seatbelt into place, dropping my bag on the floor of the car between my feet. Edward came around the other side and got in, flashing me a gentle smile. He started the car and looked in the rearview mirror.

"Wait!" I shouted.

Edward jumped and blinked at me, startled. "What?"

"Alice! She's probably freaking out! I always meet her for lunch!"

"So call her?" Edward said calmly.

I shook my head. "No, she'll need a ride home too, Emmett has practice today. Dammit! I fuck everything up," I mumbled into my hands.

"Hey," Edward said loudly, causing me to jump. "You didn't fuck anything up. Can she drive?" he asked.

"Uh, yes?" I answered, though it sounded more like a question. _Why does he want to know if she can drive?_

"Can she drive your truck?" he asked more specifically.

Oh!

"Yeah, but she hates it."

"Then give me your keys. I'll go find her in the lunch room and give her a quick explanation and your keys. She won't freak out for the last two hours of school, and she has a ride home. Problem solved," he said calmly.

_How does he do that? He's like a sweet, charming, calm, intelligent guy with a cruel streak, a foul mouth, and a mysterious past. You sure can pick them, Bella._

I dug my keys out of my bag and handed them to him. He got out of the car quickly, leaving it running, and ran back into school. I stared at his stereo and wondered what he was listening to. I hit play on the CD player and turned up the volume slightly.

"_It's not like you killed someone. It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side. Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed. He did it all for you…"_

Maynard James Keenan's voice filled the car and I smiled. _He likes "A Perfect Circle"? _I closed my eyes and sang along to the song quietly, swaying in my seat. As the song ended, I opened my eyes and gasped.

"Edward! How long have you been sitting there?" I shouted.

"Not long enough," he said, smirking.

I grew an intense shade of red and folded my arms, looking out the window.

He closed his door quietly and buckled his seatbelt. He pulled out of the parking lot but stopped on the side of the road. "So uh, where do you live?" he asked.

"Oh! Down this main road a few miles like you're heading out of town. It'll be on the right." I shifted my weight in the seat nervously and chewed on my lower lip. "So, what did Alice say?"

"She said to be good to you, and she will call you later, so you better answer your phone. She also said that the ass kicking is still on, especially if you refuse to answer her call," he said, sounding slightly confused.

"Figures," I mumbled.

"You two seem really close. How long have you known each other?"

"Since forever. We've pretty much always been in each other's lives," I answered quietly.

"That must be nice, having someone you can depend on in your life." He was focused on the road, and his posture seemed rigid and uncomfortable.

I hummed along to the CD that was playing, biting my tongue to keep myself from singing out loud. When _Orestes_ came on, I sat rigidly in my seat refusing to close my eyes and lose myself in the song. Edward leaned over and hit the mute button, and I exhaled softly. He glanced at me, a look of sadness in his eyes, then looked back out at the road.

As we sat in silence, I took in everything I could, committing it to memory. His smell, his posture, his hands, his fingers; they looked long, and delicate, but the pads looked worn. Perhaps he played music or drew? His nails were clean and just barely past his fingertips.

He moved his hand slightly, and I looked up at him. _Had he caught me staring? Shit, Bella, stop being freaky._

"Why did Lauren say those things about your mother?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"I don't want to talk about that, please. I'm sure you don't want to talk about your past," I said quietly. I pointed to my house, and Edward slowed down, coming to a stop at my driveway.

"It wouldn't matter anyway, there's not much to tell," he mumbled, gripping the steering wheel and releasing it a few times.

"Everyone thinks they don't have much to tell about their past, but when they finally get talking, so much comes out that they never knew they remembered," I said calmly. I looked at my house through the window and bit my lip.

"That would require they remember anything to begin with," he replied.

I looked up at him quizzically and furrowed my brows. "What do you mean?" I asked.

He sighed and shook his head. "Nothing. I meant nothing. You should get inside. It looks like it might rain soon."

I paused with my hand on the handle. I took a deep breath and looked directly at him. "I'm sorry if I did or said something that upset you, Edward," I mumbled, trying to find my strength to not cry. My knee hurt, my emotions were confused, and my head was beginning to ache.

Edward pursed his lips and glanced at me. He shook his head and sighed deeply. "You did nothing wrong, Bella," he said, staring out the windshield. "I'm not… a good friend for you, Bella. I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong impression."

I was so confused. He wasn't even looking at me, and he looked really upset or angry. _Do I run? Do I argue? Do I get out of the car quietly and limp off with no dignity left?_ _What's customary when a boy tells you he isn't even interested in your friendship, let alone dating you? _

"I… I'm sorry?" I said, though it came out as a question. _Genius, Bella. Apologize for him not liking you? What the hell are you apologizing for?_

"Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. I'm fucked up, Bella, and I can't be your friend." He closed his eyes tightly for a second and sighed again, shaking his head.

"Can't, or won't?" I asked quietly, trying to keep my composure.

"Shouldn't," he clarified, turning to look at me. His green eyes seemed to pierce right through me, and my breath caught.

"Right. Well, when you figure out what the hell you _should_ do, you let me know." I opened the door and swung my legs out, grabbing my bag. I lifted myself out of the car and attempted to make it look like I was perfectly fine. I took one step on my bad knee and limped, whimpering.

"Dammit," Edward said softly from the car, barely loud enough for me to hear.

I didn't give him a chance to say or do anything else. I gritted my teeth and practically jogged to my house, limping. I pulled my key out, slid it into the lock, and opened the door. I stepped inside and turned to look back at Edward. He had his hand in his hair and his head on the steering wheel. I slammed the door shut and slid to the floor, a crumpled mess.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out, staring down at the screen. I sighed and closed my eyes. _Dammit. _

"_I'll see you smile as you call my name.  
__Start to feel, and it feels the same.  
And I know that maybe someday's come."_  
~ The Cure "Maybe Someday"


	7. Ch7: Blue

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. No copyright infringement intended. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer, BonnySammy]_

**A/N: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: A Perfect Circle - Blue.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

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***Warning. Illegal drug use, and mild language. Occassional discussions about retrograde amnesia and PTSD.*  
**

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_"When you dream, sometimes you remember. When you wake, you always forget."_  
~ Dream (Neil Gaiman's "The Sandman: Brief Lives")

**Blue  
Chapter Seven  
EPOV**

_The air is dense but it feels dry on the back of my throat. I turn in my bed and stare at my alarm clock. It's just past two in the morning, and the green lights flicker to the next minute, showing time pass me by. I sigh and turn to look out my window. The lights from the city gently illuminate my room, and, as my eyes focus on my surroundings, I notice the light underneath the door of my bedroom. What had woken me at this hour of the night, I wonder? _

_I listen while still under the covers of my bed for a few minutes, but I don't hear any noises. I slowly peel the covers back and place my feet on the wooden floor. The cold shocks my senses, and I take in a gasp of air. A sudden clicking of shoes on the hallway floor startles me as I spring to my feet. I hold my breath, opening my bedroom door, and I'm blinded by an intense white light. _

_The feeling of the air around me changes._

_I struggle to move, but my limbs feel heavy, like lead. I can hear the constant muffled sounds of someone talking from above me. My lips are warm, and I can taste salt on my tongue as the white fades to black._

I flew forward in bed as I gasped for air. It took me over five minutes to calm down and level my heart rate out. I hadn't had very many dreams that I could remember, but when I did, they felt surreal, and I always woke up short of breath. I glanced at my clock and groaned. I still had an hour before I normally got up for school.

I decided I would take a shower and get dressed after breakfast. My nerves felt so fried and my mind was still in a haze from my dream, so I figured some food would do me good. I headed downstairs and was surprised when I saw Carlisle at the breakfast bar eating toast and jam with his newspaper out in front him. I stopped in my tracks, contemplating eating later, but he put the paper down and turned in his stool before I could finish the thought and decide on a course of action.

"Good morning, Edward. Couldn't sleep?" Carlisle asked. His eyes looked heavy, and he appeared rather tired.

"Yeah, something like that," I replied. I walked around the bar to the fridge and pulled out the milk carton. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal in silence, but I could feel his eyes on me the entire time. It drove me nuts. I took my seat at the bar, one seat down from him, and tried to ignore him as I ate.

"Anything you want to talk about?" Carlisle asked. He was watching me as I shoveled the sugary substance into my mouth. I shrugged my shoulders, not bothering to glance at him, and continued eating in silence.

"I got a message from the school that you left early yesterday. They said it was an excused absence. Now, I'm not upset, but I was wondering if you would mind sharing what happened," Carlisle said calmly as he stared at his newspaper.

I dropped my spoon into the milk and blinked. _Shit, they told him. Of course they told him. He's your guardian, idiot. _I turned and looked at Carlisle who was waiting with a calm expression. "I drove that girl home, the one you met at the grocery story. She…" _Shit, what do I say for a reason?_ "She had messed up her knee, and couldn't drive home, so I offered to drive her."

"How did you end up being the one to drive her home? Why not her parents?" Carlisle asked as he studied my expression.

"Because I was there when she fell, and I carried her to the nurse's office. She insisted that her father not be disturbed at work. He's the chief of police, I believe." I picked up my spoon and shoveled more cereal into my mouth, hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions.

"How bad was she hurt? It's not broken or anything is it?" Carlisle seemed more inquisitive than upset when I chanced a peek at him again.

I shook my head. "No, she's kind of a klutz, or so people say. They knew it wasn't broken, just bruised pretty badly. They excused us both so I could drive her home, and I came here afterward."

"That's a little strange. Usually they have to get parental permission to excuse a student. Why didn't you go back to class afterward?" Carlisle asked. He took a bite of his toast and jam, still watching me like a hawk.

His actions and mannerisms finally clicked in my head._ He's looking for a sign that I'm lying. _I turned to face him, and forced a smile. "Maybe it's a small town thing. I didn't go back to class because I decided to come home; I had been excused, after all. You said they called to inform you, but maybe they were calling to ask you, and you didn't answer. It wouldn't be the first time a school failed to get a hold of you," I sneered.

"No reason to get pissy with me, Edward. I told you I'm not upset, just curious what happened. I'm glad to hear the girl is okay. That was very kind of you to take her to the nurse's office and drive her home. So what did you do for the rest of the afternoon?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes and huffed. "Why don't you just ask me whatever the fuck is on your mind and quit beating around the bush? This game's getting old, and it's too early in the morning for bullshit."

"Alright, fine. Did you do any drugs yesterday? You used to wake up early when you were on something the night before." Carlisle stared at me, one eyebrow quirked with a completely serious expression. I knew not to fuck with him when he was in this kind of parental mode.

"No, I haven't touched anything since I got here. Search my shit. I don't care. You won't find anything." I dropped my spoon into my bowl and crossed my arms, sitting up straight on the stool. I quirked an eyebrow back, challenging him to take me up on the offer. I knew he wouldn't do it.

Carlisle studied me for a few seconds, focusing on my eyes mostly. He was probably looking for pupil dilation or discoloring or some doctor bullshit. "Alright, I believe you, Edward, but I'm concerned why you aren't sleeping well. Is there something on your mind?"

"No," I said bitterly and went back to eating.

"Please, talk to me, Edward. I'm giving you my trust, and I'm trying to show some concern. If it's something I can help with, I'd like to. Is it insomnia? Stress?"

"No, it's nothing like that," I mumbled, finishing my cereal and standing up. I walked to the sink and rinsed my bowl.

"Then please, enlighten me, Edward. I may be able to get you a prescription, or suggest something that will help."

I sighed and tossed my spoon into the clean basin beside the sink and turned around. "It's fucking dreams, alright? Happy? You want to pull out some analysis book and tell me what they mean or something, because trust me, I don't get them, so I doubt that you or some little book will." I glared at him as I crossed my arms, leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Do you think they might be memories?" Carlisle asked after a long pause.

"Maybe, I don't know. They don't feel familiar, and I don't recognize anything in them. It could just be some random movie type shit playing in my head; I have no fucking clue."

"Will you tell me about them?" Carlisle asked.

I thought about it for a few seconds. I really didn't want him trying to evaluate every little detail, or throwing me back into some therapy or signing me up for more hypnotism.I still remembered everyone's expression every time I came out of a haze and couldn't remember my past. Extreme disappointment.

"You know, the more I think about it, the more it seems like some movie I watched last week. Really, it's nothing. Forget I mentioned it," I said. I began to walk towards the door, when Carlisle called for me to wait.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, and I respect that, but just know that if you ever have any questions about your parents, your life, anything at all, that I'm here. I'll talk about it, whenever you want to hear it." Carlisle's voice was steady, and I could sense the sincerity in his tone.

I nodded and walked out of the kitchen, taking the stairs two at a time. I showered, dressed, and headed for school in a coma-like haze. I couldn't remember ever passing the street signs, or pulling into the school parking lot, but somehow I made it there. Jasper was leaning against my locker, eating sunflower seeds with a smirk on his face.

"What's got you smiling at eight in the morning, asshole?" I asked him as he moved away from my locker so I could open it. I entered the combination quickly, threw my fifth and sixth period books in and closed it with a loud slam.

"I got some awesome stuff from Port Angeles yesterday, if you're interested," he said quietly, though the enthusiasm was easy to hear.

I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. "I thought you didn't carry here," I said in a whisper.

"I don't, but it's in my car in a secure spot. We don't have the time right now, obviously, but during lunch, I figured you might like a quick bake session," he whispered back. He began walking again with a smirk still firmly spread across his lips. He looked like a smug asshole.

"Yeah, definitely. I could use some good shit today."

"The doctor got you down?" Jasper asked, looking over his shoulder inquisitively.

"Something like that," I mumbled.

"I'll see you by your car at lunch. I have gym, so try and hurry. I don't want to look like a moron just standing by some dude's car," I said when we reached my class.

Jasper laughed and nodded. "Alright, stay out of trouble," he said casually and turned to head down the hallway.

The morning passed slowly, and I ignored Emmett's glances in Spanish, refusing to acknowledge him. If he had shit to say, he could say it, screw whatever game he was playing. Why can't people just spit it out and say what's on their mind?

Perhaps it was my lack of social interaction or knowledge of how people converse, but I didn't understand how everyone could be so timid or uncertain of themselves. There were the occasional few, like Lauren, who were brash and tactless and needed to learn when to shut the fuck up, but for the most part the human race seemed to lack confidence. I didn't get it.

What's the point of living if you danced around issues all the time, afraid of how someone was going to respond?

When the bell for lunch rang, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I had been tense all day and my mind still wasn't able to focus on anything. I just wanted to lose myself in that feeling of a pot-induced high.

I took off my button up shirt, leaving my t-shirt on, and stuffed it into my backpack. Thankfully, I had worn two layers today, so I wouldn't end up reeking of pot. When Jasper met me by his car, I tossed my bag into his trunk as he pulled out a small black box that was stashed in the tool kit. We pushed the front seats forward and climbed into the back seat of Jasper's Charger.

"Tinted windows make it safer back here," Jasper commented as he closed his door.

I closed mine and looked over at him. He opened the black box on his lap and pulled out a pipe and baggie. The weed was already broken up in the bag and there was enough for two large bowls. I smirked and watched as he packed the bowl and handed me the lighter.

"Greens?" he asked.

I smirked and thanked him, taking the pipe and lighter. The first hit was just like heaven, and The Cure's song came to mind. The first light was always the smoothest, and I could taste that it was good quality. It had a full flavor, and I relished in the fact that I had found a connection so easily. I held my breath, feeling my chest expand, and handed the pipe and lighter back to Jasper. He took his hit without having to re-light and grinned as I exhaled.

"Good shit. How much for a quarter?" I asked.

"It's a blend, so it cost me a bit more. I'll go twenty-five for you, because we're friends, but don't take advantage of that," Jasper said as he passed me back the goods.

It was a pretty good deal. Usually the better shit would cost one-twenty an ounce, and the less the buyer got, the worse the deal.

"Sounds good to me. Want to come over after school?" I asked before taking my hit.

"Sure, the Doc going to be home?" Jasper asked.

I smirked and shook my head. Jasper grinned and nodded, taking the pipe.

We finished the bowl quickly and got out of the car. Jasper grabbed a small bottle of cologne from his backpack and spritzed himself casually. He popped a mint and smirked at me, offering me the tin can. I took a few, popping one into my mouth and pocketing the rest. I tapped the trunk of the car with my knuckles and Jasper walked around to unlock it. I pulled my backpack out of the back and pulled my button up out of it. Jasper handed me his cologne and I sprayed the shirt and waved it around to air it out. I handed him his bottle back and buttoned the shirt up quickly.

I popped another mint as we entered the cafeteria. The line was almost non-existent, and we got our food quickly. As I ate my slice of pizza, the weed began to take effect. I wasn't so tense, and I could breathe easier. My muscles relaxed, and I was smiling casually as we ate in silence.

We made our way to our lockers and grabbed our books, heading for class. When I walked into fifth period, the paranoid part of me began to kick in. I mentally berated myself for not taking off my undershirt and stashing it in my bag or my locker. I popped two more mints and focused on breathing slowly through my mouth.

Bella barely made it to class on time once again, and her eyes seemed puffy and red. I quickly averted my gaze and opened my book. I pretended to be reading while she took her seat beside me. I scooted my stool further away from her, and it didn't go unnoticed. I could feel her eyes on me until the teacher began the day's lecture.

I took notes and tried to ignore Bella entirely. I would occasionally catch her glancing at me, but for the most part she kept her eyes on her paper or on the board. When the bell rang, I grabbed my bag and stood up.

"You aren't as sly as you think you are, you know," Bella mumbled from beside me.

_Sly in avoiding her, or sly in hiding the fact that I'm lit out of my mind? _Before I had a chance to respond, she gathered her things and walked out of the room.

I barely paid attention in sixth period. I was fairly certain I had skipped some of the notes on the board, but I couldn't focus on what I had written to make sense of what I had missed. _This shit is strong_.

I sat in class and thought of Bella. Was her knee feeling better or worse today? Was she pissed off at me and what I said, or did she get over it quickly? I had to break any kind of connection that was forming between us. She seemed like a genuine person, and my fucked up life had no place in hers.

I couldn't remember how my family died, and, for all I knew, I killed them and then blacked out. It was definitely something the police investigated. How could I ruin such a unique and wholesome person like Bella with my bullshit? I could be dangerous, but I had no way to know. I could be crazy or psychotic. Bella had already lost her mother and had shit to deal with at school; she didn't need my drama on top of it.

Back in Chicago, I never got close to anybody. The few people I called my friends were all a façade. They were my connections, or the girls that didn't mind fucking around without any attachments. People could never understand how frustrating it is waking up in a hospital and trying to figure out who the fuck you are. I didn't even know if I was gay or not back then.

I watched people. I tried to make sense of their actions and expressions. By the time I was sixteen, I had gotten pretty good at reading people's body language and emotions. Bella Swan, however, was the exception. I had watched her while at the party, the nurse's office, and in my car. I just couldn't figure her out. It was incredibly frustrating.

The bell rang, and I jolted forward in my seat. The front feet of my chair hit the ground with a thud, and my ribs slammed into the desk. _Fuck, that's going to bruise! _

"Ready to go, or do you want to sit here and continue daydreaming?" Jasper asked from beside me.

I smacked him on the shoulder and grabbed my bag. As I followed him out to the parking lot, I looked up and caught Swan staring at me. I furrowed my brows in confusion and tilted my head to the side. She turned back around quickly, her hair flying off of her shoulder as she twisted. _Strange, strange, girl._

Jasper visited for a few hours, and we listened to some Tool and smoked on my balcony. It was nice to feel a numbing sensation with a light head and an empty mind. Carlisle didn't come home until rather late, and Jasper had already left. I didn't leave my room once he came home. I didn't want to be scrutinized or questioned all over again.

I crawled into bed rather early, determined to make up for the lack of sleep from the night before and fell asleep quickly. When I awoke to the sound of my alarm, I smiled and stretched. _Thank God for no dreams. _I went to my stereo and turned on A Perfect Circle as I got ready.

Wednesday passed with no notable events. Bella was quiet during class and didn't look at me once. Emmett continued to play the glancing and looking away game, but I didn't pay him any attention. Lauren gave me a dark glare in the hallway, but I didn't look at her to acknowledge her distaste for me. The entire day had the feeling of repetition surrounding it. I felt like I had gone through the motions in another time or place. It was different though, in some way that I couldn't put my finger on.

I slept soundly with no interferences of mysterious dreams. When I got to school on Thursday, it looked as though Cupid had t.p'd the entire school with colors of love. There was apparently a Valentines dance the next weekend, and everyone was worked up about it, asking each other out and whispering during classes.

I teased Jasper about asking Alice to the dance, and he gave me an angry look. Apparently he didn't want to ask her to go with him because of Emmett and Rosalie. I told him to stop letting his sister rule his life, and he told me to drop it, so I did. I didn't really care who he went with or if he went at all, to be honest. I just enjoyed giving him a hard time.

That night, I ate dinner in silence with Carlisle and avoided meeting his eyes when he took my plate. He had fixed steak and fries in an attempt to hold a conversation. We remained awkwardly silent while the thoughts of old habits and new emotions, faded past memories and new peculiar dreams filled my mind. I went to bed with the strange white light in the forefront of my memory and the taste of salt still lingering on my tongue.

I woke on Friday and couldn't recall having any dreams. I dressed for school and left without having breakfast. I watched as Bella was stopped in the hall on two separate occasions that morning by guys. I walked a little slower, trying to eavesdrop on the conversations, but couldn't make out much of what was being said. The guys left her alone quickly after confronting her, and my mind raced as I tried to figure out what they had wanted. _Wait, why do I care? I shouldn't have anything to do with her. I'm not good for her. _

In biology, we had a lab. Bella and I took turns on the assignment as we filled out the questions on the paper we had been given. I only spoke the answers as we worked, and she only mumbled her agreement. We never locked eyes, and we never touched. After we finished the assignment, we sat like statues on our stools and waited for the bell to ring. Bella ran her fingers through her hair and the scent of strawberries mixed in the air. I suppressed my urge to inhale deeply and took quick breathes, stealing what little of the scent I could manage without looking creepy. I watched her as she walked out of the classroom and determined that her limp was gone.

I avoided Carlisle, skipping dinner all together and had another dreamless sleep. The weekend was boring; another week spent in the small town of Forks with nothing eventful happening. Jasper and I hung out in Port Angeles on Saturday, but on Sunday he hung out at my place while Carlisle was at work. I had noticed that Carlisle was more upbeat and smiling more often, and I wondered what that was all about. He didn't press me about my dreams, and he didn't bother me about talking about my past.

The next week passed rather quickly. The school was decorated in shades of red and pink, and I fought the urge to gag a few times due to the amount of hearts everywhere. By Friday, people were buying dance tickets and heart-grams. I rolled my eyes as they announced during first period that the grams would be handed out during fifth and sixth period in order to keep the focus on class for as long as possible.

I gave Jasper a hard time again about not having a date, and he gave me a stern look. I snickered and dropped the topic as Alice and Bella walked by to take their seat a few tables away. I glanced up, caught Bella's gaze and had to quickly look away. Her eyes were red and puffy again, and her cheeks were flushed, but not in a blushing kind of way. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice reach across the table and take Bella's hand. I looked down at my tray of food and sighed. I ate slowly as I thought about what could be bothering Bella this time.

A part of me wanted to go over there and ask her what was wrong or apologize for being so harsh to her in my car last week. The other part of me screamed to leave her alone and not get involved. I listened to the more rational part of my mind and stayed seated, averting my gaze and chewing slowly.

In biology, the heart-grams had become such an interruption that Mr. Banner decided to just put on a movie after fifteen minutes. The girls were giggly and obnoxious while the guys were red with embarrassment when they received their grams. I noticed that Bella hadn't gotten any grams by the time class was nearly over. She kept sinking lower and lower on her stool, until she finally just leaned over the desk and rested her head on her arms on the table.

"Bella Swan?" a girl called from the doorway.

Bella shot up in her seat and stared, wide-eyed at the girl. "Y-yes?"

"I have a heart-o-gram and a few candy-grams for you." The girl walked over to our table, glancing at me and smiling before sliding the red and pink decorated notes with candy stapled to them across the table. The girl looked back up at me again and fluttered her eyelashes with another smile. I suppressed my urge to roll my eyes and just smiled back casually.

Bella glanced at me, then quickly looked away. I tried to read the grams out of the corner of my eye, but it only gave me a headache. I sighed and rested my chin on my fist as I watched the movie. Odd feelings of jealousy and anger were bubbling up inside of me, but I pushed them down, ignoring Bella's reactions as she read her notes. After a few seconds, she gasped, and I heard a bag of candy drop to the ground.

I looked at her, puzzled, and she was staring back at me. I tried to decipher her expression, but I just couldn't make sense of it. She looked down at the note in her hand, then back up at me, narrowing her eyes like she was trying to work something out in her head. _What I wouldn't give to be able to read her mind right now. _

Just then, the bell rang, and Bella jumped. She grabbed the note and the few candy-grams that were still sitting on the desk and fled the room quickly, her messenger bag clutched tightly against her chest. I watched her leave and shook my head, still completely confused.

I looked down at the ground to grab my backpack, and saw the bag of candy that had fallen to the floor. I reached down and picked it up, examining it. It was a bag of strawberry gummies.

_Strawberry_.

Did someone else notice that she always smelled like strawberries? Had those guys been asking her out? Did she say yes to any of them? Why was she staring at me? I walked to sixth period as the various questions raced through my mind. I took my seat and stared down at my desk, a million questions echoing in my mind.

Jasper's name was called shortly after class began. Apparently, someone had sent him an anonymous heart-gram. He read it quickly before slipping it into his pocket and turning his attention back to the board. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I never even took the notes down.

When the bell rang, I waved goodbye to Jasper quickly and rushed home. I couldn't get the thought of Bella Swan out of my head. I smoked on my balcony, took a long cold shower, and even watched Donnie Darko. Nothing worked. The movie just made me envision Bella saying Gretchen's lines. I turned off the TV, climbed the stairs still in a slightly high state, and crawled into bed.

I awoke with a start at five in the morning. I gripped my hair tightly in my fist as I tried to steady my breathing. After thirty minutes of staring at the crack under my door, I finally got out of bed. An odd sense of déjà vu struck me as my feet touched the cold floor, and I shivered. I walked out my bedroom door and down the stairs to the kitchen.

I sat on the bar stool for close to an hour in complete silence and darkness. Around seven in the morning, the light flicked on, and I jumped.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't know you were in here," Carlisle said quietly.

I shrugged and leaned against the bar, pressing my cheek to the cold tile and closing my eyes. My lids felt heavy, but my mind wouldn't stop running in circles.

"Care to talk about what's on your mind?" Carlisle asked as he opened the fridge.

I shrugged again, my eyes still closed and let out a long breath.

"Alright then, silence it is," Carlisle said as he took a seat at the bar next to me.

I turned the other direction so he wouldn't be able to see my face and opened my eyes. I stared at the white wall for another few moments before I opened my mouth to speak.

"How was I found?" I asked quietly. My voice was rough from not being used all morning and my throat burned slightly from how dry it was. I swallowed and shifted my weight on the stool.

"What do you mean?" Carlisle asked.

"I mean… what did I look like when I was found? I don't want to know where I was found or what happened, just how I looked." I closed my eyes and held my breath as I waited for Carlisle to speak.

"You were blue. Your eyes were closed, but your lips were parted, and they were blue. Your skin was faintly purple in spots where it was bruised, and you felt cold to the touch. They didn't think you were alive, to be honest," Carlisle said in a soft voice.

I took in a shaky breath and opened my eyes, turning my head on my arms to face him again.

"Was there white anywhere?" I asked quietly, my voice barely a whisper.

Carlisle studied me for a moment, looking into my eyes then shifting his gaze to my fingers as I gripped my arms tightly and released. "No, I don't remember there being anything white. All I remember is blue."

_ "I didn't want to know, I just didn't want to know.  
Best to keep things in the shallow end,  
Cause I never quite learned how to swim.  
Close my eyes just to look at you,  
Taken by the seamless vision  
I close my eyes; Ignore the smoke.  
Ignore the smoke… ignore the smoke…"_  
~ A Perfect Circle "Blue"


	8. Ch8: Human Behavior

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and Storytellerslie]_

**AN: **This chapters song is by Bjork - Human Behavior. Go check it out on youtube. She's amazing.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud/ficwife.

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***Warning. This chapter contains extremely awkward moments. ***

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_"Abashed the Devil stood, and felt how awful goodness is, and saw Virtue in her own shape how lovely; saw and pined his loss."_  
~ John Milton.

**Human Behavior  
Chapter Eight  
BPOV**

I was completely, entirely, one-hundred and ten percent confused. I felt like a weird, twisted version of Marla Singer from the book Fight Club. I hadn't slept with Edward Cullen or anything, but he was a complete asshole, then a sweet and charming gentleman, and then he turned around and snubbed me.

Actually, I don't think the word confused properly conveys my state of mind for the last two weeks. Is there a stronger word than confused? If I were Charlie, what would I pick to sum everything up? Confounded? Astonished? Maybe something like bewildered, or abashed…

_Abashed the Devil stood, and felt how awful goodness is._

I pulled myself from that train of thought and looked down at the note in my hands. I felt my mind begin to wander again as I remembered the day all of this seemed to change so drastically.

The day after Edward drove me home, he completely ignored me in biology. He even went as far as to scoot his stool farther away from me. _Who does that kind of shit, I mean, really? _Moments after Edward had dropped me off, I had a text from Jasper. At first I wasn't sure why he would be texting me, but then it clicked; he's friends with Edward, and Edward wasn't at lunch.

Jasper asked if I had seen Edward, and I told him yes, he drove me home, and went home early himself. Jasper didn't ask any more questions, just replied with an "Oh, OK. Thanks" and left it at that. The rest of that week was bizarre and seemed like an obscure version of my life. I had an odd feeling, like I was watching everything from outside a box while everyone inside the box continued on normally, completely unaware that there was an audience. I was an outside observer in my own life. It didn't feel natural.

Alice had noticed that I was incredibly out of it and asked me several times what was on my mind. I just told her that I was lost in thought. I tried to tease her about asking Jasper to the Valentine's dance, or at least sending him a heart-gram, but she grew an intense shade of red and shut down, refusing to talk to me if I was going to be a bitch and bring him up.

Even Lauren noticed I wasn't my typical self, and she took advantage of that fact. The first time she caught me alone, she said some cruel things about Edward not being there to protect me. I tried to ignore her and didn't respond. The second and third time, however, I couldn't hold back the tears. I've never been the kind of girl to let someone bring me down, but I just didn't feel like myself. Some small part of who I was seemed to be missing or on vacation somewhere.

I spent the weekend passing time with chores and books and movies. I watched _The Crow_, but couldn't finish it, and when I put in _Fight Club, _I kept hearing other meanings behind the words and I shut it off. I didn't want a movie that made me depressed, or think too much. Why couldn't I just lose myself in something around me like I used to? Even music got my mind going; analyzing every word and rhythm.

The confusion really set in, however, the day before Valentine's. It was a Friday the thirteenth and I should have realized that Alice was right and that nothing good would come of the day, but I tried to stay optimistic. Lauren had set the bad day in motion with some particularly cruel words in the women's bathroom between third and fourth period which made me late for class, and earned me an extra assignment for my tardiness.

Then, during lunch, Alice was exceptionally chatty and I snapped at her which caused her to catch on to my bad mood and force the morning's events out of me. However, it was fifth period that was the icing on the metaphorical cake. I received a heart-gram and three candy-grams. The candy-grams were signed by Eric, Mike, and Tyler, even though I had turned them all down when they had asked me to the dance.

The heart-gram, however, wasn't signed and had strawberry gummies attached to it. The person would have had to pay double for the gift because candy-grams were just a "From:" and "To:" with the candy, but the heart-grams included notes. _My_ heart-gram included both, and it wasn't even a type of candy that was offered at the sale booth.

The only person that had ever mentioned my preference for strawberries before was Edward Cullen. Granted, I sometimes bought strawberry gum and flavored candy while at the grocery store, but I hadn't shared the reasoning or even the change in taste with anyone. The heart-gram _had _to be from Edward, which is what made everything so God-damned confusing. It read:

_"Bella, this candy reminds me of how sweet you are. May your day shine brighter."_

I stared down at the note in my hands and sighed. _I am Jack's perplexed state of mind. _If Edward had written the note, why didn't he say anything in class about it or sign it? If Edward didn't write the note, then who the hell did?

As my mind sorted through the possibilities, my phone chirped, causing me to jump. I dropped the note and picked up my phone. I leaned back against the headboard of my bed and read the message from Alice.

_What's with you today? You took off like a bat out of hell after school!_

I texted her back that I had a lot on my mind and didn't want to bump into Lauren in the parking lot.

Alice didn't buy it. She called me thirty seconds after I sent my text and I rolled my eyes.

"What?" I asked, answering my phone.

"Well hello to you too," Alice replied.

"Seriously, Alice. I'm totally not in the mood for games today," I said with a sigh.

"I know, I know. How about a sleepover instead? Tomorrow. My place. You can be my Valentine," she said in a high pitched voice.

"I'll think about it," I answered.

"Please, Bella? We can even go out to dinner at the diner," Alice pleaded. She was sounding more desperate, but she knew I would cave; I always did.

"Fine. But I'm coming over when I want, so leave me alone until I get there," I said, giving my terms for the agreement.

"Fine. Grump. See you tomorrow, Bella," Alice said cheerily.

"Bye, Alice." I hung up the phone and sighed, tossing it toward the foot of the bed.

Throughout the rest of the night, my bad luck continued to follow me. I stubbed my toe on my bed… twice. I burnt the bread for dinner, I got shampoo in my eye, and I ran out of ink in my favorite pen. I chucked the pen across the room and huffed loudly as I threw myself onto my bed, not even bothering to get under the covers.

I woke around nine the next morning, completely rested. While I didn't have a date to the dance, or a Valentine, the day wasn't starting out too bad. I spent most of my morning doing chores around the house while Charlie was out fishing. Once the house was spotless and I couldn't find anything else to do, I decided it was time to head over to Alice's house. I wrote my dad a note and stuck it to the table where he put his keys.

As I grabbed my coat and packed bag to head out the door, I realized I hadn't written my haiku for the day, or read Charlie's word. I dropped everything by the door and walked back to the fridge.

Fortunate.

Charlie felt fortunate yesterday? For what? A klutzy daughter who burnt half of his dinner and was pissy all afternoon? _Whatever, Dad._

I grabbed the marker and erased the previous haiku quickly. I stared at the board that, years ago, used to be perfectly white, but was now reduced to an odd shade of smudged greys and covered with scratches. The whiteboard was so used and worn down, but it still remained there, day-in and day-out. It was reliable. Dependable.

_Logic; please make haste._

_Sweet but bitter on the tongue._

_Practice diligence._

I nodded in approval after reading it over and returned the pen to its holder. I gathered my things at the door and walked outside. It was overcast, and slightly misty, but the temperature wasn't too frigid. I walked across the yard and through the foliage between lots, and made my way to Alice's front porch. The moment I reached the bottom wooden step, the front door flew open and Alice squealed, launching herself at me.

"Happy Valentine's, Bee-bee!"

I rolled my eyes at the nickname she knew I hated, and hugged her tightly.

"Good afternoon to you too, Alleycat," I said teasingly.

Alice huffed, crossed her arms and glared, but she couldn't sustain the expression for very long before she began giggling. I slapped her lightly on the arm and stepped towards the door as she turned to walk inside with me.

"So, what's your epic plan, ma'am?" I asked.

"Well, romance movies with some cheddar popcorn and skittles, then dinner at the restaurant, and then a Ben and Jerry's ice cream bash with Alice's Magical Bag of Wonder! Or maybe more movies."

"Do you plan on shopping for sweatpants and over-sized shirts while we are out, because there is no way we are fitting into our clothes tomorrow if we follow through with your plan."

"Hmmm… we could go shopping tomorrow! But no sweatpants, you know I hate that stuff. It's nice the first few times but after a couple of washes, the fuzzy part on the inside gets all stiff and scratchy," she whined.

I laughed and shook my head. Alice was one of a kind. We hurried into her room and I plopped down onto her bed while she busied herself with movie selection. She tossed movie after movie onto the bed and I began sorting them into yes or no piles.

"Hey, where is _Pride and Prejudice_? We have to include that today," I complained. I wasn't fond of the book, but the recent movie version was amazing. The lighting, pacing, and acting were phenomenal, not to mention the man they had playing Mr. Darcy. I suffered through the book for English, but my heart palpitated for the movie.

"Oh, come on, Bella! You know I get tired of trying to keep up with the dialogue. I hate that story," Alice whined as she looked through the last shelf of DVDs.

"You'll have to deal with it next year in English. Plus, it's my favorite, Aly. Please? If I have to watch _Ten Things I Hate About You_ again, you have to endure Mr. Darcy."

"Fine. But only because I have to have my Ledger fix."

"You do realize that there are massive similarities in both movies, right? I mean, Mr. Darcy is drawn to Elizabeth because of her wit and intellect and how she rebels, staying true to herself. She puts him in his place, and isn't impressed by his wealth or social status. Patrick falls in love with Kat because she is strong-headed, intelligent, and plays hard to get. Both women are independent, and aren't intimidated by a man's superficial importance, while both men are interested in the women because of their knowledge, charm, and rebellious streak." I finished sorting the pile of movies she had tossed to me around the same time that I finished my rant, and looked up at Alice. She had turned around, tilted her head to the side, placed her hands on her hips, and furrowed her brows as she contemplated my speech.

"Yeah, but Mr. Darcy is so angsty and whiney and old school. At least Patrick is the modern bad boy that Kat's father hates. He's just misunderstood, whereas Mr. Darcy is a social reject who's too broody for his own good," she replied thoughtfully. She seemed so serious and matter of fact, as if she had put a great deal of thought into her argument.

I fell back against the pillows on the bed and laughed so hard that my ribs ached. Alice took a stuffed animal from the foot of the bed and beat me with it playfully before she joined me in laughing.

She fell onto the bed, bouncing softly a few times as she smiled at me. "Alright, fine. You can have your Mr. Darcy, and I can have my Patrick. We'll toss in some Westley for fantasy, and call it even."

I held my hand out and grinned. "Deal!"

"Deal."

We watched her favorite first, followed by mine. We ran out of skittles and popcorn by the time we put _Princess Bride_ in, but we still had dinner to go to anyway. Alice swooned as Westley declared his love for Buttercup, whereas I quoted Fezzik, Inigo, and Vizzini as the Dread Pirate Roberts chased them for the first half of the movie.

I found it was easier to immerse myself in romance flicks than the other films I had tried. Perhaps the genre made it easier - _The Crow_ was romantic, but it was also a drama and a tragedy, whilst _Donnie Darko_ was simply twisted and suspenseful. Or maybe it was the company. Either way, I was grateful for the afternoon with my best friend.

"Alright, let me get dressed and we can head to the diner. You drive, I pay. You couldn't ask for a better deal." Alice walked into her closet and began tossing things onto her bed from the doorway. I picked up each piece, giving it a quick look, and tossed it to the side.

"Aly, how are you going to pay? I know Esme's decorating business hasn't had many clients lately."

Alice tossed two more things onto the bed and then peeked out around the doorway. "I still have some money left over from my birthday. I want us to go out tonight, Bells. Please just let me do this?"

I picked up one of the tops she had thrown onto the bed and smiled. It looked new and was deep plum with shades of olive. It consisted of multiple layers, and was very wispy and elegant. It looked very Alice. I held the top up and nodded. Alice beamed, her eyes glowing brightly as she ducked back into her closet to look for a bottom to match it.

"Alright, fine. But I get to buy the ice cream."

"Deal!" A few moments later she was standing in the doorway with a pair of brown flared slacks with a deep blue pin striping. I didn't know how she did it, but Alice could pull off an amazing outfit without duplicating a single color in any of the pieces.

I pulled a deep blue sweater out of my bag and changed into it quickly. Alice pinned part of my hair back with a clip and ran her fingers through her own short brown hair quickly. It stuck out in various directions around her face and neck, but fell loosely around the top. How she got it to do the same thing every day so perfectly was another Alice mystery.

The drive to the diner took us ten minutes, but waiting for a table took over thirty. Who knew so many couples existed in such a small town. As the hostess showed us to our table, I noticed a lot of families were seated, not couples. When the waitress arrived, she introduced herself as Victoria, took our drink order, and asked if we wanted any appetizers. Alice ordered hot wings, while I decided on the salad bar.

"Are you already starting with the health conscious crap? It's supposed to be a girl's night out! You know, fun, fat, and romance, not salads and iced teas. What kind of ice cream are you going to get? Soy? Sorbet?" Alice rolled her eyes but smiled playfully. I swatted her on the arm as I got up and headed for the salad bar.

I chose an assortment of veggie sticks and created a small salad work of art on my plate before topping it all with a rather large cherry tomato. I smiled at my masterful art piece and turned to head back to the table. My plate hit something stiff in front of me, and I gasped as the salad tipped back against my sweater, covering me in ranch dressing, and the tomato rolled off my plate.

"Oh my God!" I looked down at the edible ornament topper as a pair of pale hands caught it gently. I looked up quickly and gasped again as I stared into a pair of green eyes. "Edward!"

"Fancy _running_ into you here," he said quietly.

I felt the blush creep up my cheeks, mimicking the shade of the cherry tomato in Edward's hands. I looked down at the tomato, and then at my plate and grew an even deeper shade of crimson. White dressing was all over my chest, carrots at my feet, cracker crumbs down the front of my sweater, but the perfect, red tomato was held securely by Edward's perfect fingers.

"I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, slightly louder than I intended. I hunched my shoulders. _Can the floor just swallow me already and get this over with?_

"I hope we aren't back to that phrase again. Here I thought you had learned to stop apologizing."

I didn't look up; I couldn't. I chewed on my lower lip and groaned. I moved to walk around him quickly, but my feet didn't cooperate, and somehow I crossed them and felt myself falling forward. I saw the tomato fall to the ground out of the corner of my eye at the same time I felt Edward's fingers wrap around my arm and waist. My body stilled, and I noticed I was holding my breath.

"Still just as clumsy, though," he whispered.

"That'll never change," I murmured.

"Let me help you with that," Edward said quietly from beside me, gesturing to my plate.

I was suddenly conscious of his hand on my waist, and fingers wrapped around my forearm. I took a shaky breath and looked up into his eyes which were fixated on my plate.

"I'll be fine. I should go clean myself up," I said more confidently than I felt.

"Please," he said quietly. He released his grip on me and held a hand out toward my plate.

I studied his expression closely, but I still couldn't figure him out. _What's your game, Cullen? _

"Fine." I handed him my plate and grabbed a few napkins. He disappeared for a few moments while I was wiping the Ranch from my sweater. When he returned, he was carrying a full plate that was almost identical to the one I had before. "Oh! You didn't have to do that," I said hurriedly.

"Nonsense. It was my fault this time. I was studying your artwork and didn't realize how close I was," he said casually, but I could hear a playful tone in the last sentence.

"Oh, I… um."

"Sorry. Sometimes I don't know how to hold my tongue when you're around." He looked away and sighed, holding the plate out towards me.

I looked at it, looked back at him, and furrowed my brows. "You're trusting me with another plate?" I said, trying to lighten the mood again.

He grinned and looked back down at the plate before shrugging. "You're right. Maybe I should escort you to your table. Unless you think your date would mind?"

_Date? OH! Valentine's. Date. Right._ "I don't think my date will mind, if yours doesn't."

"Carlisle won't mind," he replied.

_Carlisle? So he wasn't on a date. Interesting._

I walked back to the table and tried to keep my blush from returning. "Look who I happened to run into," I said calmly as I sat down in my chair.

Edward set my plate down on the table and nodded at Alice. Her eyes grew wide as she looked back and forth from me to Edward.

"Hello, Alice."

"Hi." Alice continued to stare at me and then looked back at Edward. Her eyes rested on my sweater for a brief second and she gasped. "Wait! Ran into? Bella, you didn't!"

The crimson graced my cheeks once again and I looked down at my plate. There were two perfect cherry tomatoes sitting on top this time. "I did."

"No!" Alice exclaimed.

I nodded, and Alice began giggling. "Whatever are we going to do with you? Charlie should have asked for a refund. His daughter has two left feet."

"Alice!" I gasped, shocked. We always picked on each other, but Edward-freaking-Cullen was still standing there.

"What?" she said innocently. She glanced up at Edward again and grinned.

"Enjoy your dinner, Bella." Edward turned to leave but I reached out and grabbed his wrist. His skin was soft but cold, and I shivered. "Thank you."

_What the hell has come over me?_

He turned and looked back at me, puzzled. "Not necessary. Like I said, it was my fault this time." Edward turned to walk away again, but I didn't let go of his wrist.

"No, not for the salad, for the candy."

_Why can't I keep my mouth shut around this guy?_

_He's hot, that's why._

I internally rolled my eyes at myself.

Both Edward and Alice looked at me at the same exact time. Alice's eyes were wide, and Edward looked confused.

"Candy?" Edward asked.

"Um, Bella, I think we should let Edward get back to his dinner," Alice said quickly.

"Yeah, the candy. It was confusing, considering our last… conversation, but sweet none-the-less."

"What are you talking about, Bella?" Edward asked.

"Nothing, Edward. Thank you for helping Bella. Happy Valentine's. I'm sure your date is waiting." Alice sounded panicked and I looked at her, confused.

"He's with Carlisle, Alice. What's your problem?" I asked.

"Nothing, nothing." Alice shook her head. Her hands were shaking and she was rubbing her thumb and index fingers together. _She's lying. _

"It's not nothing. I was thanking Edward for the heart-gram, and you're practically shooing him away."

"Bella, I—" Alice and Edward both said at once.

I let go of Edward's wrist slowly. I looked back and forth at them, completely confused, until Edward spoke again a few seconds later.

"Bella, I didn't give you any of those grams yesterday. I didn't buy anyone a gram. I hate Valentine's." Edward shuffled his feet as he ran a hand through his hair.

"You… what?" I asked.

"I hate Valentine's," he repeated.

"No, no… you… didn't give me the heart-gram with the strawberry candy?" I swallowed. My cheeks were on fire and my eyes were beginning to water with humiliation-induced tears.

"No," Edward said quietly. "I told you we shouldn't be friends, and I meant that."

"Of course. I'm so stupid." I closed my eyes and tried to keep the tears at bay. I felt like a complete moron! "But then who…"

"I did," Alice mumbled.

I gasped and looked at Alice, shocked. "You?"

Alice nodded slowly as she stirred her coke with her straw, refusing to look at me.

"I… think I should get back to my dinner table," Edward said awkwardly.

I nodded once, but didn't watch him leave. The waitress came by to deliver Alice's wings, but she didn't touch them. A few long moments of silence passed with neither of us looking at each other before I cleared my throat. "Why didn't you tell me, Alice? I just made a complete fool of myself!"

Alice flinched and began to bounce her leg nervously. "I know, I know. You've just been so depressed lately; I wanted to cheer you up! You wouldn't tell me what was wrong, and you wouldn't tell me who was to blame, so I just wanted to see you smile. I didn't… I didn't think you would assume it was Edward. I figured it was obvious it was from me," she said quietly.

Obvious? How could it be obvious? Edward made the strawberry comment. Alice never… Alice…

"You always said you liked my shampoo. You asked me about the strawberry gum. You… oh, God, I'm so stupid!" I leaned forward, my forehead hitting the table with a dull thud.

"Why did you think it was Edward? What aren't you telling me, Bella?"

"Edward saw me in the grocery story awhile back, and commented on the pomegranate sorbet I was buying. He told me to try the strawberry. I just thought… I don't know what I was thinking."

"What did he mean when he said you shouldn't be friends? What am I missing?"

I sighed and laid my head on my arms across the table. "He drove me home that day that I hurt my ankle. He said that he couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't be my friend. It was completely out of left field, Alice! It's not like we were planning a trip to Seattle over the weekend, or going to a concert or anything!"

"About time you spilled! I thought I would have to ask Esme to get involved. Bella, why didn't you tell me this sooner? Like last week when it all happened? There is no reason for you to mope around over some stupid new boy at school that doesn't know a good thing when he sees it."

"Because I think I like him, Aly. I thought I did, anyway, until he turned all weird and dick-like."

Alice reached across the table and squeezed my hand. "Hey. I'm your date, remember? No bringing up losers for the rest of the night. I'm just glad you were finally attracted to a person of the opposite sex. I was beginning to wonder if you were asexual."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "I like Mr. Darcy, don't I?"

"My point exactly." Alice smirked and tried to suppress her laughter, but it came out as a snort instead.

I laughed and buried my face in my arm and shook my head. "Thanks, Alice," I mumbled.

"Don't mention it."

We enjoyed our dinner, talking about the stupid guys left in Forks, and how none of them were even an option for a romantic partner. Alice enjoyed the lemon and herb encrusted salmon, while I had the shrimp alfredo dish. We laughed throughout most of the night, and I refused to turn around in my seat when I felt someone watching, afraid that it might be Edward.

We got our leftovers boxed up, tipped the waitress, and headed to my truck. We went to the store to pick up dessert and I had an idea while passing the beauty section. Alice and I looked through the assortments of hair dye, picking out a deep red labeled cinnamon, and a midnight black for her. Alice and I both had rather plain, brown hair. Alice's was darker brown, while mine already had red highlights, but it was still dull and boring.

After picking out the new colors, we decided to reinvent ourselves in a few other ways as well. I swore off anything strawberry, and had Alice help me pick out new shampoo, lotion, and body spray. We settled on a green tea and cucumber scent that was very light and not too sweet. Alice decided to try new makeup colors, and went for silver, grey and light pink.

We grabbed ice cream, some soda and more popcorn, and headed home. For the rest of the evening, we curled up on Alice's bed watching more movies and eating ice cream. Alice insisted on watching _The Crow_, even though I had already attempted it once in the past week. I suffered through it, paying closer attention to the lighting and dialogue than the sad story and heartbreak. I decided that I wanted another fantasy love story, so we finished the night with _Stardust_.

Two tubs of Ben and Jerry's, one bag of popcorn, and half of a twelve-pack of soda later, Alice and I couldn't move. I rolled under the covers while she turned off the TV with the remote. I pulled off my sweater, leaving just my bra on, and wiggled out of my already unbuttoned and unzipped pants.

Emmett always gave us a hard time about being lesbians because occasionally we slept in our underwear in the same bed, but we felt more like sisters than anything else. Alice turned off the lamp, and rolled onto her side as she yawned and closed her eyes.

When I closed my eyes, the faint outline of a smile remained in my mind. It took me a few minutes of mentally tracing the dips and swells of the lips to realize who they belonged to. I pressed my thighs together and sighed shakily as I tried to erase the thought from my mind, but the lips just parted into a smirk. No matter what I did to clear my mind, or tell myself that I was being stupid, my thoughts would return to the owner of the perfect lips. As I drifted asleep, a name gently rolled off of my tongue, forcing my own smile to spread across my lips.

"Edward Cullen."

_"If you ever get close to a human and human behavior.  
Be ready to get confused.  
There's definitely no logic to human behavior.  
But yet so irresistible.  
There's no map to human behavior.  
They're terribly moody, then all of a sudden turn happy.  
But, oh, to get involved in the exchange of human emotions is ever so satisfying."_  
~ Bjork "Human Behavior"


	9. Ch9: Schism

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

[Beta: TRDancer and MommaBear]

**AN: **The title of this chapter comes from Tool - Schism. The lyrics REALLY fit Bella and Edward's relationship as of now... and even in the future. =P

The CD mentioned later, is Tool's Lateralus album. My favorite, by far.

* * *

*** Warning. This chapter contains illegal drug use, and mild language. It also covers a wide variety of mental health issues such as PTSD, nightmares and retrograde amnesia. Physical abuse will also be a topic briefly mentioned.***

* * *

_ "I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down  
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to  
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.  
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication"_  
~Tool 'Schism'

**Schism****  
Chapter Nine  
EPOV**

The completely random, ass-backward, and awkward ramblings of Bella Swan would never cease to amaze me. How did she conclude that I had given her the heart-gram? Did I not make it clear that I wouldn't be her friend? How can I even think about being friends with the girl when my brain-to-mouth filter disintegrates at the simple mention of her name? I would surely make an ass out of myself and fuck things up to hell and back if I ever got to know her more. Hence the reason to tell her I'm not interested, never was interested, and never will be interested.

Sure, it was dick-like, but it's for the best in the long run. I can't just be some girl's friend, especially when I think about boning her every time her back is turned. With my fucked up luck, I'd screw things over for both myself and her. Bella Swan was far too good of a person to ruin with my bullshit.

_Self-sacrificing much, asshole? _

_Damn straight._

When I got back to the table, Carlisle had an odd expression.

"What?"

"Nothing. You were just gone for a while, and now you have this look of pure confusion on your face. Only two things can put that look on a man's face; a conversation about literature and romance novels, or a female." Carlisle had a lazy grin on his lips and one eyebrow quirked like he was some damn mind reader.

"Whatever. Can we eat now?" I huffed and slid onto the bench, eyeing the food on the table.

"Dig in, lover boy."

I rolled my eyes and refused to speak for the rest of dinner.

"Are you still having a hard time sleeping?" Carlisle asked on the way home.

"What's it matter?" I mumbled, fidgeting in my seat and staring out the window. The windows were fogged slightly due to the heater, and the windshield wipers were squeaking back and forth. Apparently Forks weather didn't approve of Valentine's Day either.

"Because I was thinking we could go see Dr. Gerandy tomorrow morning if you want. We could see about getting you a prescription for Ambien. It's a new sleep aid that's proven successful with few side effects."

"Whatever."

"Your vocabulary seems to have diminished since we moved here. Is it possible for brain cells to die so quickly when forced to live in a small town?"

"Why are you asking me? You're the doctor, genius."

"Ah, there's a few more words. I guess it was a false alarm." I caught Carlisle's smile out of the corner of my eyes and sighed. _Whatever._

The rain continued to pour as we pulled into the garage and made our way into the house. Carlisle flipped on the lights ahead of me, and, for a moment, the bright white lights stung my eyes.

_White light._

I shook my head and rubbed my temples with my fingertips. _Fucking dreams._ This night couldn't end fast enough.

"So, if you want to follow me down to the hospital tomorrow morning, we can get you in with Dr. Gerandy and get a prescription for you." Carlisle dropped his keys on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge, grabbing out a bottle of water.

"How early? It's Sunday. You know how I feel about weekends." I sat down on the barstool and leaned across the counter, resting my chin on my forearm.

"Well, my shift starts at seven AM, but if you want to come down a little later, you can. Dr. Gerandy usually gets busy after ten and takes his lunch around noon, so not too late, Edward. Be sure to stop by my office before you go see him. I'll have your paperwork for you."

"So much for trying to sleep in for once," I mumbled as I ran my hand through my hair.

"I'm just trying to help, Edward."

"I know. Thanks, Carlisle. I'll try to be down there around nine."

Carlisle put the bottle of water back in the fridge and gripped my shoulder as he walked by. "Goodnight, Edward. Try to get some early rest tonight, huh?"

"Yeah."

I trudged upstairs, not bothering to turn on any of the hall lights, and made my way into my room. I closed my bedroom door behind me and headed for my balcony. I grabbed my cigarettes out of the drawer by the sliding door, and stepped outside silently. The cold air shocked my nostrils as I took in a deep breath. The scent of the rain flooded my nose and I groaned. _I hate the rain. _

_It can't rain all the time._

Obviously, the writer of _The Crow_ never lived in Forks. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, feeling the burn at the back of my throat. I hated and loved the dull ache smoking caused. It reminded me that we all have our vices and imperfections, but that we were still alive. Stupid reason to smoke, sure, but fuck, it's my life.

I flicked the butt out into the wet foliage and headed back inside. I rarely felt like listening to an entire CD from beginning to end, but for some reason I was really craving some Tool; specifically "Lateralus". I put the CD in and reclined back on my bed on top of the blanket. The past week's events shuffled through my mind like a playlist on random.

Bella Swan received three candy-grams from three separate guys, but she didn't go to the Valentine's dance with any of them. Apparently, she had reason to believe that I had given her the heart-gram when I didn't. I didn't even know what the damn thing said.

Then my mind sorted back to watching her make pizzas in Jasper's kitchen. Her mother left her when she was only five. I wondered what the circumstances were. Was there yelling and fighting and she just took off with the family car? Did she pack her bags in the middle of the night, or did her father kick her mother out due to some argument?

Next was biology. The way she always looked at me in class was weird enough, but the one day that she just stared until I looked was icing on the cake. It was like she was willing me, or daring me to look at her; to pay attention to her.

_You have my attention now, Swan._

_Wait, why am I so enraptured with the enigma of Bella Swan?_

_Oh, right, because you want her but you shouldn't have her, and you haven't gotten it on with anyone since you got out of the hospital for the heroin fix._

Slowly, my thoughts drifted to my recent dreams. There were the reoccurring visions of pure white. It felt like light, but I couldn't be certain. It was all consuming, like a movie camera had moved to look at the sun, and the entire image was washed out until all that could be seen was white. It was jarring and could wake anyone up if they had been sleeping through the movie. The white in my dream had the same feeling, like I had been in a daze and suddenly everything was pristine and wide awake, but I was still dreaming.

The other part that didn't sit well with me was the taste of salt. The taste was bad by itself, but the feeling it gave me was panic and hopelessness, and I couldn't figure out why.

My heart rate had picked up just thinking about it, and I decided that I had to change my focus if I planned on getting to sleep tonight. My mind went back to Bella Swan and I sighed, rolled onto my side, and stared at the clock. If I were to fall asleep at that moment, I would get eight hours of sleep before I had to get up and get ready to go to the hospital. I groaned and closed my eyes, trying to clear my head.

_Chocolate, strawberry, milk, cherry…_

_What the fuck is with my head? _

I ran my hand over my face, tugging at my skin with frustration. _This girl will be the death of me. _

_Salt. _

My hand stilled over my lips as my heart rate tripled. The taste of salt was strong on my lips, and I could smell the perspiration from my hand and forehead. _Salt. _I pulled my hand away quickly and got out of bed. I paced around the room, taking rapid breaths as I tried to sort everything out in my head. _Cold shower. Now. _

I was peeling my clothes off, nearly ripping the buttons off of my shirt as I struggled to get undressed. My socks put up the most fight, and I was in such a state of panic by the time I finally flung them across the room that I nearly slipped on the tile as I turned on the shower. The cold water ran over my skin as I tried to steady my breathing. I couldn't make sense of my own head or reactions, and I was freaking myself out. _Who the hell am I, really? _I didn't feel like myself. I had that strange feeling, like I was watching a mime in an invisible box, and I couldn't understand what the hell he was doing. I was the mime, _and_ I was the audience. Hell, maybe the mime didn't know what he was doing either.

Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor of the bathroom, sitting beside the drain in the center of the tile and staring up at the showerhead. I could feel the wetness on my lashes as I blinked, the droplets running down my face like salt-less tears.

_Salt. _

I sat under the water for an undefined time, lost in my mind without really thinking about anything. The lights flickered as I heard a crack of thunder and the entire room went black; totally, utterly, pitch-black. I scooted backwards on the tile, pressing myself against the wall. I pulled my knees up to my chest tightly and sat out of the water with my eyes shut. I thought of blinding white light and imagined footsteps casting a shadow under my door. I gripped my hair tightly, wishing the images and delusions away, but they repeated louder and faster in my head until the footsteps were the same rhythm as my heartbeat.

"Carlisle!"

I shivered and kept my eyes tightly closed as I rocked on my tailbone against the wall. The footsteps repeated in my head, again, and again. _Thump. Thump. Thump._

The lights flickered back on, and the brightness burned my eyes. I blinked and tried to focus on my surroundings. Nothing had changed. The bathroom was just as it always was, and the water was still swirling into the drain clockwise. Carlisle must not have heard me, because he never came into my room. I got out of the shower, dried myself off and climbing into bed, not bothering to dress. My nerves were fried, and my mind wasn't going to calm down anytime soon. Finally, my eyelids were heavy and my mind slipped into unconsciousness.

I awoke from the same dream, but this time the footsteps never came. I sat in my room quietly and stared out the window as it rained blood over the city of Chicago. The colors were dark this time and highly saturated, like a Batman comic book or the movie Sin City. I ran my hand through my hair and realized I had gone to bed with it wet. It was kinked in all sorts of odd directions and flat on one side of my head.

I decided another shower was in order. I got dressed quickly and checked the clock. The digits were flashing, and I remembered the power had gone out. _Shit_. I checked my phone and realized it was already half past nine in the morning. _Double_ s_hit. _

I grabbed my keys, wallet, lighter and cigarettes and dashed down the stairs. I made it to the hospital in fifteen minutes, but finding which entrance to park near took me almost just as long. _I hate fucking hospitals. _I looked straight ahead as I sauntered through the sliding doors of the pickup area and headed for the desk. I tried to avoid taking deep breaths and breathed through my mouth. The smell of hospitals always freaked me out, reminding me of the months I stayed in one before Carlisle took me home.

The receptionist pointed me in the direction of Carlisle's office, and I could feel her eyes watching me as I walked away. _You're too old, sugar. _Women sure did like their jail-bait. I knocked twice on the wooden door, and Carlisle opened it a few seconds later. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked exceptionally pale.

"Long night for you too, Doctor C?"

"Don't start, Edward. Apparently the power went out, so my alarm never went off. I've already spent twenty minutes being reamed by the head of Pediatrics for being late. I don't need your sarcasm and snarky commentary. Here is your paperwork. It just needs your signature, and any comments you want to add on the second page. I've filled out all the information for the insurance, and the billing department has the contact numbers. Have me paged if you have any problems, and keep your attitude in your head, I work with these people." Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose as he held the papers out for me to take. I looked him over and decided it wasn't worth the effort to hassle him. I wasn't in the best of moods either.

I took the documents, glanced over them, and chuckled. _How do people read this handwriting? Seriously, it's like a serial killer. Where are the newspaper letter clippings?_

"Thanks, Carlisle. Do you want me to stop by to let you know how it went?"

"No, you should be fine. Tell him you would prefer Ambien because of the lack of side effects. I'll worry about monitoring the addictiveness of it because of your past. Dr. Gerandy shouldn't have any problems writing the prescription. I'd do it, but I can't because it's a conflict of interest in the moral and ethics codes."

"Alright. I'll see you back at home. What time is your shift over?" I took a moment to look around his office and noticed that it was covered in books, just like his room at home. His desk was a mess, and the trash had several cups of coffee sticking out the top. _Bad day would be an understatement._

"Since I was late, I won't be home until seven tonight, maybe later. Go ahead and order take out, or stop by the store and pick something up." He handed me a small stack of twenties and shooed me out the door.

With that, I left and headed back to the receptionist. She pointed me in another direction to Dr. Gerandy's office and told me she would page him to let him know I was on my way.

I stood outside an office for nearly ten minutes before a short, round man with an early balding issue walked around the corner and smiled at me. I was reminded of Danny DeVito from _Batman Returns_, and suppressed my urge to ask him where the suit and cane were.

"So, you must be Carlisle's nephew. Edward, correct? I suspect he has your files filled out?" He put his key into the lock and stepped inside, turning the light on as he walked to his desk.

"Yes, I didn't add any comments though." I lingered in front of his desk briefly before he waved his hand for me to sit down. He handed me a pen to sign the papers. I signed my name and slid the stack across the table to him as he took a seat in a padded chair that was far too tall for him.

"Carlisle mentioned you were having trouble sleeping, and he thought Ambien would do the trick. I have to admit, I'm a bit concerned about the chances of you becoming addicted to Ambien given your previous history with narcotics." He shuffled through the papers and stroked his chin as he looked them over.

"Carlisle said you might bring that up. He said that he would be keeping a close eye on my consumption. He is also known to randomly drug test me. I've put the drugs behind me, Sir." I tried to lay the politeness on thick. If Carlisle thought these drugs would do the trick, I was going to go with it because after a night like last night, I'd do anything to get rid of these dreams.

"Hmm. Well, I'm not comfortable with it, but I trust Carlisle. He's only been here for a few weeks, but he seems like a great guy. I'll write you the prescription for the lower dosage of five milligrams, but I want to see you back here in one and a half weeks to see how you are doing with it. Are we agreed?" His expression was stern, so I knew he was being serious. I nodded once and shifted in my chair uncomfortably.

"Alright. As your doctor, I have to say this crap, so just listen, smile, and nod. The typical side effects of Ambien include drowsiness, upset stomach, vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, headache, dry mouth, and muscle aches."

I wanted to laugh, but I bit my tongue and smiled, nodding. _The sleeping pills may cause drowsiness. Seriously? What kind of moron writes these warning labels? _It reminded me of those commercials for birth control, or limp dick syndrome where they say that it may cause anal-leakage. Sure, you won't get pregnant, and you can screw like bunnies for hours as if it were an Olympic race, but your ass will leak.

Doctor Gerandy continued on with his monologue about the side effects and warnings and I tried to seem like I was paying attention. "If you experience any of the following symptoms, notify me or Carlisle right away: fast or irregular heartbeat; chest pains; difficulty breathing; emotional, behavioral, or mental changes; abnormal thinking or dreams; and severe depression."

_Abnormal dreams? Isn't that what I'm taking this shit to get rid of, not get more of? _Well, this shit won't fly. If I see pink elephants and Batman sitting outside my window while it's raining blood, Carlisle and I are going to have some words.

I nodded again and waited patiently as he scribbled on some small pad of paper. He tore the top page off, slid it across the desk and stood up from his chair. "It was nice meeting you, Edward. I'm sure if you have any concerns or questions you will notify your uncle or myself. Please don't hesitate to call; my door is always open to my patients. Also, keep in mind that while I work with your uncle, I am still restricted to doctor patient confidentiality, and anything you say in my presence will not be repeated. Are we understood?"

I nodded my head once and stood up. He reached his short arm across his desk and I leaned over to grasp it, shaking firmly.

"Well, enjoy the rest of your Sunday. The pharmacy is down the hall and to the right, just follow the signs. I'll see you next Wednesday for a checkup sometime after school."

"Thank you, Sir." I turned and walked out of the room. My feet moved quickly down the hall and around the corner as I searched for the pharmacy. I got the prescription filled within ten minutes, and was pulling out of the parking lot within fifteen.

I stopped at the corner of the parking lot and tried to decide what I wanted to do for the afternoon. I didn't feel like take out for dinner, but a quick burger for lunch didn't seem like a bad idea. I stopped at the diner and got a bacon western burger and fries, ignoring the waitress who was trying to hit on me. I paid for my lunch and left the receipt with her phone number across the top on the table with a two dollar tip in change. I doubted she would get the reference to the phrase "two-dollar whore". I smiled at my own sense of humor as I hopped in the car.

I contemplated the next course of action for my Sunday and decided that perhaps Jasper would have some bright ideas. I headed down the street towards his house, listening to the radio. Tool came on while I was pulling into Jasper's driveway, and I sat in the car to listen to the end of the song. As "Schism" came to an end, I heard yelling and a loud slam.

I looked up quickly and saw a tall, thin, middle-aged man with short, blond hair storming down the driveway. Our eyes met and he studied me for a moment before huffing and getting into a shiny, slate-grey Dodge Challenger. I watched as he peeled out of the driveway and sped off down the street. I contemplated pulling out and leaving, but before I could start my car, Jasper walked outside looking particularly pissed off.

He stopped dead in his tracks twenty paces in front of my car and stared at me. His expression changed from anger, to annoyance, to confusion and then to relief.

"What the fuck brought you here on God's Holy day?"

I opened my car door, pulling the keys from the ignition and stepped half way out of the car. I leaned my arm on the top of the door and shrugged. "Got bored. Shitty night. I thought you might be up to something to help pass the day."

"The only plan I have is getting the fuck out of this house. Whatever else you come up with, I'm game."

"Sure, we can head back to my place. Carlisle is gone until seven this evening if you want to come chill."

"Sounds perfect. Let me get some shit from my trunk." Jasper popped the back of his car open and dug inside for a few minutes. He pulled out a leather jacket, his box with his stash, and a small duffle bag.

"Planning on a longer stay?" I asked curiously, eyeing the bag and jacket.

"I don't care if I sleep on your balcony, but I don't plan on coming home tonight." Jasper closed the trunk and walked around to the side of my car.

"You might want to grab your school shit then so we don't have to stop by tomorrow morning."

Jasper sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and looked back at his house. "Alright, give me a minute. Have the car running, alright?"

"Uh… okay?" I said, though it sounded more like a question.

I watched as Jasper ran around the side of his house and propped a window open, crawling inside quickly. _Fucking ninja shit, right there. _I ducked back into my car and started the engine, pulling out of the driveway and idling by the curb. About two minutes later, Jasper came dashing out of the front door, nearly tripping on a rock in the front yard. A woman with long strawberry-blond hair came out the door behind him, staggering and screaming.

"Jasper, I mean it! Don't you dare take off like him. You're just like him, you bastard! Run away! See if I give a damn, you little shit!" She started shaking her fist and nearly fell over when her foot landed awkwardly.

I was completely shocked. Was that his mom? What the fuck did I just walk into? I stared, wide eyed at the woman who could had been rather beautiful if her hair wasn't matted and falling in her face, or if her clothes had fit her right and been cleaned.

I was pulled out of my daze when Jasper slammed the passenger door and looked right at me, panicked and out of breath. "Drive. Now. Go!"

"What? But—"

"I said, drive! Come on! Go!" Jasper glanced back at the house as the woman stumbled to her knees and cursed. He closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, and I decided not to argue with him.

I hit the gas and sped off down the street. We were half way to my house when I remembered I needed to get something for dinner tonight. "Shit," I mumbled. Jasper looked at me as I pulled a quick U-turn and headed back down the street to the market.

"Where are we going now?"

"I promised Carlisle I would get something for dinner tonight, and I don't feel like being eye-fucked at the diner again, so we are going to the market to pick up frozen shit."

"Oh… wait, eye-fucked? By whom?" Jasper smirked and turned in his seat toward me.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "One of the waitresses there. She went as far as to write her damn number on my receipt. I left her two dollars in change for a tip."

"Burn! Dude, that's harsh, even for you." Jasper shook his head, but he was still laughing. At least _he_ got it.

"She won't understand the meaning of it. It's not like I spelled out the word 'whore' in the coins or anything. Although, I did think about it…"

"You didn't!"

"I did. Now what the fuck do you want for dinner, since you're staying?"

"I don't care, man. I don't want to be a bother." Jasper turned in his seat to look back out the window.

_What the fuck? Be a bother? Where the fuck is that coming from?_

I stepped on the brakes and looked right at him. "Dude, seriously, what the fuck happened back there?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now. Let's just get the shit at the store and go back to your place and chill for a while." Jasper looked anxious and uncomfortable as he fidgeted in his seat. Something was up.

I slowly eased back on the gas and pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store. As I pulled the keys out of the ignition, I paused and looked at him again. "You aren't a bother, Jasper. No matter what some asshole or bitch says to brainwash you, you aren't a bother at my house. Remember that."

Jasper nodded once before getting out of the car awkwardly. _What the fuck is with me and awkward moments lately? First Swan, and now Hale. _

We wandered through the frozen food section of the store for a while, trying to decide what the hell to get. I grabbed Carlisle some potpies because I knew he liked them and picked up a few frozen lasagnas and frozen cheesy bread. If Carlisle didn't want the potpies, there would be enough of the lasagna for all three of us anyway.

I half expected to find Bella wandering around the sorbet section when we rounded the corner to grab some dessert. _Strawberry. _Maybe that was why she thought I gave her the heart-gram? The candy was strawberry, and I had made the comment to her about strawberry sorbet before. That wouldn't be enough to make her think I sent it though, would it?

I grabbed a carton of ice-cream, made sure Jasper approved, and headed for the soda aisle. Munchies and caffeine would be a must with Jasper around and that little box of his. I grabbed a bottle of Febreze as well, and we headed for the checkout.

We made it home without incident or a word spoken between us. Jasper helped carry the groceries in, and I put them away. We each grabbed a coke and headed upstairs with his bags, box, and coat in hand. We spent the next two hours smoking on my balcony while the rain fell in a mist around us. We talked about movies, quotes, and actors before we headed back inside, spraying ourselves down with some Febreze. Carlisle wouldn't be home for a few more hours, and we both were pretty damn high.

We made our way down to the kitchen to munch on the chips we bought and discussed some of the history of Forks.

"So what's the story about Swan's mom?" I asked after our discussion of the Newtons and the Yorkies had ended.

"Ah, the Swan story. There were apparently rumors that her mom was sleeping with some of the guys down in La Push, the Indian reservation by the shore. Well, on Bella's fifth birthday, her mom had forgotten, in typical Renee fashion, to get the candles for the cake. She went to the market and never came back."

"Wait, you mean she disappeared? Like, she could have been taken by some crazy psycho or some shit?" I asked, rather shocked that such a story could really happen in such a small place.

"No, no… nothing like that. She left a note on the seat of the car, saying she was leaving them both, and to not look for her or some shit. My dad was pretty close with Charlie back then, and I remember my parents arguing about how they should look for Renee. My dad was pretty adamant about not searching, because she didn't want to be found. I don't know the details, but it was a huge deal for a long time. The community all kind of pitched in to help look after Bella while Charlie worked. I remember her staying at my place for a few nights, back when her and Rose were friends."

"Whoa, wait a second. Her mother chose to leave her on her fucking birthday? And Rose and Bella used to be friends? Dude, I need more details, that shit is crazy."

Jasper chuckled and his eyes were bright red and hazy. He took a chip, chewed quickly and nodded. "Yeah, Rose and Bella were really close for one summer back when Rose was like six or seven. I was still five, so I don't remember it much, but they used to play princess in my bedroom all the time, and tried to make me be the prince. I hated that shit. When Rose went to first grade after the summer, they grew apart. Bella was in kindergarten at that point, and I think the age difference sunk in for both of them. That was about the time that she started hanging out with Alice more, and Esme, Alice's mom, watched her after school.

"Later, as she got older, Bella just stayed in the library at school. I used to go in there with my mom and Rose to get our books for class and see her in there, sitting in the corner of the fiction area reading a book probably four levels higher than her age. She's always had her nose stuck in a book, since."

I was shocked. Not only had Bella practically raised herself from the sounds of it, but she also had a fucked up mother and a father who didn't have the time to look after her. The town practically raised her for him, while he looked after the town. She had no one.

_I can relate._

"So did she ever come back? Her mom, I mean." I eyed Jasper curiously, hoping I wasn't being too see-through in my motives to know more about Bella.

"Nope. She never came back and no one ever heard from her, either. None of the guys in La Push left either, so I'm inclined to believe that part was a lie, made up to stir the pot and keep the gossip going."

"So that's why Lauren says shit to Bella about her mom being a whore?"

"Whoa, wait, what? Lauren's still giving her shit? I thought I set that bitch straight," Jasper said quickly. He looked annoyed.

"Yeah, she still gives Swan shit about her mom. That's why I drove her home that day. Lauren shoved her, and she twisted her ankle pretty bad." I munched on some chips casually, trying to play up my innocence in the whole matter, and attempting to not look too interested.

"That fucking bitch. She always has to drag everyone else down with her when shit doesn't go perfect for her at home." Jasper sighed and rested his forehead against his palm as he leaned onto the counter. He seemed to know a lot about this little town, and everyone in it.

"So what's Alice's story then?"

Jasper looked up at me quickly. "Why do you want to know?"

"Chill, dude. We're just discussing the various people in Forks; I figured you would know her story as well." I noticed the jealousy in his tone. He was being protective. He really did like her a lot, even when he was lit out of his mind.

"Alice's father died a few years back in a car accident. Emmett was only ten when it happened, but he quickly took over the father role in the house. Their mom took on a job at the hospital to try to make ends meet, but they barely scraped by. Charlie helped them out a lot, I think. He was always buying extra groceries, and Alice and Bella became inseparable. I don't know much more than that. My only connection to their family is Rose and Emmett dating."

"This town seems to be stricken with tragedy," I mumbled. Jasper nodded and sighed. Apparently I hadn't said it as quietly as I thought.

"So what about you? What has the bad luck of Forks brought you?" I asked.

Jasper was silent for a long time, staring at the bag of half-eaten chips on the counter. His eyes seemed far away, and he didn't have the lazy grin on his lips anymore. I wondered if the question sobered him instantly or if he was just lost in thought.

"My father likes his women cheap and in abundance, and my mother likes her liquor the same way." He sighed heavily and pushed back from the counter. "Want to watch a movie or some shit?"

He didn't want to talk. It didn't take a scientist to get the point. I nodded and grabbed another coke for each of us and headed for the living room.

When Carlisle came home, we threw the frozen food in the oven and watched another movie. Carlisle seemed to be beat and not in the mood for talking. That suited Jasper and I just fine.

"Hey, Carlisle, do you mind if Jasper stays over tonight?" I asked casually as I took the plates from the coffee table.

"It's a school night, Edward. Don't his parents want him home?"

I looked at Jasper, uncertain of what to say.

"Actually, Sir, my mother wasn't feeling well this afternoon, and I figured it would be best if I stayed out of her hair. I didn't want to upset her, or get sick myself with finals coming up soon. She doesn't mind at all." Jasper smiled politely at Carlisle and waited for a response. _This kid can lie pretty fucking well. I'll have to remember that._

"And your father? What does he have to say?" Carlisle asked after a moment of silence.

"He left for another business trip this afternoon. He was called out to an emergency meeting in Seattle tomorrow morning, so he won't mind either."

"As long as they know where you are, I guess I don't have a problem with it. Do you need to get a change of clothes, or your school bag or anything?"

"I have it all up in Edward's room. He came by my place to hang out earlier, and my mother waved me out the door. She suggested I stay the night, actually, so we grabbed my stuff and came here. I hope I'm not imposing, Sir. I can still head home if I'm being a bother."

"Nonsense, Jasper. You aren't a bother at all. I'm just concerned that your parents know where you are. You seem like a good kid, and I believe you though. You're welcome to stay anytime you want, Jasper. Our house is always open to you." Carlisle gripped his shoulder and gave it a squeeze in the way he always does when he is being sincere.

"Thank you, Sir. I appreciate your hospitality. I promise, you won't even notice I'm here."

"Don't worry yourself about it. It's not a big deal. Why don't you boys head upstairs and finish up any homework or study for those upcoming finals you mentioned. I'm going to make a few calls down here before heading to bed early tonight." Carlisle stood from the couch and stretched with a yawn.

"Yes, Sir," Jasper said quickly. He hopped to his feet, and I followed him up the stairs.

I swear to God, Jasper was either the best liar, or a complete psycho with a split personality when around parental figures. I closed my bedroom door behind me and grinned. "Dude, what the fuck? You're like the award winning son when around Carlisle. What's with that?"

"Nothing. I was just raised to respect the man of the house," Jasper said awkwardly.

"Whatever man, that shit was weird. I'm going to go have a smoke, if you want to pick some tunes and come chill with me on the balcony." I pulled the sliding door open and stepped outside. A few moments later, the Tool CD from the night before began to play from where it had left off, and "Schism" flowed from the speakers.

Jasper leaned against the rail, and I could smell the hint of rain as I inhaled my cigarette. After a long moment of silence, Jasper fidgeted with his hands and cleared his throat.

"Why did you start smoking?" he asked randomly through a hushed voice.

"Because it was offered to me, and I didn't know if I liked it or not," I replied with a monotone voice.

"No, I mean weed, and what do you mean you didn't know if you liked it or not. Don't you mean you didn't know if you _would_ like it or not?" Jasper turned his head, glancing at me quickly before furrowing his brows and turning away.

"No, I meant it the way that I said it. Why weed? Same reason, I guess. Maybe I was looking for a way to remember." I took another drag from my cigarette and shrugged.

"You're really fucking confusing dude. Don't people smoke pot to forget, not to remember?"

"Maybe. I never said I was normal."

"I noticed. What were you trying to remember?"

I took another drag and thought about how to answer that question. I never told anyone about my past, or lack thereof. Sure, people in Chicago knew a bit about my family and the murder, but no one ever talked about it in front of me or brought it up.

Ever.

I didn't even get the details of the murder, or what happened to me, really. Everyone thought that if they told me what happened, my mind would make things up to fill in the blanks. That and I honestly didn't want to know. Back then I pretty much figured that I forgot for a reason, and some things are meant to be left alone.

I stared out at the forest and took another drag, avoiding the question. I could feel Jasper's eyes on me and it was making me nervous.

"I gave you a sentence, so you give me a sentence. No more, no less. It's only fair," Jasper said from beside me. His eyes were still fixed on me.

I took the last drag and then flicked the butt to the ground below. I turned, leaned against the railing, crossed my arms over my chest and stared at my bedroom door. "I was trying to remember who I was." I pushed away from the railing, walked back inside and stopped at my dresser. I pulled the prescription bottle out of my drawer and took a pill out, placed it in my pocket, and returned the bottle to my drawer.

"Wait, what do you mean you were trying to remember who you were. How old were you?" Jasper asked from behind me as he closed the sliding door.

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. I turned to face him and noticed his confused expression. "Fifteen."

"So what were you trying to remember about yourself?" Jasper asked quickly as he walked to my sofa and sat on the edge.

"I thought you said one sentence; no more, no less," I replied bitterly.

"Sorry, Dude, you're just answering in riddles."

"Like your answer was any clearer than mine," I replied.

"It was! My mom's a drunk, and my dad sleeps around. How much clearer of an answer could I give?"

That caught me off guard. He was right. He had been rather clear with his reply, he just didn't elaborate. I considered how to respond for a moment and sighed in frustration.

"Fine. I was trying to remember who I was before my parents were killed."

The silence in the room was awkward. Jasper looked down at the ground and fidgeted on the couch uncomfortably. _Well that shut him up. Way to make things awkward, Edward. _

I sighed again and continued to pull at my hair. "I'm sorry. I just don't like to talk about shit from my past. There isn't much to talk about. Listen, I'm going to grab some ice cream. Did you want any?"

"No, I'm cool. Thanks."

"Alright. Make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back." I walked down the stairs and ran into Carlisle on the steps.

"Edward, be sure to take one of the Ambien pills tonight and see how they work out for you. They should only take fifteen minutes to kick in, so be sure you are ready to go to sleep and not going to take a shower or anything," Carlisle said as he passed.

I nodded and told him goodnight. I ate a few scoops of ice-cream straight from the carton before heading back upstairs. Jasper was smoking a joint out on the balcony when I walked in. I locked the bedroom door behind me and joined him. We smoked two joints before heading back inside to get ready to go to sleep. Jasper asked if he could use my shower. I told him where to find the towels, and he grabbed his duffle bag and closed the bathroom door.

I changed into a wife-beater and sleep-pants and collected up my books, putting them into my bag. I reset my clock and double-checked the alarm. Jasper walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later in similar sleep-wear, and I noticed scars all over his upper arms, shoulders, and it looked like they made their way across his torso.

"Dude…" I gasped.

Jasper looked up and frowned at my expression. He looked down at his arms and sighed, gripping his hair. "This isn't up for discussion, so don't even think about pushing."

I ignored his remark and asked anyway. "Are those self-inflicted?"

Jasper scoffed and looked confused for a moment. "No, why would you think…"

"Sorry, man. I didn't mean to… but fuck." Some of the scars were over six inches long and looked rather deep. They were at weird angles and were strangely shaped. There were a few small circular scars that looked like blisters of white skin, but most of those were around his biceps.

"One sentence; no more, no less?" I asked.

Jasper sighed and dug his hands into his pants pockets. He seemed to consider the idea for a moment as his eyes stared holes into the floor. I thought about dropping the subject, telling him he didn't have to say anything, but before I could, he looked up and stared me right in the eye. He looked broken, and far away, and it made me really uncomfortable.

"Sometimes, the only way to tell that someone loves you is if they hurt you."

_"The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,  
And the circling is worth it. Finding beauty in the dissonance.  
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion."_  
~Tool 'Schism'


	10. Ch10: Out Of Control

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and SecretlySeverus]_**  
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**A/N: **Special thanks to OCDMess, my lovely ficwife for letting me rant about hating this chapter and trying to figure out how to get to where I needed it to go.

The song referenced in this chapter is by She Wants Revenge - "Out Of Control" Check them out, they are really unique.

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*** Warning. Mild Language, awkward moments, and mention of illegal drug use.***

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_"With her high heel against the wall,  
Kind of dancing, though not at all.  
She had stockings running up to her thighs,  
Snaps her fingers to keep the time."_  
~She Wants Revenge "Out Of Control"

**"Out Of Control"  
Chapter Ten  
BPOV**

I woke before Alice, as usual, and headed to the kitchen to fix some breakfast. Esme was already at work, and Emmett was snoring rather loudly down the hallway in his room. I fixed a bowl of the healthiest cereal I could find and swore to myself I'd eat healthy the rest of the week. I rinsed my bowl, set it in the strainer and headed back to Alice's room. When I walked in, it looked like a tornado had hit within the ten minutes that I was gone.

"Jesus, Alice. What the hell are you looking for?"

She jumped, squeaking loudly as she turned around. "God, you scared me. I'm looking for my pair of Mary Jane's; I can't find them anywhere."

"Which ones? You have, like, three pairs." I squatted beside the bed and started to help her look.

"The four-inch heel, bumblebee ones. The cute ones with yellow stripes!" Alice was throwing clothes out the door of her closet as she searched like a mad woman.

"Calm down, Jesus. What's so important about these shoes at –" I glanced at the clock and was confused. "Hey, Ali, why is the clock blinking?"

"What?" Alice popped her head out of the closet and looked at the clock. "Huh. Maybe the power went out. There was a major storm last night; I kept waking up." She shrugged her shoulders and dove back in to the closet, throwing more clothes out the door.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. Half past ten. _Jesus, we slept in late. _I sat on the edge of the bed and reset her clock for her and then set her alarm. Alice was the only person I knew, besides Charlie, who could get up at five in the morning and not be fazed by it. I watched as odd pairs of shoes came hurdling out of the doorway and chuckled lightly. "Alice, seriously, what's up with the sudden, desperate search for these shoes?"

"You're going to borrow them for school tomorrow!" she hollered from the closet. "Ah-ha!" She hopped over a pile of clothes on the floor and stood a few feet in front of me. "Found them!"

"And why am I borrowing them for school tomorrow? Alice, those are hideous! Yellow stripes, seriously? I don't even own anything yellow."

Alice frowned and put the shoes on her hips as if they were her hands. "Bella, you have the Batgirl t-shirt I got you for Christmas. It has the yellow logo; the same exact shade as these shoes." She pushed the Mary Jane's at me and smiled brightly. "You'll thank me someday."

"Do I even want to know why you are picking out my wardrobe for a boring mid-February Monday at Forks High?" I took the shoes with a grimace and set them on the bed beside me.

"Because I dreamed you were Batgirl last night, and I woke up with the vision of you in black and yellow. You looked to die for! So, you're going to wear the shoes and the shirt tomorrow, along with some torn up skinny jeans and your denim jacket. Trust me, the look will be great. Have I ever let you down?"

I quirked my eyebrow at her, remembering the time in ninth grade when she had me wear spandex pants with an off the shoulder shirt, saying that the look was coming back from the eighties. She was still in eighth grade and didn't have to see the looks I got from the upperclassman.

"Don't answer that; just trust me this time. You make a killer Batgirl, seriously." She folded her arms, daring me to argue with her.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Fine. So did you want to dye our hair this morning?"

"Yep! I'll do you first since you have so much more hair. Come on!" Alice tugged on my arm, leaving the heaps of clothes all over the floor and grabbing the bag of hair dye on her way out.

She started at the tips of my hair and worked her way up. I had to sit on the edge of the bathtub so she could reach the top of my head. When she was done, she put a plastic hair bag over my head and started dying her own. Her hair was short enough to start at her roots and just work the dye through her hair quickly. She snapped the bag over her hair and disposed of the boxes and bottles. The entire room smelled like ammonia, and I was already rather light-headed. We wandered into the hallway and took a deep breath of fresh air and began giggling.

Emmett staggered out of his bedroom and headed for the bathroom, completely ignoring Alice and me. The moment he walked into the bathroom, we giggled harder.

"What the _fuck _is that smell? Jesus Christ, are you guys getting high in here or some shit?" Emmett boomed. Alice was doubled over, gripping her stomach as I gasped for air. Emmett just groaned and scratched his head lazily. "You two are fucking nutcases, I swear to God."

"It's hair dye, Em," I managed to say between snorts and gasps.

Emmett rolled his eyes and groaned again as he scratched his bare chest. He staggered toward Esme's room to use her bathroom as he grumbled under his breath. Once Alice managed to stop giggling so hard, her face was bright red with a permanent smile spread across her lips. _Yeah, maybe a little loopy._

"Next time, ventilated area. That stuff is strong," I said with a grin. Alice nodded enthusiastically as we wandered into the kitchen. She set the timer on the stove for thirty minutes and fixed herself a bowl of cereal. Emmett eventually sauntered into the kitchen for breakfast at half past eleven.

I always thought of Emmett like a brother, but that didn't mean I could ignore his amazingly chiseled chest. He always walked around in thin sleep pants and no shirt in the morning, and I never got used to it. My face turned slightly red, and I got up to fix a glass of orange juice; hoping he wouldn't notice. The timer went off just as I was finishing my glass, and Alice shooed me into the bathroom first.

My hands were stained red for the first few minutes until I worked the shampoo through my hair. The green tea and cucumber smelled fabulous, and I was pleased that we went with it instead of the lavender. As I towel dried my hair, I kept sniffing it; it smelled amazing.

After I finished getting dressed, Alice pounded on the door, and I opened it quickly, sliding to the side so that she could enter. I slipped out the door and headed into the living room, still drying my hair between my hands with the towel. I sat on the edge of the couch and glanced at the TV. Emmett was watching Sunday morning cartoons and I chuckled.

"Are you ever going to grow up?" I asked in a teasing manner.

"Nope. Where's the fun in that?"

"Rose is going to leave your ass when she gets tired of putting up with a four-year-old."

"That's not what she said last night," he said with a grin.

I groaned and shook my head. "Cute. How is she doing anyway?" I asked, changing the topic from their sex life.

"She's good. We're still trying to decide on a college. We both got accepted to ASU and some other one in Colorado that I don't remember the name of. I know she wants to find a good science department, so we're still thinking about it. She's worried about leaving Jasper so far behind though."

"Why? She didn't seem so concerned with _his_ life at Alice's party." My tone came out a bit more bitter than I intended, but I was being honest.

"She is. She just doesn't know how to deal with him. They aren't even a year apart, but she feels like she has to look after him. He has a lot of issues, Bells. She's worried he will drop out when she leaves."

"Well, that's Jasper's prerogative, not hers. She needs to live her life, and let him live his own for once. She was really bitchy to him that night, Em."

"I know, Bells, but don't be so hard on her. There is a bunch of bad blood in that family that neither of us know anything about, alright? Let's just agree to cut them both some slack." Emmett glanced at me, waiting for me to agree. I nodded reluctantly and placed the damp towel on my lap. "I like the color, by the way. What made you decide to dye it a dark red?"

My cheeks flushed a subtle pink, and I looked back at the TV, trying to be calm. "Nothing really, just got tired of the dull brown. Ali and I decided it was time for a makeover. New year and all."

"Bells, the new year started a month and a half ago. Either that's a late start on a resolution, or there's a guy involved. Spill it." Emmett smirked and I knew his eyes would be shinning with enthusiasm if I had been looking at him. He had an innocent look and a glimmer in his eye when he got excited or playful.

"Just drop it, Em." I turned to face him, my expression desperate and pleading. "Please?"

He laughed his classic laugh and shook his head. "I'll figure it out. You know I will." He reached over and fussed with my hair, rubbing the top of my head quickly and chuckled. I glared at him playfully and crossed my arms over my chest. He smiled brightly and leaned back on the couch and continued watching his cartoons.

I heard the bathroom door click, and Alice came around the corner. Her hair was already blown dry and styled. The shine of the blue black made her eyes glow brightly and evened her skin tone out beautifully.

"It's amazing, Ali! Great choice!" I said enthusiastically. She twirled once and beamed at me.

"Thanks, Bella! Your turn!"

I turned to look at Emmett. He gave me a look that said "good luck" and I laughed.

Alice took her time straightening my hair into perfection, and then spraying it down with an anti-frizz product that smelled like kiwi. If I was lucky, most of the work would hold for the day, and it wouldn't take me so long to straighten it in the morning before school. I had to admit, the darker red really made my eyes stand out more, even without the mascara and beige eye shadow Alice put on me. Inside, my hair still looked a deep brown color, but in the sunlight, the red really showed.

I fixed lunch for the three of us before heading back home to get some chores finished. Emmett kept pausing mid-bite as if he were deep in thought. He would then grin and shake his head before taking a bite. I could only guess that he was trying to figure out who I liked. Alice was rather quiet throughout lunch, and I wondered what had caught her attention and brought her back down into a slight depression.

I decided to not pry and left for home around three in the afternoon. Charlie was still fishing, as I knew he would be, and I put a pot roast together to simmer for the rest of the day. I brought all of my school books downstairs, spread them out across the coffee table and got to work. English was easy, so I started with it before reluctantly moving on to U.S. Government.

When Charlie got home, the sun had just gone down, and the pot roast had filled the house with the scent of potatoes and beef stock. He put the fish in the freezer out back before trudging inside the house to take off his boots. I cleared a spot on the sofa and pilled my books at one end of the coffee table. I was digging in the cracks of the sofa for the controller when Charlie walked in.

"Hey, Dad. What's the body count?"

"Twelve, but one was twice the size of the rest. I swear those fish keep getting bigger every year. What's that delicious smell?"

"Pot roast. I was just waiting for you to get home, so I hope you're hungry." I found the controller and set it on the coffee table before heading into the kitchen.

"You bet I am. I'll just be a minute and I'll join you." Charlie headed upstairs to clean up, and I set the table. He hadn't noticed my hair, and I was curious how he would react. I poured us both a glass of water and dished up our servings, setting them carefully on the table and taking my seat.

"So how was your day, Bells?" Charlie asked as he scraped the chair along the linoleum and took his seat across from me.

"Good. Ali and I hung out, girl talk, picked on Emmett. The usual, you know."

"That boy is a good kid."

"He's eighteen, Dad. Not much of a kid anymore. Besides, he's taller than you." I smiled down at my bowl as I took a sip of the pot roast juice.

"I guess. Still a kid at heart though. He and Rose going away to college together?"

"Yep, they haven't decided where yet though."

"Good, good. I saw the table was littered with school books. You studying hard? Finals are coming up soon, aren't they?"

"Yeah, Dad. I've been keeping up; trig just kicks my butt so it takes extra work for me."

"I was never the best at that stuff either." At that moment, Charlie looked up to smile at me and his mouth dropped open. "You… dyed your hair?"

My eyes darted around the table, over my bowl, down at my lap and across the dining room before I met my father's gaze. "Uh, yeah. Ali and I both did. She went blue-black, while I chose something a little closer to natural."

There was a long silence and the air felt charged with awkwardness. Charlie and I were never awkward. "Do you not like it?" I asked quietly.

"No, I… I mean, yes. I like it. Sorry, just wasn't expecting you to dye your hair on a random Sunday with Alice." Charlie managed a half smile that looked more like concern on his face, but I smiled back, trying to alleviate the weirdness.

"We decided a change was in order for the New Year, we just finally got around to doing something."

"I see, well… I like it. The color looks good on you." Charlie finally managed a real smile and nodded before scooping up another spoonful of pot roast.

Charlie didn't say anything else all night about it, and I couldn't help but wonder if he really liked it or not.

_Dads have to like their daughter's looks, right? But Emmett said he liked it, and he's a guy my age. But he's also my best friend's brother, who's more a brother than a guy._

I sighed as I headed into the living room while Charlie cleared the dining table. I knew that Alice and I would get lots of looks at school, and I was just starting to realize that I wouldn't know if they were positive looks or negative ones.

I started to panic as I took my books upstairs, my mind going a hundred miles a minute. I dropped my books in the rocking chair and threw myself onto my bed. I screamed into the comforter and took a deep breath. _How could I let Alice talk me into something so crazy? Wait, it was my idea to begin with. _I screamed again and kicked my feet against the bed, flailing as I gripped the blanket in my fists.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!"

I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. Alice had sent her shoes home with me to wear tomorrow, and threatened painful things if I didn't wear the outfit. She was pesky, and meddling, but she usually had good taste. _Except for when I was in ninth grade. _

She didn't tell me what I did in the dream though. I made a mental note to ask her tomorrow during lunch. I pushed the lingering thoughts of self-doubt away as I got to my feet and picked out my clothes for tomorrow; something I rarely ever did ahead of time. I hooked my iPod up to the multipurpose dock on my desk and slipped into my plaid shorts for bed. It took over an hour, but eventually I fell asleep.

I lunged forward in bed as one of my favorite She Wants Revenge songs started playing on my iPod. I glanced at the time and sighed; time to get ready for school. I slipped on the Batgirl t-shirt and a pair of jeans and worked on re-straightening my hair for twenty minutes as more She Wants Revenge played. I brushed my teeth, put on mascara and lip gloss, slipped on Alice's bumble-bee Mary Jane's and grabbed my jacket and iPod. I made it to school a few minutes earlier than usual, so I sat in my truck and searched for the song that played this morning. I clicked play, grabbed my bag, and climbed out of my truck.

I figured everyone was going to whisper behind my back, and I really didn't want to hear it. I swayed to the music as I made my way to my locker to wait for Alice. I leaned against the metal cubbies with one leg bent, foot tapping against the brick wall as I hummed to the music. I felt extremely flushed randomly and looked up. Across the open campus was Edward and Jasper in front of the Trigonometry classroom, not saying a word to each other. Instead of looking away quickly and blushing, I forced myself to stare back. _Don't be embarrassed; forget what happened on Valentine's._

After thirty seconds of extreme eye connection, Alice walked right into my line of sight and jumped up and down with excitement, completely oblivious to what had just transpired. She took one step back and took in the entire outfit. She was grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"See! I told you it would look great!" She grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the lockers. As we walked to my first period class, she continued to ramble about God knows what. I couldn't focus to save my life. Thoughts of Edward Cullen were still swimming around in my head and I was filled with butterflies, anxiety and self-doubt.

I said my goodbye to Alice and walked into English with my head down. I slid into my seat and heaved my books out of my bag. I struggled to keep my mind on class until the bell rang. I ignored Lauren entirely, shoving my earphones in place and walking out the door. I kept my head down throughout the rest of my morning classes, keeping to myself and trying to not let my mind wander too far toward the idea of Edward Cullen. I had my earphones blasting music between every class.

When the bell for lunch rang, I collected my things quickly and made my way to the cafeteria. Alice joined me in line a few minutes later, and I remembered to ask her about the dream.

"So, what was I doing as Batgirl?"

"Oh, uhm… you know, turning into a bat, saving the world, turning back into a human… that kind of thing." Her tone was somber, and I knew immediately that something was wrong.

"Ali, Batgirl didn't really turn into a bat, vampires turn into bats." I smiled down at her, trying to cheer her up, but she just shrugged.

"Yeah, whatever. Same thing."

"Alright, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she said quietly, shaking her head.

I picked out my lunch, paid, and walked to our table. Alice slid onto the bench across from me and began poking at her food. I grabbed the spork out of her hand and held it up in front of her face, trying to appear threatening. "Spill. Now. Or the spork gets it." I grabbed the other end of the spork and began to bend it, threatening to snap it in half.

Alice rolled her eyes and grabbed the spork out of my hand. "Emmett is being a jerk, Edward's being confusing, and I hate Geometry. Happy now?" She continued to shuffle her food back and forth on her plate and sighed.

Wait. Edward talked to her? Why? _No, ask about Emmett first, don't seem too enthusiastic to discuss Cullen. _"What did Emmett do this time?"

"He told me to stay away from Edward and Jasper. He said that if he caught me around them, he would tell Mom about all of my boyfriends."

"Wait, what? Why? I'm lost."

Alice sighed and put her spork down. "Edward came up to me between first and second period. He wanted… well, I don't really know what he wanted. He started apologizing for interrupting our dinner Saturday, and then rambled something about being awkward around you. Then he got really confusing and mumbled something about how at least he could talk to girls, unlike Jasper. After that, he looked around a little suspiciously and stepped closer and said he wasn't supposed to say that, and that I couldn't say anything about Jasper liking someone or else he'd get shit from Jasper. Then he just left. It was really creepy, Bella. Why do you like him, again?"

I shushed her and looked around to make sure no one had overheard her. "I'm still lost," I whispered.

"That makes two of us then," Alice said through a sigh. "Apparently Jasper likes someone, at least, that's the conclusion I came to. It seemed like Edward was on something, seriously. His eyes were really red and he had dark circles around his eyes. He looked like hell. I think he just meant to apologize, and ask how you were, but his brain-to-mouth filter was lacking good judgment."

I lingered on the image of a horrible looking Edward for a moment before looking around the cafeteria casually to find him. He was sitting with his back to me at the corner-table with Jasper. There seemed to be a strange distance or awkwardness between the two of them as they sat, not talking to one another. Jasper glanced in my direction and sighed, looking away quickly. He scowled in Emmett's direction and I grew even more confused.

_What the hell happened? _"So, tell me how Emmett came to be involved in all of this drama?" I asked as I stared at Emmett's table of jocks.

"Apparently, he saw Edward talking to me and got the impression that we were dating or something. He told me that Jasper and Edward were bad news, and that I had to stay away from them, and that they were too old for me or some stupid bullshit. I told him to mind his own business, learn to get his facts straight before causing shit, and to fuck off."

My jaw dropped and I whipped my head around to look at Alice. "Are you serious?" Alice never argued with Emmett. They got irritated with each other on occasion, but they never got angry.

"Damn straight I'm serious. Fucker pissed me off, and who the hell does he think he is telling me who I can date. Give it four months and he won't have a clue or a right to butt into my life. I can't wait for summer."

"You don't mean that, Ali. You know you'll miss the oaf, even if he is being a major dick right now." I glared at Emmett and shook my head. I decided to confront him and set him straight later; perhaps after gym I would leave early to catch him before he left. I formulated my plan and let Alice sit in her brooding silence.

It wasn't until the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch, that I realized I had Biology with Edward next. My previous anxiety and butterflies kicked in, only the butterflies felt like they were made of lead, and the anxiety had my palms sweating within seconds. I collected up my books, gave Alice a quick hug and rushed off to my locker to switch books. I stowed my Trigonometry and U.S. Government books and took out my Advanced Biology book and reference binder and slammed the metal door closed. I skidded into fifth period just before the bell rang and took my seat.

I tried to not pay attention to Edward sitting so close beside me and rehearsed what I was going to say to Emmett. He had no right to tell Alice who she couldn't see or to jump to such extreme conclusions. I knew he was only trying to protect his little sister, but he had to get over it and let her live her own life. He also had some pre-conceived notions as to what kind of people Jasper and Edward were, and that was just rude.

The entire forty-five minutes of class went by, and I didn't look at Edward once. When the bell rang, he was out of his seat and through the door before it even finished. My stomach sank and my chest ached as I watched his fleeing form ghost through the archway. I still felt like a complete idiot for opening my mouth at the diner.

As I dragged my feet to gym, I spotted Jasper and Edward talking by U.S. Government. Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, and Jasper rolled his eyes. I walked around the corner of the building toward the women's locker room and tried to put it out of my mind. I didn't even want to think about what they were saying, and if it was about me. Edward had made his feelings, or rather, lack of feelings, very clear.

_Just get over him, Bella. He doesn't want you, so stop thinking about him. Even an amazing outfit can't get you into his good graces. _

I changed, ran the three required laps, dodged some volleyballs and snuck out of class twenty minutes early. I changed back into my Batgirl t-shirt and skinny jeans, shoved my denim jacket into my bag and headed out of the locker room.

I decided to wait by Emmett's car, hoping to catch him before he left. I made my way to the parking lot and searched for his Jeep. He was parked two spaces away from Jasper and Edward and my heart sank again. _He doesn't want you. Chin up. Forget about him. _

I walked to the Jeep and leaned against the front grill. I shuffled through songs on my iPod as I waited but couldn't find anything I particularly felt like listening to. After a few minutes, I heard laughing. I pushed off of the car and looked around curiously. _Had school gotten out early? _I heard someone who sounded like they were coughing while they laughed a few seconds later and turned around.

A puff of smoke followed by a familiar blond head of hair emerged from Jasper's car. I stood there, my feet glued to the asphalt with my jaw practically on the ground. An odd scent wafted out of the car at the same time I saw Edward crawl out of the passenger side, still laughing. As Jasper turned, our eyes locked and he stood frozen in shock.

"Uhh… hi," he said slowly, his lips turning up into a smirk. He burst out laughing and bent over, clutching his ribs.

My eyes darted toward Edward who was now staring directly at me. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and looked away. "Shit," he mumbled, barely audible.

"So Emmett was probably right about you two," I said bitterly.

"Emmett? What did he have to say about us?" Edward asked. Jasper slowly stood back up, taking deep breaths.

"He told Alice to stay away from you two, and I think I understand why now. You guys are lit out of your minds, aren't you? Is that why you rambled off incoherent shit to Alice this morning?" I asked, taking a few steps closer to Jasper's car.

"Whoa, wait a second, you talked to Alice this morning? What are you, crazy?" Jasper said to Edward; all the humor leaving his voice.

"I just wanted to apologize if I messed up your dinner the other night, and tell her I was sorry for making things awkward," Edward said, speaking directly to me.

"Dude, why this morning though? After what happened from the—"

"Shut the fuck up, Jasper. Not here, dude," Edward said, cutting him off.

"What about this morning? Were you too stoned to know what the hell you said then too? Do you even remember the shit you said to her?" I was standing at the front of Jasper's car and glaring at Edward. _He's a fucking druggie, and I never realized it._

"Dude, if you did anything to upset Alice, I'll kick your ass," Jasper said. Edward glanced at him and scoffed.

"I didn't touch or insult Alice; relax, lover boy." Edward looked back at me and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked back up slowly and hesitated. "Look, I'm sorry that I said anything to Alice at all if it makes you feel any better. I had a shitty night, and a worse morning, and I wasn't in my right mind."

"Obviously you aren't in your right mind now either. Are you _ever_ in your right mind?"

"Now is different. I wasn't… I hadn't. Jesus, this is so fucked up. Listen," he said, taking a step around the passenger door toward me, "I just wanted to apologize. That's all. No more, no less. I'm sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you, or make you feel awkward or stupid or anything."

"Stupid? Of course I felt stupid. Here I was, just wanting to get to know you because we had similar taste in movies and you seemed to give a shit, and then you turn around and tell me you don't want anything to do with me. Then I find out you're a fucking stoner? Yeah, I feel pretty stupid. Emmett was right, you two are trouble." I hung my head and sighed. "I'm such a loser," I whispered.

I turned to face Jasper and shook my head. "She likes you, you know – a lot – but she thinks you don't even notice her, or if you do it's because you're just like everyone else and think she's a slut. Emmett thought Edward was making a move on his little sister, and he warned her to keep away from you both. She's pissed, and she's never this angry with Emmett. Now I don't know if I should tell her you're both druggie losers and she's wasting her time and have her hate me, or let her find out for herself and get her heart broken."

"She does? She likes me?" Jasper said quickly, eyes wide.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. The bell rang and I looked back at the school. The parking lot reeked of weed, and I didn't want anyone connecting me with it. I turned to head to my car a few spaces over, but Edward called out to me.

"Bella, please. Can we talk about this? Seriously, this isn't what you're thinking."

I turned back around and glared at him. _He wants to talk now? After telling me he can't and shouldn't be my friend?_ "You know, Edward, I don't think I want to hear it. In fact, I _shouldn't_ have even bothered with you in the first place, and I _won't_ try now." I turned and walked quickly to my truck. I flung the door open, hopped in, started the engine and sped out of the parking lot.

For once, I didn't even flinch at the sound of the engine.


	11. Ch11: My Cave: Hysteria

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and moonlightdreamer333]_**  
**

**A/N:** Thanks to my ficwife, OCDMess. You are my grey cloud, sweets.

Alright, for those who have seen and remember the movie _Chasing Amy_, this opening scene should be read like a conversation between Banky and Holden. Quick, choppy, snide, and snarky.

Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Muse - Cave, Muse - Hysteria. The lyrics highlighted are specifically important... think of it as foreshadowing... or the inner musings of Edward's mind, if you will.

* * *

*** Warning. STRONG language. (55 fucks, 41 shits. I counted.) This chapter contains illegal drug use, symptoms of PTSD and mentions retrograde amnesia. ***

* * *

_"Please close your ears and try to look away,  
So you never hear a single word I say.  
And don't ever come my way.  
Leave me alone, it's nothing serious.  
I'll do it myself, it's got nothing to do with you.  
And there's still nothing that you could do."_  
~Muse, "Cave"

**My Cave: Hysteria.  
Chapter Eleven  
EPOV**

"FUCK!"

I lunged forward in bed, gripping my hair tightly and sweating profusely.

"Whoa, what the fuck? What?" Jasper yelled as he rolled off the couch, crashing to the floor

I continued panting and ignored Jasper. I had completely forgotten he had stayed the night, but there wasn't much I could do now. I slid out of bed, stalked into the bathroom, and slammed the door behind me. I peeled my clothes off and stood under the cold water, trying to wake up.

The fucking dream had continued, but this time there was no sound. I didn't think that the lack of noise could make anything creepier than it already was, but I was wrong. On top of there being no sound, there was a whole new scene after the white light. After the shadow under the door and the taste of salt on my lips, everything went white and I felt cold tile against my bare back. I flailed my arms and legs around, but my entire torso couldn't move; it was like dead weight. I woke up gasping for air as the back of my throat burned and my head spun.

I shook the memories from my head and finished in the shower. I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked back into my bedroom. I jumped when I saw Jasper standing three feet in front of me, like he had been standing at the door the whole time.

"What the fuck, Man?"

"I was going to say the same thing," Jasper replied.

I sighed and walked around him to my dresser. I pulled out my cigarettes, socks, and boxers and sat on the edge of my bed. I began pulling my socks on when Jasper spoke again.

"No seriously, what the fuck? You practically screamed out 'Fuck' and gasped for air after tossing and turning all night. And don't give me some bullshit about it being nothing, or one question one answer. You're freaking me out."

"Did I say anything else?" I asked quickly.

"What? Why?"

"Because it's fucking important. Did I say anything else?"

"Maybe. Are you going to tell me what the fuck that was all about if I tell you?"

"Dammit, Jasper, fucking tell me!"

"Chill, dude. Holy Shit. You're tripping out. What did you take last night?"

"Why are you avoiding the question?"

"What question?"

I sighed, rubbed my eyes, and growled. _Today is not starting out well. _"I took Ambien. It's a sleep aid because I'm having trouble sleeping. It's legal, it's prescribed to me, and Carlisle knows. Now what the fuck did I say?"

"You didn't really say anything…"

"Jesus, Jasper! Don't fuck with me!" I got off of the bed, pulled my boxers on under the towel and stalked into the closet, grabbing the first shirt and pair of pants I touched. I changed quickly, tossing the towel into the hamper and walked back into my bedroom. My hair was still dripping all over the floor and down my face but I was shaking with nerves and didn't give a shit. I grabbed my pack of smokes, threw the balcony door open and lit up.

"Dude, are you okay? Should I get your uncle or something?" Jasper said from behind me.

I shook my head, offered him a smoke and tossed him the lighter. "No, Carlisle's at work anyway. I wasn't expecting the dream… it was different; worse. I'm sorry for flipping out – I just really needed to know if I said anything." I turned and looked at him, studying his expression. He looked slightly concerned but more confused than anything. "It's important."

Jasper nodded and took a drag from his cigarette. "I don't really smoke these, but fuck… do you always wake up like that?"

I shrugged.

"Dude, what happened?"

I shrugged again.

"Come on, you have to tell me something here. People don't just have dreams like that and mumble shit all night and wake up gasping for air, screaming obscenities."

"I mumbled something?"

"I don't know. Maybe. It sounded something like care… air, hair? I couldn't tell. You just kept saying it over and over," Jasper said, stuttering the different possible words.

I sighed and nodded. "Thanks. That makes sense, I guess."

"How? I'm missing something, obviously."

"Not much more than I am…"

"You're a fucking riddle, you know that, right?"

"Why is a raven like a writing-desk?"

"What?" Jasper looked utterly confused.

I burst out laughing and flicked my cigarette off the balcony and walked back inside. "We're all mad here. Off with her head. Didn't you ever read Lewis Carroll?"

"What, you mean Alice in Wonderland?"

"Yes, Alice in Wonderland, genius."

"Whatever, Dude. You're fucking weird and if I don't get answers soon, I'll have to start making assumptions. I should warn you, I can be a pretty creative mother fucker when I have to make shit up in a hurry."

I sighed and leaned against the back of my couch. "Alright. Three questions, three answers."

"That's not fair!" Jasper whined.

"How so? I don't have to give you any answers. Now choose wisely, and I can veto."

Jasper scowled at me as he rubbed the back of his neck. He was still in a wife beater but had changed into jeans while I was in the shower. He looked away as he thought about his questions and I took a moment to look over his scars again. A few of them looked like cigarette burns. _Is that why he doesn't smoke cigarettes often? _One scar looked particularly gnarly. It was across his right bicep and seemed to wrap around it. I wondered if it continued on his back. I looked back up and Jasper was staring at me.

"Sorry… I…" I mumbled, but didn't finish trying to come up with an excuse. I looked away and waited for the inquisition.

"What happens in the dreams?"

_Of course he would ask that_.

"I'm in a room, I think it's my room back in Chicago. Middle of the night. I get out of bed. There is a shadow under the door. I usually hear footsteps, and the door opens and I'm blinded by white light. I taste salt, and my back is cold. I can't move or scream or… breathe."

It clicked in my head. _When I'm flailing around it's because I can't breathe. It's why I wake up gasping for air_. I heard Jasper say something, but I completely missed it. "What?"

"I said, you mean like white light from death, or white light like headlights?"

"Is that a question?" I asked, quirking a brow.

"That's not fair man; I'm just trying to help you out here."

I rolled my eyes and shrugged. "White light… like all encompassing, no definitions of outlines."

"So like 'beam me up, Scottie', 'walking through the gate of heaven' white light then?"

I thought about it for a second, uncertain if that's the kind of white light or not. "I honestly don't know. It's just white light."

"Alright. What did you mean when you said you didn't know who you were before your parent's were killed?" Jasper asked slowly.

"You get an answer to that if you tell me how you got those scars," I replied.

"That's not fair. My past has some fucked up stuff, and I haven't told anyone about most of it. Not even Rose knows about the scars."

"What makes you think my past isn't as big of a deal? No one knows about the shit that happened to me, and I mean that literally," I said, mumbling the last part of the sentence.

"Fine. Veto then, but it doesn't count as a question since I didn't get an answer."

I glared at him and considered telling him to bite me, but decided against it. "Fine. Next."

"How did your parents die?"

I cringed at the question and thought about how to answer. I was told how they died, but no one knows how I came to be unconscious, half dead, and apparently blue. The staff only agreed to tell me because I had to make decisions about the house, and they knew it would be all over the news anyway. "I'm told that they were shot in our apartment and then stabbed numerously."

"You don't know for certain though? Where were you?"

"I don't know. Is that your questions?"

"Every answer gives me ten more questions." Jasper ran his hand through his hair and huffed.

"Welcome to my life."

"Alright, alright. Last question. Is your 'style' Bella Swan?"

I stared at Jasper for a full thirty seconds before looking away and cursing under my breath. The asshole remembered the conversation from the last time he was over, and decided to drag it back up again. "Yes."

"Finally, a fucking answer I understand," Jasper said, throwing his hands up and looking at the ceiling.

"Yeah, well that's all you get. Hope they were inspirational or something." I opened my bedroom door and made my way downstairs. Jasper followed behind me without saying a word. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and left it open so he knew that he was welcome to take one as well. I took out the gallon of milk and grabbed the cereal off of the counter. I poured myself a bowl and grabbed a spoon, setting a second one on the counter as Jasper poured himself a bowl.

"Hey, Man, since we're up rather early this morning, do you think you would mind driving me back by my place so I can grab my car? My mom should still be passed out," Jasper said as he took a seat on the bar stool.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." I shoved a spoonful of cereal into my mouth and tasted the sugary goodness on my tongue. The crunchy texture scraped against the roof of my mouth and I winced slightly. I swallowed and tongued the sore, annoyed. _ Can this day just end right now? _

We finished our cereal in silence and pushed away from the bar, the bar-stool legs screeching against the floor. I tossed my bowl in the sink, not bothering to rinse it, and headed back upstairs for my bag. I glanced in the mirror and groaned. There were two dark-purple circles around my eyes, and the whites around my irises were bloodshot. _Wonderful. _

I grabbed my bag and car keys, glancing over my music collection as Jasper got his stuff together. I grabbed Muse albums one and three and headed out the door with Jasper behind me. I clicked the automatic lock on my key-chain and the car beeped once. Jasper opened the back passenger door and tossed his things on the back seat as I popped two CDs out of my five disc changer and exchanged them for the Muse albums. I threw my bag over the seat as I waited for the CD player to load. Once it stopped spinning and Jasper had slipped into the passenger seat, I clicked ahead until it reached song five and smiled as the guitar riffs filled the car. The entire interior rumbled from the bass and I drummed along to the beat with my fingertips on the steering wheel. I threw the car in reverse and pulled away from the house quickly, letting the music flood me with energy.

Jasper glanced at me nervously and I just grinned, gunning it pass the stop sign and speeding toward his house. In no time I pulled into his neighborhood and slowed the car down to a crawl, not wanting to wake up his mom. Jasper hopped out and made his way to his car. He popped the trunk, slipped his stash into the back under some other junk and gave me a thumbs-up. I made a U-turn and waited at the stop sign for him. He pushed the car out of the driveway and hopped into the driver seat. I shook my head and laughed. _What an idiot. Seriously, like his mom could catch him if she bolted out the house right this second._

He started the car, made a sharp U-turn and slammed on the gas. I looked back at his house and sure enough, his mother was hurdling out the front door, shaking her fist in the same sloppy clothes from the day before. I sat with my mouth hanging open as she screamed obscenities from the front lawn. She reached the sidewalk before I managed to pull myself together and turn back around. Jasper was already half way down the next street and I slammed on the gas, tires squealing and sped off after him. I smirked as I passed him easily and he flipped me off. I laughed and turned _Cave_ up louder.

As we pulled into the school parking lot, the few early arriving students head's turned. I swerved into my typical spot and cut the engine in one swift movement. I clicked the engine over to just the stereo and put the windows down as Jasper pulled into the spot next to me. I grinned at him as he laughed and shook his head. He stepped out of his car and leaned against the driver's door. I turned off the car just as the song ended and got out. I grabbed my bag, clicked the lock and smiled as the car chirped twice.

"Dude, you may think you're hot shit, but you still look like hell."

I flipped Jasper off and walked toward the school. He jogged to catch up with me and laughed as he threw his bag over his shoulder. We stopped by his locker so he could drop off his fifth and sixth period books and slowly made our way to trigonometry. Math at this hour was blasphemous, especially after the night and morning I had. We loitered outside the classroom for a few minutes, still a bit early to be sitting at the school desks and bullshitted about nothing in particular. Jasper was mid laugh at a comment I made about Carlisle when his jaw dropped and he pushed away from the brick wall.

I followed his gaze across the school courtyard and felt every ounce of blood rush to my groin. _Jesus, and the Anti-Christ. _People passed us by and turned to look at what we were staring at. I adjusted my pants, not giving a shit if people noticed and swallowed.

_Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…_

Bella Swan was leaning against her locker in a tight, black shirt, tight pants, high platform shoes, and a batgirl emblem across her tits. _You can be my superhero any day. _For a long moment, I just watched Bella as she bobbed her head and tapped her foot against the brick wall. Her eyes were closed and she looked completely comfortable for once. I'd never seen her so at ease and confident in my few weeks of knowing her. At that exact moment, I knew I wanted her. I realized how much of a complete _ass _I had been to her in the previous encounters, and I knew I had to make it up to her. _But how? _

Easy.

Women are persuaded by their friends, right? You get the best friend wrapped around your finger – you get the girl wrapped around your dick. Bella opened her eyes and looked directly at me. We were over fifty feet away, but I could feel her gaze holding mine intensely. I swallowed, held my breath and waited for her to look away. _Look away. Look away, Bella. Dammit Swan, look away! _

Saved by the Alice. _Wait a second. Is her hair black? _I glanced at Jasper and he had a similar expression I must have been sporting a few seconds ago: lust. I looked back at the two girls and squinted. Bella looked different. I watched them talk and shifted my weight to my other foot, digging my hands into my pockets. Alice clapped excitedly about something before they walked out from the overhang of the building. The moment Bella stepped into the light, I knew what was different. _She dyed her hair. Holy Vixen, Batman! Or should I say Batgirl?_ I swallowed again and tore my eyes away from her and walked into the classroom.

As we sat through trigonometry, I crafted my master plan of getting back into the good graces of Bella Swan. I cursed at myself for not watching which classroom Alice had walked to after leaving Bella at English. I contemplated asking Jasper, but that might look suspicious, and the last thing I need was more questions from Mr. Peanut Gallery. I glanced at the clock and shook my leg nervously.

I was going to apologize for being awkward and ruining their girls-night-out on Saturday. I was going to ask her if she enjoyed her birthday, and then mention that I was very pleased I got to come along. I would then express to her my concern that I made Bella feel awkward, and leave with a grin and a charming comment conveying my interest in seeing them around later. I glanced at the clock again and sighed. It had only been ten minutes.

My eyes felt heavy as I watched the back of the balding teachers head bob up and down as he wrote on the blackboard. The dialogue from the battle of wits in Princess Bride came to mind and I smirked. I recited the scene in my head, trying to stay awake, but I felt my head slip forward and almost hit the desk after a few lines. I felt like I should find something to hold my eyes open like they did for that scene in A Clockwork Orange. I glanced around the room and huffed in frustration. _How come everyone else seems so awake in such a useless class? _I growled internally and rolled my eyes. My lids felt heavy again and I leaned back in my chair.

I was startled awake by a cold, sweaty hand on my wrist. I lunged forward and gasped, eyes bulging and heart thumping widely in my chest.

"Why, good morning! The next time you feel it appropriate to sleep through my class, Mr. Cullen, I won't be so forgiving. Now get out of my class before I change my mind and send you to the principal's office," the balding, short man said.

_I should probably remember what his name is one of these days._

I gathered my things and got the hell out of dodge. I rubbed my eyes tiredly as I yawned and rounded the corner. A short person with wild hair rammed straight into my chest and squeaked. I looked down and smirked. _Why thank you coincidence, you do love me today._

"Oh, Alice! I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going," I said smoothly, reaching down to steady her by the elbow.

She smiled up at me and shrugged. "It's okay, I'm kind of easy to miss, being only five feet."

I smiled and cleared my throat. "Listen, I wanted to apologize for ruining your night with Bella on Saturday. I totally didn't mean to impose, or mess things up between you guys."

"It's fine, really. She was a bit embarrassed and angry with me, but we hashed it out. We always do." She turned like she was going to walk around me and I reached out for her forearm, touching her gently.

"Oh, well, that's good. I…" _Shit, what else was I going to say? _My mind raced as I tried to remember my planned speech from this morning and I yawned as the memory of sleeping crossed my mind. "I wanted to thank you for letting me stay at your birthday party," I said through the yawn, covering my mouth and shaking my head slightly.

_Wait, that's not right. Why would she care if I stayed? I'm fucking this up. Think!_

"Oh, uh… you're welcome?" she said, sounding like she was uncertain of how to respond.

"Yeah, uh, well… shit. I had something else I was going to say. You'd think I could talk to a girl casually… not like Jasper," I mumbled the last half to myself nervously. _Fuck! This is going completely sideways._

Alice's eyes were wide and she looked surprised by something I said. _Shit, did she hear the Jasper comment? Great. Could this get any worse?_ She slowly took a step back from me and looked a little uncomfortable. I took a step closer and leaned in, putting my hand back on the forearm that was holding her books.

"Shit, I didn't mean to say that. Don't say anything about that last part, Jasper would kill me," I whispered. My eyes were burning and I felt like shit. I could tell my cheeks were flushed and my palms were sweaty. The palm on her forearm, particularly. I quickly removed my hand and begged the ground to swallow me whole. _Think. Fix this. Quick. _I looked back up into her eyes and attempted my award-winning smile. She smiled back nervously before turning and sprinting away like a marathon runner. I tugged at my hair and cursed quietly.

I made my way to Spanish, cursing at myself under my breath. "Stupid, fucking moron. Screwing shit up. Now how am I supposed to get into her good book? Can't do shit right in this town, can I?"

I slid into my seat and ran my hand through my hair angrily. I wanted to scream, but there were too many people around. A handful would have been fine, I'm used to people thinking I'm crazy, but a full class? No way.

"What the fuck did you say to my little sister, dude?" a deep voice whispered beside me.

I turned, confused, and looked into Emmett's dark eyes. _Piss and spit, fuck, god damn, shit. _"Hello Emmett. Good morning to you too," I said dryly, turning back to face the front of the class.

"Seriously, I warned you to stay away from her," he said slightly louder than before.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. _No, seriously, can today get worse? _"I am staying away from her. I was talking to her about Bella, smartass. I don't dig younger chicks."

"I don't care what gets your panties wet; just stay away from my sister if you know what's good for you." He glared for a long moment before jerking forward in his seat and sitting perfectly still. He looked like a freaking marble statue, sitting poised and rigid.

I ignored him for the rest of class and tried to focus on the ramblings of Ms. Goff. The Spanish helped my head continue functioning so I could stay awake, but the subject did nothing for my attention span. When the bell rang, I stayed in my spot, waiting for Emmett to leave first. I knew how much a shoulder throw could hurt when put in the back of your ribcage, and I didn't need any more reasons to groan today.

I made my way through the courtyard, averting my gaze from other classmates, and made certain to not run into hobbits in the hallway. Third period passed easily, and I was slowly waking up. Fourth period however, I was completely alert. I _had_ to be. Emmett had a score to settle and it seemed my body, head, or any attached limb served as a goal post. _Thank God for being lanky. _I brought a whole new meaning to the phrase dodge ball, even if the given sport for the day was volleyball.

I changed quickly and got in the back of the line for lunch. The bell still hadn't rung, so the only students in the cafeteria were from gym. Jasper was one of the first few people to join the lunchroom once class let out. We made our way to our usual table and sat in an awkward silence. I'm guessing the shitty look on my face hadn't improved since first period, and I probably had the look of "don't fuck with me" plastered on. _Wonderful. _

Lunch came and went, and I grew more and more bitter as the day slowly passed. I couldn't wait for school to be over so I could smoke a bowl and pass the fuck out. I stood in a daze, trying to remember what class I had next when it hit me. _Swan class. Wonderful. Fuck my life. _I took a detour to the men's room before heading to class. My reflection was exactly as I expected; purple, red, white, and pissed. I splashed cold water on my face and ran my hand through my hair. I took a few deep breaths and walked to class. As I sat down, I turned to face the door. I waited expectantly for Bella to skid into the room at the last second. She didn't disappoint.

I smiled at her as she took her seat, but she didn't even glance at me. _What the fuck? _I leaned a little closer so that we were only inches apart and watched her. Her lips were moving a mile a minute but she wasn't saying anything. I couldn't even see her breathing, or fidgeting. It was like she was reciting something over and over again silently.

I tried to read her lips, but seriously, that shit's hard to pull off, especially when they are going faster than a human can talk. She got a wicked look on her face and she seemed livid as her lips stop moving. I leaned back slowly and turned toward the front of the class. _Note to self, don't piss off Swan. _I watched the clock the rest of class, only glancing at Bella occasionally. Just before the bell rang, I grabbed my bag and heaved it over my shoulder. I was out of my seat before the second hand hit the twelve, and out the door before the bell finished ringing.

_I need to get the hell out of here before I lose my shit. _

My feet carried me quickly toward sixth period and I waited outside for Jasper. I stood on my tiptoes, searching for the signature blond mess of hair, and sighed when I finally saw him round the corner.

"You. Car. Now. Leaving," I said quickly.

"Whoa, dude, keep it down. People might get the wrong idea," Jasper whispered as he looked around, rolling his eyes.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and scowled at him. "Seriously. I need to leave before my day gets any worse."

"Fine, alright, chill. Let's go," he said quietly as he turned to walk towards the gym.

"Where the hell are you going? The car is that way," I argued, pointing the opposite direction.

"You don't expect us to just walk out the front gate, do you? Mrs. Cope sits guard between classes, trust me. We hide away on the other side of the men's locker room until seven minutes passed the hour and then we hop the fence." He waved me in the direction of the gym and smirked.

"Fine. But if we get caught, you're the one making up the story," I mumbled, following behind him.

"Yeah, yeah. Bitch later, walk faster."

We crouched down between the brick wall of the gym and the chain-link fence and waited. Jasper glanced at his watch a few times as his leg bounced.

"Come here often?" I whispered with a grin.

Jasper rolled his eyes and glanced at his watch again. He smirked and waved me toward the fence. I ran while crouching down and looked back and forth. I swear I heard the Mission Impossible Theme in my head. Jasper pulled on the links as he heaved himself up and over the fence, dropping down with a light thud on the other side. He dusted off his hands and nodded at me, keeping a look-out. I climbed the fence less gracefully and skilled as he did and threw myself over the top. My feet skidded out from under me and I fell flat on my ass, smacking my head against the metal pole of the fence.

"Fucking God Dammit!" I cursed loudly.

Jasper burst out laughing and tried to shush me between gasps for air. I stood slowly, dusting my jeans off, and taking special care on making sure my ass was clear of any dirt. I glared at Jasper as I pulled my bag back up onto my shoulder and walked toward the parking lot. Jasper jogged a little to catch up with me and eventually stopped laughing.

I walked straight to my car and went to throw my bag inside, but Jasper stopped and looked at me confused.

"What?" I asked bitterly.

"Did you just want to take off, or did you want to smoke out first?" he asked.

I contemplated for a moment, weighing the option. I could get the hell out of here and go home and smoke alone, or I could stay here, with ninja-asshole, and smoke _his _weed before going home.

"Fine. Your car though," I mumbled, walking around the back end of my car.

Jasper grinned and opened his trunk, digging around inside for a few seconds before unlocking the doors and climbing into the back seat. He packed the bowl and handed me the greens.

"My amends for laughing at you falling flat on your ass," he said with a smirk, lighter in one hand, the bowl in the other.

I scowled and took the offer, lighting up and taking a deep breath. I passed the lit bowl back to Jasper and flicked the lighter again, passing my fingertips over the flame as I held my hit in. Slowly, I exhaled and closed my eyes, leaning my head against the interior.

"Ere," Jasper croaked, passing me the pipe and holding his hit in. I light the end and took in another deep hit as Jasper slowly exhaled.

We passed the pipe back and forth for the duration of the small bowl. Jasper quirked his brow and I nodded, agreeing to another bowl. The high had started to creep into my mind, and the edges of my bitterness and anger slowly fizzled away. Jasper took the greens hit this time, quickly passing me the pipe and lighter before glancing down at his watch. I leaned over to peek at the time and exhaled casually. It was thirty minutes until school let out.

I passed back to Jasper and closed my eyes. My head spun and I smiled at the effect. I lost myself in my thoughts as I enjoyed the high. I felt like my head was only loosely attached, and my worries drifted away. Looking back on the entire day, sure, it was fucked up, but it could have been worse.

_I could have been put into a coma and lost my entire family._

I shook my head and opened my eyes. Jasper was staring at me curiously and I just shrugged. He passed me the bowl and I lit up, inhaling through the hot pipe. The smoke burned at the back of my throat and I coughed with my lips still around the opening. The burning embers went flying, and I dropped the pipe.

"Fuck!" I whispered though a cough.

Jasper burst out laughing, clutching his ribs as his bloodshot eyes squinted and teared up. I smacked his knee and he laughed harder. I could feel the small burning embers of the pot on my forearm as I swatted at my skin quickly, trying to brush it off. I picked up the pipe and handed it back to Jasper, scowling.

"Oh come on, Man… that was priceless. You have a shit day and just when you get to feeling better, you fuck it all up!" He burst out laughing again as he slipped the pipe in his pocket. He pulled the door handle open just as I started to laugh.

He was right.

I started to cough while laughing and my ribs ached. I opened my door and tried to drag myself out between the front seat and the door. _Fucking two-door cars. _

"Uh.. hi," Jasper said awkwardly. He began snickering again and I was completely confused as to who he was talking to.

I finally managed to stagger out of the car and turned to look at Jasper. He was bent over, still clutching his ribs and laughing hysterically. I looked across the top of the car and was met with the most confused pair of brown eyes I had ever seen.

"Shit…" I mumbled, looking away. _What the fuck is she doing in the parking lot? School isn't out yet. Fuck! Now what? Shit, she'll know what we are doing. _

"So Emmett was probably right about you two," she said bitterly.

"Emmett? What did he have to say about us?" I glanced back at her quickly as Jasper was gasping to catch his breath. _Stupid shit, that'll teach you to laugh at me._

"He told Alice to stay away from you two, and I think I understand why now. You guys are lit out of your minds, aren't you? Is that why you rambled off incoherent shit to Alice this morning?" She sounded frustrated, or confused, but her expression was hard and cold. She looked like she was trying to hold her façade in place as she took a step closer toward us.

"Whoa, wait a second, you talked to Alice this morning? What are you, crazy?" Jasper said once he caught his breath.

"I just wanted to apologize if I messed up your dinner the other night, and tell her I was sorry for making things awkward," I said, completely ignoring Jasper.

"Dude, why this morning though? After what happened from the—"

"Shut the fuck up, Jasper. Not here, dude," I said, cutting him off before he could say anything about the Ambien or the dream.

"What about this morning? Were you too stoned to know what the hell you said then, too? Do you even remember the shit you said to her?" She glared at me, her fists shaking and her entire body tense. She looked like she was ready to strike at any second, and I couldn't help but relate the look to a fierce kitten or something.

"Dude, if you did anything to upset Alice, I'll kick your ass," Jasper interjected. I scoffed at him and refrained from laughing.

"I didn't touch or insult Alice; relax lover boy." I rolled my eyes and turned back toward Bella. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed before slowly looking back into her chocolate eyes. "Look, I'm sorry that I said anything to Alice at all if it makes you feel any better. I had a shitty night, and a worse morning, and I wasn't in my right mind."

"Obviously you aren't in your right mind now either. Are you _ever_ in your right mind?" she said bitterly.

"Now is different. I wasn't… I hadn't. Jesus," I mumbled and took a deep breath, "this is so fucked up. Listen." I took a step around the front of the car toward her and held my hand out, begging her to hear me out. "I just wanted to apologize. That's all. No more, no less. I'm sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you, or make you feel awkward or stupid or anything."

Bella gasped and clenched her fists tighter, shaking. "Stupid? Of course I felt stupid. Here I was, just wanting to get to know you because we had similar taste in movies and you seemed to give a shit and then you turn around and tell me you don't want anything to do with me. Then I find out you're a fucking stoner? Yeah, I feel pretty stupid. Emmett was right, you two are trouble." She hung her head and sighed heavily, mumbling something under her breath. She shook her head and turned to look at Jasper. Her eyes narrowed slightly like she meant business. "She likes you, you know – a lot – but she thinks you don't even notice her, or if you do it's because you're just like everyone else and think she's a slut. Emmett thought Edward was making a move on his little sister, and he warned her to keep away from you both. She's pissed, and she's never this angry with Emmett. Now I don't know if I should tell her you're both druggie losers and she's wasting her time and have her hate me, or let her find out for herself and get her heart broken."

"She does? She likes me?" Jasper said quickly, eyes wide.

Bella rolled her eyes and turned to walk away as the bell rang. I panicked. _Apologize. Fix it. Good God, if you can do anything right today, let it be this._

"Bella, please. Can we talk about this? Seriously, this isn't what you're thinking," I pleaded. _God, turn around and talk to me. Let me explain. I'll confess. Pick anything, I'll spill, just give me a chance._

She slowly turned around to face me and took a steady breath, her face placid and emotionless. "You know, Edward, I don't think I want to hear it. In fact, I _shouldn't_ have even bothered with you in the first place, and I _won't_ try now," she said coldly, throwing my own words back at me.

I stood and watched her walk away, speechless. _That's no fucking kitten, that's a lion in sheep's clothing. _I followed her with my eyes as she crossed over to her truck, climbed in effortlessly, slammed the door, and sped off, engine rumbling loudly like a roar.

I turned and looked at Jasper, my mouth still hanging open and saw my expression reflected back. Jasper's eyes were wide and he seemed completely at a loss for words.

"Well fuck me running with a chainsaw, that didn't go as planned," I mumbled to myself.

"There was a plan in that fucked up mess of a conversation?"

"Alright, poor choice of words. Come on, let's get the hell out of dodge before people start asking questions and want to inspect the odd smell permeating in the parking lot." I jogged around the hood of the car and unlocked my doors, climbing in quickly. Jasper jumped back into the driver's seat of his Charger and revved the engine, pulling out quickly with me right behind him.

_Well that was subtle._

As we sped toward my house, I skipped to the third Muse album and hit play on _Hysteria. _The heavy, fast paced guitar flooded my speakers and my body was rigid as I tapped on the steering wheel to the beat. I nodded along to the rhythm, rolling my shoulders and clenching my jaw.

_Why the fuck did she have to find us smoking? And why did Emmett have to put his huge nose in my shit? And why the _fuck _can't Jasper keep his mouth shut. Today's gone to hell in a mother fucking hand basket and it's definitely not getting any better every time I plead for it to. _

As the instrumental section of the song began, I growled. I shook the steering wheel angrily and screamed at the top of my lungs.

"FUCK!"

I slammed on the breaks at the stop sign behind Jasper and threw myself into the wheel. I beat my head against it a few times, cursing under my breath. _The moment I realize what a dick I've been, and how badly I really do like her, she realizes what a fuck up I am, and tells me to piss off. Wonderful. And I didn't even have to tell her shit about my past to screw it all up. How ironic. Just shit on my dick, karma, go ahead, I won't mind._

I took a deep breath and sat back up. I slowly eased on the gas pedal as the lyrics kicked back in, hitting me like a ton of bricks. I barely managed to multitask: paying attention to the road and the lyrics at the same time. As we pulled into my driveway, I slammed on the breaks, the song ending at the same moment, and flew out of the car.

"Dude, are you okay? You looked… well, are you okay?" Jasper asked as followed me up the stairs.

_What the fuck is he doing here? Did I invite him over? _I spun around to face him and took a deep breath, trying to keep my cool. The world seemed to spin with me, or maybe it was against me, and I blinked to try and get my bearings. "Seriously, I've had the worst fucking day imaginable, and you've only caught pieces of it. If you have any sanity and desire to live, you'll leave _now_."

Jasper just stood there, staring at me, like I hadn't said a damn thing.

"I'm serious!" I shouted, practically growling.

Again, he just stood there, and blinked.

The mother fucker _blinked_.

"Go!" I screamed my voice cracking as I shook with fury and frustration.

He breathed in steadily and exhaled slowly through his nose, staring at me.

I shook, my fists clenched, and I stared him down. His eyes were like a crazy storm, swirls of blue and gray with a green outline. I tried to breathe in but couldn't seem to expand my chest. I began to hyperventilate and Jasper just continued to stare at me.

"Why won't you say anything!" I cried out angrily. I took a step toward him, my fists balled up tightly and my fingernails digging into the palm of my hand.

He blinked and took another steady breath.

"Dammit, Jasper, fucking say something!"

"I'm not afraid of you, Edward. And I'm not going anywhere until I know that you're okay," he said calmly, not looking away or slurring a single word.

_…We have just lost cabin pressure._

The world tilted on its axis and I crumpled to the ground. I gasped for air that wouldn't come and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly.

_White light_.

I gasped again, opening my eyes and searching around me for anything to grab on to. A cold breath of air hit the back of my throat and I shivered.

_Salt_.

Jasper's lips were moving but all I heard was white noise. Static. Nothingness. I gripped something tightly in my fist and pulled it to me as I choked on my own saliva. I looked down at the ground in a panic.

_Shadow_.

I felt a cold, sharp pain stretch across my face, followed by a stinging sensation.

_Breathe_!

My eyes were wide and I tried for another gasp of air and my lungs burned as they flooded with oxygen. I continued to gasp as air filled my lungs.

"Short breaths, Edward. Short breaths. Don't try to take too much oxygen at once, you'll pass out. Slow, dammit!" I heard him say quickly.

I felt a stinging sensation across my face again, and realized it was Jasper.

He slapped me.

The stinging began to fade and I realized that I just had a serious panic attack_. I am far too lit, with much too little sleep for this shit._ I just wanted this shit to stop. Was that too much to ask? Even an asshole deserves a break.

Right?

Jasper helped me to my feet and took my keys from me, unlocking the front door. He dragged me to the sofa, and set me down. He dashed off to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of water, watching me closely as I took it from him.

I gulped down the water, choking at first as the frigid liquid shocked my throat.

"Feeling any better?" Jasper asked as he took a seat beside me on the couch.

I nodded slowly and took another swig of water. My heart was still going a million miles an hour and the room hadn't stopped spinning, but I could breathe again.

"What happened, dude?" he asked quietly after a while.

I shook my head, not wanting to get into it again.

"Seriously, you need to give me something, here. You wake up screaming from some dream or nightmare. You're falling asleep in first period. You say shit to Alice when you're completely out of it. Emmett thinks you're hitting on his sister. You liked like you were ready to kill a bitch before sixth period, you fall on your ass climbing a damn fence, choke on your hit, drive like a maniac all the way home, and then have a panic attack on your front porch. If you plan on keeping this between just you and I, you have some serious explaining to do, otherwise, I'm sure Carlisle would like to know about your day," he said nonchalantly.

I gaped at him. "Are you seriously black-mailing my ass?"

"Not really, I like to look at it like I'm giving you options," he said with a smug grin.

I rubbed the back of my head and stared at the floor. I contemplated telling him to go fuck himself, but I didn't know how serious Jasper was being. Would he tell Carlisle about the weed? Fuck, just the panic attack would be enough to give me a piss test, and then I'd be fucked. I wouldn't have enough time to drive to Seattle to get a THC cleaner.

"Do I need to go all Alex Trebek on your ass?" he mused, quirking an eyebrow.

I glowered at him. Smug shit. He had me pinned, and he knew it. _Fine, two can play that game, he just won't get all the details._

"Fine, fuckass. Carlisle took me in after my parents were murdered. Their death is a huge mystery to my hometown, and I'm the only witness, but I can't remember jack shit about that night." I turned and faced him head on, glaring into his eyes. "Some _psycho_ is out there running around and I could put his ass away, but I don't remember the attack, and so he goes Scott-free. I dipped into drugs, and got caught, so Carlisle packed our bags and shipped us both off to the wettest, most boring city in the states. Now I have nightmares about shit I can't remember, and I don't even know if it's real, or shit fabricated in my head trying to fill in the holes anyway it can."

Jasper stared at me, speechless for a long time. "You seriously don't remember anything from that night at all?" he finally said, his voice a whisper and his eyes fixed on me.

"Not a fucking thing," I said bitterly. I turned and closed my eyes, hunching over and resting my head in my hands. I took a deep breath, a small portion of the weight lifted from my shoulders. _Partial truths never hurt anyone, right?_

"I'm sorry I pushed, Man. It wasn't my place. I just thought you were having some shit night and it just progressed into today. I had no idea… I thought it might help to vent a bit, and I was just trying to look out for you."

"Of course you had no idea. You aren't a mind reader, Jasper."

He chuckled slightly and I felt the couch shift. "I can leave you alone if you want, as long as you are feeling better," he said quietly.

I nodded slowly and swallowed, my palms pressed into my eyes as I hunched over my knees. "Thanks for the help. I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it," he said. I felt his weight lift from the couch and heard him step around the coffee table. When the door clicked open I looked up.

"Oh and Jasper?" I said calmly. He turned, pausing at the door and arched a brow. "Not a fucking word to anyone. Got it?"

He nodded once and walked out the door.

Six weeks. Six weeks went by, and Bella Swan didn't say a word to me. Six weeks passed, and I slowly felt myself spiral out of control.

_"And I want you now, I want you now.  
I'll feel my heart implode and I'm breaking out.  
Escaping now, feeling my faith erode."_  
~Muse - Hysteria


	12. Ch12: Unstable and Not Meant For Me

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and SusyQ]_

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Adema - Unstable, and Wayne Static - Not Meant For Me.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud. Also, huge thanks goes out to my twitter girls, rhpsfaerie, and misscarissa, and mayraB_83 for help with the music selection. You guys are awesome! The rest of you should join the fun on twitter!

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*** Warning. Awkward moments and a handful of inside jokes. ***

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_"I wanted to learn about the dark side of you.  
You bring me down like a bottle of pills.  
I hate the way that you make me feel.  
I keep coming back I never get killed."_  
~Adema – "Unstable"

**Unstable and Not Meant For Me  
Chapter Twelve  
BPOV**

I awoke to the sound of rain and Adema. I groaned and rolled over, trying to bury my head under my pillow and forget the day had already started. _Another glorious Monday at Forks High._ After fidgeting for a solid two minutes to get back to sleep, I flung the covers back and sat up. I stood and walked to my window, peering outside with a frown. _Just once… just once I wish it could be sunny out. _Sunshine graced Forks about as often as a blue moon appeared in a calendar year; we were prone to grey clouds and chilly winds. I hated it. _It can't rain all the time, my ass._

The lyrics flowing from my iPod resonated with me, and I took a deep breath_. Edward-fuckass-Cullen._ I hadn't touched him, spoken to him, or even glanced at him in six weeks. The asshole deserved worse, but that's all I had in me to dish out. I was beginning to forget exactly what he had done, besides the drugs, but then I remembered he embarrassed the hell out of me, and I had felt duped. _Nope, silent treatment continues. I want nothing to do with the druggie. Period._

I got dressed, ate breakfast with Charlie, brushed my teeth and gathered up my stuff. I stood in front of the white board for a good five minutes trying to figure out exactly what kind of mood I was in. I couldn't even come up with a forecast – I blamed the weather. My mind just simply wouldn't compute; my information train was jammed.

_Fuck this stupid shit.  
I don't feel like appeasing  
anyone today._

I put the marker back on the whiteboard, glanced at Charlie's word – detached – and left for school. When I got to my locker, Mike was standing there with the weirdest expression on his face.

"Can I help you, Mike?" I asked.

"Huh? What? Oh. No," he replied awkwardly.

I noticed a small, stuffed pink elephant hanging from a bowtie on my combination lock like a noose. I quirked a brow and looked back at Mike curiously.

"Oh. That's from that Jason kid. I just saw him put it there and walk away," he said quickly, pointing down the hallway.

"Jason?"

"Yeah… Jason, Jackson… whatever his name is. Weird kid – weirder name."

"Jasper, you mean?"

"Yeah! Jasper," he said as he nodded with a grin.

"Right. Thanks, Mike." I put in my combination, pulled the bowtie off of the lock and opened my locker, cramming my books for fifth and sixth period inside before slamming the door. As Mike walked away I looked over the stuffed animal. There was a small note folded and stuffed between a crease in its trunk. I looked around, making sure that no one was watching me, and unfolded the note.

_Bella,_

_Please make sure Alice gets this. She might figure out who gave it to her, she might not. Either way, I just wanted to let her know that someone was thinking about her._

_J.H._

I stood there, like some stupid deer in headlights as my mind raced over the different options I had. _Do I give it to her from me? Do I give it to her with a fake note? What about not giving it to her at all? Shit, Bella, think!_

"Hey, Bella! What's that?"

I spun around, clutching the elephant to my chest and my eyes wide. I looked down at the stuffed animal, back up at Alice, back down at the elephant and opened my mouth to speak.

"Shit! I, um, well… it's for you," I said quickly, shoving it at her like it was contaminated or diseased.

Alice looked at me for a second before her eyes lit up and she squealed. "Really?"

"Yeah, uh, someone left it tied to my locker with a note that said 'For Alice.' So, here. Take it," I said, rambling and pushing it toward her again more anxiously.

"Can I see the note?" she asked excitedly.

"Uh, I threw it away already," I said, motioning to the trash can a few lockers down.

"Oh," she said quietly, her expression falling slightly.

"But it looked sloppy, like a guy's writing. I think," I said quickly.

"Really?"

I nodded and grinned as wide as I could manage. Alice skipped and I walked along beside her toward class. She was squeezing the hell out of the elephant, and I suddenly realized why Esme never let her have any pets. When we reached my class, I couldn't wipe the genuine smile from my face; Alice was beaming, and it was good to see her so happy.

"Pay attention in class today, yeah?" I asked, teasing her.

"Yeah, yeah. You know, you'd think that tenth grade geography wouldn't have to cover which one was the Atlantic Ocean and which one was the Pacific, but apparently some people just don't get it," Alice said as she rolled her eyes.

I chuckled and shrugged, waving goodbye to Alice as she skipped down the hallway toward class.

Lauren shot me every dirty look her face was capable of, which was surprisingly very few considering how damn ugly she was to begin with. During the last half of English class, we were granted reading time, so I pulled out my iPod and put on more Adema, closing my eyes and getting lost in the music. By the end of class I was feeling pretty self-confident, pumped up, and pissed off at the world. I pulled out a quarter when the bell rang and walked straight up to Lauren. I pulled one ear bud out and smiled.

"Here," I said innocently, handing the quarter to Lauren.

She looked around curiously, probably checking to make sure that no one was looking at her talking to me. "What's that for?" she spat.

"To buy yourself a new face. You seem to have run out of dirty looks with your current one. Maybe you can get a more attractive one this time." I dropped the quarter into her palm, smirked, and turned on my heel. I walked straight out of the room, hitching my bag a little higher on my shoulder and beaming with pride.

_Take that, bitch._

By the time lunch came around, no one would even glance at me. I must have had a look on my face that screamed "Don't fuck with me" because Lauren wouldn't have admitted what I said to anyone. I got my lunch, went to pay, and was twenty cents short.

_Fucking karma._

I huffed and went to put my apple back, but a long, lean arm extended and handed the cashier a quarter. I followed the arm up slowly with my eyes and swallowed. _Shit. _Jasper smiled politely, never looking at the cashier, and nodded. I smiled back quickly, ducked my head and booked it to my table.

_Alright, I promise to never be a bitch again unless prompted. _I slid onto the bench and exhaled loudly. I pulled my Chuck Palahniuk book out of my bag and began munching on my lunch while I read. A few minutes later, Alice joined me, mumbling.

"Alright, what's wrong?" I asked, setting my book back down.

"Fucking T.D.T.T. and their damn 'like, oh my God, team Jacob!' bullshit," she said, mimicking a valley girl voice and flipping the ends of her short hair.

I snickered and grinned at the sight of her, but was completely lost. "Alright, you're going to have to explain because I'm totally confused."

"T.D.T.T. The Ditzy Tits Team and their huge obsession with Jacob," Alice said, huffing and crossing her arms. She glared down at her food and clenched her jaw like it was the enemy.

"I'm still totally lost," I repeated, trying not to laugh.

"Jessica and Lauren's gang of Olympic sized hoe-bags. You know, our stupid cheerleading squad? You do know what cheerleading is, right?"

"Yes, you snot, I know what cheerleading is. Alright, go on. Who's this Jacob?" I asked.

"The stupid wide receiver on our junior football team, that's who. He's a little arrogant shit-face that has all the upper-class girls fawning over him."

"And what about this has you so pissed off?" I asked, still not seeing the point.

"Lauren decided to give me a hard time in the girls' bathroom before lunch. They might have mentioned something about my slutty ass not even being able to score a freshman anymore," Alice mumbled as she crossed her arms and legs, looking away.

I stared at her – I couldn't believe it. I stood up and looked around the cafeteria for that bitch, but Alice tugged my arm, whispering my name. I glared at Lauren's table but sat back down slowly.

"Bella!" Alice hissed.

"What? I'm going to fuck her shit up one last time so she can't open that diseased mouth of hers anymore." I scowled at Alice as she rolled her eyes.

"Just leave it alone, she's not worth it. It's not your fault she's a bitch."

I chewed on my lower lip and looked down at my lunch tray. "No, but it is kind of my fault that she chose today to act out toward you," I mumbled.

"What do you mean?"

"I kind of… said some nasty stuff to her this morning in English," I said quietly, smashing all the words together.

Alice's eyes were wide and her jaw could have been detached for all I knew. I told her what I said and she couldn't stop laughing. I turned bright red at the attention she was drawing but couldn't hold my laughter in. Pretty soon, we were both clutching our stomachs as we gasped for air with the whole school staring at us. I didn't care anymore. Lauren would know what we were laughing about and feel even shittier without me having to do anything to her. That was good enough for me.

We eventually caught our breath, and Alice began dissecting her orange as I took a swig of my water. I took a deep breath and grinned.

"I heard that Kirk is sleeping with one of the cheerleaders," Alice said quietly after a few minutes.

"Oh? I'm sorry, Ali…"

"Don't be. It's not like we ever went that far. You know… in bed," she said, shrugging and popping an orange slice in her mouth.

"You didn't?" I asked, slightly confused.

"God! No. It's not like I sleep with every guy I date. Thanks a lot, Bella."

"I didn't mean it like that, Alice. Sorry."

"It's alright. He's a dork anyway. What about Edward? You haven't mentioned him in a long time. You still have fifth period with the guy, right?"

_Shit. _Leave it to Alice to bring up the one topic I don't want to talk about. "What about him?"

"Look at him. He looks all… I don't know, crazy or something. Like he's straight out of an insane asylum. You know, that one you like with Brad Pitt. _One-Hundred Monkeys _or something," Alice said as she stared toward his table.

I wanted to smack her and tell her to stop staring, but I was curious. I glanced toward his table and my jaw dropped. She was right. He did look crazy. His hair was a huge mess and stuck out in every direction. I wondered if he did it that way on purpose, like he could make it so beautifully style that it was something he could logically consider sacred, or if he just didn't give a shit.

"I think you mean _Twelve Monkeys_, and you're right, he does look a little… disheveled."

"Disheveled? Seriously? What are you, some walking thesaurus? He looks crazy, Bella. He's looked worse and worse as the weeks have gone by. I knew there was something wrong with him when he stopped me in the hallway that day."

"He's not crazy, Alice. He just seems to have some serious issues or something. We shouldn't judge, we have our fair share," I mumbled. _Wait, why am I defending him again?_

"You say issues, I say crazy." Alice glanced down at my book and turned it around so she could read the title. "_Lullaby_? Is this a work of fiction or reality?"

"Non-fiction, you mean. No, it's fiction. It's about a lullaby that's in nursery books and the main character does some investigating and links it to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Through some digging, she discovers that it was cursed centuries ago, and has been to blame for deaths for a long time."

"That sounds really… morbid. You read some weird stuff, Bella," Alice said as she shook her head.

I glanced back at Edward and sighed. He looked like hell. I could only see his profile, but still. He was paler than usual, and his hair was a disaster. His clothes were hanging off of him like they didn't fit right or he got dressed in a hurry. He looked run down. I wondered what other kind of drugs he did. Charlie always said that pot leads to other things like crack and heroin. Was Edward an addict?

I heard Alice say my name, and shook my head. "What? Sorry…"

"I said are you going to go get your books, or make a run for it last minute like always?" Alice asked.

"Oh, yeah. Let's go. I'm not going to eat the rest of this anyway," I said, nodding at my plate. I slipped my book back into my bag and grabbed my tray. I threw everything in the trash but the apple and water and headed out the double doors to the courtyard. Alice walked along side me to my locker as she continued peeling apart her orange slice by slice and eating it. I bit into my apple, slid my bottle of water between my knees and put in my locker combination. I exchanged my books, slid them into my bag and closed the locker. I dropped my water into my bag as well, and finished taking a bite from the apple, chewing slowly.

"God, I hate history. Seriously, why do we need to know about the stupid Kings and Queens of England centuries ago?" Alice asked rhetorically.

I laughed and shrugged as I took another bite. I wanted to tell her it only gets worse the closer you get to present day, but decided against it. She'd find out soon enough. She gave me a hug when we reached my class, and I noticed the pink elephant clipped to the back of her bag. My heart sank at the idea of telling her where it came from and then telling her what he does afterwards. I shook my head, dispelling the thoughts, and walked through the door.

Edward wasn't in class yet for once. I took my seat, pulled out my notebook filled with sketches and quotes and scribbled some more into the margins. I vaguely remembered hearing the stool scrape on the floor beside me as I worked on inking in the outlined words. I was putting the finishing touches on the needle and drops of blood shaded with crosshatching when I heard Edward speak beside me.

"It's true, you know," he mumbled, his voice rough and his tone deep.

I blinked and stared at the page, telling myself not to look at him or speak to him. I couldn't stop my head from moving as I turned to look, however. I searched his face, trying to understand what he meant. As soon as my eyes connected with his, I gasped. His eyes were dark, like an endless, starless night. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked emaciated. He looked dead, emotionless… broken.

"I'm… I'm sorry, what?" I whispered.

"The quote. It's right." He looked back down at my notebook and recited the words I had just etched onto the page. "'It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling.' Death is forever. Drugs may feel like they're forever when you first take them and you realize you've had too much and the feeling doesn't go away quick enough. Panic sets in, and you fear that you're dying, but slowly the edginess fades away, and you remember why you did them in the first place: to feel something. Anything. To see something new about yourself. It's true." His eyes were still focused on the paper as he spoke. He looked like he was far away, lost somewhere deep in his mind and remembering something that made his blood run cold as his emotions faded away. He was expressionless, and his eyes were empty.

A shiver ran down my spine as I stared at him long and hard. His face would twitch slightly, first his eyebrow like he was seeing something, and then the corner of his mouth. He slowly closed his eyes and took in a deep, steady breath through his nose. He looked terrible.

"Are… you alright, Edward?" I asked quietly, uncertain what to say. _Had he just confessed that he was on something? Should I do something?_ It wasn't until the words fully left my lips that I realized I just spoke to him for the first time in six weeks.

His lips turned into a faint smile very slowly as he opened his eyes and swallowed. He stared at me and it made me feel uneasy. "Why do you care?" he asked very quietly, his voice still rough and deep, but he sounded slightly amused; like there was a hidden joke in his question.

"I… you just… I just am," I mumbled, uncertain of how to answer.

"You haven't cared for six weeks," he mumbled, slurring his S's and leaning against the desk. He rested his jaw against his palm and continued to stare at me.

I fidgeted slightly, feeling completely uncomfortable and awkward. "I… I'm sorry. I do care. I just don't care for your choice in hobbies."

"Hobbies? You make it sound like I bowl. Sure, a bowl is involved, but it's hardly a hobby." He continued to smirk at me, enjoying his own private jokes and making me feel like I was the butt of it all.

"What do you call it then? A recreational habit?"

"More like a means to an undefined end," he said, slowly closing his eyes. The smirk faded from his lips as he took in another steady breath.

"Do you enjoy speaking in riddles and making me feel like I'm a joke?" I whispered bitterly.

He opened his eyes and stared at me, furrowing his brows. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. You aren't a joke, Bella. I'm the joke. And yes, I do enjoy riddles. Life's full of them." He paused for a second before looking down at the desk. "My life is one," he mumbled, probably not intending for me to hear. He looked back up at me with an amused expression. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" he asked. For the first time in a long time, his eyes lit up and the emerald seemed to shine slightly.

"Because Poe wrote on both," I mumbled, uncertain if he was being serious or not. I was aware of the Lewis Carroll riddle, and all of the possible answers, though none of them were ever confirmed. Poe was my favorite answer, however.

Edward stared at me blankly for a long moment, not saying a word. His lips turned into a heart-melting smile and my pulse raced. For a split second, he looked normal again. "Why do you do it, Edward?" I asked before I managed to think. As Edward furrowed his brows in thought, the bell rang, and I sighed.

He reached across the table and placed his hand on my forearm gently. His fingers were ice cold, and his skin felt like leather. "Will you listen to me if I tell you?" he asked very quietly. I nodded and swallowed. "This weekend? Somewhere less crowded?" he asked quieter than before. I had to strain to hear him, but I nodded again. His lips twitched slightly like he wanted to smile, but he nodded once and turned toward the front of the class.

We didn't speak for the rest of the period.

When the bell rang, he collected his things and stood slowly. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and paused. He was watching me. "What?" I asked.

"I don't exactly know this place that well. Did you have anywhere in mind that you felt comfortable?" he asked.

I thought about it for a second, and tried not to panic. _Is Edward Cullen asking me on a date? No, we're just talking. He deserves to explain, right? Not really. It is a date then! Yes! No! _

I glanced at him quickly and his hair was a mess, still looking at me through his deep, piercing eyes. _Insert incoherent moans of delight here. _I shook my head and closed my eyes. _I must look like a crazy person. _"There's the beach, La Push. We could meet there or the swing set at the elementary school," I suggested.

"No, the beach sounds fine. I don't know how to get there, though," he said.

"I could show you. Meet me at my place. Do you know where I live?"

"I can ask Jasper, I'm sure he can tell me. What time?" he asked.

"Uh, Saturday, right?" I asked. He nodded once. "Like, eleven? Is that too late?"

"No, sounds fine." He threw his bag over his shoulder and walked around the table. He stopped once, and looked back over his shoulder. His eyes didn't look so empty, and he didn't look as frail as he had in the lunchroom. "Hey, Bella? Thanks for giving me a chance to explain. I promise I'll answer your questions." He smiled slightly and turned to walk out the lab door.

Five days. In five days, I had a quasi-date with Edward Cullen.

As I drove home, I couldn't wipe the grin from my face. I couldn't believe the day I'd. I walked into the house with my head held high and made my way upstairs. I dumped my books on my bed and sat on my window sill, looking out at the forest. I took a deep breath.

Maybe he had a good reason why he was smoking. Those exist, right? Maybe he had a prescription or something. I knew they had marijuana prescriptions in California. Maybe he had some weird disease that caused him immense amounts of pain.

As I sat in the window trying to rationalize Edward's smoking habit, my phone chirped. I dug into my pocket and pulled it out. I had a text from Alice asking if she could come over for dinner. I texted her back and hopped out of the window. I wandered downstairs and rummaged through the fridge, looking for a meal that I could throw together. I heard Alice walk in the front door and called out to her. She said hello and dashed up the stairs to drop off her bag of "girl time" and her homework. _I guess I know what I'm doing tonight._

She joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later and read my haiku.

"Seriously, Bella? That's hilarious. No wonder you were so pissy all day. I wonder what has Charlie feeling detached," she rambled. She thought of Charlie like a father and was always concerned about what his word meant.

I pulled a few things out of the fridge and a couple of cans from the pantry and began putting together a meal. Alice and I chatted about nothing in particular while I fixed dinner and waited for Charlie to get home. At ten after seven, his cruiser pulled up with a second one behind him. _Interesting. Charlie never brings anyone home with him._

A giant man with long black hair and dark skin stepped out of the second cruiser's driver side. The two men talked as they walked to the door.

"Bells, I'm home! We have company!" Charlie called from the entry way.

"Yeah, I know," I called back. As he rounded the corner, he spotted Alice and smiled.

"Hey Ali, nice to see you again. Bells, Ali, I want you to meet my beta, Billy Black. He's my second in command and a good buddy of mine down at the station. His son Jacob is a freshman this year, maybe you guys know him," Charlie said as he unloaded his gun, took off his boots and emptied his pockets.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Black. This is my friend, Alice," I said, waving toward Alice, who was sitting in my dad's chair at the dining table. "Should I set another placement?" I asked, looking at Billy.

"Oh no, I won't be staying. I just wanted to give this to you, Bella. Your dad talks about you a lot, and I know it isn't your birthday or anything, but Jake made this last week, and it's your birthstone. I thought you might like it. It's a dream-catcher. It's supposed to catch your bad dreams if you hang it over your pillow," Billy said, taking a step closer as he held out a small circular ornament with intricate designs.

It looked like it was weaved out of thin sticks and heavy wax string with a sapphire in the middle, creating a spider web design. Two long black feathers hung from the bottom by a small thread with wooden beads. I held my hand out and he placed it delicately in my palm. "It's a tradition in our family to always give a symbol of safety to our closest friends. My daughter made one for your father, and Jake made one for you."

It was all very strange and out of the blue, but the gesture was sweet. "Uh, thank you, Sir. It's beautiful. I'll have, Ch-uh, Dad help me hang it tonight."

Billy smiled and nodded. He patted Charlie on the shoulder and shrugged. "Well, I should get going. The wife should have dinner ready soon, and there won't be much left if Jake gets to it first. Growing football star and all that," Billy said.

Charlie nodded and walked him back out, chatting about the games on TV later that night. I glanced at Alice and she snickered quietly. _That _was Jacob's father. I smirked and rolled my eyes, causing Alice to laugh a little harder. The front door closed and Alice coughed, trying to hide her laughing, and I looked up, smiling.

"Well, that was nice of him, don't you think, Bells?" Charlie asked.

I suppressed my laugh and nodded. "Definitely, Dad."

Alice turned and looked out the window, her lips tight and her cheeks flushed.

"So are you staying for dinner, Ali?" Charlie asked.

Alice jumped out of his seat and smiled politely. "Oh! Yes, if that's okay with you, Charlie?"

"Of course. You're like family here, I'd never say no to you, kiddo." Charlie took his seat at the dining table, and I set a plate down in front of him.

Alice took the chair that faced the window and thanked me for dinner as I handed her a plate and took my seat across from Charlie. We ate in silence for a while before Alice spoke up about Esme. Alice and Charlie casually talked about the hospital, Esme's design business, and Emmett's college plans as we all ate. I threw in comments here and there, but mostly let them both chat. Alice enjoyed the idea of having a father to talk to, and Charlie enjoyed the extra company from time to time to distract him from everyday life.

Charlie collected up the dishes, and Alice and I headed upstairs. She had already dumped half of the "girl time" bag's contents onto my bed and I shook my head as I hopped up, crossing my feet underneath me and leaning against the headboard. I set the dream-catcher down on my nightstand and looked at the pile of junk on the bed between Alice and I. The pink elephant from this morning was amongst the collection and I sighed.

_Should I tell her about Jasper? Should I mention my quasi-date with Edward? Will she be mad or think I'm lying about the pot?_

Alice picked up the crystal ball from the center of the pile and turned it over in her hands. "I wish I could really see the future, or even the past. Then I could know who gave me the elephant."

I chewed on my lower lip and took in a deep breath. "Or you could just ask me," I mumbled.

Alice dropped the crystal ball onto the bed and stared at me. "You know who gave it to me?" she asked excitedly.

I nodded once, still chewing my lip nervously. Alice grabbed the elephant and clutched it to her chest, scooting closer to me. "Spill! Now!"

I exhaled heavily and closed my eyes. "Jasper Hale," I whispered.

There was a loud squealing noise, followed by a gasping as the bed shook. "I, kind of might have mentioned to him that you like him," I mumbled as she squealed, hoping she wouldn't hear me.

The bouncing stopped. I opened one eye very slowly and saw Alice's jaw practically unhinged. "You what?" she shrieked.

I took a deep breath and closed my eye again. "Hear me out. Now you know I wouldn't lie to you. A few weeks back I left gym early. I was going to ream Emmett for sticking his nose in our business. I was waiting in the parking lot, next to his car, when Jasper and Edward got out of Jasper's car. They had been smoking pot, Ali." I opened my eyes and looked up at her slowly, uncertain of what her reaction would be. She was staring at me, so I continued. "Jasper was in hysterics about something that had happened or been said, and Edward looked irritated. The whole car reeked of pot, and so I confronted them about it."

"Wait, when was this? A few weeks, how long ago is a few weeks?" Alice asked.

"The day that Edward stopped you in the hallway," I mumbled.

"A few… Jesus, Bella. That's like, five or six weeks, not a few. Alright, continue."

"Anyway, I kind of went off on Edward. I said that Emmett was right, that they were losers, and said something about Edward being out of his mind. Jasper seemed interested when your name was mentioned, and I got even more ticked off. I kind of let it slip that you like him." I chewed on my lip until it was bleeding and furrowed my brows. _Please, don't hate me._

"What did he say?" she asked slowly.

"Um. Nothing really. He asked 'really?' and I told him yeah. He had a giant grin, but that could have been the weed. They were lit out of their mind, Ali."

"So, he gave me this elephant after he found out that I like him," she said slowly. I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head.

"He likes you too," I said, helping her put it together a little faster.

She began squealing again and I shook my head. "They're druggies, Alice. He isn't good for you. Remember the shit that Rose said that night at your party? It makes a bit more sense, doesn't it?" I asked.

Alice quieted down and sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I can't help it though, Bella. I really kind of like him. I mean, people change, right? I could tell him I won't date him if he keeps smoking. Maybe he will stop."

I suppressed my snort and shook my head. _Men won't change for a woman unless it gets them laid, and even then, it's only temporary. _"Alice, Emmett would kill you both, remember? Give it time. Let him flirt and give you gifts and keep his distance. Maybe once Emmett and Rose are gone, he'll change. Just give it time. Don't rush into this like you did with Kirk, or Eric, or Tyler, or—"

"Okay, Bella. I get your point," Alice said, rolling her eyes.

"Maybe you should give the present back or something," I suggested.

"What, why? That would be like some weird form of Indian Giving, or reverse Santa or something. I can't give him back a present," she scoffed.

I burst out laughing at her logic and sayings. Alice wasn't the brightest, but she said the most unbelievable shit sometimes. "No, I mean so that he knows that _you _know that it was him. Alright, so don't give it back, but find a way to let him know that you know who gave it to you."

"Oh… good point," she said slowly, tapping her chin. "What do you suggest?" she asked.

I shrugged and thought about it for a minute. I got a random idea and burst out laughing.

"What?" Alice asked, excited.

"Give him a bag of peanuts. You know, the kind still in the shell."

Alice laughed and nodded. "Good idea! You're such a dork," she said with a grin.

I scoffed and folded my arms. "I am not a whale's penis. You take that back!"

Alice grabbed the pillow from beside her and smacked me with it. "Dork!" she said again, louder.

"Am not!" I cried, grabbing my pillow and smacking her back.

"Are too, dork!"

"Are not, Penguin!"

"Penguin?" she asked, completely confused.

"Don't ask," I mumbled, turning bright red.

"No, really. Why penguin?" she asked, laughing.

"Well, you know the Mr. Peanut guy with the monocle and the cane?"

"Yeah…"

"He looks like the anorexic version of the Penguin, from Batman," I mumbled.

Alice continued to stare at me, completely confused.

"You know… elephant… peanuts… Mr. Peanut… monocle and cane… The Penguin?"

Alice bent over and laughed so hard that the entire bed shook. I beat her with the pillow again and started laughing as well. _Alright, so it's a little far of a stretch, but it made sense in my head._

As Alice and I calmed down, I thought about telling her about Edward.

"You're so random sometimes," Alice muttered as she took deep breaths.

"I know, right?" I said as I chuckled. Alice laughed again and shook her head.

"They say laughter makes you live longer. I swear, with you around, I'll live forever," Alice said with a grin.

I hit her gently with the pillow and smiled back.

My iPod shuffled to a song from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack and I recognized it immediately. I began thinking of Edward and all the different things he could possible say to me on Saturday. I remembered when he told me we shouldn't be friends and my heart sank. Maybe we weren't meant to be anything. What if he wanted to tell me he was addicted to pot because he liked to lose himself in drugs instead of facing reality? What if _I_ couldn't be _his_ friend?

"Maybe once Emmett and Rose leave, Jasper will ask me out, and you can get to know Edward. Maybe this was like fate or something. You and Edward can get to know each other, Jasper and I can go out, maybe even double date. It's like destiny in the making; being hit by good luck after all of the crap life has dealt us," Alice said after a long silence.

"Maybe… or maybe this will all end badly, just like all the rest of the memories we've left behind."

_"You think you're smart?  
You're not, It's plain to see,  
that you want me to fall off.  
It's killing me.  
Let's see, you've got the gall.  
Come take it all."_  
~Wayne Static "Not Meant For Me"


	13. Ch13: Hello, Like Days

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. No copyright infringement intended. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and AFWife]_

**A/N: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Evanescence - "Hello" and "Breathe No More" and theSTART - "Like Days"

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

***Warning. Illegal drug use, and mild language. This chapter deals with severe insomnia, retrograde amnesia and PTSD.*  
**

* * *

_"If I smile and don't believe.  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream.  
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken."_  
~Evanescence - "Hello"

**Hello, Like Days  
Chapter Thirteen  
EPOV**

I stared up at my ceiling and exhaled slowly. _Why does life have to be such a confusing son of a bitch? _This Ambien shit was really screwing with my head. I thought about telling Carlisle about the side effects, but realized that I would have to tell him about my dreams. _That's not going to happen._

I glanced at my alarm clock and groaned; I still had forty minutes before I was supposed to get up for school. I thought about rolling over and trying to go back to sleep, but my most recent dream was enough incentive to avoid sleep altogether for a while. I climbed out of bed, grabbed my pack of cigarettes and stepped out onto my balcony. It was the first week of April, and Mother Nature had decided to let it rain every day of the week so far. The early morning mist touched my shoulders, and I shuddered from the cold. I lit up and took a long drag as I leaned against the railing.

Carlisle had already left for work. The hospital put him on the earlier shift in the middle of March and hadn't switched him back yet. They said it would just be for a couple of weeks – that was four weeks ago. He wasn't very happy, but I was. It meant that he wasn't here when I woke up screaming in the early morning, and he wasn't around when school let out to know if I had ditched or not.

I finished my cigarette and walked back inside. I turned off the alarm on my iPod dock and hit play. A somber piano melody flowed from the speakers and I closed my eyes. I had listened to this song so many times when I was fifteen. I was still a kid when everything happened. My life was turned upside down, and I didn't even know who I was supposed to be. Nothing brought me comfort because nothing was familiar. The only thing I found solace in was music.

Later I turned to drugs, but that never filled the void either – even sex was meaningless. I never liked a girl, only the idea of being with her. Pressed up against a warm body in a dark place while they gasp your name and beg for more… I felt wanted. I'd never felt really _wanted_ by anyone.

So imagine my surprise when Bella Swan told me "she just wanted to get to know me." That sobered me up quick. Sure, the screaming helped, and the drive home and panic attack solidified everything, but I was thoroughly surprised and speechless when she said she wanted to get to know me six weeks ago.

_Then I went and fucked everything up… like always._

I shook my head as if it would clear my thoughts and pinched the bridge of my nose. _Stop thinking so much._

I took my time getting dressed, actually checking if the shirt was clean and digging through the laundry basket for wrinkle-free pants. I don't know why I gave such a damn. The rain would mess everything up anyway, but a small part of me thought Bella might notice I had taken extra care with my appearance today.

Once I was dressed, I checked my face in the mirror and groaned. _Why am I giving a shit about my clothes when my main feature looks like hell?_ Five minutes of cold water, face washing and teeth brushing and I didn't look so bad. I dug around in the medicine cabinet for the eye drops and cringed when I found them. I hated putting anything into my eyes. I'd never be able to handle wearing contacts – thank God for good eyesight.

I spritzed on some cologne, pocketed my cigarettes, fumbled with my keys and grabbed my bag. I made my way down the stairs and sat down on the last step. I laced up my Doc Marten's and headed outside, locking the door behind me. The rain had already started to fall steadily so I ran to my car quickly, clicking the button far too many times and making it beep excessively. I tossed my bag onto the passenger side and climbed in the Volvo.

I fidgeted with the stereo, putting in _Evanescence's_ most recent album, and hit play. The drive to school was slow, but at least I remembered most of it this time. As the weeks of being on Ambien had passed, I found it harder and harder to remember small details, such as driving to school, or my morning routine. The effect it had on my memory really freaked me out, but I tried to live through the weeks in a haze and not pay attention to it.

When I arrived at school, I realized I was earlier than usual. I skipped the CD ahead and took a deep breath. The faint screams of the live audience quickly died out as the lead singer began to sing.

Carlisle had brought all of the music he could find in my parent's house to the hospital for me to listen to. He thought that something might help jog my memory, but it never did. This live track always felt familiar, however. I even knew some of the words the first time I played it in the hospital when I couldn't sleep one night, but I never told him that.

_"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever. And all of this will make sense when I get better."_

I hummed along to the music and closed my eyes. I lost myself in the song, and was startled when there was a tapping on my window. I jumped, looked out the fogged-up window and rolled my eyes.

Jasper.

I hit stop on the CD player and turned the car off. I grabbed my bag, pulled out my keys and checked my eyes in the rear-view mirror before getting out. "Hey man," I mumbled as I closed the door behind me.

"Hey, you look better. Get some good sleep, finally?" Jasper asked.

I shrugged, hitching my bag higher onto my back, and dug my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. "Not really. Less, actually. I just had more time to get ready."

"So, no change then?"

I shook my head and kept my eyes straight ahead.

"You should really mention it to your uncle."

"And when I want some advice, I'll ask for it. Thanks anyway."

"Hey, just looking out for you."

"I know," I mumbled. I put in my combination, stuffed my biology and government books in my locker and closed it. "Thanks, Jazz."

Jasper shrugged with a slight smile on his face. We hadn't been the best of friends lately. I'd been pretty moody and short tempered, and he'd been really depressed. I think shit with his mom or dad had gotten worse in the past few weeks, but I didn't know how to ask. That didn't seem like something guys talked about. It's definitely not something I would have discussed with Laurent, but then again, Laurent was never a "friend."

I struggled with different ways of asking and decided I would bring it up during lunch. We strolled to first period in silence, setting the tone for the rest of the day. Morning classes went by slowly as usual, and I struggled to stay awake like I always did. I scribbled lyrics on the cardboard backing of one of my spiral notebooks whenever I felt my lids begin to grow heavy.

Fourth period was a major bitch. My limbs felt awkward, and I was completely uncoordinated from the lack of good sleep. Coach Clapp picked up on my shitty playing and called me off to the side.

"Cullen, are you doing alright? Your participation has been going down in the past few weeks, and you look… malnourished. Should I call your uncle and have him give you a checkup?" Clapp asked.

"No, he's aware of my current condition. We're working out different medications, and I'm just having some trouble with the side effects."

"If it's anything required on a daily basis, the school needs to be aware. Do they have a supply for emergencies?" he asked.

"It's nothing like that. It's for sleep," I clarified.

"Oh. Well, you need to pull it together if you want to pass this semester. I know you had an A back in Chicago, but you still need to pull a good grade here. You're riding the low C line, Cullen. Just be aware of that," he said sternly.

I nodded and looked away awkwardly. Failing junior year would seriously suck. He was right; I really did need to pull my act together. I had been drifting through the past few weeks in a fog. I really couldn't tell you what we were studying in any of my classes.

He clapped a hand on my shoulder and nodded. "Go hit the showers. You're excused for the day. Just try and get more rest."

I jogged to the men's locker room, dressed quickly and headed for the cafeteria. When Jasper slid in across from me, he just stared at me.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked.

I chuckled quietly and nodded. I took a bite of the apple and looked up at him. "What?" I asked with a full mouth.

"Nothing, just… nothing," he said slowly.

A few minutes of silence passed and I worked up the courage to ask him about his mood. "So, things okay with you? I mean, you've been kind of… emo lately. Your dad home?"

Jasper sat motionless for a second, not meeting my gaze. I looked down awkwardly and stabbed the cherry tomato.

"No, he hasn't come home for three weeks." He rolled his shoulders back and peeled a pepperoni off his pizza slowly. "Mom's been in her room most days, and Rose comes home late. Life's great. Thanks for asking."

I tried to determine how much was sarcasm and how much he was actually happy about, but I couldn't be certain. Jasper was always good at hiding his feelings and picking up on everyone else's.

"I didn't mean to pry, I was just curious. I'm sorry, man." I ate the tomato on my spork quickly, and shuffled the last two around my plate.

After a long silence, Jasper cleared his throat. "So, are you going to the Junior Prom?"

"No. I don't even know when it is," I said as I took a sip of water.

"This Saturday. You really don't pay attention, do you?"

Saturday. _This_ Saturday. The same Saturday I asked Bella to go to the beach with me. Did that mean she didn't have a date? What if she did have a date and was going to want to leave early so she could get ready?

"Edward?"

"What? Oh. Sorry. Prom. No, I don't pay attention to school events. I have no interest in any of them."

"What about spring break?" Jasper asked.

"Uh… when is that, again?"

"Next Wednesday."

"Right. Yeah, no plans. Why, do you have something in mind?" I asked.

"Well, I was thinking of heading up to Seattle to see a few shows and check out the EMP."

"EMP?"

"Experience Music Project. It's like this huge museum inspired by the early rock music. There are a few other music museums I want to check out that I haven't seen yet. I finally have enough cash to see a few of them this year," Jasper said rather excitedly.

I had forgotten he was so into music. It sounded like it could be interesting. The word "museum" meant "extremely boring" to me, however, but I trusted Jasper to not send us on some lame ass tour.

"Sure, that sounds like it could be cool. Maybe I can get Carlisle to put us up in a hotel for a few days so we don't have to drive back and forth so much," I suggested.

"That would be awesome. Let me know what he says, I can see about pitching in some for the cost."

I nodded and glanced down at my phone for the time. Lunch was nearly over. "I'll see you in sixth period," I said as I stood. Jasper nodded and went back to picking his pizza apart. I threw my plate away and headed to my locker, avoiding the rain as much as possible. I made it to the classroom before Bella, and sat down facing toward the door so I could watch for her without looking too conspicuous.

The moment she walked in, I felt her eyes on me. She slid onto her stool beside me and glanced in my direction. I smiled faintly at her and she smiled back. _Score. _Her cheeks flushed slightly and I suppressed my grin. _Double score._

Mr. Banner explained that we would be watching a movie for a few days, followed by a lab project in class on Friday and a test on Monday covering the material. Bella and I glanced at each other at the mention of the lab project. I enjoyed the projects because they gave me a chance to talk to Bella without seeming weird by seeking her out. Maybe the project on Friday would be a way for us to get talking before Saturday. We hadn't spoken in six weeks, and there was still tension between us.

When Mr. Banner left to retrieve the TV, Bella turned toward me. "Yesterday, I was flustered. I'm sorry if I came across as a blabbering idiot. I'm sure I look like one now as well, but anyway. Yeah. Sorry," she said in a hushed voice. Her cheeks turned a dark shade of crimson and I smiled. She bit her lip and looked down at her hands, fidgeting.

It took a second for me to really pay attention to the words she had spoken. "Wait, why did you think you sounded like an idiot?" I asked, completely confused.

"Because I asked you a stupid question, and I shouldn't have been so forward." She glanced at me before looking back down again.

I racked my brain for what question she could be referring to. "I'm still lost, Bella. Help me out here. What did you ask?"

She looked up at me with a puzzled expression. "I asked if you knew where I lived."

"And?"

"And… it was stupid. You obviously know where I live, you've been there before."

I thought back, but couldn't remember when I had been there. I'd been here for eight weeks, and I couldn't remember a lot of shit. Was I losing my memory slowly? Maybe I had a more serious problem than Carlisle thought. I began to panic as I tried to remember for the life of me when I had been to her house. _Why can't I remember?_

Bella seemed to sense my panic and reached a hand across the table. I jumped slightly at the sudden movement, my eyes focusing on hers. "Edward?"

"I… I'm sorry, but I can't remember…"

"What do you mean you can't remember?"

"I can't remember going to your house."

"You don't? It was the day I got hurt. You carried me to the nurse's office and then drove me home. You told me…"

It all clicked. I told her we couldn't be friends. That's what started this whole mess. Why was that so hard for me to remember?

Bella was still talking, but I hadn't heard anything.

"That's right. I remember," I said, cutting her off.

"Oh. Well… okay." She turned around in her seat slowly. She looked confused or upset.

"Bella, I…" I started, but Mr. Banner backed into the room and flicked the lights off before I could finish my apology. She pulled her hair over her shoulder, forming a wall between us. I sighed and pulled out my notebook, flipped to the middle and began writing.

_Bella, I'm sorry I didn't remember. I've been really messed up lately. I'm sure you'll assume it's because of my 'recreational habits' as you put it, but it isn't. I can explain it all on Saturday, I promise. You didn't sound like a blabbering idiot. Hell, I didn't remember, so I'm the idiot. Not you. Please accept my apology?_

I tore the paper out very slowly so it wouldn't make any noise. I folded it in half so the message was facing up and slid the piece of paper across the table quietly, pressing it up against her elbow. She lifted her arm up slightly and took it from me. She moved her binder in front of her to shield the paper from Mr. Banner and began to read. I wanted to reach over and tuck her hair behind her ear because it kept me from watching her expression.

She took a pencil out from her binder and began to write. I pretended to watch the video as my leg bounced nervously in anticipation of her response. After a minute or so, she lifted her elbow and slid the paper back toward me.

_Apology accepted. Will you tell me what it is though? Should I be worried? Is it legal?_

I suppressed the urge to snort at her questions. _Is it legal? Really, Bella? _I grinned instead, turning the paper over, and began my reply.

_Yes, it's legal. No, you shouldn't be worried, though I doubt that will stop you. It doesn't stop Jasper. It's a prescription. I'm sorting through a lot of things. It's hard to explain on paper. Saturday?_

I pushed the paper back and glanced at Mr. Banner. He was going through papers on his desk and not paying any attention. Bella was quick with her response.

_Fine. Saturday._

I glanced over and met her eyes. I smiled and she blushed which made me smile wider.

Saturday.

We spent the rest of class watching the movie. I even took notes in an attempt to do better in my classes. When the bell rang, Bella and I slowly collected our things and walked out of class together. She glanced at me with a half-smile across her lips and walked toward the gym. I watched as she jogged across the courtyard in the rain before I walked to sixth period.

"What took you so long?" Jasper asked as I took my seat.

"I got distracted," I said calmly. Jasper studied my expression, and I could almost hear the gears in his head, trying to think of something to say. Before he could open his mouth, the bell rang.

We took our notes and I actually paid attention to the material instead of just writing what I saw. When the final bell rang, I collected my things and walked to the lockers with Jasper. I pulled my books out and zipped up my bag. When I turned around, Bella was walking by. She glanced at me shyly and smiled, looking away quickly. I smirked and watched her as she headed toward the parking lot.

"What was that about?" Jasper asked.

"Nothing," I mumbled, pulling my bag up onto my shoulder and looking away.

"Right." Jasper shook his head and smiled as he closed his locker. "Let's go."

Jasper and I went our separate ways, agreeing to work on homework instead of smoking. Personally, I had a shit ton of studying to do.

When I got home, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and headed upstairs. I emptied my bag on the floor, sorted through my books and went to work. A little after seven, Carlisle came home and fixed himself something to eat. He never came by my room, but I could smell the food in the oven. We hadn't really talked in a few days.

I studied most of the night, only taking breaks to smoke a cigarette or get another bottle of water. When I glanced at the clock, it was one in the morning. "Fuck," I mumbled, slamming my books closed and stretching as I stood. I put all of my books back into my bag and took an Ambien pill. I decided to take a shower in the morning in hopes of waking myself up. I was supposed to allow myself at least eight hours of sleep if I took the medication, but I almost never did. I usually woke up from dreams anyway.

I set my alarm, got undressed and crawled into bed. I stared up at the ceiling and waited for the pill to kick in. After an hour of tossing and turning in a haze, I finally managed to fall asleep.

_Cold. Red. White. Salt. Murmuring. Thunder. Thud. Footsteps. Screams._

I sat up in bed quickly, panting and shivering. The dream was all mashed together in an odd sequence, like some artsy, abstract music video. I squeezed my eyes shut as I took deep breaths. My fingertips dug into the corner of my eyes, rubbing the sleep away, and I realized my music was already playing. _Why didn't it wake me up? _I glanced at the clock and narrowed my eyes. _What? _

I threw the covers back and walked to my dresser to check the clock on my phone. I had two missed calls from Jasper. I cleared the alert and stared at the time in the upper right corner. It was a quarter past nine. "Shit!"

My heart pounded in my chest as I rushed to get ready for school. I skipped the shower and threw on whatever looked reasonably clean. I quickly tied my boots, grabbed my bag, keys and cigarettes and stormed out of the house. It was pouring rain, and I nearly fell on my ass as I ran to the car.

I pulled into the school parking lot in record time and dashed to the front office.

"Late, Mr. Cullen?" Mrs. Cope asked with a smirk.

I nodded, out of breath and signed myself onto the sheet.

"Don't make it a habit," she warned as she took the sheet from me to input it into the computer.

I nodded again and left the office. I headed for second period incredibly thankful that Mrs. Goff was so nice. I pulled the door open, slipped inside and gave an apologetic look to the thirty-something teacher.

"Siento, señora Goff. Me quede dormido," I said, offering my excuse of oversleeping.

"Está bien. Tome asiento, Edward."

I took my seat like she asked and pulled out my books. I felt everyone's eyes on me, but refused to look at any of them. I got to work on copying down the material on the board and working the sentences out in the book.

Classes passed rather quickly, surprisingly. By lunch it felt like everything was back to normal. That is, until Jasper sat down.

"Where the fuck were you this morning, man?"

"I overslept."

"Well you picked a good day to miss first period. We had a pop quiz and he went over the test material for Friday."

"Fuck. Can I borrow your notes?" I asked as I tugged on my hair. Of course I missed class when he decided to cover important shit.

"Yeah, you can copy it during sixth period if you have time." Jasper pulled a sausage off his pizza and chewed slowly. I didn't understand how he could eat pizza five days a week. It wasn't even _good_ pizza. "You look like hell, man. Dreams again?" he asked.

I shrugged and took the lid off my soda and took a sip. I spun the lid on the table and ignored answering his question directly.

"Same shit?" he asked quietly.

I shrugged again and glanced over at Bella's table.

"You know, maybe it's memories from that night. Maybe your head is just trying to sort through it all. It was a traumatic event and shit, sometimes our mind tries to suppress that crap," Jasper said nonchalantly.

"You sound like Carlisle. Why these memories though? Why not anything else?" I asked, frustrated. I screwed the lid back onto the bottle, turned to the side and pulled my feet up onto the bench. I sat with my knees pressed to my chest and my back to Bella, forcing myself to not look at her.

"What do you mean? What else would you remember?" Jasper asked.

Oops.

"Nothing. Never mind." I had forgotten that I hadn't told Jasper the entire truth. I told him I didn't remember the night of the murders, but I left out the part about not remembering shit about my life before my parents were killed.

I felt Jasper's eyes on me as we sat in silence. I knew he wanted to comment on how confusing I was, but he probably knew I would just agree and not elaborate.

After a few minutes, he spoke again. "One question. No more, no less?" he asked.

I considered for a moment before nodding.

"There's a lot more to your past than just your parent's murders, isn't there?"

I slowly grabbed my soda, unscrewed the lid and took a sip. I screwed the cap back on and stared at the bottle, focusing on the bubbles of carbonation and dark color. I nodded slowly before setting the bottle back on the table. I glanced at my phone to check the time, and decided to head to class a little early. I collected my things, tossed my trash and walked to class.

Fifth period passed without a word or note between Bella and I. I took notes on the video, glanced at her constantly and smiled occasionally, but no communication. Bella left first when the bell rang, and I made my way to sixth period, thankful the day was almost over.

I copied the government notes from the board quickly, and then worked on Jasper's trigonometry notes. I managed to finish just before the bell rang and grinned triumphantly.

"So, you want to hang out today?" Jasper asked as he zipped up his bag.

"Sure, but I have to look over these notes. I'm not going to pass trigonometry if I don't study my ass off."

"That's fine. Rose is supposed to be home all day filling out the last of her college packets and I seriously don't want to be there."

We headed to the parking lot and Jasper followed me to my place. When we parked, he went to his trunk and pulled out his toolbox with his pot stash hidden inside.

"Jazz, man, not tonight. I seriously have to pass this test."

"I know. I was actually wondering if I could leave this here for the weekend? My dad is coming home tomorrow evening and… sometimes he goes through my shit. I just got a large bag from Port Angeles and I don't want him flushing it again."

His dad went through his shit? That struck me as odd, but I really wasn't in a place to comment on his father's habits. I didn't know the man. "Sure. That's fine."

We went upstairs and I put his stash in my top drawer next to where I kept my cigarettes. Jasper put on some _Depeche Mode_ and I had a cigarette. We studied for most of the night and around nine, he went home. I heard Carlisle say goodbye as he left, so I knew he was home, but he never came upstairs to say anything.

I took a shower, put my school stuff back into my bag and smoked another cigarette before taking my Ambien. After two hours of tossing and turning, I grew frustrated. _Why wasn't I able to fall asleep? Was I building up immunity? Did I need a stronger dose? _I packed a bowl and smoked out on the balcony in hopes of it making me sleepy. Two bowls later, and a mad case of the munchies, I was still wide awake.

_What the fuck? This is seriously not the time to have insomnia. _With the tests on Friday, I needed to be as alert as possible tomorrow. I glanced at the clock again and it was half past four in the morning. I wandered downstairs and turned the TV on, hoping that the screen would make my eyes tired. I found _Hackers_ on some random station that cut out the hot parts and spliced in commercial breaks. By the time it was over, it was nearly time to get ready for school. _I guess I'm not sleeping tonight. _

I ate some breakfast and went back upstairs to get dressed. By the time I got to school, I was extremely tired. My eyes hurt and I was constantly squinting. I was sure they were bloodshot, but I didn't look. Everything felt really slow, like I was living life in frame-by-frame slow motion.

I was on autopilot. I took notes in classes, but I couldn't tell you what they were about. I'm not even sure my handwriting was very legible. I felt everyone looking at me and I wanted to flip them all off, but that was just way too much effort. Coach Clapp pulled me aside during gym, but I don't remember what he said.

Jasper pretty much left me alone during lunch. I didn't buy anything to eat, just a soda for the caffeine. I rested my cheek against the cold, laminate table and waited for the bell to ring. Bella kept glancing at me and furrowing her brow during fifth period, but she never said or wrote anything. We finished watching the movie, but I didn't take notes. It took all of my focus to not fall asleep on the table.

By sixth period, my handwriting was terrible. Everything blurred together and slanted downward. I couldn't even read the board clearly. I closed my binder, frustrated, and folded my arms across the table. I laid my head down and closed my eyes.

I jumped when the bell rang, rubbed my eyes and grabbed my bag. Jasper mentioned something about having to head home because of his father, but I didn't catch it all. I nodded, waved and drove home. The rest of my afternoon passed in a complete blur. I remember smoking a lot of cigarettes and staring at the forest from the balcony. I attempted to study, but didn't get very far. Sometime before Carlisle came home, I grabbed a water and thought about food, but it was just more work than I felt up for.

Around eleven, I took an Ambien and climbed into bed. I stared at the clock as the minutes ticked by and sleep eluded me. _Why couldn't I sleep? _My body felt exhausted, and my mind couldn't focus, but I just couldn't sleep. After two hours, I smoked a few cigarettes and leaned against the railing, watching the night sky. I decided to take a few more pills. Maybe I had built up immunity and needed a higher dosage to sleep. _That happens, right?_ I shook out two more pills, downed them with some water and sat on the edge of the bed.

The room seemed to slowly spin, and my mouth was really dry. I made my way downstairs, holding on to the banister tightly and grabbed another bottle of water. I drank the entire thing while standing in front of the fridge with the door open. I grabbed a second bottle and went back upstairs. I checked my alarm clock, and then checked it again, not certain I read it right the first time. My eyes couldn't focus on the green glowing lights for shit.

I laid back down on my bed and closed my eyes. I focused on my breathing, taking slow deep breaths through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. After a while, I noticed the light had started to creep into my bedroom. I opened my eyes, squinting from the harsh light, and glanced at the clock.

"Fuck," I mumbled. It was just after five in the morning, and I still hadn't managed to get any sleep. "Fuck this."

I threw the covers back, pressed play on my iPod dock and collected up my shit for the day. _Maybe if I got my adrenaline going, and took a cold shower to shock my nerves, I could manage to stay awake through the day._ A rather fitting song began playing, and I walked back to my dock to turn it up. "Like Days" by _theSTART_ filtered through the speakers and I sang along. I walked into the bathroom, leaving the bathroom door open so I could hear the music and turned on the shower. The song ended after a few minutes and thankfully switched to another fast paced song. I finished up in the shower and wrapped the towel around my waist as I headed back into my bedroom.

As I walked through the doorway, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I jumped, stumbling backward and nearly dropped my towel. "What the fuck?"

"Wha—"

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?" I practically screamed.

Carlisle looked at my bedroom door, then back at me, then down at what was in his hands.

Jasper's toolbox. It was open.

"What the fuck are you doing going through my shit?" I asked before he had a chance to answer my first question. I walked to him quickly and grabbed the box out of his hands, slamming it closed, and tossed it back in my drawer.

"Edward, I thought you weren't doing that shit anymore!" Carlisle yelled.

"I'm not!"

"Bullshit! That's over an ounce and it's in your drawer next to your cigarettes. Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not! It's not mine. I mean, the cigarettes are mine, but the pot's not!"

"Fucking hell, Edward. Then who's the fuck is it?"

"It's Jasper's. He asked me to hold it while his dad was in town."

"And why the fuck would he ask you to do that?" Carlisle asked with a snarky attitude.

I crossed my arms over my chest and quirked an eyebrow. "Because his father doesn't understand _respect _and goes through _his shit. _Sound familiar, _Carlisle_?"

Carlisle rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Don't get pissy with me, Edward. I'm trying to help you. You know smoking that shit doesn't help you, and it could interfere with the Ambien!"

"Why don't you tell me why the fuck you're in my room at six in the morning and going through my shit?"

"Because I got a call from the school about you missing four days in three weeks and you were late yesterday. They need me to sign a slip excusing your absences because you've had more than five absences in a semester. So, since we're being _honest, w_hy don't you tell me why you're ditching school?" Carlisle looked livid. He was rarely ever _this_ pissed.

"The tardy is because I overslept. The absences are because I didn't feel good, alright?"

"Bullshit, Edward. You never get sick."

"How the fuck would you know? You haven't even said a word to me or checked on me in over a week. The only reason you knew I was even home was because my car was out front."

"Don't be a smartass, Edward. You know I've been busy—"

"So that excuses you from parental duties? Bullshit, Carlisle." I stormed into my closet and grabbed the first shirt and pair of pants I touched. I threw the towel off and pulled on a pair of boxers and walked back into my bedroom, pulling the shirt on over my head.

"Edward, talk to me. Please," Carlisle pleaded. His entire tone had changed. He followed behind me, and put his hand on my shoulder as soon as my shirt was on.

I turned and scowled at him, rolling my shoulder free from his grasp. I leaned over to step into one pantleg and the room spun. I stood hunched over for a second as I waited it out, swaying back and forth slightly.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked. He moved a step closer and gripped my shoulder again.

I growled and turned to the side, pulling away from his hand and stepped into the second pantleg. As I straightened out, I became really dizzy. I grabbed the edge of my dresser and leaned against it.

"Edward? What's wrong? Talk to me." Carlisle sounded really far away and panicked.

I turned back toward him and squinted. My heart was pounding inside my chest and felt like it was going to explode. I tried to talk, but I couldn't catch my breath. I gripped his forearm tightly and looked into his eyes. My blood pounded in my ears and everything sounded warped. I gasped for air, my eyes bulging as I panicked. I watched Carlisle's lips move, but couldn't understand what he said.

The next thing I knew, I was staring up at the ceiling as Carlisle screamed into his phone.

Then everything went black.

_"Dead and yet, I'm awake it seems,  
I'm awake and stuck in extended dream.  
Like life, like light, like days, like nights,  
that i spend moving nothing but still._

_And I might be dead, but I could be wrong.  
And I might be dead, but I could just be wrong.  
Wake me please so I can see it's, only a dream, only another dream."_  
~ theSTART – "Like Days"


	14. Ch14: Vanishing

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and AFWife]_

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: A Perfect Circle - The entire _Mer De Noms_ Cd. Alexandre Desplat - New Moon (The Meadow). A Perfect Circle - Vanishing.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

***Warning. This chapter contains serious discussion about retrograde amnesia, illegal drug use, and PTSD. ***

* * *

_"People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distraction. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown." _  
~Chuck Palahniuk

**Vanishing  
Chapter Fourteen  
BPOV**

Stupid. _Stupid. STUPID! _

How could I have been so stupid? I'd never felt like such a total and complete idiot. It turns out though, that if I hadn't apologized for being stupid, he would have never known I was being stupid in the first place.

Okay. Strike that. That was just confusing.

When I'd asked Edward if he knew where I lived, I had been so nervous that my palms were sweaty. Wasn't that something that happened to guys, not girls?

_Too many movies and books, Bella. _

_Great. Now I'm talking to myself in third person._

Well, it turns out he didn't remember driving me home that day, either. I remembered it a few hours later while lying in bed. I had been replaying the entire afternoon in my head like a daydream when I realized it. I then proceeded to spend the entire night feeling like an idiot, thinking that Edward thought I was a moron, and he had just played it cool so I wouldn't be embarrassed in public.

I don't know how I talked myself in to bringing it up on Tuesday. It was like social suicide or something. _Death by embarrassment_. _That happens, right?_ Then he didn't remember, and I started rambling_, like I always do_ and it finally clicked for him but I could see that something was wrong.

He was on something.

Wonderful.

That's when the note passing started. I tried to be nice, and I think it worked, but inside I was seething that he was still doing drugs. He said it was legal – a prescription – but I had my doubts. Who would give out a prescription that made someone look like… well, let's just say Edward didn't look good lately. Even Jasper was looking bad lately. Maybe they were both doing it together?

_Alright, just stop thinking, Bella. Always assuming the worst. They're not your concern._

I huffed and tried to push Edward out of my thoughts. It was Friday and I was still feeling stupid about Tuesday. So many other things had happened, so why did my mind keep returning to Edward?

I sighed, avoiding the question, and thought about Alice instead. She was mad at me for turning Yorkie down for the prom, and he was a senior. She argued that he could take me to both proms; junior and senior, and then I could go to Senior Prom again next year. She squealed at the idea of going to multiple proms, whereas I cringed.

She was still pretty hung up on Jasper, but she wasn't crazy enough to let Rose or Emmett even think that they were friends. She had resolved to wait until the summer to start talking to him, but that didn't mean she wouldn't stop talking _about_ him and what he was wearing or how he looked at her.

I couldn't silence my mind long enough to really sleep, so I tossed and turned and finally got out of bed around five in the morning. I felt ill and I didn't know why, so I took a warm shower in hopes of feeling better. It helped, but I still felt out of it – not myself. I took my time getting ready for school, passing the time slowly and really wishing it was the weekend.

I twisted my hair as I dried it, putting a gentle wave into a few strands sporadically. Alice showed me how a few months back, but I never took the time; I preferred sleeping in. I sighed at the idea of having to listen to her whine about not seeing _him_ during spring break as I turned off the blow dryer and began brushing my teeth. Charlie had already gone to work, and I really didn't feel up for breakfast. He had been going in early the past few days because of some crime spree in Seattle. Why an officer from Forks had to help with an investigation in a city over two hours away was beyond me.

I finished up in the bathroom, grabbed my iPod and bag, and headed downstairs. I stared at the white board for almost fifteen minutes, trying to think of how to put my feelings into words. Charlie had written the word anxious for yesterday, and I envied the fact that he only had to come up with one word.

_New beginnings; start.  
Past is linked to our future.  
But who draws the line?_

I searched through my iPod for A Perfect Circle's _Mer De Noms CD, _and pressed playbefore I put the key in the ignition. The engine roared to life as the first song on the album hummed in my ears. The drive to school was calming after the long, restless night I had. When I parked, I noticed that Jasper's car was already there, but Edward's wasn't. I ignored Jasper's gaze as he stood leaning against his car and walked straight to my locker with my head down.

"So if you aren't going to the prom tomorrow, did you want to do something? Hang out maybe? Catch a movie?" Alice asked as I closed my locker door. She was holding her first period book close to her chest and pulling on her lower lip. She looked upset. _Really _upset, and not the whiney, "my eyeliner pencil broke" kind of upset. I fought back the urge to change the subject and ask her what was wrong.

"I… I can't, actually. I promised someone something," I said, stuttering and trying to avoid any specifics.

It didn't work.

"Who?" she asked, shaking on my arm. Her eyes were wide, and she was sporting her enthusiastic grin. At least she didn't look so glum anymore. "Come on! Tell me, Bella!"

I sighed, rolling my eyes as a smirk slid up one side of my mouth. I couldn't control it. "Edward," I mumbled, my cheeks instantly warm at the mere mentioning of his name.

"No way!" Alice shrieked. She squealed a bit as she bounced on her toes and then quickly looked back and forth to make sure no one was listening. "Tell me _everything. _Lunch!"

"Ali," I groaned, coming to a stop in front of her first period class.

"Bella, please?" she whined, but the smirk was still as wide as ever.

I huffed, pulling my book closer to my chest and looked down. "Fine."

The same high pitched squeal rang in my ears a second before the actual bell rang. Alice's face turned from excited to horrified. "Crap!" she said before turning to run down the hall to class.

I chuckled as I took my seat. Class was easy; Friday's usually were if I had spent the week studying properly. My only concern was trigonometry third period and fifth period with Edward, but for entirely different reasons.

After class, I gathered my things and headed for third period. While walking across the campus, I spotted Jasper under one of the trees, typing something out on his phone. He looked really frantic or upset, but I couldn't quite tell. He looked up suddenly, glancing in all directions as he stood up on his tiptoes to get a better view. He huffed and ran his fingers through his hair before slipping his phone back into his pocket angrily. He pulled his back-pack higher up his shoulders and stormed off toward the first building.

It didn't take rocket science to figure out who he was probably texting. Chances were it was the person I hadn't seen all morning. _Edward._

I slipped through the door for class seconds before the bell and took my seat. I took my time with the trigonometry test, using up the entire class period to triple check my answers. Even with all the time I had put in to it, I still didn't feel confident. Something felt wrong, off kilter, and I couldn't shake the edginess I'd had since I woke up. I could only hope the day got better.

Spanish was relatively stress free; it was during lunch that my nerves started to kick in. Alice wanted me to tell her about my non-date with Edward tomorrow, but I didn't know how much I could tell without it being too personal or breaking his trust.

"Spill everything!" she exclaimed as she slid her tray on the table and took her seat.

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. _Here goes. _"Alright, so he said something to me on Monday during fifth period and we got talking. He apologized and then… well, it's hard to explain. He said that if I went out with him, somewhere more private, that he would answer my questions." I chewed on my lip nervously.

"But what is he going to tell you? Is it a date? Is it like twenty questions with no restrictions?" Alice began spewing questions faster than I could open my mouth to respond to them.

"Slow down, Alice! No, it's not a date. Don't use that word. It's dirty." I took a deep breath and looked down at my lap. "He didn't say what questions; he just said that he will answer them in a more private setting. Look, please don't tell anyone about this, especially him. I don't want him to think he can't trust me with his secrets." I looked at her sternly as she wiggled in her seat, clearly not paying attention to my request.

"You have to ask him about Jasper!" she whispered enthusiastically.

I rolled my eyes again and pulled my backpack onto the bench beside me. I had just retrieved my pen and notebook so I could start making a list of questions when someone cleared their throat beside me. I jumped in my seat, dropping my pen as I glanced to my right side.

His clothes looked more wrinkled and dirty than usual, and his hands were slightly shaking with scrapes across his knuckles. As my eyes trailed up, I gasped. "What happened to your lip?"

Jasper looked down, his jaw clenching and unclenching as if he were forcing himself to not say anything. He bent down quickly, tucking his honey locks behind one ear as he stood with my pen in his hand. "You dropped this," he said in a tense whisper.

"Thanks," I said softly, my eyes never leaving his face. "Jasper?" I asked, reminding him of my question.

"It's nothing. Look, have you heard from Edward at all? Not just today, but at all recently?" he asked. He was jittery and glancing around the cafeteria at the exits. He looked _really_ upset.

"Uh, no. I haven't. Well, Monday and Tuesday in class, yeah, but not since. Why? Jasper, what's wrong?" I glanced at Alice. She had a look of shock and concern. I frowned when she looked at me, and she nodded her head. _She was worried too._

"What did he say those days? I need to know everything, Bella. Please, it's important."

"I, well, it's kind of private—"

"Fuck private!" he spat. He ran his fingers through his hair and huffed. He was clearly freaked out, and it was freaking me out.

"Um, he asked me to go with him to La Push tomorrow. He told me he would explain everything then and he apologized. He mentioned he was taking a prescription for something, but wouldn't say what. He said for me not to worry about it. What's going on?"

"Did he act weird? Did he cancel the plans? Anything?" he asked, pushing for more in-depth answers I still couldn't understand the point of.

"No, not really. He looked tired and really out of it. He didn't remember driving me home that day I got hurt, but when I reminded him, it clicked, I think. It was kind of strange. That's when he told me he was taking stuff," I told him as I got to my feet, zipping up my backpack. "Look, Jasper, whatever is wrong, I really wish you would just say it. Edward was going to tell me tomorrow, so it's not like you're betraying his trust or anything."

"Fuck trust. I don't even know where he is. He was late Wednesday, but this isn't like him. Usually if he ditches, he texts me and we get high together, but he won't respond to my texts. He knew today we had big tests, and he was freaking out about them the other day. Something doesn't feel right." Jasper pulled his phone from his pocket as he licked over his bruised, split lip. He flinched slightly at the contact but didn't make a noise. He shoved his phone back in his pocket and closed his eyes.

"We'll help you look for him after school," Alice said from beside me. I hadn't notice her get up and come around the table. I glanced at her and smiled, nodding my head.

"Yeah, we'll meet you in the parking lot after school. I have p.e. so I can get out early."

"Yeah, and I can just give Bella my bag between fifth and sixth and then excuse myself to the restroom near the end of class. Let us help, Jasper," Alice said calmly.

Jasper took a deep breath and nodded. "Alright. I swear, if the fucker is just lying in bed and ignoring his phone, you guys are helping me bury a body, not find it," he said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Just try and calm down," I said quietly. "We'll figure it out. I know he's your friend." I glanced around the room as a thought struck me. "Shit, you should go, if Rose or Emmett see us talking, it'll be Alice and my head for sure."

Jasper shook his head and hitched his thumb over his shoulder. "They're out by the tree by third building. She came home really late and got into it with my dad, and now she's getting into it with Emmett. They won't be coming in here. I wouldn't have talked to you guys if they were around," he said, the tone in his voice indiscernible. _Guilt, maybe?_

"Yeah, Emmett got into it with Mom last night when he came home late," Alice said to no one in particular.

"What was it about?" Jasper asked.

"College. Mom thinks that Emmett is pushing Rose to turn Stanford down and go to Berkeley because that's where he got accepted. They aren't that far apart. He could easily drive to see her, but Emmett said that had nothing to do with it. I don't know what happened after that. They went into the garage, and I couldn't hear."

"Stanford is where my father went to college. If Rose got accepted with a full scholarship and she turns it down for Berkeley, she might not live long enough to attend," Jasper said bitterly. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic about the living part or not, and it kind of frightened me. "They got into it about her being out late, and she argued that she was eighteen. He pulled the 'my house, my rules' card, and she pulled the 'never home, doesn't matter' card, and then I kind of… well." He shuffled his feet and looked down at the ground as he licked over his busted lip again. He rubbed the back of his neck before hitching his bag higher up onto his shoulder. "Anyway. Yeah, if Rose is turning down Stanford, things could get ugly. I know she got accepted to Berkeley as well, but family tradition and all that."

My heart broke a little at the thought of Jasper's dad hitting him for standing up for his sister. He didn't come right out and say it, but it all made sense. I wanted to hug him and tell him it would all be alright, but I didn't know Jasper that well anymore; it wasn't like when Rose and I were little girls and we played dress up and make believe with him.

Everything had been so simple back then.

"The bell is going to ring soon. You should get your books, Bella," Alice said.

I nodded and bit the inside of my cheek. "Alright, but you need to let Emmett know I'm driving you home. I doubt he'll argue, if he's already going at it with Rose and Esme. Meet me by the gym with your bag between classes and I'll stash it in my locker. Jasper, meet us in the parking lot at twenty after, alright?"

He nodded and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Bella, how much do you know about his past?" Jasper asked nervously.

"Um, not much. He mentioned his parents are dead, but not much else. Why?"

He shook his head and glanced at the cafeteria door. "Just curious." He looked back and his expression had changed drastically. He looked extremely sad or confused. "Thanks for agreeing to help," he added quietly before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around me. It was extremely awkward, but kind of touching at the same time. He pulled away and reached down to hug Alice just as quickly. He looked away when he broke the contact, and his jaw was tense again. "Alright, see you guys later," he said before walking away.

Alice and I watched as his form pushed through the doorway with haste before glancing at each other. Alice's eyes were wide, and I could practically hear her thoughts screaming at me.

"Yes. He hugged you. Get all giggly later. You have to talk to Emmett and get to class," I said with a gentle smirk.

She nodded, squealing only slightly as she hugged me. "See you in the parking lot," she said quickly before dashing out the same door Jasper had just exited through.

I left for my locker, pulled all of my boos out and headed for class. As I walked to fifth period, I realized that I would be doing the lab by myself.

_Wonderful. Cullen better have a good excuse for being absent today. _

I took a seat on my stool, pulled out my notes and book, and began skimming. If I had to do this on my own, I definitely needed to study more than I had. Mr. Banner took role and passed out the lab directions. He paused at my desk and frowned.

"I won't hold it against you if you don't finish the exercise, Miss Swan. This lab is designed for two people to delegate the work and both manage their time efficiently. I do not expect you to finish by the allotted time by yourself. Just do as much as you can, and that will suffice," he said quietly.

I nodded and took the microscope. "Thank you, Mr. Banner."

I looked over the material and got to work. By the end of the period, I had managed to complete the assignment, but only barely. I was writing down the concluding statement as the rest of the students filled out of the room.

"Miss Swan?"

"One second, Mr. Banner. Almost done," I said as I scribbled frantically.

"Miss Swan, class is over. Don't worry about it. Like I said, I knew you wouldn't finish."

"Oh, but I did. I'm just finishing up the concluding statement." I skimmed the page, making sure my name was at the top and smiled. "There." I grabbed my bag and the sheet of paper and walked to his desk. "Finished," I said with a smile as I set it on top of the stack.

Mr. Banner scanned the page and his mouth dropped open. "I'm very impressed, Miss Swan. I truly didn't expect for you to finish. I'll be sure to give you extra marks for completing both individuals' duties by yourself. You should get to your last class, however, before you're late."

"Thank you, Mr. Banner," I said excitedly. _Extra credit! _I could definitely use that. Today was looking slightly better; if only it would continue and we found Edward in good time and completely fine.

I met Alice by the gym and took her backpack. I reminded her to use the hole in the gate behind the second building to get off campus and meet me by my truck. We hugged, and she ran to class.

I was really anxious in gym. I kept glancing at the clock and running extra slow. Coach Clapp didn't notice anything, though; I'm pretty sure he wanted to go home just as bad as the rest of us by sixth period. At ten after, I slipped through the side door of the gym and made my way to the locker room. I quickly changed, grabbed both bags and snuck out the door. Since I was nearest to the parking lot, I could see that neither Jasper nor Alice were there yet, but I still had to climb the fence and cross the field.

I hated climbing fences. My coordination wasn't good with two feet on the ground, so when I had to use all four limbs to move my body vertically, the odds weren't in my favor. I gave myself a mental pep talk for a few minutes, taking slow breaths. Once I felt ready, I lowered the straps on my bag so that it hung against my hips, and tightened Alice's so that it sat on my shoulders and began climbing. I made it to the top without incident, but when it came time to swing my legs over the fence, my luck ended.

My pantleg got caught on the other side, and I couldn't pull it free. The bags were throwing my balance off, and I pulled myself closer to the fence, trying to keep steady. I let go with one hand to try and free my jeans, but I couldn't reach. I tugged, but my arms were starting to shake from holding my weight up and the adrenaline was rushing through my body and turning into panic. I tried another forceful tug, and the material ripped free, catching me off-guard and off balance.

I fell backward, the back of my thigh scrapping along the top of the fence and stinging painfully as I flailed my arms. The bags pushed against my back hard as I hit something just before I connected with the ground.

"Ooph! Shit!" a familiar voice said from beneath me.

A second later I realized the pale arms wrapped around me and familiar dirty jeans beneath me. "Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Jasper!" I said as I rolled to the side, pulling away from his arms.

"Don't apologize, I tried to catch you. It was my own fault. Are you okay?" he asked as he slowly stood up and offered me his hand.

I took it, and he pulled me up quickly; our chests pressing against the others slightly. I took a step back as my face heated up from blushing. I nodded and brushed myself off. "Thanks," I mumbled with a smile.

"Don't mention it. Next time, I would advise against climbing fences, however. You and Edward both seem to lack skills in that area," he said with a chuckle. "Come on, I think I saw Alice sneaking out behind the second building."

I nodded and held the straps of the bags on my shoulder tightly. _Edward can't climb fences either? _The image of him falling on his ass brought a smile to my face, but I suppressed my laughter. We jogged across the field to the parking-lot and sure enough, Alice was sitting on the back of my truck with the tail-gate down. When she spotted us, she hopped off, closed the gate and walked to the passenger side door.

"Just follow me," Jasper said before jogging to his car.

I unlocked my door and reached across to unlock Alice's side. She smiled brightly and buckled up without a word. I tossed our bags on the floor in front of her and put the keys in the ignition.

My truck could only manage about sixty miles per hour, but Jasper wasn't going over thirty-five, so I kept up just fine. Alice played with the radio tuner as I drove and smiled triumphantly when she found a good station. When we pulled off the road and onto a dirt path a few minutes later, I was confused. _I thought we were going to Edward's house?_

It didn't take long for my thought to be replaced with shock. The house standing before us was huge. As we rounded the corner, the trees thinned and a gigantic white house with a porch and garage easily just as big as the house came in to view.

"Holymansion Batman!" Alice said excitedly. She leaned forward in her seat as if it would give her a better view and her eyes traveled up the height of the house. _How did we not know about this house before?_

Jasper pulled up to the front, not really parking anywhere in particular, so I did the same. I cut the engine and hopped out of the truck quickly. I noticed Edward's car was parked a little ways away and felt relieved. _He's home. _

Jasper was already jogging to the garage door and standing on his tiptoes to look in the glass windows. "Carlisle's car is gone," he said loudly as he jogged up to the front door. He tried the handle, and, surprisingly enough, it was unlocked. He stepped inside, Alice and I only a few feet behind him. From the moment we walked through the door, we could hear faint music playing upstairs.

"Motherfucker, I swear to God if your ass is lying around, I'm going to hurt you," Jasper said loudly as he took the stairs two at a time.

I glanced back at Alice who looked just as confused as I felt. We hurried up the stairs behind him and followed him to the doorway at the end of the hall. Jasper came to a sudden halt as he looked inside the room. The music was much louder, and I recognized it instantly. It was rather ironic considering I had been listening to the band all morning. _Vanishing _by A Perfect Circle had just started, blaring from his stereo in the corner.

Jasper walked to the stereo quickly and turned the dial down. Alice and I stepped hesitantly through the doorway and looked around. _Edward was rich. _Not like millionaire rich, but he was well off. His room was relatively tidy for a teenage male, at least compared to Emmett's room, and he seemed to have _some_ organizational skills. His bathroom and closet doors were both open, but I decided to not be so nosy and looked away.

"Oh fuck," Jasper said quietly as he walked to the dresser by the sliding door. _He has his own balcony? Jesus. _"Why would my toolbox be out and opened?" Jasper said out loud, though it seemed like he was talking to himself. He rummaged through the contents, shaking his head slightly. He looked confused.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"I asked Edward to hold my stash for me. It's a long story. Anyway, he put it in his dresser, but now it's sitting on top and open but untouched. It's not like him to leave shit out in the open, especially with his door open."

I walked to the sliding door and pulled it open. There was nothing out there. No chairs, no tables – nothing. I slowly stepped outside and looked around. _Maybe he's outside and we didn't see him? _I scanned the edge of the forest and leaned over the rail to look along the side of the house. _Still nothing._

"Edward?" I called out, cupping my hands to my mouth. I waited. _Nothing. Where the hell is he?_

"Maybe he's somewhere else in the house?" Alice asked in the room.

I walked back inside, closing the door behind me and heading for the hallway. Jasper was exiting the bathroom, shaking his head, and Alice had stepped out of his walk in closet. They followed me down the hall, opening a few doors and peeking inside. When we walked into the kitchen after searching the entire house, we all huffed in frustration – there was still no sign of him. It was starting to feel a little bizarre being in someone else's house without their permission, especially when they couldn't be found.

"Where the hell could he be? His car is still here," Jasper said as he sighed. I could see that he was getting worried, but it didn't make sense.

"Why are you so freaked out over this, Jasper?" I asked, my mouth completely ignoring my brain-filter.

Jasper looked away awkwardly. "He's the only friend I've had in a long time – since Crowley, anyway."

I didn't know what he was referring to, but I could see it was a touchy subject. Tyler Crowley was an ass – that much I knew – but I didn't know that Jasper had been friends with him before. I put the thought in the back of my mind and nodded. "I can understand," I said honestly. If Alice had missed school and then avoided my calls and texts, I would be storming into her room the moment sixth period let out.

We all looked at each other awkwardly, like we didn't know what to do. A moment of silence passed, and I racked my brain to think up another idea. Just as I opened my mouth, Jasper's phone rang.

He pulled it out of his pocket so fast, he almost dropped it. We all stared at the small piece of plastic in his hands as he hesitated.

"Well, answer it!" Alice said.

"Is it him?" I asked at the same time.

Jasper shook his head. "No," he said, furrowing his eyebrows. "I don't recognize the number."

"Answer it anyway!" Alice said impatiently.

Jasper hit the green button and held it up to his ear.

"Hello?" he said nervously.

The voice was muffled on the other side, but I could tell it was a male.

"This is he."

Alice and I glanced at each other with wide eyes.

"Wait, what?" Jasper said quickly, taking a shaky breath. "He what?" he said even more quickly. "No, no, of course. What do you need to know?" He was shaking his head and rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He looked up at me and Alice and I opened my eyes wider as I took a step forward. I opened my mouth to try and ask him what was being said, but he held a finger to his lips. "I, well, uh. Yeah. He's been smoking a bit, but not very much lately. He hasn't touched anything else though, I would know if he had."

There was a long pause and Jasper's face grew more concerned. I was dying to know what was being said.

"He's been taking that prescription regularly, even though I told him he should stop. He wasn't sleeping well even with the medication, and his dreams were getting worse." There was another short pause and Jasper seemed to silently cuss. "He never mentioned the dreams?" he asked hesitantly. A few moments later he sighed into the phone and nodded. "Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can," he said before hanging up.

"Well? Who was it?" Alice asked.

"What did they say?" I asked quickly.

"It was Carlisle. We're going to the hospital," he said as he shoved the phone back in his pocket and pulled out his keys.

"Wait, what? The hospital?" I asked. I was really beginning to freak out now.

"Yeah, Carlisle needs to ask me some questions, and it's just easier face-to-face."

I tugged on the back of Jasper's shirt and he turned around quickly, narrowing his eyes. "Tell me what the fuck is going on!" I demanded, officially freaked out.

Jasper sighed and looked down. "Edward's in the hospital. He's… in a coma. Carlisle said he passed out this morning, and they can't get him to wake up. He needs me to answer some questions about what Edward's been taking, both legally and illegally."

My mouth was hanging open. _A coma? _

"Do they know when he is going to wake up?" I asked, my voice cracking and my hands shaking.

Jasper shook his head, turned on his heel and walked out the front door. Alice hugged my arm, clinging to me, and gasped. I looked over, my eyes wide, and she stared back at me. I took her hand in mine and pulled her behind me as I walked out the door behind Jasper.

"We're going too," I said as I closed the door behind us.

"Fine," he said as he got in his car. He revved his engine and looped around in the dirt to head back out toward the road.

Alice climbed into my truck quickly and buckled up as I threw the car in reverse.

"Is he really in a coma, you think?" Alice asked quietly.

"I don't know. How do you just go into a coma?"

"I don't know either. Maybe he overdosed or something," I mumbled. _Can you overdose on pot? _My hands were shaking so I gripped the steering wheel tighter. I followed Jasper to the hospital without another word being said. When we pulled into the parking lot, I knew it well enough to know which entrance we needed to be nearest to. I honked at Jasper and pulled down a different direction. He watched me turn, threw his car in reverse and followed behind me. We parked quickly and nearly ran through the front doors.

"Dr. Cullen, please. He's expecting me," Jasper said, slightly out of breath, to the nurse walking by in the hallway. She turned and pointed in the direction she came from. Before she could open her mouth to give directions, Jasper was sprinting down the hall.

We rounded the corner and looked around. I read the signs from the ceiling. One way said intensive care, the other said emergency. _Which would it be? How long has he been here? _

"Jasper?" a vaguely familiar voice said from behind us.

We spun around and I saw the man I had once been introduced to as Carlisle in a white frock with a clipboard. _Thank God._

"I got here as fast as I could," Jasper said.

Dr. Cullen walked toward us, a slight smile on his face as he waved us into a room. He eyed me and Alice curiously but didn't say anything. He closed the door behind us as we all stood there awkwardly in an office filled with books and a large wooden desk.

"I need you to tell me everything, Jasper. It's really important. I know you don't want to betray my nephew's trust, but every detail matters."

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked nervously.

"The dreams. How long have they been going on, and what are they about?"

"I think they started around the time that I first stayed the night."

Dr. Cullen seemed to think for a minute before speaking. "So around a month and a half then?"

"Yeah, that sounds about right. He muttered in his sleep a lot that night; it kept waking me up. He was really freaking out the next day – really jumpy and out of it. He later told me that it was the first night he took the medication."

"So he started having the dreams after taking the Ambien?"

"No, he said he had them a few times before," Jasper corrected.

Dr. Cullen was silent for a moment as he pinched the bridge of his nose. _Just like Edward. _

"Alright, go on. Did he say what they were about?"

"I remember him mentioning a white light. We argued about that for a little while because he couldn't tell if it was a white light like Heaven's Gate, or like a bright light in his face. He said something about it taking place in his old bedroom, in the middle of the night. He hears some footsteps, and sees a shadow and then the white light hits him."

"Anything else? Does he say a name, or smell or taste anything in the dream?" Dr. Cullen asked quickly.

"Salt. He said he tasted salt and mentioned that his back was cold."

"Are you sure it was white light and not blue?"

_Blue light? Why would someone see blue light?_

"Uh, yeah. Positive. We argued about it being an alien light, like 'Beam me up, Scottie' and shit."

Dr. Cullen's lip pulled up on one side quickly before fading back into his emotionless expression. "How often did he have these dreams?"

"That I'm not sure. He wasn't sleeping well. A few times he was late to school because he overslept, and he ditched twice because he was so exhausted and I came over to hang out. We would… uh… smoke a bowl, watch a movie, and he would try to sleep, but he always woke up screaming. I'm surprised you never heard him."

At that, Dr. Cullen sighed, looking away almost shamefully. "They've had me working the earlier shift, so I'm not home in the early morning. I should have been checking up on him more."

The room was filled with an awkward silence for a few moments before Dr. Cullen cleared his throat. "How often did you smoke with my nephew?"

Jasper fidgeted slightly, tugging at the hem of his shirt. "Maybe four times a week at the most. He smoked cigarettes more often than… with me," Jasper mumbled.

"I won't mention your activities to the police, Jasper. I appreciate you being forthcoming with this information. I am disappointed in your decisions, however. I thought you were a better kid than that. I know life in high school can be challenging, and sometimes we just need to escape, but drugs shouldn't be your first or only option. Just keep that in mind." Dr. Cullen waited for Jasper to nod before turning his attention to me and Alice. "As for you two, do you have any information to add? Anything could be important."

"Um," I started, but Alice cut me off.

"Bella was going to meet Edward tomorrow at La Push. He said he was going to tell her everything," she squeaked out, her voice trembling and her words blurring together.

I narrowed my eyes and glared at her. She always cracked under pressure. She looked at me and shrugged, attempting a smile but it looked more like a grimace. "Don't kill me," she whispered.

"Thank you… what is your name?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"Alice McCarty," she said, looking down at her feet.

"Thank you, Alice. Is this true, Bella?"

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"What was he going to tell you?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"I don't know. He had been really vague about it. He was really mean to me a few weeks ago, and we hadn't spoken since. Then on Monday, he talks to me out of the blue about drugs and death and this quote on my notebook. Afterwards, I told him he was being really cryptic, and he asked me to go somewhere with him this weekend and he would tell me everything I wanted to know. We didn't bring it up again," I said in one long breath. I inhaled sharply before looking up. I felt like a kid caught with my hand in the cookie jar, but I couldn't explain why; I hadn't done anything wrong.

"What was the quote?" he asked.

"Uh… it's a Chuck Palahniuk quote. 'It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling.'"

Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose again and nodded. It meant something to him, obviously. I felt so out of the loop.

"Thank you, Bella. You guys have been very helpful. If you'll excuse me, I need to go order some more tests," he said as he opened the door, holding it open for us to leave.

Jasper and Alice walked out with their heads down, but I stood there, staring at him. "Wait. Aren't you going to tell us what happened? We've been worried all day, wondering where he is and then Jasper gets a phone call saying Edward's in a coma and to come to the hospital! Can't we see him? Get some answers?" I was clenching my fists against my thigh and trying to not let my nervousness show. I was terrified I had overstepped some invisible line. _But who draws the line, _I thought, remembering my haiku from this morning.

Carlisle sighed and nodded. "Alright, but what I have to say is strictly Edward's uncle speaking, not a doctor. Keep that in mind. Please follow me while we talk."

I nearly skipped out the door, shocked he wasn't telling me to mind my own business and stay out of it. _I like this doctor. _We followed beside him, taking up nearly the entire hallway as he walked quickly through the halls like he knew the secret to the maze of endless white.

"I got a call this morning from the school about Edward's lack in attendance as of late, so I went into his room just before I had to leave for work. I was surprised that he was already up and in the shower. I found his stash in his dresser, and that's when he walked back into the room. We had some harsh words where he claimed the drugs weren't his, and I pretty much refused listen."

"He was telling the truth. The box is mine, I asked him to hold it for a few days because my dad's in town," Jasper said.

Dr. Cullen nodded and continued, "He said it was something like that. I'll have to apologize to him later… well…" He was silent for a moment and sighed. He came to a stop outside of a door and signed something on the clipboard before handing them to a nurse walking by. "Get this scheduled right away, please, Hannah?"

"Of course, Dr. Cullen," she said, taking the paperwork and heading back in the direction she had come from.

"Edward's blood pressure sky rocketed; he had a major panic attack and blacked out during our disagreement. When we checked his blood, we found that he had three times his prescribed dosage of Ambien in his system, along with marijuana and high amounts of nicotine. Mixing the drugs is very dangerous to begin with, but on top of that his tests showed that he was dehydrated and malnourished. He hasn't been eating or taking care of himself, plus he's been lacking REM sleep. His body shut down, and he's been unresponsive."

I gasped, my hand flying to mouth. _It was true? He was in a coma? _

"Has Edward told you anything about his past?" Dr. Cullen asked us. Alice and I shook our heads but Jasper nodded. We stared at him curiously, wondering how much more he knew than us.

"He told me that his parents were murdered, and that he had no recollection of the event. He was there when it happened, but he can't remember anything from that night. He said he got heavily into drugs, and you found out, which is what brought him here," Jasper said quietly.

"That's all he told you? That he couldn't remember the night?" Dr. Cullen asked curiously.

Jasper nodded, confused. "Why?"

"Jasper… he doesn't remember anything. He has retrograde amnesia. He died the night his parents were murdered. He was dead for over two minutes, and when we got his heart beating again, he was in a coma for eight days. When he woke up, he didn't remember anything. He didn't remember who he was, or his life or his parents."

The room was spinning, I swear it was. I blinked in confusion, staring at the doctor as his face grew more and more somber. _He didn't remember anything?_

"He's going to wake up, right?" Alice said beside me, voicing what I really wanted to ask but couldn't force my lips to mutter.

Carlisle gave an even sadder look and sighed. "I don't know. His brain has already suffered a lot of trauma from when he died. Oxygen was cut off from his brain for a long time, and we didn't know if he would make it. If he _does_ wake up, there is a strong possibility that he won't remember anything, just like before."

_"Disappear, disappear, higher, higher.  
Into the air, slowly disappear.  
No, no longer here."_  
~A Perfect Circle - "Vanishing"


	15. Ch15: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and AFWife]_

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Michael Nyman - El Piano, Evanescence - Breathe No More, Yann Tiersen - Comptine d'un autre été: l'après midi, Greenday - Boulevard of Broken Dreams (These are also all of the songs he hears being played.)

The CD mentioned later, is Tool's Lateralus album. My favorite, by far.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

*** Warning. This chapter deals with a particular life threatening illness that some may find to be _incredibly _sensitive. Also, the normal retrograde amnesia, mild violence, nightmares and PTSD are included.***

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_"I'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind.  
On the border line of the edge and where I walk alone.  
Read between the lines; what's fucked up and everything's alright.  
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive and I walk alone."_  
~Green Day - "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

**Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
Chapter Fifteen  
EPOV**

It was like the poem, _The Raven, "_Darkness there, and nothing more."

My entire body felt heavy and weak. I was surrounded in darkness, but it didn't exactly hold the feeling of non-existence. Could darkness be nothingness?

_Where the hell am I?_

I tried to open my eyes, but it seemed like my brain couldn't send the right signals to my eyelids. I focused on the noises around me as they came in clearer, but they still had a filtered-like quality. Somewhere, really far away, there was an obnoxious whirring noise that would occasionally beep.

_I don't recognize the intro to this song. _

_Wait._

_That's not my alarm clock. _

I tried to force my hand to swat in the direction, but once again my brain failed to send the signals, and I just felt exhausted. The pauses between beeps were shorter, and another muffled noise came from the opposite side. The paranoid part of me kicked in as I realized that I was surrounded, and I couldn't react. I put all of my focus into concentrating on that one new sound.

"…peaking… more signs of… should let car… any day…"

The effort it took to hear the words and then process them was just too much. I tried to speak, to ask who was there and where I was, but I don't think I managed to do anything but exhale before I slipped back into the quiet darkness.

I felt _cold_, but not cold in the way of the weather. It was a cold that ached in my bones and felt like it would _never_ go away. The cold brought a sense of loneliness and despair with it, seeping into my mind and my heart and freezing any emotion related to love or hope. It was like a disease, slowly taking over my entire body, attacking every part of me so I couldn't fight it anymore.

Just as I thought the cold had taken over, I felt sudden warmth; like the sun had moved from behind the clouds on a snowy day and was beaming down on me.

Once feeling of my limbs had returned to me and I was filled with hope again, I blinked and realized that I was in the middle of a room. There was a large window near one corner with sunlight streaming in and illuminating a small piano. At the piano sat a woman with long, golden-brown hair that waved gently to the small of her back. She was swaying back and forth as the melody flowed effortlessly from her fingers. Occasionally she would lean into a beam of light, and her hair would glow red.

I took a few steps toward her until I could clearly see her hands moving over the keys. I watched as she played. I took a couple of steps closer, her profile coming into view, and I studied her face.

She had porcelain skin and long lashes. Her nose was petite and narrow, but rounded at the tip like a button. She licked over her bottom lip and leaned into the notes as she played with such finesse. The corners of her lips lifted, wrinkles forming at her mouth and eyes.

She was beautiful.

It was then that I realized how peculiar this entire moment was. I didn't feel right just observing her.

_I should make a noise or clear my throat in case she doesn't want an audience_.

As if on cue, I heard a door close behind me, causing me to jump and gasp loudly. I turned to look in the direction of the noise and was saddened when the music stopped.

A tall man with pale hair stepped through the archway into the room and stood there, smiling. The woman passed by me, almost as if she hadn't seen me, as the hem of her skirt brushed against my knee gently, billowing behind her.

"You're home," she said softly, her voice just as enchanting as the notes she had been playing a moment ago.

"How was your day?" the man asked, wrapping his arms around her waist.

She didn't reply with words, just a simple kiss against his lips and a smile. The man's eyes lingered on her form for a moment before moving to me. I looked down at the floor shamefully, like a child caught staring, and shoved my hands in my pockets. I hadn't thought of this reaction or felt any shame – I simply did it, almost as though I had no choice in the matter.

The room blurred and became brighter than before as the man smiled at me. The woman turned in his arms and took his hand just before the room faded to pure white.

_Why did the woman not acknowledge me, but the man did?_

Muffled voices slowly faded in and out as I struggled to make sense of them. The voice was soft, but sounded troubled. After trying to focus on it for a while, I could discern that it was familiar and a female. I paid closer attention to the words and caught something about a stone and a helmet.

_What the hell is she talking about? _

I wanted to ask, but my lips felt as though they had been shut for a century.

_Had my alarm gotten switched to radio?_

She continued, and I noticed other noises around me. The beeping from before was back, and I tried to drown it out by focusing on every word the female said.

"I felt… drained. Disappointed. Let down. Does that make sense?" Her voice was gentle as she asked the question, almost like they weren't her own words. _Is this a talk show?_ I tried to reach over to turn it off, but my body seemed heavy and my lungs felt caved in; it was a lot of work to breathe.

"I had been sure that as soon as I had everything back, I'd feel good. But inside I felt worse than when I started. I feel like nothing," the person said, continuing without any response to their previous question.

I slowly opened my eyes, but the bright light stung and I hissed quietly, squeezing them shut again. _Hadn't I closed my blinds?_

"There. You asked. I'm sorry. Maybe I don't have an answer," she continued.

Slower than before, I opened my eyes, letting the brightness filter through my lashes.

"Have you finished?" a different tone said. It was similar to the first, but more forceful.

I tried to look around, but my brain wouldn't cooperate. I stared up at a white ceiling with my eyes narrowed into slits and tried to figure out what the voices were talking about.

"Yes," the first voice said quietly.

"You could have called me, you know," the second voice said directly afterward.

_This is a really fucking weird conversation. _I focused on the direction on the voices and realized they both came from the same place. It didn't have the tin can sound to it that most radio conversations have. _Could they be in the room with me? But who the hell would be in my room while I slept? Maybe I left the TV on._

"I didn't want to worry you," the girl said, and I realized that it was the same voice as the other.

_Why would she be talking to herself?_

I listened for a few more minutes as the girl spoke in both tones, and slowly the conversation felt vaguely familiar – like déjà vu.

_Have I had this conversation before? This has to be a movie on TV. _

As my mind tried to focus on the words, my head felt foggy and it was hard to breathe. The voice slowly faded away, and I slipped back into the darkness.

The piano melody was different this time. It was more somber and not nearly as fast. It was incredibly familiar, but I couldn't pinpoint where I knew it from. Then the beautiful woman began singing, and my heart broke. I took eager steps toward her, but froze when I was close enough to see a tear roll down her cheek. She leaned into each note with an intense passion that spoke more than words, and her fingers looked to be dancing over the keys.

I was filled with the sense of déjà vu all over again, but something felt off. I didn't have control over anything – all I could do was watch.

"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever; and all of this will make sense when I get better," she sang, her voice cracking near the end.

I gasped and lurched forward, wrapping my arms around her from behind. I had the intense urge to comfort her, for some reason. I didn't know what to think or do to keep the woman from crying.

"Mom?" I whispered against her hair. The words had slipped out of my mouth before I could really think about them, almost like they were fate, and I had no say in the matter. I tried to understand what the hell was going on, but then she spoke to me.

"Edward, baby," she cried softly as her fingers stilled on the keys.

_How does she know my name?_

She turned quickly and pulled me on to her lap, her white gown twisting to the side slightly. She held me close to her, not letting me move. I worried that I might be hurting her, she looked so fragile. "Edward, I love you so much, my baby boy."

I blinked, and suddenly I was no longer the person on her lap; I was watching from beside them as the beautiful woman hugged a little boy. He wrapped his small fingers into her hair, brushing them against her back as he breathed in and out steadily, not speaking. He let the woman cry until her sobs slowed, and she took deep breaths.

"Edward, baby, look at me," she said quietly to the boy, readjusting him on her lap. He reached up and brushed the hair out of her face, and she smiled the most genuine smile I had ever seen. She kissed his forehead and exhaled shakily.

"What's wrong, Mom?" the boy asked after a moment.

The woman's face fell into a distressed expression as she swallowed. "Baby, I don't feel well," she said, her words coming out slowly as if she had chosen them carefully.

The boy ran his finger along her cheekbone. A tear ran down her cheek, and I noticed that her skin, once like porcelain, was now ashen and her eyes had dark shadows beneath them. "I can fix you some soup. That always makes me feel better," the boy said gently.

The woman smiled quickly and shook her head. "No, sweetie, soup won't help me." She closed her eyes and kissed his forehead again, her lips lingering on his skin as she drew in a deep breath. After a long pause, she pulled back and looked down into his eyes. "I'm sick," she said quietly.

"I know, Mom, but you'll get better."

"No, baby. I won't get better."

My heart broke all over again as I understood what she was saying, but the look on the boy's face was confusion. He shook his head and furrowed his brows; it looked very familiar. "But people _always _get better," he said, refusing to accept her words.

She sighed and ran her hand through his hair, staring at the top of his head. She closed her eyes, drew in a breath and opened them again, looking down at him. "Edward, I'm dying. They can't make me better," she whispered as more tears streamed down her cheeks.

The boy leapt from her lap and clenched his fists at his side. "No!" he shouted. "No! You're lying!"

The woman's composure shattered as her sobs rang through my ears, echoing and chilled me to the bone. I was an outsider looking in, and I couldn't make sense of it all.

_Who were these people, and why did the boy have my name?_

Footsteps broke my concentration, and I turned toward the archway. In my peripheral vision, the boy was grabbing a pillow from the sofa and throwing it across the room as he shouted more denials.

"What's going on? Elizabeth? Son?" the man said as he walked into the room.

The boy had dropped to his knees and buried his face in the couch – his nails digging into the fabric, clawing at it. The man ran to the boy, lifting him from the ground and pulling him into his arms in one quick motion, as if he had done this hundreds of times.

Something inside of me twisted and I swallowed, blinking back tears.

"I told him, Edward," the woman said as she rushed to his side, her eyebrows furrowed and a pained look in her eyes.

"You what?" The man spun around and stared at her with a disbelieving expression.

"I told him," she whispered, her eyes focused on the boy. He was squeezing his eyes shut, his hands balled into fists against the man's chest.

The man cradled the boy, running his hand up and down his back. "Shh, Eddie, it's okay. It's okay," he whispered.

The boy pounded his fists against the man's chest. "It's _not _okay! It's _not okay!_" he shouted. His little hands were beating against the man repeatedly.

The woman cried harder, falling to her knees and covering her face with her hands. She looked like a crying angel in a white dress with her hair falling over her shoulders.

The room blurred, and the boy's screams mixed with a beeping noise. It felt like my body was being pulled away from the room as everything disappeared, and a new voice filled my consciousness.

"…no one knows the truth." The voice was coming from the same direction as before, but this time it was male. I focused on the person speaking as I tried to open my eyes.

"She doesn't know. I never want her to know. I'm trying to protect her, but she just doesn't get that."

The man stopped speaking, and so I focused on the other noises as I slowly opened my eyes. The beeping noise was driving me crazy as it slowly sped up. I could hear other voices and footsteps, but none of them seemed nearby. The person huffed and I heard a light thud.

"I could kill them. I could," the voice sounded angry, determined, "but they would know. There's no way they _wouldn't_ figure it out."

I groaned as I slowly turned my head to the side. Everything was far too bright. I squinted and tried to focus my eyes, but all I could see was a silhouette of a figure beside me, surrounded by white and gold. I shut my eyes again and decided to focus on my breathing instead of sight.

"Goddammit! Why didn't you just listen? This never would have happened."

_Why are they mad at me? I didn't do anything… did I?_ _What the hell are they doing in my room?_

I tried to breathe in deeper than before, but it made me realize how dry my throat was. It felt raw, and the taste in my mouth was terrible. _What the hell did I do last night?_ I rubbed my tongue against the top of my mouth, but it stuck and felt filmy. I was really fucking thirsty.

I didn't even want to try talking, it was just too much work, and my throat was sore enough. I decided to try and open my eyes again and adjust to the light. With my head still turned to the side, I squinted. The person was still sitting beside me, but it looked like they were hunched over. I frowned at the sight and tried to focus.

I could make out that they had blond colored hair and were wearing white – which didn't help the brightness factor. I studied their posture and tried to determine their mood. They had just talked about killing someone, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel a little panicked.

The beeping noise seemed to speed up slightly, and I grew really irritable. _Would all the fucking noises just cease for one fucking minute? _ It grew louder and louder until it felt like it was ringing in my ears. The pressure between my eyes was immense, and I wondered why I hadn't noticed it sooner.

The figure looked up, and our eyes connected. I blinked and tried to shut everything else out, but it just hurt too much. My skull felt as though it was splitting in half and the sensation in my throat was what I imagined it would be like if I had swallowed a porcupine.

"Edward?" the man asked quietly, a hint of shock in his voice. He jumped quickly to his feet and ran out the door before I really knew what was going on.

The beeping echoed in my head and I shut my eyes tightly, wishing it would just go away. I lifted my hand to my head and tried to cover my ears, but my arms were too heavy, and I quickly gave up.

"Edward? Can you hear me?" a different voice called out.

There were more voices and noises, and it just made my head spin.

_Stop. Make it stop, _I wanted to cry out, but I couldn't make any sound.

I heard someone say something about levels before everything went black again.

The piano was becoming my comfort in the darkness. The melody was faster, filled with passion and anticipation. I looked around, spotting the little boy sitting in front of the sofa. He was slightly taller than before. He had papers spread out in front of him and seemed incredibly focused. The song slowed and had a more uplifting feeling to it. The boy tapped his pencil against the table and huffed in frustration.

A loud voice from down the hallway broke their concentration; the woman's fingers stilling on top of the keys, and the boy's pencil pausing mid tap.

"No, I know that, but there's nothing I can do. We just have to have faith in the system." There was a pause and a deep sigh. The man walked into the room with a phone to his ear and a briefcase in his hand. "Listen, I'm on my way down there to talk to them. Maybe we can cut a deal, but he is not getting away without at least serving _some _time. I'm going to make certain of that." He rolled his eyes and set his briefcase on the ground. The woman rose from the piano bench and walked to him, pausing a few steps away. She looked upset. "Alright, that could work. Listen, I got to go, but I'll be down there shortly."

He hung up the phone, slipped it into his coat pocket and looked at the woman. He gave her a gentle smile and lowered his head with a bashful look. He looked like he was about to beg for something.

"Edward, you promised you would stay in tonight. Please?"

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm wrapping up this case, and we're so close to the end. They are asking to make negotiations, and they know they could lose. We're in the perfect spot to call the shots; I need to go in tonight. I won't be gone long." He stepped closer, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her nose. "I promise," he whispered.

She nodded slowly, but didn't say anything. He smiled as he picked up his briefcase and walked out the front door. She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed heavily. "I don't like this," she whispered to herself, barely audible.

The room changed around me, like a moving set, and I was in a familiar bedroom.

_I've been in this room before._

I turned and looked at the clock beside the bed. An odd sense of déjà vu washed over me again, and I shivered. I tossed the covers back and put my feet on the floor. A gasp escaped my lips and a chill ran down my spine; the floor was freezing. I glanced out the window and stared as the lights blurred from the rain. The idea of turning up the thermostat crossed my mind as I shivered.

I turned toward the hallway, but froze when the sound of footsteps came heavy and fast. I darted behind the door in hopes that they wouldn't see me if they opened it. The footsteps fell silent, but there was a shadow directly under the door. Slowly, the door opened with a squeak that seemed louder than humanly possible. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, and I had to clasp my hand over my mouth to keep from breathing too heavily.

I had no reason to be afraid, no unfamiliar voice or noise had awoken me, but for some unusual reason, my body was nearly frozen in fear. A figure slowly moved through the door, taking quiet steps toward my bed. They were looking around very slowly, and I thought about what to do.

_Do I wait? Do I run? Do I try to be quiet and move into the closet? _

The figure leaned down, pressing a hand to the bed where the covers had been tossed back. My mind raced as my stomach tied itself in knots. I debated the idea of fight or flight for another split second before I made my decision. I slipped out from behind the door, turned and ran down the hallway. The light from the bathroom was on, and it hurt my eyes as I tried to adjust to the brightness.

The footsteps were loud behind me, but I ran for the steps, not bothering to glance behind me. Just as I reached the banister, my arms and legs flew forward, but my torso was pulled back. There was a hand over my mouth and it tasted like copper, dirt and salt. I tried to open my mouth to scream or bite, but my jaw was locked in someone's firm grasp. Then everything went black.

"There must be a Hell," a female voice said from somewhere beside me. I struggled to focus as the fog cleared in my head.

"There must be a place for the demons; a place for the damned," she said gently, her voice calm and soothing.

I opened my eyes slowly, the light creeping in as I blinked. The room slowly came into focus as I stared at the ceiling.

"Hell is Heaven's reflection. It is Heaven's shadow. They define each other. Reward and punishment; hope and despair. There must be a Hell, for without Hell, Heaven has no meaning."

I pushed my arms to my side and tried to lift my body into a sitting position, but my limbs felt like dough and bent before I could put any pressure down. The female's voice grew louder as she continued to speak about how something wasn't fair. I furrowed my brows, completely and utterly confused by what she was talking about. I turned my head and took in the figure of the girl beside me. Her face was slightly hidden from her long, dark red hair, and her eyes were cast downward at a book in her lap. Her lips were full and looked like the epitome of perfection. I watched them closely as she spoke, a smile slightly tugging at the corner of my own lips. This girl was beautiful – whoever she was – and she was reading to me.

"To be exiled into the darkness? To be banished from our Creator's Light, his grace? We are too pure for our feet ever to touch the base clay – why then should we be forced into the Pit?" She looked sad; her eyebrows were knitted together, and her chin was slightly wrinkled as she stopped reading for a moment. I wondered if she was honestly upset by the words she was reading. If I could see her eyes, would there be tears?

Almost like she had heard my thoughts, she looked up at me. Our eyes met, and we stared at each other for what felt like hours. Slowly, my lips slid up into a gentle smile, and she gasped. She dropped the book and jumped to her feet. Just as she managed to make it to the doorway, I found my voice.

"Wait," I said as loudly as I could manage, even though it sounded like just a whisper. My throat ached and I frowned, not certain if she had heard me.

She rounded the corner, just barely out of sight, and I sighed. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow, but my mouth was just too dry. I opened my eyes and was surprised when I saw her standing in the doorway again, her eyes wide with shock and her hand gripping the doorway.

I smiled again, trying to tell her it was okay without having to attempt words again. She slowly took one step toward me, her eyes glued to mine like they were begging permission for something. They were the most intense chocolate brown and seemed larger than any set of eyes I had ever seen before. Step by step, she eventually made it to the edge of the bed.

"You're awake," she said, her voice sounding happy but concerned at the same time, almost like she meant for it to be a question. "For longer than, like, thirty seconds."

I nodded and tried to sit up again, but my arms were just too weak. Her warm hands were on my arms within seconds, and she helped me scoot up in the bed. She left her hands on my skin for a moment longer as she stared at me, her own smile finally appearing, before pulling away.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, looking down as her cheeks flared a delicate shade of pink.

I wanted to laugh, or tell her it was okay, but I doubted that I could manage words that well right now to explain why I was laughing at her. Her blush was just too cute. She looked back at me and quirked a brow.

"Can I get you anything? I'm supposed to get a nurse or Carlisle if you wake up, but… you told me to wait."

I brought a hand to my throat and furrowed my brows. It took her a second, but she eventually understood. She turned around, grabbed a glass of water from the table and held it to my lips. I smiled quickly, holding my hand around hers as I drank slowly. She tilted it a bit too far, and some ran down my chin and throat.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said quickly, her free hand flying to her mouth in embarrassment.

I chuckled slightly, my throat finally coated and not as raw. "It's okay," I managed to say. I took the glass from her and continued to drink until it was empty.

We shared a moment of awkward silence and smiles before she looked away, her cheeks still flushed. She was rather pretty, in a simple way.

"What were you reading?" I asked quietly, my throat still somewhat sore.

"Oh! Uh, _The Sandman _graphic novels. I knew you liked them, and Carlisle had said that familiar things might help so I…" She bit her lip instead of finishing her sentence and looked away.

Ironically, my uncle chose that moment to walk through the door. He stopped in the opening, his eyes wide as a smile slowly crept across his lips. "You're awake!" he said eagerly.

The girl jumped and took a step to the side, but I didn't complain, she was closer to the top of the bed, and me, this way.

"Why didn't you come get me?" Carlisle asked the girl.

She looked down and began stuttering.

"I asked her to wait," I said quietly, before she managed to get a sentence together.

Carlisle looked to me and frowned. "Do you know who she is?" he asked after a minute.

_Should I? _

I looked back at the girl and studied her face. She was beautiful, but I couldn't remember ever meeting her before. "No," I said, more like a question.

The look on her face was devastation. She looked back at Carlisle with tears in her eyes, but didn't speak a word.

"Do you know who I am?" Carlisle asked.

"Of course, you're my uncle. Where am I?" I asked, beginning to get more and more confused with each passing minute.

"Edward, you're in the hospital. You… you overdosed, and had a panic attack before blacking out and hitting your head. You were pretty dehydrated and malnourished."

I frowned and tried to think back. _What did I overdose on? _

"I guess I can't trust Laurent," I mumbled.

"Wait, what?" Carlisle asked, taking a step closer. "What does Laurent have to do with this, Edward?"

"You said I overdosed on something. Whatever it was, I probably got it from him."

"Edward, where do you think you are?" Carlisle asked.

"Chicago," I said calmly.

The girl gasped and looked from me to Carlisle and back to me before running from the room.

_What did I say wrong? _

"Edward, we're in Forks, Washington. We moved here in February."

The air in my lungs seemed to disappear, and I shook my head, not wanting to believe him. "What month is it now?" I asked. _Please, God, don't tell me I forgot even more shit. I just got my life back together._

"It's the middle of April," he said slowly.

"How long have I been out?" I asked, panicked.

"Six days."

"But then… why can't I remember moving?"

"I don't know. You hit your head when you blacked out. Edward… we weren't sure you would wake up," Carlisle said.

I stared straight ahead of me, ignoring everything else in the room. I'd lost another two months of my life? Wasn't my entire childhood enough? I just wanted my _life _back. I just wanted to either remember or move the fuck on!

"Edward, deep breaths. Calm down, you need to calm down or you're going to pass out again," Carlisle said from somewhere beside me.

I focused straight ahead, the pressure building behind my eyes and my fists clenched tightly beside me. There was a sudden tightness around my chest, and I gasped. I looked over and saw Carlisle's hair and I realized that he was hugging me – tightly.

"Calm, Edward. Calm down please," he pleaded in my ear. He gripped me tightly, rocking me gently back and forth.

I broke. Tears flowed quickly from my eyes, and I sobbed.

_I just want my life back. Why does this keep happening to me? What did I do wrong? _

I felt like a little boy being punished for something that he didn't remember doing.

_How is this fair?_

I squeezed my eyes closed and gasped for air as I cried. I hadn't cried in front of Carlisle since I was thirteen – at least, not that I could remember.

_What have I forgotten this time? Who was that girl? All those voices? Those dreams?_

The dreams. I gasped, my eyes shooting open. The dreams came flooding back to me, and I tried to make sense of it all. Was that me when I was little? Was that my mother? My father? Were those memories, or just dreams? How can I ever know the difference?

"What is it?" Carlisle asked quietly as he held me.

I shook my head and closed my eyes, letting the image of the woman playing piano fill my mind. Her name was Elizabeth, and the man was Edward. They were my parents' names.

They were my parents, and I was the little boy.

Carlisle eventually left, telling me to get some rest, and I took his advice. I felt exhausted, even though I had only been awake for an hour. I didn't have any dreams, but I could have sworn I heard the piano playing as I slept.

When I woke up, it was light out. I heard a radio playing from somewhere in the room, and I recognized the song. It was Green Day's, _Boulevard of Broken Dreams, _andI listened to the lyrics as the song ended, realizing how true they were for me.

"Oh! You're up again," a familiar voice said.

I turned toward the door and saw the girl from the day before.

"Good morning," I said as politely as I could manage. I didn't want to scare her off again.

She smiled back and took a seat in the chair beside my bed. "More like late afternoon," she said as she unzipped a backpack.

I frowned. "What time is it?"

"Nearly five." She pulled out another _The Sandman_ book and flipped through the pages quickly.

"You don't have to read to me, you know. I'm sure you're not interested in comics."

She frowned and looked up at me, her finger holding the spot in the book as she closed it. "What makes you think I wouldn't like _The Sandman_?"

I chuckled and shrugged. "The fact that it's a comic book, and you're a pretty girl," I replied without thinking.

She looked taken aback. "Oh. Um. Thanks?" She laughed, and the first thing that came to mind was that I needed to make her laugh more often. "Actually, these are mine. They're pretty beat up, because I've read them so many times… and because I bought them off the library," she said with a grin.

It was my turn to look taken aback. "You read comics?"

"I read everything, but Neil Gaiman is a favorite of mine."

I didn't know how to respond. A pretty girl with good taste in literature. She can stick around as long as she wants.

"But if you don't want me to read, I can leave you alone. I've just gotten so used to it by now, it didn't even occur to me that you might object, now that you're awake."

"Wait, how long have you been reading to me?" I asked.

She looked down, and her lips slid to the side in a way that I figured she was biting the inside of her cheek. "Since the first night you were here," she said so quietly I almost couldn't hear her.

"Really?" I asked. She nodded. "How often?"

"Every day. I get up and fix breakfast for Charlie, and then come here when he leaves to go fishing or for work around seven in the morning. I usually leave to go get lunch and do a few chores around the house around noon. That's when Jasper visits you, but you probably don't remember him either," she said with a frown. She took a deep breath and stared at the cover of the graphic novel in her lap. "I come back around five, when he has to head home, and stay until ten – sometimes eleven."

I was utterly shocked. This girl has been spending ten hours of her day with an unconscious person, just reading to them? "Why?" I asked.

"Because I want to. Carlisle said familiarity might help, even if you were unresponsive. When you started waking up a few days ago, we all started getting excited, and then they took the feeding tube out a day ago, and I think that's when I realized that you might not remember me."

I had started waking up a few days ago? Was that real then? The voices, the conversations, the beeping? Slowly, it started to make sense. It was her voice I had heard talking about disappointment. But then, who was the person talking about killing someone?

"What's wrong?" she asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Nothing," I said a bit too quickly. I felt her eyes studying me, and I decided to ask the first thing that came to mind. "What's your name?"

She smiled and looked away. "Bella."

"It fits you," I said quietly, mentally patting myself on the back for making her blush again.

"Thanks," she mumbled.

"Tell me about how we met?" I asked, wanting to know more about her, but not wanting to make it too terribly obvious. She turned an even more intense shade of red, and I wondered if maybe that was a bad question.

"Oh God, I didn't like, you know…" I said quickly, uncomfortable finishing the sentence.

She laughed, and I relaxed slightly. "No, nothing like that. I, uh, kind of almost ran you over." She peered up at me from under her lashes, and I was paralyzed. I wanted to laugh, but I also wanted to moan. I went with the safer reaction and chuckled.

"You what?" I asked, not sure I believed her.

"Yeah. You were crossing the street, and I almost ran you over. You, uh, kind of cussed me out for it."

I laughed harder. She was telling the truth. That's something I would definitely do. "Tell me more."

"Well, we have Advanced Biology together."

"Wait, why haven't you been in school this whole time then? What are you doing here?" I asked, confused.

"It's spring break."

_Oh. _

"Well, damn. You mean I spent my entire spring break in a fucking coma?" I asked a bit louder than necessary.

This time she laughed, nodding as she smiled at me. "Yeah. Yeah, you have."

"Just my fucking luck," I mumbled. "When does school start again?"

"Monday," she replied.

Well, no shit. "Yeah, but what's today, I mean."

"Oh, three days. It's Friday. You were in a coma for six days, and then slept all day yesterday."

"Wonderful. So I'll get better just in time to go back to school."

She shrugged, biting her lower lip slightly. I wanted to reach over and free it from danger, but she was too far away. "Sorry I interrupted. You were telling me more about us."

She looked shocked or scared for a second before clearing her throat and nodding. "Right. Um. You went to my best friend's birthday party and bought her _The Labyrinth_."

"I love that movie," I said with a grin.

She laughed and nodded. "That's what you had said. You gave me a ride home once when I hurt my ankle at school."

"That was awfully nice of me," I said, honestly surprised at myself.

"Yeah, it was…" She furrowed her brows and looked lost in thought.

_Was it something I said?_

"So what else can you tell me? I'm relying on you to be honest here," I said, teasing her slightly.

She shrugged, slowly coming out of her trance-like state. "Um, you're best friends with Jasper, who has a huge crush on my best friend, Alice."

"The one with the birthday party?" I asked, trying to keep everything straight.

She nodded. "Yeah, she's pretty much my only friend. Her older brother, Emmett, is dating Jasper's older sister, Rosalie. They're seniors. Alice's mom has a crush on your uncle, but he doesn't know that," she said, almost like an afterthought.

"Really?" I asked, truly curious now.

She laughed and nodded eagerly. "Yeah. It's really cute. You should find out what your uncle's type is."

"I'll see what I can do."

We exchanged nods and laughed, like we were sealing some pack or pledge. It was really juvenile, but I just liked hearing her laugh.

"So which book are you on now?" I asked, changing the subject.

"_A Game Of You. _It's the fifth book in the series. I started with _Neverwhere, _and then read _American Gods,_ before switching to _The Sandman _series. They're my favorites," she said as she opened the book back up to the page she had last stopped at.

"Mine too," I said quietly as I leaned back against the pillow.

I listened as Bella read to me. Her voice was soothing, and I felt my body relax. My eyelids felt heavy after a while, and I drifted off to sleep.

When I awoke, she was gone and it was dark outside. A small part of me was upset by that, but I didn't expect her to be around all the time. It was actually kind of weird that she had been at my bedside the entire time I was in the coma.

_Did we go out? Were we friends?_

She hadn't really given me any idea of what our relationship status was. Maybe I could ask Jasper when I met, or rather, meet him again. A best friend would know those kinds of things, right?

I hadn't ever really had a best friend before, and I wondered how close Jasper and I really were. I'd only known him two months, right? So I couldn't know him that well. I'm not the type to open up to people, so how much does he know about me?

The idea of these people knowing more about me than I know of them was enough to give me another panic attack, so I changed my train of thought to my dreams. I was mid replay of the first one I could vaguely remember, when a familiar song came on the radio in the corner. _I wonder who left it here?_

After the first couple of seconds, I instantly recognized it. It was the song the woman in my dream was playing, and sang to, right before she told the little boy…

_Oh my God. _

If that little boy was me, then… then my mother was ill. She was going to die, whether or not someone murdered her. Did that really make a difference, though? I was so much younger… ten years old, maybe? Then later in the dream about my father leaving, I was even older, twelve, perhaps. So she knew she was sick for a long time? Maybe she beat whatever she had and fully recovered. She didn't look as sick in the dream when I was older.

I was trying to piece together a time line when Carlisle came in. He seemed surprised to see me up.

"What are you writing?" he asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm…" I hesitated. _Do I tell him?_

"Edward, I know you don't remember the last few months, but I do. Can I ask a favor of you?"

I nodded faintly, staring at him. He was never this forward.

"Can we not keep secrets anymore?"

_Had I been keeping secrets? _"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to feign innocence I wasn't entirely certain I had.

He sighed and hunched over, putting his head in his hands. "When you blacked out, we had been arguing. I was so angry with you because you had been keeping so many things from me. I don't understand why you didn't feel comfortable talking to me, but I am happy you felt that you could talk to someone."

_Now I'm completely lost._

"You told Jasper about the dreams you had been having – memories. You even shared some of your past with him, which is more than you've ever done with friends in the past."

"What did I tell him?"

"You had been having dreams a little over a month. Wait, I should back up or else this won't make sense. I found you in the kitchen after a night that you hadn't slept that well. At first I thought that maybe you had started doing drugs again, but you insisted you weren't, so I talked to you about getting a sleep aid prescription. You saw Dr. Gerandy here at the hospital, and he prescribed Ambien to you. Jasper told me last week that you had been having nightmares the few days before I got you the prescription." Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose and looked up, turning on the bed to face me.

"He said you were having dreams of being in your bedroom back in Chicago. You would awake in the middle of the night and hear footsteps. When you door opened, there was a bright white light, and then you couldn't move or breathe. He mentioned that you had said something about tasting salt and being cold.

"You kept these dreams from me, Edward. On top of that, you weren't sleeping regularly. The day before you blacked out, you hadn't slept at all. You weren't eating, and you were dehydrated." Carlisle dragged his hands over his face like the action would wipe away his frustration. He sighed heavily, put his hand on my ankle over the thin hospital blanket and squeezed. He looked really tired.

"Something was really bothering you. Jasper told you to stop taking the medication, or tell me about the problems you were having with sleep, but you would get hostile every time he brought it up." He was looking me straight in the eye, and I could see how upset he was that I had kept things from him.

"Edward… I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me. If I'm pressuring you to remember too much too soon, or not understanding something from your point of view, _tell me. _Please, I really don't want to see you go through this again." His voice cracked slightly as he swallowed.

I nodded slowly, swallowing and trying to hold my own tears back.

_I have to tell him, now. _

"I've been having dreams, and… I'd like to talk about them," I said quietly.

Carlisle gasped. "You've remembered the dreams already? That's—"

"No, not the dreams I told Jasper, new dreams – while I was unconscious. They were of my mother and father."

"You… you had dreams about Edward and Elizabeth?"

"She would play the piano a lot; she was extremely talented. I got the impression that he wasn't home often. He was a lawyer, right?"

Carlisle nodded. I remembered him telling me that when I awoke the first time, before he adopted me legally. "He was excited about some big case. He was going in to the office to negotiate, and she was upset he was leaving. I had papers spread out on the coffee table. It must have been homework or something. I don't remember a lot of the details, just the songs she would play."

Carlisle smiled at that and nodded eagerly. "She grew up playing; Edward once told me. He remembered the first time he saw her she was playing for a school performance of some kind. He said she stole his heart with her music and his soul with her smile." A small tear quickly rolled down Carlisle's cheek as he beamed at me. I could tell that he missed his brother a lot.

"In one dream she was playing a really sad song. It's on one of the CDs I play a lot. She was crying, and I tried to get her to stop, but she pulled me onto her lap and told me that she was sick. At first I didn't understand, but then… Carlisle, was my mother dying?"

Carlisle closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, nodding.

"But," I paused and took a deep breath, "what from?" I whispered.

"She had AIDS, Edward."

_We have just hit bottom._

The words of _Fight Club _bounced around in my head as I tried to understand what he was saying. Visions of all the different support groups from the movie flashed in my mind, and I struggled to find my voice. "Does that mean that… that I…" I couldn't force myself to say the words.

_Just say the words, dammit._

"No, you tested negative. You were tested when she found out, and again after her death."

I felt the wind rush out from my lungs.

_I tested negative. I'll be fine. Everything will be fine._

"Did you remember anything else?" he asked after a moment.

I shook my head at first, but then I remembered the last dream and hesitated.

"What?" Carlisle asked when I suddenly stilled.

"I almost forgot. I did have one other dream before I finally woke up. It was a lot like the one you said I told Jasper about, except it was slightly different. I was hiding behind the door when someone came in, and I ran down the hallway but they caught me. The bathroom light was on and their hand tasted like copper and salt. I tried to scream and kick, but I couldn't and then I… I woke up." I looked at Carlisle and frowned. "What's this all mean, Carlisle?"

He squeezed my leg again and sighed. "It means that you're remembering things. It means that you'll probably remember the last couple of months as well – just give it time."

_ "I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school.  
They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous.  
They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor.  
They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer.  
They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind.  
They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.  
They don't teach you anything worth knowing."_  
~Neil Gaiman


	16. Ch16: Wake Up

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: TRDancer and AFWife]_**  
**

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: The Arcade Fire - Wake Up, A Perfect Circle - Rose (this is the song Bella mentions not knowing the name of. The lyrical meaning is fitting for Edward _and _Jasper.)

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

This chapter has some overlap - beginning on the Tuesday before Edward wakes up. Nothing is 'repeated' however.

* * *

*** Warning. This chapter deals with retrograde amnesia, and mentions physical child abuse.***

* * *

_"Something filled up my heart with nothing; someone told me not to cry.  
But now that I'm older, my heart's colder, and I can see that it's a lie.  
Children wake up; hold your mistake up before they turn the summer into dust.  
If the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up."_  
~ Arcade Fire "Wake Up"

**Wake Up  
Chapter Sixteen  
BPOV**

"I just don't get it, Bells," Charlie said as he stood up from the table.

"Alright, fine. Let's say that you and Mom both died in a horrible, tragic accident, and I was injured and left with no one."

"Your mom and I wouldn't be caught dead in the same place to die at the same time. Besides, you wouldn't be—"

"_And say," _I said loudly, cutting Charlie off. "Say that I couldn't remember anything about the accident. Hell, I couldn't even remember my family or who_ I_ was." I put the dishes into the sink and turned around to face Charlie as I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. "Wouldn't you want someone, _anyone_, there for me; someone trying to help me remember who you were and how much you meant to me?"

He furrowed his brows and contemplated my words. "Bells, all I'm saying is that you should be doing other stuff too. You spend over ten hours in a hospital room with a boy you barely know who might not remember you when he wakes up. It's spring break; don't you want to go somewhere or read something?"

"I _am _reading something, and I _am _going somewhere," I said bitterly. His words hurt, not because he was showing concern for me, but because I knew he was right. Edward might not remember me if, and, or when he woke up, and I didn't know how I was going to handle it.

"Hey, don't get snippy with me. I'm just making sure my girl isn't being pressured into doing something when she would rather be elsewhere. Never let anyone force you into something by making you feel guilty, Bella." Charlie lowered his head and stared at me from across the kitchen with a stern face that looked like he meant business.

"I know," I mumbled. "Really though, I'm doing this because I want to." I pushed away from the counter, grabbing the small cooler with Charlie's lunch in it, and walked toward him. I held it out and smiled genuinely.

"Alright, Bells." He took the cooler and pulled me into a hug.

I wrapped my arms around my father's waist and hugged him tightly. "Have a good day at work. I'll be home around ten. There's dinner in the fridge," I said as I pulled away and looked up at him.

He held onto my shoulders and smiled at me, nodding once. "Thanks, Bells. Be safe and have a good day. Say hello to Dr. Cullen for me."

"Will do."

As the door closed behind him, I realized how much our morning routine had changed in the past few days. I tried to not think of everything else that had changed in such a short amount of time, but it was hard to block out. I walked back to the fridge and stared at the white board.

Concerned.

Was Charlie concerned about me staying at the hospital all day or something else? I erased the board and started thinking of my own adjectives and nouns.

_Every rose has thorns.  
Bleed our memories out again,  
and begin life new. _

I stared at the word memories for a few minutes, uncertain if I wanted to keep it in the haiku or not. It had become a dark word in my vocabulary; in fact, I'd almost say it was as bad as the "c" word, but not quite.

I hated the idea that Edward would forget everything again. I hated thinking about what would happen to his life at school and how the other students would treat him. How they would mock him in the hallways, and mess with him by claiming he had promised them things. Would he even go back to school? Would they move again?

My chin was trembling uncontrollably. I took in a deep breath, preemptively wiped under my eyes and turned away from the board. The word would stay… for now.

I grabbed my bag and headed for the hospital. The drive was always difficult for me. I always wondered about the "what if's."

_What if he had woken up while I was gone? _

_What if he remembered everyone but me? _

_What if he had a blood clot and died? _

_What if he had a seizure and lost all brain functions? _

_What if…_

These were all things that Dr. Cullen had said were possible. Being in a coma was a difficult thing to endure for both the patient and those close to them. The "what if's" plagued every waking moment away from the hospital and some nights while I was even asleep.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter and clenched my jaw.

_He's fine. He's sleeping. He'll wake up. He'll be okay._

Once I arrived, I spotted Dr. Cullen looking over some paperwork a few doors down from Edward's room. As I drew nearer, he looked up and smiled softly at me. I could see something hidden in his eyes, but I was afraid to ask.

"Good morning, Bella." He lowered the papers and pressed them against his hip as he slid his pen in his pocket.

"Good morning. Charlie says hi," I said quietly.

He smiled wider and nodded, acknowledging the message from my father. "Bella, can I have a moment of your time? I have something I need to discuss with you."

"Um, sure, I guess. Is Edward alright?" I asked, hoping my voice didn't give away how scared I truly was.

He nodded once and waved his hand for me to follow. Every step my heart pounded louder in my chest.

"Bella, last night Edward showed signs of waking up," Carlisle said as he pulled out a small chair at a little round table. He held his hand out toward the chair and smiled.

I sat slowly, letting his words bounce around in my head as I tried to understand what had changed. "What's that mean?" I managed to croak out.

"It means that he is coming out of the coma. It often takes a few days for the patient to regain full consciousness. He'll wake up for a few minutes at a time over the next few days if everything continues to go well. The nurses are checking on his levels every hour to look for signs of brain activity. I need to ask that if you see him moving around, blinking or making any kind of noise, that you get a nurse, alright?"

I nodded quickly and swallowed.

_Edward's waking up. Just a few more days. He's going to be okay._

"If he says anything, I need you to write it down; it could be important. Sometimes patients say things as they are waking up that are part of a dream or memory."

I nodded again and smiled. "I can do that. So he's going to be okay then?"

"So far his signs look positive, but we won't know for certain until he's completely awake, talking and eating on his own again."

"Should I have you paged or anything?" I asked.

"No, all of the nurses here know to have me paged when his vitals change. I'll be upstairs in the west wing. It only takes two minutes to get here from Pediatrics. I just wanted to make sure you knew what to expect. I trust you'll let Jasper know when he comes by later?"

"Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cullen."

"No, thank you, Bella. Edward's never had friends like you or Jasper, and I'm sure it will mean the world to him that you guys stayed by his side through all of this." He smiled as he stood and pushed his chair back in. I jumped to my feet and hugged him spontaneously; I was just so happy to hear that Edward was waking up. He chuckled and patted me on the back gently before I let go. "You're a good kid, Bella. Thanks for being there for my nephew." He tucked the paper work under his arm and walked toward the elevator without another word.

I could barely contain my excitement. I ran back down the hallway and straight into Edward's room. He still looked the same with all the tubes in him and his eyes closed. I frowned at the sight, but reminded myself that it was a slow process. I took my seat beside the bed and began reading.

When Jasper showed up at a quarter to noon, he looked really tired. I was tempted to ask him if he was okay, but he didn't look up to talking. He walked over to Edward's iPod dock and looked for a song to play. I told him the news and gave him the instructions in case Edward woke up, then headed home. Jasper never said a word to me – he just nodded.

Alice came over for lunch, and we watched the movie _Hackers _while I did laundry. I told her about Edward, and she decided to go by for the last hour of Jasper's visit. She asked to borrow my truck, promising to be back before I normally left. I could see the excitement of spending an hour with Jasper hidden behind her eyes, so I tossed her the keys and told her to drive safe. She squealed as she hugged me and dashed out the door.

A few minutes after she left, there was a knock at the door. My first thought was that it was Alice, so I glanced around the room to see what she had left behind. "Coming," I called, after not spotting anything.

I pulled open the door and stood there shocked. What kind of emergency or terrible news would bring _her_ to my doorstep?

"Hi, Bella. Can I come in for a few minutes?" Rosalie asked.

I nodded and held the door open, not certain what to really say. We hadn't really talked since we were little, and I couldn't even imagine what would bring her to my house after so many years.

"So, I can only imagine what is going through your head right now," Rosalie said as she stood between the kitchen and the living room, wringing her hands and staring at the floor.

"Have a seat," I said, waving my hand toward the couch. I sat down in Charlie's recliner and scooted toward the edge as my legs bounced with anticipation.

"First, I want to apologize. I know you don't think of me as your friend after so many years, but I never stopped thinking of you as one. I've been a terrible person and an even worse friend, and for that I'm sorry." Rose looked up at me with her head slightly lowered and swallowed.

"I never stopped thinking of you as a friend, Rose. I just figured we grew apart. You _are_ a year older than me, and we never had much in common."

"I was slightly jealous of you, and I neglected our friendship when you needed someone most, Bella. Don't try to take the blame off of me."

"You were, like, seven, Rose. You can't honestly say that you knew what you were doing or the psychological effects it would have on either of us later. I don't blame you. Besides, who wanted to be friends with the depressed girl that everyone was whispering about?" I shrugged at my own words, trying to play off how unimportant the whole situation was to me.

"Bella, your mom had just left. We grew up as best friends and, suddenly, I go off to first grade and stop talking to you. You can't honestly sit here and pretend that you didn't hate me for it or weren't at least bothered by it?"

I bit my lip. She was right; it _did_ bother me. "It just felt like everyone was meant to abandon me. I dealt with it and moved on. I don't hate you though." I looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction, and was surprised to see her chin wrinkled and her lips trembling.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," she whispered before covering her face with her hands.

I moved to the couch quickly and hugged her. I hated seeing people cry, especially people I knew. "Shh," I whispered. She sniffled a few times before pulling herself together. After she wiped at her eyes, she smiled sadly at me and turned on the couch to face me. "Why were you jealous?" I asked, remembering her comment.

"It's so stupid, really," she said through a chuckle. She sniffled again and looked down at her hands. "I was jealous of you and your dad's relationship. He worships the ground you walk on, and I always felt like I could never be good enough for my dad. When your mom left, I could see how it hurt Charlie, but he still treated you like his princess when he was home. I always wanted that."

I looked down, not able to meet her gaze. I always knew that my father loved me unconditionally. We were all each other had. I felt bad for Rose, and I didn't know what to say.

"That's kind of related to the second reason I'm here," she said after a long pause.

I looked back up at her, confused, and waited for her to explain.

"When I go off to college, no one will be there to take care of my mom. I know Jasper won't do it; he hates her, and my father is gone a lot. I'm not as worried about my mom as I am Jasper though. He's really… distant. He holds a lot of his feelings in, and I can tell that something has bothered him for years. He keeps secrets from everyone and pushes them out. He does drugs and skips class, often not coming home at all." She paused, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. "Bella, I know I have no right to ask you for any favors, but would you do something for me?"

She looked over at me slowly, her eyes slightly red from crying and her brow furrowed. I'd never seen her look so distraught and filled with worry. I nodded, and she smiled very faintly.

"If Jasper starts acting strange or misses classes, would you call me in California and let me know? I'm really worried about him, and kind of panicked about not being here to keep an eye on him. I'm afraid he's going to drop out or do too many drugs one night or get in a car accident."

"You can't protect him forever. What will you do when he's eighteen and moves away?"

"You sound like Emmett," she said with a smile. "I know I'm being really over protective, but he's my baby brother, you know? Sometimes, I feel like he's the only family I have. I know he hates my guts, but I love him and I worry about him."

There were some days that I was jealous of Alice for having Emmett. I always wondered what life would be like with a brother or sister to look after me, but then I remembered how I liked solitude and got over it. Hearing Rose talk about Jasper though, made me wish I knew the feeling. In a way, I did – I had Charlie and Alice. They were both family to me, and I told Alice everything, but it wasn't the same. I wanted someone to take care of me, not the other way around.

"I'm sure he loves you too, Rose," I said quietly, not certain what to really say.

She laughed and nodded. "Yeah, in some distant, forced, sibling DNA sort of way, but I know he couldn't care less about me. I've always been a bitch to him, taking the role of the matriarch because our mother is a drunken loser."

I frowned at her words. I didn't know things were so bad for her family. "He has a friend though. They seem to look out for each other."

This time she frowned and rolled her eyes. "Edward is a druggie just like my brother, and if I had any say, he would go back to where he came from."

I was completely shocked at the words that came out of her mouth. She barely knew Edward. "You know he's in the hospital, right?"

She glanced at me and narrowed her eyes before huffing loudly. "For an overdose, probably," she mumbled.

Everything shifted, and I couldn't hold back my rage that was quickly growing. "He's in a coma, Rose. He was my friend, and he has the shittiest past you can imagine, and he might not remember anything for the second time in his life. So if you're going to be a judgmental bitch, you can leave. I'll look out for Jasper and call you if things get bad, but only because I promised." I stood and scowled at her. I knew I was probably out of line, and she really didn't deserve my cruel words, but I couldn't take them back now.

Rose sat on the couch, her mouth hanging open. "What… what happened?" she asked quietly, her voice filled with shock.

"No one told you?" I asked, still slightly irritated.

"No. Told me what?"

I sat down on the couch, bouncing slightly as I leaned against the back and sighed. "He had some kind of panic attack and collapsed. He's in a coma. He hadn't been sleeping or eating and was dehydrated. Dr. Cullen says he's showing signs of waking up, but they have no idea what he will remember, if anything this time."

"What do you mean by this time?"

"It's not really my place to tell his past."

"I promise I won't say anything. I had no idea, I'm sorry."

I sighed again and thought everything over. I decided to give her the bare minimum. "His parents died a few years ago, and he was in a coma. He didn't remember anything when he woke up. Please don't say anything; he never wanted anyone to know."

Rosalie stared at me, her mouth still hanging open in shock. "Oh my God, how horrible. I can't even imagine what it must be like to forget everything."

"He's not as horrible of a person as you think he is. Yes, he smoked, and trust me, I'm against it just as much as you are, but he isn't doing crack or anything like that."

"So that's where Jasper's been going every day?" she asked.

"Yeah, he stays at the hospital for a few hours in the afternoon while I'm at home."

"You mean you go and see him too? He's in a coma; it's not like he knows you're there," she said, sounding completely confused.

"I know. Dr. Cullen said it could help him remember. I go in the morning until Jasper gets there and then go back in the early evening when he leaves. I stay until the nurses tell me to leave."

"You care about him, don't you?" she asked.

I felt my cheeks flush, and I looked down at the floor.

"You do," she said after a moment when I didn't answer. She pulled me into a hug and squeezed me tightly. "He'll be okay, Bella. Nothing _that _tragic ever happens in Forks. I think this town had its dose of gossip for a century when your mother left."

I laughed awkwardly and nodded as I pulled back. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"I promise I won't say anything. I'll even work on Emmett not being so pissy about you and Alice hanging around Jasper and Edward. He's just protective of his little sister like I am about Jasper."

"Thanks, I appreciate that. Emmett needs to learn to keep his nose out of other people's business anyway," I said with a chuckle. Rose nodded and smiled. "And I promise to keep an eye on Jasper when you leave. He's kind of like a friend now anyway, with everything that happened to Edward."

"Thanks, Bella. I really appreciate it."

We discussed her college options, and she told me about how Jasper pushed their dad when he got up in her face about not going to his choice for school. We talked about her and Emmett, and how she was excited about moving away to college and starting a new life with him. I could see in her eyes that she really loved him, and it made me happy that Emmett had something nice in his life. We were talking about our old friendship and what it was like for both of us growing up when Alice returned.

"Hey, Bella. You're good to go. Jasper said that he didn't wake up yet, but the nurses are hopeful. He even smi—" Alice came to a sudden halt as she rounded the archway into the living room and saw Rose sitting on the couch. She shut her mouth quickly, and her eyes were wide and panicked. She looked to me, back at Rose and then back to me.

I burst out laughing and got to my feet. "Ali, it's okay. I told Rose about Edward being in the hospital. She knows Jasper is there. Your face is priceless by the way," I added as I burst out laughing again.

Rose stifled her laughter as she looked down at the floor. She slowly got to her feet and looked at Alice. "Hi, Alice. I should head home and start dinner." She turned and gave me a quick hug before heading for the door. "Thanks for listening, Bella."

"No problem, Rose. I'll see you at school on Monday," I said, as I walked her to the door.

"What the _hell_ was that?" Alice asked, very slowly.

"She's worried about Jasper. She wants me to keep an eye on him when she leaves for school. She also came to apologize for not staying friends over the years."

"Who the hell does she think she is? She can't just expect everyone to butt into Jasper's business just because she feels the need to do so. He can live his own life. I hope you told her to fudge off and go play princess elsewhere," Alice said, as she crossed her arms over her chest and huffed loudly.

"I told her I'd keep an eye on him, and she agreed to get Emmett to ease up on us being friends with Jasper and Edward," I said, as I took my keys from her and grabbed my bag.

"You can't be serious! You agreed to… wait. What about Emmett?"

I laughed and shook my head. "Alice, she knows, okay? Relax. It's not like I'm going to play mother to Jasper or anything, but if he starts getting into drugs and any kind of trouble, I'll let her _and _Charlieknow about it. We're all going to look out for each other. That's all."

"But she said she would get Emmett off my case?"

"Yep," I said, nodding.

"So I can start dating him now?" she asked, her voice going up an octave.

"I wouldn't jump the gun, but I can't see why he can't _sit _with us at lunch when school starts. I wouldn't go kissing him in front of the whole cafeteria or anything just yet."

Alice rolled her eyes and sighed, but a bright smile slowly crept across her lips. "He smiled at me when I left. Not like a normal smile, like a grin-smile. Like an 'I like you' kind of smile."

I shook my head and laughed. "That's awesome, Ali. I'm happy for you. Now, do you want to come with me back to the hospital or are you going home?"

"I'm heading home. I promised Mom I would do my chores before bed tonight if she let me come hang out for a while."

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then."

./.

When the nurses came in to check Edward's levels, they noticed he had shown more brain activity around eight that night, but I never noticed anything. I had gone home feeling like a loser for not noticing that he was awake and promised myself to pay more attention the next day. During the morning, he didn't show any new signs, but during Jasper's stay he did; he even opened his eyes.

Jasper didn't look too good. I could tell he hadn't slept well, if at all in the past few days, and he was wearing a long sleeve white shirt which only made him look paler. He walked a little stiff and kept wincing, but I didn't press him for details – it wasn't my business, even if I was curious and concerned.

Edward didn't wake up during my stay that night, but Dr. Cullen came by and said that things were still looking good for Edward. He told me to go home and get some rest, but I didn't want to leave; it was only eight. Eventually, he told me that Charlie had stopped by and asked that the hospital send me home a little earlier from now on. I groaned and rolled my eyes, but I was slightly touched by how much trouble Charlie went through to look after me. Dr. Cullen squeezed my shoulder and said that he would stay with Edward for the rest of the night. I couldn't really refuse to leave; he was _his _nephew, and he deserved time with him as well.

So, I went home, got some sleep and dreamt of Edward. It was a terrible dream, and I didn't remember much of it by the time I woke up, but that feeling of dread was present in the pit of my stomach. I was really anxious to get to the hospital. I fixed breakfast, hugged Charlie goodbye after promising to be home by eight-thirty and left for my second home – the hospital.

The nurse said that he showed more signs of being alert during the middle of the night, but they weren't sure if he fully woke up or not because it didn't last long. However, later that evening, Edward fully woke up. I had run from the room to get a nurse as panic coursed through me, but I heard him call me back, and he sounded so sad that I couldn't just leave him there.

It turned out my fears came true, and Edward didn't remember me or Jasper or Forks in general. My emotions took over, and there was no way I was going to let two men see me cry over something so selfish.

When I returned the next day, I spent some time with Edward rehashing some of our past – the lighter parts, anyway – and then I read to him like I always did. I went home that night feeling the oddest mixture of emotions I ever remembered feeling all at once. I was terrified, excited, confused, ecstatic and depressed all at the same time.

I left the next morning without even writing a haiku or eating breakfast. It was a Saturday, so Charlie had left early to go fishing which meant he wasn't there to scold me for not having anything to eat. When I got to the hospital, Dr. Cullen explained to me that Edward was already remembering some things from his distant past, and it could be a matter of hours or days before he remembered Forks. He was hopeful, so _I_ tried to be hopeful, but when Edward didn't wake up during my morning visit, I grew depressed.

"Hey," Jasper said quietly from the doorway. His head was down and his hair was in his face. He was wearing another long sleeve shirt and leather jacket, even though it wasn't that cold out.

"Hey, Jasper," I said quietly as I stood. I collected up my things and offered him the seat. He shrugged and turned his head away. "What's wrong?" I asked, not able to keep my curiosity quiet anymore.

"Nothing. I'm fine," he said quietly, clearing his throat afterward. "Has he woken up again?"

"Once last night before I left; he was awake for maybe fifteen minutes. Then again, late last night, Dr. Cullen said."

"Did he talk at all? Remember anything?" Jasper asked, still turned to the side.

I slid against the side of the bed to face Jasper more, trying to get a glimpse of his face. "Yeah, we talked for most of the fifteen minutes. He doesn't remember Forks at all, but Dr. Cullen said that he remembered some things about his mom last night."

"Oh. So… he doesn't remember us then, does he?"

I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "No, but the odds are good that he will, soon."

"That's good. Thanks for letting me know. I'll see you later, yeah?" he asked, wrapping his arms around his torso tightly.

I leaned to the side and gripped Jasper's chin, forcing him to look at me. He winced and closed his eyes, the leather squeaking as he tightened his grip around his jacket. I looked at his face and dropped my hand as I gasped.

"Jasper, what happened?"

He winced again and turned away, casting his eyes downward at the ground. "I didn't win this time," he mumbled.

"Your father did that, didn't he?" I asked sharply.

"Just stay out of it, Bella. It doesn't concern you," he said as he flopped down into the chair and dragged his hands down his face.

"It does concern me. I consider you my friend, and if someone hurt you, you should do something about it. Tell my father, tell your mother. Just tell someone. You don't deserve to be hit, Jasper, no matter how angry you make someone."

Jasper laughed, throwing his head back and smiling darkly. "Tell my mother? Right. I'll get right on that." He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it back and sighed heavily. "Listen, thanks for the concern, but I'm fine. It was a onetime thing, and it won't happen again. Just, please, drop it," he said quietly, glancing up at me with wide eyes and a sad expression. He had dark purple bruises around one eye and on his cheekbone. The opposite side of his lip was split open, and his jaw line looked a little swollen.

I swallowed and exhaled as I nodded once. "Fine. But if I see you with so much as a busted lip or a funny limp, I'm telling Charlie."

"Thanks, Bella." Jasper stood and walked around me toward the iPod dock and hit play on a song. I recognized it as _A Perfect Circle_, but wasn't sure which one. The opening lyrics were familiar, and I could recite them perfectly – I just couldn't place the title. Jasper passed me again and sat in the chair, glancing up at me awkwardly.

"Sorry, I'll leave. Let me know if he wakes up?" I asked as I moved away from the bed and toward the door.

Jasper nodded and mumbled something that sounded like agreement before I walked out.

./.

Edward woke up while Jasper was there, but not for very long. He slept the remainder of the afternoon and evening, but woke when I came to visit him on Sunday morning.

"Hey," I said quietly as I lingered in the doorway.

"Hey, come on in," he said, gesturing toward the chair in the corner. "What book are you up to now?"

I smiled at the irony, and held my bag against my chest like a teddy bear. I was up to the tenth book in _The Sandman _series, and it was about the main character, Dream, waking up as a different version of himself. "_The Wake_, actually," I replied.

Edward laughed, his eyes lighting up as he grinned. He looked so full of life and happiness, and it made me wonder if he had remembered anything else while I was away. I tore my eyes from him and unzipped my bag, pulling the second-to-last book in the series out, and dropped everything else to the floor with a quiet thud.

"You don't have to read, you know. I mean, I… I read that one recently, or rather, what felt like recently. It's kind of depressing anyway, so I understand if you want to skip it." He was rambling, and I wanted to chuckle at the sound of his voice struggling to make everything sound okay when obviously he was nervous or bothered.

I thought for a moment before glancing back up at him. "I didn't bring the next one, though."

"That's okay. We can just talk or something, instead."

My lips lifted into a giant smile that I couldn't stop if I tried and I nodded. I pulled the book close to my chest like it was a shield for my heart and bit at the corner of my lip. "Alright, what do you want to talk about?"

"Tell me more about Forks, you know, school, the people, Jasper, you – anything that comes to mind. If I have to go back tomorrow, I feel like I should be prepared."

"They're making you return so early?" I asked, utterly shocked. _He just woke up two days ago._

"I kind of pushed for it, actually. Carlisle and I were talking about it, and I realized how much school work I was behind on. If I wait another week, my chances of graduating next year are pretty slim. As it is, I'm going to have to bust my ass and do make up exams after class or on Saturdays or something. Carlisle is talking with the school about it today, actually. I guess they were having some kind of faculty conference, so the timing worked out." He looked down at the bed and rubbed his knees through the blanket. He looked nervous.

"So when are they releasing you?" I asked, still slightly shocked that he was going to be so responsible and not milk his condition for everything it was worth.

"Later this afternoon. Dr. Gerandy gave the okay as my doctor, and Carlisle signed off as my guardian. They wanted me to stay another three days, but my vitals are all fine, and I've gone through enough CT scans and other procedures to last me a decade. They found nothing wrong, so I argued to be released. I think they were both a little shocked, but they understood."

"So do you have any kind of orders to follow? Like no sleeping more than so many hours or foods to stay away from or other ridiculous rules to abide by?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Edward laughed and shook his head. "Not really. Carlisle is taking a week off work so he can make sure I'm doing alright. They are giving me a few days to see if I manage to sleep without any medication, and I have to take a drug test once a week for God knows how long. Other than that, I'm pretty much rule less," he said with a smirk and a shrug.

I beamed at him, unable to contain my excitement. Everything sounded like it would be normal for him. I was also ecstatic to see him in such a good mood; the few times I had ever talked with him before, he was always upset or hiding something.

"So, how about you fill me in until Jasper gets here, and then he can take over from where you left off? I need to know what I'm going back to if I'm expected to fit in and pretend like none of this ever happened." He smiled as he pulled his legs up, sitting up in bed, and rested his arms across his knees.

For a moment, my heart ached from his words. He wanted to go back to how everything was before. He wanted to be a distant, quiet and secretive asshole who was too attractive for his own good, and who had no interest in me what so ever. The idea of lying to him crossed my mind – telling him that we dated and we loved each other, but then what would happen if he _did _remember soon? He would hate me for lying to him, just as I had hated him for doing drugs and keeping things so guarded when all I wanted was to get to know him.

"Bella?" he asked, his voice shaking me from the spiral of depressing possibilities. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and forced a smile across my lips as I thought of where to start.

"Nothing, I'm just trying to think of where to begin. You know how we met and a little bit about Jasper and Alice, not sure what else to tell."

"Tell me stories of things we've done, places we've gone, things I've said. I hate feeling like I'm missing some inside joke or something when a bunch of people laugh, and I don't get it," he said.

So I told him everything. From the discussion while I made pizzas at Alice's birthday party, to the run in at the grocery store and even the Valentine's fiasco at the diner. I refused to look him in the eye while I told the embarrassing bits, but he didn't seem to mind. He laughed at the parts where I made a fool of myself, and groaned when I told him about the fight in the parking lot when I discovered him smoking with Jasper. I ended on a lighter note by telling him about our planned meeting at La Push Beach, and how I was going to give him the Spanish Inquisition.

"After all that, I wouldn't have blamed you for the third degree. I'm sorry I can't answer those questions for you now, though."

"It's alright. Dr. Cullen pretty much told me what I wanted to know, I just wish I knew sooner. Maybe I could have helped and you wouldn't be sitting here struggling to remember your life all over again," I said quietly with a shrug.

"Hey, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. I didn't let anyone in, not even my own uncle. I brought this on myself; I'm just sorry it affected other people as well. This is why I never had friends back in Chicago."

I flinched slightly at the severity of his words. _Was he wishing he hadn't made friends here? Did he regret knowing me?_

A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts, and I sniffled as I turned to see who it was.

"Hey, Jasper," I mumbled as I quickly wiped at my nose and stood.

"Am I interrupting?" Jasper asked curiously.

I shook my head and grabbed my bag, gesturing for him to sit down. "Not at all," I whispered.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow, Edward," I said as I headed for the door.

"Wait, Bella," Edward called.

I paused but didn't turn around. My eyes were already wet with tears, and it was taking every bit of strength to hold my sobs back. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what had made me so emotional, but I was overcome with the intense feeling of being unwanted – rejected.

"Can I hang out with you guys tomorrow? You know, to get my bearings and not feel even more like an outsider?" he asked, his tone quiet and apologetic.

Not trusting my voice, I nodded and rounded the corner, taking a few steps before I broke into a run. By the time I reached my truck, tears were falling freely and sobs tore through my body. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, my knuckles paling from the tension and lack of blood flow before I pounded on the leather covered steering wheel. My fists slammed against it repeatedly as I cried out in frustration and devastation.

_He didn't even know me yet, and he still didn't want me._

./.

Dinner with Charlie that night was awkward. He knew Edward had woken up, and he knew that he didn't remember anything from Forks, but that didn't stop Charlie from asking constant questions. He wanted to know what Edward planned on doing about school and what Dr. Cullen, or as he referred to him, Carlisle, was going to do about helping him remember.

I knew Charlie was just trying to strike up conversation, but after Edward's comment at the hospital, I wasn't in the frame of mind to handle talking about any more "what if's." I glanced at the white board, noticing Charlie hadn't changed his word yet from the night before, and headed upstairs for bed.

My dreams were a jumbled mess of reality crossed with fears, and I woke up sweating as I kicked off the blanket.

_Was Edward at home, sleeping right now? Was he dreaming, too? Had he remembered anything else yet? When would he remember me, and what would it take for that piece of information to click into place for him?_

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, as my head swam with insecurities and forced me to face the reality that tomorrow everything would change. I glanced at the clock and groaned. Strike that, _today _everything would change.

I slowly dressed for school, fixed breakfast and met Ali in front of my house.

"So, is he going to be there today?" she asked.

I nodded as I started the engine and threw the truck in reverse. The drive to school passed quickly with Alice chattering the whole way beside me. I parked in my normal spot, cut the engine and looked around. Jasper and Edward weren't at school yet. I was still worried how the rest of the school would treat him. Would they know?

The thought that anyone would know, besides the teachers, was crazy, and I shook my head as Alice and I walked toward my locker. _How could the students know?_ It's not like it was on the news, and he wasn't friends with anyone but Jasper. I stowed my books and two of Alice's, then closed the metal door and spun the lock. I hugged my first period book to my chest as I turned around and took a step forward, running right into something incredibly hard.

I registered a groan followed by a few various thuds before I realized what I had done. I eyed a few scattered books on the ground and familiar black boots only a foot or so in front of me. Slowly, my eyes traveled up as my mouth caught up with my brain.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" I cried out, one hand flying to my mouth and stared into green eyes.

An odd expression that was somewhere between confusion and familiarity crossed Edward's face for a split second, followed by a blank stare for a few lingering moments, and then his lips turned up into the sexiest grin I'd ever seen.

"That seems to be the only thing you can say," he replied very quietly, his voice raspy and… seductive?

I stared into his eyes, completely confused for an unmeasured amount of time as I tried to make sense of his response.

Suddenly, my breath caught in my throat, and I stumbled back.


	17. Ch17: With You

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: TRDancer and AFWife]_**  
**

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Radiohead - Creep. Linkin Park - With You.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

Also _HUGE_, MASSIVE, **AMAZING **thanks to Mels78 for all the lawyer/legal/law help in this chapter. You, my dear, are **_epically_** awesome, and I will praise you until the end of time.

*** This chapter discusses very sensitive topics - if you read chapter fifteen, you should know what I'm referring to - consider yourself warned ***

* * *

_"Fine line between this and that, when things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real.  
I'm trapped in this memory, and I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react.  
So even though you're close to me, you're still so distant, and I can't bring you back."_  
~ Linkin Park – "With You"

**With You  
Chapter Seventeen  
EPOV**

_There's a red truck, squealing tires and a glint of sun reflecting off of rusted metal. Her deep brown eyes and dark wavy hair demand my attention, and I can't look away. Her eyes stare up at me through long lashes, and her trembling fingers are held to her faintest of pink lips._

"That seems to be the only thing you can say," I whispered, my voice cracking, but I could feel my lips lift into a semi-grin. My mind repeated the words that were echoing in my head from an unknown time and place a second sooner than I had spoken them. It was the most intense sense of déjà vu I had ever had; it was like watching a movie you had forgotten you had seen, but suddenly knowing the next line when the bad guy says some infamous dialogue that gets remembered for decades.

"Wha-what?" Bella asked, coughing slightly as she spoke.

My lips slid up into a smile as a sense of appreciation washed over me.

_I remembered something, and I wasn't dreaming. _

"I said, that seems—"

"No, I heard you," she said, cutting me off.

Alice looked at her curiously, like she was off her rocker or speaking some alien language.

"Then what?" I asked with a hint of teasing to my voice.

"You remembered," she whispered, more like a statement than a question.

Alice gasped, her eyes focusing on me as if in studying me I would reveal some secret.

I shrugged, not really wanting to elaborate on how much I had remembered. I kind of wanted to keep part of it to myself. It was the first thing I truly remembered while awake, and it was in front of three other people I was supposed to know, but didn't.

I was grateful, but uncomfortable.

"No, seriously. You remembered that first day, didn't you?" she asked, pressing the matter.

"Listen, we're going to be late to class, and I still have to find which building I'm in… again. We can talk about it later," I said quickly.

"You're in first period with me," Jasper said calmly from beside me.

Bella and Alice continued to stare at me relentlessly until I finally sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Yes, but just pieces, and it was completely out of context. Like a myriad of images strewn together. Later, alright?"

Bella nodded quickly and swallowed – her eyes still wide. I wanted to laugh, but she would probably think I was being rude. I hitched my backpack up higher on my back, clutched the straps and turned to Jasper.

"Lead the way then."

As we walked across the campus toward the small building offset from the rest, I could feel the tension in the air between Jasper and I.

"Just say it," I said with a sigh as we slipped into our seats.

"You seriously remembered back there?" he asked.

I nodded and pulled my books out.

"How did it happen?"

"What do you mean, 'how did it happen?'" I asked with a slight edge to my voice.

Jasper leaned back and furrowed his brows. "Like… I don't know. Did it come to you as conversations, or random snippets, or just like a feeling?"

I stopped what I was doing and turned to look at him. _Was he always this random and weird? _"I don't know. It was like déjà vu with images and words."

"So you remembered the whole day or something?"

"I don't exactly remember the whole day, so how would I know it's the whole day when I _do_ remember it?" I asked sharply.

He just stared at me, no reaction, no comment – just stared. I held his eye contact, almost like it was a challenge, until he finally said, "Huh" and turned toward the front of the class.

Our trig teacher handed our tests back first thing. When he got to my desk, however, he slipped me a yellow note.

_Mr. Cullen,_ the paper read.

_It has been brought to the faculty's attention that you were absent the four days prior to spring break due to an extreme medical condition that was unforeseeable. Due to the severity of this circumstance, we have been instructed to set aside one hour a week to meet with you in an attempt for you to catch up. I wish to emphasize the importance of taking this second chance seriously as it will be the only opportunity you are given to meet the requirements of your junior year. Your time and day for the meeting is below, and will continue for four weeks or until you are caught up – whichever should happen first. If for some reason you fail to meet the requirements at the end of the four weeks, you will be forced to repeat this class next year or during summer school._

_If for any reason the time and day does not suit you, please contact me or Principal Greene A.S.A.P._

I was scheduled to meet with him at ten-to-three on Wednesdays for an hour. I groaned as I folded the paper up and shoved it in my binder. _Fuck this. _I seriously didn't want to repeat junior year, but I also wasn't very keen on spending another hour every day at school. Maybe I could find a way to catch up without having to stay after sixth period.

When the bell rang, I told Jasper I would see him at lunch and waited for the room to clear.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Ah, yes. Mr. Cullen. How can I help you?"

"I was wondering if staying the entire hour would be required, or if I could just turn in the work every week and just check in if I had any problems with the assignments?"

"Well, part of the thought process was that you missed four classes, so four weeks, one day a week would make up your attendance and allow time to go over the material." He paused and looked toward the door as he scratched the back of his balding head. "However, if you can prove to me this first week that you can make up the material without the hour lecture, I'll allow you to just turn in the work on Wednesdays and receive the next weeks work. Remember, this isn't just covering four days' worth of work, but also helping to prepare you for the SATs and exams."

"I understand, Sir. Thank you," I said politely.

"Don't disappoint me, Mr. Cullen."

"I won't. Thank you," I said excitedly as I walked out of the classroom. _One down, five more to go._

I stared at the paper with my class schedule and building number on it, trying to memorize the words on the page before shoving it back in my pocket.

I slipped through the door seconds before the bell rang and glanced around for an empty desk. There was a huge guy, probably a senior, with curly black hair and a round face seated next to the only empty seat. I made my way toward the back and sat down, pulling my books out quickly and quietly. I glanced at the guy beside me and swallowed loudly.

_He has logs for biceps._

He caught me staring and smirked before shaking his head. I focused my attention back on the board, but I could still feel him looking at me, and it was making me nervous.

_Did I know him? Are we friends? Enemies? Did he kick my ass? Did I screw his girlfriend or sister?_

My mind raced as I tried to recall anything about him, but nothing clicked like it had earlier. _Fucking brain._

"Look, man," the big guy beside me said quietly, speaking toward his desk. "Rosie told me what was up, and I'm sorry. Let's try and start over and I'll try to not be such a prick, but you still better keep your hands off my little sister. I can't say much for Bella, because she's not family, but she's close enough to count, so be good to her."

_Wait, what? What the fuck was he talking about?_

I gawked at him, my mind reeling as I tried to form a sentence. "What?" was all I managed to croak.

He turned to look at me, eyes narrowed, and studied my face. "Holy shit. You really did forget, didn't you?"

It was my turn to look at him through narrowed eyes.

"Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a prick, I just thought that she was pulling my leg or some shit. Damn, dude. That shit sucks."

"I'm completely lost, so forgive me for not following along, but what the hell are you talking about?"

He reached his hand across the desk – a lefty – and waited for me to take it. We shook awkwardly due to my uncertainty if I should offer my left or right, and he slowly lifted the corner of his lip into a smirk.

"I'm Emmett. It's nice to meet you, again," he whispered so that no one else could over hear us. "I'm Alice's big brother and boyfriend of Rosalie, the blonde hottie."

_Alice. Right. Holy shit! Why is she, like, barely five feet, while he's easily six foot four? _

"Alright, but still lost. Who told you what and why?" I asked, shaking my head to clear my thoughts.

"My girl told me to ease up on you, so I'm keeping my word. She can get pretty hostile sometimes, you know? Anyway, she told me to lay off giving you and Jasper a hard time, and that things have changed for you. I know Bella digs you, so I'm not standing in her way, but I swear to Jesus, Mary and Joseph that if you _fuck _with her, I'll come back from California and bury your body myself. We cool?" he asked nonchalantly with a nod.

_He's crazy. Plain and simple, this guy is crazy._

He chuckled, the noise sounding completely wrong for his appearance, and I realized that I was nodding. He clapped one large hand on my shoulder and smiled. "Good. Glad we understand each other."

Spanish passed in a daze as I replayed Emmett's words in my head. _Bella _digs _me. _How did he know that? Did she tell him?

A familiar shade of yellow slid across my desk, forcing me back into the real world of Spanish and homework. I glanced up at the person attached to the hand holding the paper, and Mrs. Goff gave me a curt nod and turned, walking back to her desk. The slip said pretty much the same thing; except I was to meet her on Thursdays, and it was all in Spanish. I shoved it in my binder behind the other note and waited for class to end.

After a little ass-kissing, I managed to work out the same deal with Senora Goff as I had with my trig teacher.

I headed to third period, feeling slightly better about the day than when it first started. _At least I woke up, _I had told myself, trying to look at the bright side. Jasper had stayed rather late last night to help me get my shit together for school. We sorted through my books and binders for my assignments, managed to finish a few of the papers that were due the last day before spring break and talked about which students to avoid. He even met me at my place in the morning so I could follow him to the school. I wondered how I happened to meet Jasper and how our friendship had progressed as I walked to third period.

English went smooth and I scored three for three in the convincing department. Mr. Berty wrote the assignments from the book on the back of the paper and told me they were due in four weeks.

Coach Clapp wasn't as easy, however.

"Edward! Take five with me, will you?"

"Sure, what's up, Coach?"

"Look, about this make-up business, I really don't know what they expect me to do. I can't just give you a pity A or anything, but I don't see the point in making you run laps after school. That feels too much like punishment. So, I was thinking about it last night and decided that if you wanted to make up the grade, you could donate your time."

"I appreciate that, Coach, but I don't know what you're getting at."

"Well, we rarely have enough people working in the concession stand during the games, and I figured the game usually runs four hours. So, you work four hours at the concession stand at the next home game, and you've got yourself an A for this term. Sound like something you'd be interested in?"

_Me? Work in a concession stand selling hot dogs, soda and candy bars to the entire school? _I thought about the alternative, four Friday afternoons spent running laps for an hour, and sighed heavily before nodding. "Alright. When's the next game?"

"The first Friday of May," he replied.

"Alright. Thanks for giving me the second chance," I said.

"Anytime. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know."

I nodded; he waved me off and I jogged back into the group doing warm up laps. I tired quickly and was a little light headed, but it felt amazing to stretch my legs and feel my heart pumping – I hated being bound to the hospital bed, forced to eat Styrofoam and smell the sterilizing agents. I was thankful to be out of the hospital, that was for sure.

Coach Clapp dismissed us ten minutes early, and I followed the crowd into the cafeteria. I was surprised by the selection of food they had for such a small school, and then I wondered if I had thought this the first time I walked through this line a few months prior. I tried to focus on my surroundings, willing anything to come back to me, almost forcing myself to remember, but nothing happened. I sighed in frustration, paid the lady and turned to find a seat. It was then that I froze and realized I had no clue where to sit.

_"Fuck my life," _I whispered to myself.

I steadied the tray with one hand and ran my hand through my hair with the other. _Should I just sit anywhere, look like a moron and have to move when someone tells me I'm not welcome there? Do I just stand against the wall like an idiot and wait for Jasper or Bella to show up in five minutes?_

"Hey," a familiar voice said from beside me.

I jumped half a foot and grabbed my tray before it spilled all over the floor. It was Emmett.

"You sit toward the back, near those double doors. Second table in, on the right. See it?" he said quietly as he pretended to buy something else from the lady.

I nodded once and headed for the table as if he hadn't said anything to me. I took my seat, slid my tray onto the table and sighed heavily. _Remember to thank him later._

Remember. The word was the bane of my existence. If I could banish one word from the English language, it would be the word "remember." Half the time I didn't _want _to remember, a quarter of the time I wanted to remember, but not all at once – I wanted the ability to pick and choose what I remembered. The other quarter of the time I was scared to decide either way.

_What if remembering changed my life forever?_

_Well, that was a given, but what if it was bad? What if I had trusted the wrong people, taken the wrong path, lived the wrong life?_

_What if I wasn't anything like I am now, and I liked who I was supposed to be better?_

_Do I even like who I am now?_

"Hey, you remembered where to sit?" Jasper asked as he slid in across from me.

I shrugged, not sure if I wanted to respond or not. I sighed, feeling exhausted from constantly making the same decision: do I tell, or don't I?

"No, I had help," I said and left it at that.

When the girls joined us, it felt awkward. Alice kept looking to her left toward Emmett's table and tugging on her lip. She was sitting beside Jasper, across from Bella, but she was at least an arm's length away from him, and she looked tense.

"So, how much have you remembered so far?" Bella started.

I hung my head and sighed as I stared at my plate.

"I'm sorry. You're probably tired of hearing that. I…" She bit her lip and looked away, twisting the cap off of her lemonade and just holding it tightly.

"No, you're curious. I get that. It's just overwhelming, you know? I'm trying to be patient, but I don't know how to do all of this."

"Oh my God, you have so much shit going on. I'm such a bitch – I didn't even think, I… God, Edward, I'm sorry. Forget I asked. Ask me anything. Whatever you want to talk about," she said, rambling as her eyes darted from me, to the table, to her hands and back to me nervously.

She was so flustered it was kind of cute, and when she said my name it tugged at something inside of me. I added it to my list of things to get her to do or say more often and held back my laughter.

"It's okay, really. I should be used to it, but I'm not. They would ask me every day in the hospital the first time I woke up," I said, thinking back to the blue gown, white walls and alcohol stench.

I could see she was just dying to ask me something, and I couldn't hold back my laughter this time. "Seriously, just say it," I said through a laugh.

She bit her lip and looked down, her lips turning up slightly in a smile. Jasper chuckled and rolled his eyes as he peeled the pepperoni off of his pizza. I watched him as he picked at it curiously.

"He really is leaving us alone, isn't he? He's going to just drop it, like nothing ever happened," she said, staring at Emmett's table.

I glanced in the direction of the booming laughter and then looked back at Alice. The tips of her jet-black hair were upturned like little strands on a feather, and her face was very narrow and pointed. Her rounded but defined cheek bones and bright, wide eyes were the only similarity between her and her brother.

"He talked to me today in second period."

Everyone's head turned back toward me.

"Really?"

"Wow."

"What did he say?"

All three of them asked in various tones, overlapping each other.

"He said that his girlfriend laid into him. She told him to back off, and that he had the right to tell me to keep my hands off of his sister, but he couldn't keep me… well, he said that I better be nice to you," I said, nodding toward Bella as I finished speaking.

The silence was awkward for a moment until Jasper lifted his pizza and took a bite, chewing slowly.

"I guess I should thank Rose for holding true to her word," Bella said softly.

Jasper stopped chewing and glanced at her, his face frozen in an odd shape. His jaw extended and slightly off to one side and his cheeks hollowed. He swallowed and coughed. "What?"

Bella turned and frowned at him, but didn't say anything.

"What did she do this time to put her nose in my business?" Jasper asked.

"She and I talked… about personal stuff between us, you know… when we were little. Afterward, she said she would tell Emmett to ease up on the four of us, and she would make sure he didn't interfere with our… friendships."

"Huh." That was the second time Jasper was speechless today, only replying with a grunt. I wondered if this was normal for him but decided to not ask.

The rest of the day was pretty damn boring after that. I had Advanced Biology with Bella, but it didn't feel very advanced compared to Chicago, and Mr. Banner said that he wouldn't budge on the after school time and meeting. I could either be there with him for an hour on Fridays or forget about catching up. I contemplated my chances of passing if I didn't show up, but I didn't feel too confident in the odds.

Mr. Jefferson didn't need any coaxing, however. In fact, he flat out told me that if I showed up on Tuesdays after class, there would be no one here, so I shouldn't even bother. He gave me a printed copy of his lectures from his planning book and told me to study for the finals in a few weeks. Jasper wasn't surprised; apparently Mr. Jefferson couldn't care less about government, he only taught it to meet the full time status. If this was U.S. History on the other hand, well, then I would be screwed, Jasper said.

As I walked into the parking lot with Jasper, I heard someone call out my name. I turned around and saw Bella running to catch up, and Alice a few paces behind her.

"Hey, I was wondering if you needed any help with catching up in biology? We can study together or I can make copies of my notes for you or something. You know, if you want," she said nervously, breathing heavily from running.

I restrained the smirk that was trying to slide across my lips and gave a nod instead. "Yeah, that would be cool. Not tonight though. Maybe you can come by tomorrow? I kind of made plans with Jasper today."

"Oh. Um, yeah. Sure. Sounds good," she said awkwardly.

"Alright. I'm sorry, really. Thanks for offering."

"Yeah, hey, it's no problem."

"I'll see you tomorrow then?" I asked hopefully.

She nodded once and tugged on her lip. "Yep. See ya."

"Catch you later," I said as Bella turned to walk away. She stopped in her tracks and held her breath as if she was going to say something else. She slowly turned her head back toward me and furrowed her brows. After staring for a moment, she shook her head, turned away quickly and jogged toward her truck.

"She likes you, man."

I took a double glance at Jasper before I burst out laughing. I turned back to the car and shook my head as I clicked the fob.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"No shit, Sherlock," I said while laughing. "What gave you that impression?"

"Well, I was just making sure you knew. You should go for her," he said, sounding slightly defensive.

I snorted and rolled my eyes at him before getting into my car and starting the engine. Once in the security of tinted windows and leather seats, I allowed myself to exhale deeply and think. Bella Swan not only _digs me_, in Emmett's words, but also _likes me_, according to Jasper. I didn't really know what to do with that kind of information; I'd never had a girlfriend before or been on a real date.

I went with girls back in Chicago, mostly just for a night, but sometimes it would last a week or so. Tanya was always the exception. Something about our chemistry while naked just worked, but when she was clothed, she was a total psychopath bitch. I didn't really see myself as boyfriend material – at least, not the me from Chicago, but it seemed like I had become a different kind of me in Forks. The kind with friends, and…

"Come on, man," Jasper called as he honked his horn.

I threw the car in reverse, hit play on the CD player and headed home. _MUSE_ started, and I groaned, not in the mood. I clicked forward to disc three, previewed a few songs and then stopped when I heard the familiar sound of heavy bass lines as they rumbled the interior. I sang along to the first verse of "With You" by _Linkin Park, _the words hitting a little closer to home than I had anticipated.

A lot of things were reminding me of my mother today. From Bella's long flowing hair, to the way the light had filtered into the living room this morning as I was leaving for school, to the lyrics of a random _Linkin Park _song.

_"She had AIDS, Edward."_

Carlisle's words echoed in my head, and I gripped the wheel tighter. _Did I want to know everything or did I want to continue with my life, remembering things as they came to me?_

I pulled up to my house, Jasper behind me, and we made our way into the kitchen. I glanced at the fridge and read Carlisle's schedule that he had left for me. He'd be home within the hour. I glanced back at Jasper and ran my hand through my hair.

"Hey, Jasper?" I asked.

"Yeah?" he replied, grabbing a soda from the fridge.

"Would you mind if we did this tomorrow or something?"

"You told Bella you'd study with her tomorrow."

_Shit. _"Right. Well, you guys could both come over and hang out. Make it a 'help Edward remember what the hell he was doing in school' day."

"Something wrong, man?" he asked, popping the top on the can.

"I think I need to talk to Carlisle about some shit, and I just… I don't think I'll feel up to company afterward."

He studied me for a moment before pushing away from the counter. "Sure. Give me a call if you change your mind, and I'll come back by."

"Thanks. I appreciate all of your help." I walked him to the door, feeling like shit for canceling on him. He had already done so much to help, and we were going to go through the rest of my school stuff to see how far I was on my previous assignments. I was completely at a loss for words on how I had managed to make such a great friend, even if I didn't remember anything about him.

I threw myself onto the couch and put my feet up while I waited for Carlisle to get home. The TV screen was dark, and I just sat and thought while I stared. I focused on the dreams of my mother and every detail I could remember, like the color of her hair and her eyes. When I closed my eyes, I could picture the light streaming through the window and lighting up the keys on the piano as she played.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, the front door was closing. I jumped, throwing my feet to the ground and leaning forward.

"Whoa. Calm down, it's just me," Carlisle said as he set his keys on the table by the door.

I exhaled slowly and leaned back against the sofa. "Hey," I said after I caught my breath.

"What are you doing out here? I figured you would be upstairs with Jasper or something."

"No, I asked him for a reprieve today."

He looked at me for a moment, and I huffed. I was tired of people studying me like I was a lab rat who just did a trick. "Something wrong?" he asked.

I looked away and fidgeted on the couch before I found my voice again. "I was wondering if you would tell me more about my mother," I said quietly.

Carlisle stood there, frozen for a moment before time seemed to start again. "Alright," he said slowly. He sat down on the bottom step and started untying his shoes as he watched me. "What did you want to know?"

"Anything. I'm tired of not knowing. I know I said back in Chicago that if I didn't remember it, I didn't want to hear it, but I've changed my mind."

"Are you sure, Edward? I understand why you made the decision to not know. I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you to remember."

"I'm sure. I didn't want to know before because I wasn't remembering anything. I felt like if someone told me, it wouldn't be real anyway. I couldn't picture any of it to give it substance, but I can now. I can see her smile and hear her voice. I know the exact shade of her hair, the types of dresses she wore and what she sounded like when she cried. I want to know."

Carlisle stood and joined me on the opposite end of the couch. He settled in, leaning an elbow on the arm rest as he gripped the back of his neck. "Alright. But you need to know that this could change some of your dreams if you continue to have them. You could start blurring images you've remembered yourself with things I tell you. It will be more difficult to differentiate between memory and imagination. You need to understand that."

"I know. I'll deal with it. I just need to know about her. Why she started playing, what she did after she got sick, _how _she got sick, what my father was like, what kind of law he practiced. Everything."

Carlisle smiled faintly and leaned against the sofa with one arm over the back, and his body turned toward me. "Alright. Edward met Elizabeth in college. They both attended the University of Illinois. He was a law student, and she was studying music. I remember our mother was curious what a woman would do with a degree in music besides teach, but Elizabeth didn't let it bother her. Our father thought that Edward could do better, but they were in love, and there was no tearing them apart. Everything always seemed to work out for your father."

I smirked at that, and Carlisle chuckled, his eyes unfocused as if he were lost in thought.

"Anyway, we fell out of touch for a few years while I was still in high school. One day the phone rang, and it was Edward. He wanted to take Mom, Dad and I out to dinner. It was the first time I had seen him since he left for college. He took us all out to a fancy place and announced that he and Elizabeth were expecting a child. Our mother was ecstatic, but our father was bitter. He gave Edward the third degree, 'Where are you going to put a nursery in a dorm room?', 'How are you going to afford medical bills with school loans?' so on and so forth. Edward didn't let it get him down though – he was on cloud nine, and Elizabeth was simply radiating joy. It was hard to not smile around her.

"He and I stayed in touch after that. He was getting ready to finish up Law School, and I would visit him and Elizabeth once a week and listen to her play. I would work on homework, and we would have pasta for dinner and play cards while talking about movies or music. It felt like a family to me, and I had my brother back in my life." Carlisle sighed heavily, scratching at the back of his neck as he closed his eyes.

"We were nine years apart, so we were never very close growing up. Our father was a doctor, and so he was disappointed when his first son chose law over medicine, but what shoes Edward didn't fill, I gladly jumped into hoping to please him. He was a bitter man, and when he died two years before I graduated, he left me and your grandmother most of his money and property. Edward got very little, but he had expected it.

"I'm getting ahead of myself, though. The night you were born, Edward was working in the library for a major project and was almost late to the hospital for the delivery. I remember Elizabeth cussing him out something awful. That was the first and only time I heard your mother swear." Carlisle grinned, chuckling under his breath. I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my lips at the thought. _She'd probably be horrified by my mouth._

"She eventually dropped out of her master's program, not able to keep up with the work, recitals, and taking care of a baby. Edward finished up law school and passed the bar while she stayed home with you."

"What about her family? Why didn't they help out? She shouldn't have given up music for me," I argued, suddenly upset that I had been the cause for her to give up something she loved.

"She didn't give anything up, Edward. She got more than she dreamed of when she had you. She still had her music, but she had a new passion for life as well," he said with a smile. "Her family is an entirely different story. I don't know much about them – she never talked of them much. She had a sister; I've told you about her briefly. Susan ran away when she was sixteen, only hunting Elizabeth down when she needed money to pay for drugs. It broke Elizabeth's heart every time she mentioned her sister, so I avoided the topic."

"I just can't believe she went to school for so long and just quit when she was close to finishing. How many years until she would've graduated?" I asked.

"A year or so, but the pressure was a lot on her. Honestly, Edward, she wanted to stay home with you. She had her music, and her boy and the love of her life."

"So then, how did she get sick?" I asked, my stomach flipping over as I clenched my hands tightly, afraid of the answer. I knew how most people contracted AIDs, or rather, HIV. Sex or drugs – that's what you hear in school and in the media. So which statistic did she fall under?

Carlisle sighed heavily and crossed one leg at the ankle, squeezing his calf slightly as he stared at the coffee table. "You were a little over a year old, and Edward managed to convince her that everything would be alright for one night. I came over to watch you while they went out for a night on the town. Edward had just passed his bar exam, and announced that they were moving to Chicago, and I didn't mind spending time with my nephew while they went out to celebrate. They got dressed up, I slipped Edward some extra cash and they left for dinner."

_Rape, attack, mugging. _Horrible thoughts and images swam in my mind as I waited for Carlisle to say the inevitable.

"They had a great dinner, and we were walking around the corner to hail a taxi, when they heard a guy holler. I still remember Edward replaying the story for me later that night when they got home. We thought little of it at the time. Well, it turns out the guy hollering was being attacked, and a loud gunshot echoed through the night a few seconds later."

_Mugging, attack, gunshot. _My mind raced with possibilities – endless gruesome images.

"Elizabeth and Edward ran to help the guy that had been shot as the attacker fled down an alley. Elizabeth slipped on the concrete and landed on her hands and knees. Edward helped her up and got to the victim a few seconds later while Elizabeth shouted for help. Edward had learned enough growing up with our father to know how to treat a wound, so he ripped off some of the guy's shirt, and tied it around the gunshot wound. He told Elizabeth to apply pressure while he ran around the corner to the restaurant to call for help.

"When the ambulance arrived, they took the guy to the hospital, and Edward and Elizabeth came home with the understanding that the guy would be alright. The cops and paramedics didn't really do their job that night – they were under staffed, so they didn't get Edward or Elizabeth's information. They just took the guy straight to the emergency room and claimed there were no witnesses; after all, it was just some random mugging. Elizabeth was worried all night, and Edward and I spent a few hours calming her down and telling her he would be okay. I spent the night because it was late, and Edward didn't want to leave Elizabeth alone to drive me home. She kept repeating that it just wasn't right what people do to one another."

I was completely lost. _Where was he going with this?_ _When did she get attacked? Did the attacker come back?_ "So then, how did she get HIV?"

"They never heard anything more about the guy, and life went on. No one even thought about it after a week went by. She didn't notice anything was wrong for almost six months. She went in for a checkup, because she was feeling constantly run down, like a persistent cold or the flu, and she was worried about getting you sick. She just went in for general antibiotics; she didn't know that visit would change her life. They did blood tests, and checked to make sure she didn't have pneumonia or anything serious, and when the blood tests came back, they showed she was HIV positive."

"I don't understand. She was never injured or… taken advantage of," I said quickly, trying to find the missing piece to make sense of it all. _Where's the statistic?_

"She did get injured. When she and Edward ran to help the stranger, she tripped and fell. She scraped up her hands and knees pretty badly and then applied pressure to the gunshot wound. The shirt had soaked through, and she had fresh cuts on her hands. That's all it took." Carlisle was staring sadly into my eyes as I processed his words.

_But how? She didn't do anything to deserve it. She was just helping someone. That's not fair. _"That's not fair!" I cried out, slamming my hand on the back of the sofa.

Carlisle reached out, laying a hand on my knee, but I jumped to my feet, not wanting his words or comfort. I wanted justice, fairness, and it just wasn't right.

"She didn't do anything to deserve it! So she helps a guy and gets a death warrant for it? How is that fair, Carlisle?" I screamed.

Carlisle stood and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I tried to fight – struggle out of his grip – but he just held me tighter. "I know. I know, Edward… I know. It's not fair."

I gripped his shirt, my nails digging into the fabric, as I felt rage inside of me aching to be released. I wanted to smash something, hurt someone, destroy anything. He held me to him, not letting me go for an immeasurable length of time. I had so many questions swimming around my head: _how did she find out – put two and two together? What did my father say? How long before it became full-blown AIDs? _

I took a deep breath, slowly releasing his shirt and pulled back. He finally released me, resting his hands on my shoulders and staring at me. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly in his doctor tone.

"How did they figure it out?" I asked, hoping he understood what I was referring to.

"Elizabeth knew that she wasn't sick when she had you; she had regular checkups and everything was fine. She literally spent a week in the apartment, sitting at the window and thinking over everything she did and had come in contact with. It was when Edward came home talking about a shooting downtown that she figured it out. She drove two hours from Chicago to Champaign, went down to the hospital, and didn't leave until they pulled the records and confirmed the man admitted that night had died later in the ER and tested positive for HIV."

"What did my father think?" I asked quietly.

Carlisle sighed and sat back down on the sofa. "At first, he was angry. He thought that she was keeping something from him. They argued for days until she figured it out. He apologized of course, but it affected their marriage that he doubted her at first. I think he always blamed himself for having her stay with the man while he went for help. The more he thought about it, the more outraged he became about the crime in the city and the injustice. He was serving as a clerk in an appellate court in Chicago at the time, barely making enough to pay the bills, and he decided then and there that he would go into criminal law as a prosecutor when he finished his two-year term."

"So what did she do? Was she really sick all the time?" I asked, my heart aching at the words.

"No, the first few years she managed fine. She played music and took care of you and Edward. The medical bills piled up, and your grandfather refused to help, but they managed. I came by while you were still pretty little before I started college and looked after you sometimes when she had bad days. When I went to college though, everything changed. Edward started working as an assistant prosecutor for Cook County and surrounded himself with cases that kept him up late and out often. He started bringing home more money, but at the cost of his time, and it devastated Elizabeth." He shifted on the sofa slightly and patted the seat next to him.

I sighed and slowly sat back down on the edge of the couch and buried my head in my hands. "How long until…" I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Eleven years. She managed to keep it at bay for over a decade before her body just couldn't fight it anymore and succumbed to AIDs. I was finishing up my schooling, and I didn't visit anymore, but I called her on the weekends. Edward was always out fighting crime, seeking justice for everyone. I think he thought if he sent every bad person behind bars, it would take back that one night, but nothing could cure Elizabeth, and he didn't want to face that, so he kept busy."

"He just left her home all day to fend for herself and his kid?" I asked, outraged. _What kind of chicken shit does that to his sick wife?_

"He didn't know how to handle it, Edward."

"Bullshit. He didn't want to face reality," I screamed.

"Edward, there was nothing anyone could do!" Carlisle said, pleading with me.

"He could have been there for her. He could have loved her more," I said through my teeth. _I don't want to hear anymore. My father was a coward, and my mother didn't deserve the pain she lived through. _I got to my feet and took the steps two at a time slamming my bedroom door behind me.

_Is nothing right or fair in this world?_


	18. Ch18: Meet me on the Equinox

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: TRDancer and AFWife]_**  
**

**A/N: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

This takes place four days later, on Friday.

_

* * *

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_"Meet me on the Equinox; meet me halfway.  
The sun is perched at its highest peak in the middle of the day.  
Let me give my love to you; let me take your hand.  
As we walk in the dimming light.  
Oh, darling understand… that everything, everything ends.  
Meet me on your best behavior; meet me at your worst.  
For there will be no stone unturned, or bubble left to burst."_  
~Death Cab for Cutie – "Meet me on the Equinox"

**Meet me on the Equinox  
Chapter Eighteen  
BPOV**

"What time is it?" Alice asked.

"We have fifteen more minutes if Mr. Banner keeps him for the entire time," Jasper mumbled as he looked away from his phone.

Alice swung her feet as she sighed heavily. The sun was beating down on us and warming up the bed of my truck; it was an unusually warm day for April. I closed my eyes and laid down on the metal, my legs dangling off the edge of the tailgate.

It had been a week since Edward woke up in the hospital, and he was already remembering things. Yesterday it was the move with his uncle, and their trip to furnish the house. He said his Chuck Palahniuk book reminded him of that weekend, because he had begged Carlisle for it. A few days ago he got strawberry Jell-O from the cafeteria, and he remembered bumping into me at the grocery store, which then triggered the fiasco of Valentine's dinner to come rushing back to him. I was embarrassed all day when he told me, but he didn't say anything more about it. He remembered a few other things, like parts of Alice's birthday party, and our first conversation after six weeks of silence, but he hadn't remembered anything about Jasper, and we all could see that it was bothering him to be the only one forgotten.

We'd spent all week helping Edward get his school stuff together and organized, and even finished most of the assignments he didn't turn in before spring break. While Edward would work, Jasper and I would silently do our homework, just listening to music or a movie in the background. It kind of felt like we were Harry, Ron, and Hermione, except I couldn't figure out who was supposed to be who. Every hour or so we would all go out on Edward's balcony while he smoked a cigarette, and we would bullshit about bands and genres or a new movie and it's unoriginal plot until he was done.

Yesterday he had his checkup at the hospital, and they said everything was normal, and that it was a good sign he was already remembering. He didn't tell us anything else about the visit, but I could tell something was bothering him when he came to school today. I couldn't be certain if it was because of something that happened at the hospital, later that night with his uncle or possibly a dream, but I couldn't bring myself to ask.

"Now what time is it?" Alice whined.

"It's only been two minutes, Ali. Chill or go home. Jesus," I groaned.

"Well, excuse me," she replied, exaggerating the words unnecessarily.

Jasper chuckled softly, the bed of the truck shaking very gently. I heard a faint smacking noise, and I opened my eyes to see Alice glaring at Jasper.

"What'd you hit me for?" Jasper squeaked, clutching his shoulder.

Alice crossed her arms and looked away childishly, but I could see her lips pull up into a slight smile before she had fully turned.

"Why do all girls hit guys?" I said lightheartedly, suppressing a snort.

Alice gasped, whipped her head around and stared at me wide eyed, mouth agape. I shrugged as I grinned, flinching away as she moved to smack me on my elbow. I rolled out of her reach, and she nearly fell backward trying to over-extend. Jasper leaned away, avoiding the flying limbs, and I laughed as I sat up.

"Take that back!" Alice said with a scowl.

"Nope, because you know it's true. Hell, Jasper knows it's true."

Alice gasped again and leaned forward to swat at me from in front of Jasper. He leaned back, resting his hands on the truck bed behind him and smirked as he watched the girl fight happening literally across his lap.

"I think I chose a bad place to sit," he said through a chuckle.

"Or a good place, depending." I avoided Alice's reach and hopped off the tailgate, stretching my back with my hands on my hips. Jasper slid off the tailgate as well and glanced back toward the school.

"Man, Mr. Banner is a dick. He's finished the work, why can't he just turn it in and go?" Jasper asked.

"Because he's a dick," I replied.

"I bet he's going to keep him up to the very last minute," Jasper huffed.

"Probably."

"Hey, has he remembered anything today?" Alice asked, still sitting on the edge of my truck.

I glanced at Jasper, and he shrugged. "He hasn't mentioned anything to me," I said quietly to Alice.

"Hm. I wonder why he can't remember Jasper," she said to no one in particular.

"Alice!" I scolded, glancing at Jasper before turning to glare at Alice.

"What? I'm just voicing a legit question. Maybe Jasper has some theory," she said as she continued to swing her legs.

"Not really, although a part of me doesn't want him to remember me from before," he said quietly as he kicked a large rock across the parking lot and watched as it skidded across the ground.

"Why?"

"Some things are better forgotten," he said as he dug his hands in his pockets and raised his eyes back toward the school entrance.

Alice and I glanced at each other curiously. Had Jasper told him about being abused? Were my suspicions right about his father?

"There he is," Jasper said loudly.

Alice and I turned our heads and saw Edward walking toward the parking lot. She jumped off the truck, and closed up the tailgate.

"Ready to go, man?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, let's get out of this hell hole before I hurt something," Edward grumbled.

"What happened?" I asked.

"He's just an asshole, that's all. I don't really want to talk about it," Edward replied.

"We still going to La Push?" Alice asked cautiously.

"Yeah," he said with a nod, unlocking his car.

Alice hopped into the passenger seat of my truck as Jasper and Edward got into their cars. I slid onto the truck bench, started the engine, and led the way toward the beach.

It was colder on the shore, and I shivered as I mentally cursed about not bringing my jacket from the truck. I glanced at Alice, who was wrapped up in her knee length jacket she had gotten from the thrift shop in Port Angeles before Christmas. She was watching Jasper from the corner of her eye as we all walked along the beach. I smirked and rolled my eyes as I turned to look at Edward. His eyes were focused far away, not really paying attention to Jasper as he told us about the tides and how they can suck you under.

Edward looked thinner than before his hospital stay. He looked lean and sickly then, but he looked like a really tall pile of bones now. His long sleeve, V-neck shirt hung loosely on him, and my stomach sank to think about how much he must weigh. He looked at me suddenly, catching me staring, and I sucked in a quick breath as I looked straight ahead. My teeth started to chatter and, I sniffled as my nose ran slightly.

"Are you cold?" Edward asked, interrupting Jasper's rambling.

"N-n-no," I said through chattering teeth.

Edward sighed from beside me and stopped, turning to look back the way we came. He looked down at his shirt as he furrowed his brows like he was contemplating something, and then turned back toward me.

"I can run back to your truck, just give me the keys," he said, holding his hand out.

"N-n-no, I'll be fine. R-really-y."

His eyes shifted from me to behind me, and his lips lifted slightly. I spun around and Jasper was shrugging out of his leather jacket. He handed it to me and when I didn't take it right away, he stepped behind me and threw it over my shoulders.

"T-thanks," I sighed, slipping my arms into the sleeves that were way too long and covered my fingers. I balled my hands into fists, curling the cuffs into my palms, and crossed my arms tightly. The inside was already warm, and the scent of leather made me smile and think of Charlie.

"No problem," Jasper said as he pushed the sleeves of his white, long sleeve shirt up to his elbows.

"So what happens when you burn it?" Alice asked, continuing the conversation she and Jasper were having before my chattering teeth interrupted.

"The flames are blue," he said with a smirk. "I'll show you. There's usually some driftwood on the other side of that cliff," he said, pointing up ahead.

We walked along the waterline for a while, and the only sound was the rushing water as it hit the sandy beach and then retreated back. The large cliff that Jasper had pointed at was easily one-hundred-feet high and thirty-five-feet across. I knew we would have to run across the damp sand just as the water started to retreat so that we could make it around the face of the rock before the water crashed against it again.

"Alright, see how the water hits the base of the rock and splashes up the side slightly? When the tides are high, it can reach almost half way up that cliff. Right now it's not bad, but we still have to make a run for it. So we have to time it just right. See how it hits the bottom, and then rushes back?" He asked, leaning toward Alice. "We have to start running just as it hits the rock. It wouldn't reach any higher than our knees, but I doubt you want to get soaked," Jasper said with a grin.

We all watched the water hit the cliff again, and then rush back. I'd done this a few times, so I wasn't worried, but I could tell Edward was a tense. I studied his face discreetly, and noticed his jaw was clenched and his nostrils were flared. I reached over and took his hand gently, and he shot me a surprised look.

"Run with me?" I said, trying to pretend like I was more scared than I really was. If he had to act cool for me, maybe it wouldn't bother him so much.

He nodded once and looked back at the cliff.

"Alright. Three… two… one… run!"

I squeezed Edward's hand tightly and took off running. He was much faster than I was, and I pushed my legs faster to keep up. He glanced back at me with a worried look on his face, and I put every bit of force into my body to propel me forward. Alice was half screaming, half laughing as she ran beside us, gripping onto Jasper's hand tightly. The rush of the water told me it was coming back, but I knew we would make it. I let go of Edward's hand once I knew we were clear and bent down to grip my knees as I caught my breath.

"That was a rush!" Alice said excitedly, trying to catch her breath.

"Try doing that when the tides are high and the water's quicker. _That's _a rush," Jasper said.

I guess he's been down here a lot.

"You okay?" I asked, looking up at Edward.

He nodded once and dug his hands in his pockets.

"Driftwood!" Alice called out as she started running toward the piles of wood in the distance.

"Hey Edward, can I borrow your lighter?" Jasper asked.

"Sure." He pulled it out of his jeans pocket and tossed it to him before turning to walk toward the driftwood. I followed a few paces behind him and watched Alice as she rolled pieces of wood together.

She moved two logs that were the perfect height to sit on beside each other, and then waited for Jasper to catch up to us.

He was carrying tiny chunks of wood and sticks that had fallen from the trees. He dropped the chunks at his feet by the base of the wood pile, and struck the lighter, holding it to the tip of a stick. It took a few tries, but after a minute or so, it caught fire. He stuck it between the piles of driftwood and picked up another stick, repeating the process. After five minutes, we had a low fire going, and the flames were a light lavender and blue. We moved the log benches to be out of the wind path, and sat down.

"I've never done this before. How'd you learn about the driftwood?" Alice asked Jasper.

"My dad used to take Rose and I down here when we were young and Mom… when Mom wasn't feeling well. We'd swim until the tide got too strong for us, and then he would start a fire. You don't want to breathe in the smoke if you can help it, it's really bad for you, but it makes a cool fire."

"What makes it turn blue like that?" she asked.

"The salt water and other chemical reactions from soaking in the ocean for so long react to the heat and cause it to burn hotter than a normal fire."

We watched the flames for a while as the sun hid behind the clouds. It was getting colder, but the fire definitely helped. I pushed the sleeves of Jasper's jacket up and stretched my legs in front of me.

"Warm?" Edward asked, looking down at me from his spot beside me. His eyes were glowing with various shades of green and blue.

I swallowed as I nodded. "Yeah."

Alice scooted closer to Jasper, and he put his arm behind her, resting his hand on the driftwood as his skin brushed against her hip. She leaned into him slightly and his lips lifted a tiny bit. I forced myself to not chuckle. They were finally admitting to _each other _that they were interested. I was happy for them.

"What did Carlisle tell you guys about my… life from before Forks?" Edward asked quietly.

I frowned and looked up at him, but his eyes were focused on the fire. I glanced back at Alice as she shifted and leaned against Jasper's side. Jasper brushed his hand up against hers, resting his thumb and two fingers over the top of her knuckles and cleared his throat.

"Not much, really. He said that you had retrograde amnesia or something like that, and it was caused by the attack the night your parents died," Jasper said calmly.

"He said something about you dying that night as well, but then you started breathing again. You were in a coma for a week, and when you woke up you didn't remember your life at all." I said, remembering his uncle's words from that frightening afternoon. "Why do you ask?"

"I've been asking Carlisle about my life the past few nights… I wasn't sure if you guys wanted to hear it or not," he said quietly, almost like a question.

"Of course we want to, if you're ready to tell us," I said, turning more to face him.

He hunched forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "I asked him about my mother. She was in a lot of the dreams I had while in the coma."

"You remembered your past?" I asked, perhaps too excitedly.

He just nodded and swallowed. "Parts. When I started waking up, I had dreams between moments of consciousness. I remembered her playing piano, and my dad talking about cases and work, and so I decided that I was tired of feeling in the dark. He told me about my parents on Monday, and I… I didn't handle it so well. I'm sorry for being a dick on Tuesday, but I didn't sleep much that night, and I was still upset. Wednesday night I asked more about my father, and that night I dreamt he and my mother were arguing about him working too much. Last night, though, I asked him about… their – our – murder, and what happened while I was in a coma." His nails dug into his arms as he squeezed tightly and took a shaky breath.

I wanted to comfort him, hug him, something… anything, but I wasn't sure if he would be okay with that or not, so I held still and waited for him to continue.

"You mean you never asked him this before? Or did you forget?" Jasper asked curiously.

"I never asked. I actually told him I didn't want to know."

"How come?" Alice asked.

Edward sighed and let go of his arms, sliding his hands through his hair roughly instead. "Because… I was stupid, I guess. I don't know. I told myself that if I didn't remember, I wasn't meant to know. I felt like being told about my life wouldn't make a difference to who I am now. The few things the hospital had to tell me felt fake – like a story or a headline you read – and it didn't make any sense. I mean, you can't even imagine what it feels like to be told some guy is getting away with your parents' murder when you don't even know who they were. Oh, and by the way, everything is left to you, what do you want to do with it?" Edward asked sarcastically. He huffed loudly, tugging at his hair at the nape of his neck. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly.

"I had no clue who these people were to me. Did I like my father? Was he an ass? Did he hit me? Was my mom even my real mom or was I a step son? I had no idea what my feelings were or should be, so when they tried to tell me things, I felt like shit because I knew I should feel something for them, some kind of remorse, but I felt nothing. Not an ounce of love or a drop of grief, because I didn't know who I was supposed to grieve in the first place."

He blinked quickly and a tear rolled down his cheek, hitting his pant leg and leaving a dark spot barely visible in the fading light of the sun. My heart broke into tiny pieces for him.

I didn't know what to say.

"So what has Carlisle told you?" Jasper asked bravely.

Edward let out a faint, short chuckle and shook his head. "Shit I didn't want to hear, really." He turned and looked at the three of us through sad eyes. "Seriously, if you guys don't want to hear it, just say so. I don't know why I brought this up in the first place. I shouldn't be burdening you all."

I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I reached across the foot of space between us and gripped his right hand tightly in mine. He stared into my eyes, lingering for a moment before he turned his head back toward the flames. He turned his hand over, palm up, and didn't pull it away when I laced my fingers between his.

_He's letting me comfort him._ My heart seemed to jump in my chest.

"My father and Carlisle were nine years apart. Carlisle was still in high school when I was born, actually. My father became a lawyer, and my mother dropped out of her master's program one year before finishing her music degree. A little while after I was born, she got sick. She didn't find out until a few months later that she had HIV."

Alice and I gasped quietly. I gave his hand a squeeze, and he shut his eyes.

"She didn't do anything wrong to deserve to be punished that way. She and my father helped out some guy who had been mugged and shot, and she contracted the virus because she had fresh wounds on her hands from falling. They didn't figure out that's where it came from for a week though, and my father got mad at her – he blamed her for not being faithful or lying to him. It broke her heart. Once they traced it back to that accident, he apologized, but they weren't very close after that, Carlisle says. He pulled away and threw himself into work and cases after he graduated, and she looked after me, spending her day at the piano whenever she had a free moment."

"Did either of you contract it?" I asked cautiously. I didn't know if he was okay with us asking questions or not.

"No. Of course Carlisle doesn't know if it was because of abstinence or caution that my father didn't get it, but I never got it because she was careful around me. He said that she doted on me; I became her reason to get up every morning. I guess she and Carlisle were close friends. He would come over and study when he started going to college, and she would fix him dinner or play cards, but when his college work got harder, he stopped coming around. She didn't get really sick until it became full blown AIDS eleven years later, but it didn't really matter, she died a year after that."

"That's still twelve years or so with you that she got to have," I said softly, rubbing my thumb over the side of his hand.

"Yeah, thirteen years actually. Thirteen years with a husband who hid in his work so he didn't have to face his sick wife. Thirteen years of her life I can't even remember. Thirteen years that could have been fifteen or even twenty, if it hadn't been taken away by some psychopath," Edward said bitterly, clenching his teeth.

"You're remembering though. It will come back, man," Jasper said from beside us.

"Yeah," he replied somberly. He took a deep breath, and I squeezed his hand, urging him to continue.

He looked at me from the corner of his eyes and his lips twitched slightly. I smiled sadly at him and stroked his thumb, the sensation of our skin touching sent chills through my body.

"My father was a prosecutor for Chicago. He dealt mostly with smaller crimes, but he was always pushing to go after the big guys – the mob. Carlisle thinks that my father figured if he could lock up all the criminals in Chicago, it would make up for what happened to my mother, so he was in court as much as he could and constantly working cases late at night. As she got sicker, it must have registered with him that he couldn't keep the hours he was; she needed him to help take care of me. Carlisle thinks he cut back on his hours for six months, but then a huge case came along, and he couldn't pass it up. He won, for all it was worth, and tried to get better medication for my mother, but they were killed a few months later." He pinched the bridge of his nose and clenched his jaw repeatedly.

"Do you think it was related to his case?" Jasper asked.

"The police thought so, but they looked into it and couldn't make anything stick. Without a witness or matching DNA, they're stuck. The blood found didn't match anyone in the database," he said tiredly.

I could tell he had put a lot of thought into beating himself up and blaming himself for not remembering – the pain and guilt was etched onto his face.

"So… did your uncle tell you what happened that night?" Alice asked.

Edward shook his head and stared at the blue flames as they grew brighter. "He doesn't really know a whole lot. My parents were shot once and then stabbed numerous times. The police think I woke up shortly afterward, but it's all just speculation. I somehow ended up on the bathroom floor, unconscious, bleeding out, and water in my lungs."

"Oh, my God," I mumbled as I turned away from Edward and stared at the fire in shock.

"Carlisle said you died," Jasper said quietly.

"I did. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital my heart stopped. They tried shocking it, but I didn't respond for two minutes. They finally got it going again just before they reached the hospital, and they took me into immediate surgery. They figured I would have some brain damage due to the lack of oxygen for so long."

"So does any of that kind of tie into the dreams you were having before the coma?" Jasper asked.

"I don't really remember those dreams, but I had one that sounds similar to what Carlisle told me. I wake up in a bedroom and get out of bed but freeze when I hear footsteps down the hall. I hide behind the door, and someone comes in and touches the bed. I run out the door and head for the stairs, but the bathroom light is on and it hurts my eyes. I squint and slow down slightly just as I get to the top of the stairs, and someone grabs me from behind and covers my mouth. They turn around, and the white light from the bathroom blinds me, and that's when I wake up," he said quietly, shrugging his shoulders.

"You told me about the dreams before. You mentioned salt, white light, a shadow under the doorframe and your back being cold. It sounds like it could be the same dream. Maybe that's what happened that night," Jasper said. Edward looked at him and nodded slowly.

"Yeah, it could be. I don't know." Edward sighed and closed his eyes as he turned away, pulling his hand out of mine.

"Do you regret knowing?" I asked after a moment of consideration, my hand still warm and tingling. I immediately missed the feel of his hand in mine.

"Honestly?" he asked, glancing at me. His green eyes were so bright I felt like I could get lost in them. I swallowed and nodded, trying to keep my focus on the conversation and not how much I wanted Edward to like me. His jaw tensed before he looked back at the flames. "Yeah. I do."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because then I wouldn't be burdening you guys with this. I could go back to being ignorant, completely oblivious asshole that's pissed at the world and doesn't let anyone in. Now I feel like I'm pissed at myself, and the unfairness of the entire situation, and I hate that you guys feel obligated to talk to me or be my friend just because you got dragged into this shithole known as my life. I never meant for anyone else to be involved in my bullshit. I didn't want anyone to give a damn or get close enough to know me because I don't fucking know me, and I just hate it. I hate all of it." He stood up quickly and shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked around the log and back toward the cars.

I glanced at Alice and Jasper who were frowning. Jasper furrowed his brows and nodded toward Edward. I bit my lip, not sure if I should do as he was suggesting and go after Edward or not. He nodded toward Edward more urgently, and I sighed.

"Fine," I mumbled as I stood and turned to run after him, praying silently that he wouldn't bite my head off. His long legs were moving quickly, but not quite running, and I caught up to him easily. I reached out and touched his forearm gently but he kept walking, pulling away slightly. I flinched at his reaction, my heart sinking slightly, but I tried again. I gripped his arm and tugged slightly, a wave of panic coursing through me as I nervously waited for him to turn and face me. He stopped suddenly; his back still to me and his head hanging low. His shoulders rose and fell slightly as he turned, eyes cast downward and body tense.

"Edward, wait," I whispered.

"Don't," he said through tight lips and a dejected voice.

"Don't what?" I asked, utterly confused.

"Don't pretend to care anymore, please. You don't need to pity me, or feel obligated to help me. I feel bad enough that you sat in my fucking hospital room and read to me for ten hours a day. Don't waste more of your time on me. Please, just… don't." He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, his nostrils flaring slightly as his eyebrows furrowed. The pain written across his face made my heart sink lower and my stomach flip.

How could he think I did this because I pitied him? I liked him, and I wanted to get to know him, maybe someday even love him, if he would let me. I never pitied him or felt obligated.

I took the one step necessary to be close enough to kiss him, and didn't stop my body from reacting. I stood on my tiptoes and leaned into his lips without taking a moment to think anything through. His lips were chapped and slightly cold against my own, and he inhaled quickly at the unexpected contact. His eyes flew open in surprise, and I closed mine, leaning in closer to deepen the gentle kiss. I pressed my right hand to his chest, just over his heart, as I lowered back down to my heels, separating our lips. As I slowly opened my eyes I noticed his were now closed, and his fists were clenched. I slid my fingers down his chest very faintly before dropping my hand to my side and inhaled shakily.

"I'm not pretending, Edward," I said with a raspy voice as I stared at him. "And I don't pity you or feel obligated."

He took a deep breath before opening his eyes, and we stared at each other for a long moment. The intensity of his gaze was lost when he stepped closer, pressing his body up against mine and leaned down. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me slightly so I was standing on my toes with my chest pressed to his, and our lips met once more. He tilted his head to the side and took my lower lip between his. I opened my mouth slightly, and he immediately ran his tongue across mine. His kiss was slow and filled with an intensity I had never experienced.

I quickly ran out of breath, not expecting the second kiss, and I had to pull back and gasp for air. He smiled, his eyes still closed, and held me tighter. His fingers kneaded into the back side of my hips gently and he opened his green eyes, staring directly into my brown ones. He searched my face for something as his smile slowly fell.

"Say something," he whispered cautiously.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Anything. That I was out of line or a crappy kisser or moving too fast. Just something."

"I wasn't expecting that?" I said as a question, uncertain if that was something or anything.

His smile returned, but only on one side, and I felt my body react involuntarily. _God, I love that smirk. _

"Well, look who it is!" someone shouted.

Edward and I turned quickly as I pulled out of his arms. I squinted, trying to focus on the three figures walking toward us quickly. They looked familiar, but I didn't know their names. They stopped a few feet away, and I took a moment to look them over. They were tall and muscular, but looked younger than me and maybe even Alice. The one in the middle looked vaguely familiar, though.

Edward looked from them to me, confused. The one who had shouted was staring at him as the other two glanced at me with wide grins. A shiver ran down my spine, and I stepped to the side to be a little closer to Edward.

"Do I know you?" Edward asked.

"Not really, but you know one of my girls," he said.

One of? What the hell did that mean?

"And?" Edward asked impatiently.

"And you said some uncalled for shit to her a few weeks back, and I think you shouldn't fuck with a girl, asshole."

"So you brought two friends with you to defend some chick's honor? What, can't you take care of yourself?" Edward asked teasingly.

Alice and Jasper came up beside me, glancing at me and Edward before looking back at the three boys.

"What the fuck do you want, freshman?" Jasper asked sharply.

"None of your damn business," the kid replied.

"He says he's going to teach me a lesson. He's defending some chick's honor that apparently I offended." Edward snorted as he crossed his arms across his chest.

"Who, Lauren?" Alice asked, looking from the three kids to Edward.

"Damn straight," the boy standing to the right said.

"Go back to the hole you crawled out of, Jacob," Jasper said.

"Why don't you make me?" Jacob said, taking a step forward.

"Wait, you're Jacob? Billy Black's son?" I asked, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Yeah, what's it to you?" he asked.

"Your dad brought over those dream catchers you and your sister made. I didn't know it was you, though."

Jacob snorted and grinned. "I didn't make that shit. My dad's had a ton of those since my grandmother died and gave them to him. He's just trying to get into your daddy's good graces so he can get a raise."

My jaw dropped, and I stared at him blankly. This kid's a rotten little punk, and apparently his father's no better.

"I think you should get lost and take your cronies with you," Jasper said as he took a step forward, putting himself in front of Alice slightly.

I panicked at the growing tension. The three kids were twice the size of Jasper and Edward, even if they were only freshmen.

"I think you should stay out of this, or I'll give you another scar," Jacob said through his teeth.

_Another scar? What the hell was he talking about?_

Before I had time to say or do anything, Alice had taken a step forward and stomped on Jacob's foot with her heel. She stood in front of him, with her hands on her hips and scowled at him.

"If Lauren's too chicken to stand up for herself, she should learn to send better idiots to handle her vendettas. She dishes out a lot of crap, so she should learn to take it in return or shut the heck up," Alice said confidently.

Jacob was hopping up and down on one foot, his hands wrapped around the other as he hissed loudly.

Jasper and Edward were chuckling as the two kids beside Jacob just looked at us all, shocked. I pulled Alice back by her arm gently, and she huffed loudly.

"Fucking bitch!" Jacob howled.

_Oh hell no. No one screws with my best friend. _I stepped in front of Alice, clenched my hand into a fist, thumb out, reached back and threw my weight forward. My fist connected with his nose, and I could feel the crunch on impact. My hand stung like hell, but I refused to let my pain show. I kept my fist tight and held my breath as I tried to ignore it.

The two kids freaked out and grabbed Jacob's arms. They tried to pull him away, but he threw one shoulder forward, forcing them to let him go. He stared at me as he cupped his hand over his nose and glared. He pulled his hand away slowly and looked at it; it was covered in blood. My stomach turned and I fought the urge to look away, still holding my breath.

Suddenly, he spit at my feet, looked up and glared into my eyes and turned to walk away. His two buddies followed behind him quickly, whispering their concerns.

Edward lunged forward, but Jasper caught him by the arm. "Let it go, man," Jasper said quietly. Edward eyed me with concern and nodded after a moment, taking a step back beside me.

I hissed slightly as I stretched my fingers out and tried clenching them again. Pain shot up my arm, and I bit my lip as I looked down at my hand.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked, reaching for my hand.

"Hurts like a bitch, but I don't think it's broken."

"We should have Carlisle check it out," he said, and I nodded.

Jasper wrapped his arm around Alice and glanced at me. "Some right hook you got, Bella."

I chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah, I think Charlie would be proud if it wasn't his best buddy's son I just hit."

"He won't find out," Edward said as his fingers ran over my knuckles gently.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"No guy would admit to having his foot and nose broken by two girls," he replied with his signature smirk, and my heart melted.

Alice laughed from beside me. "Damn straight. No one says that kind of stuff to my friends." She smiled up at Jasper.

_Scars. _I glanced back at Jasper just as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Edward was looking at him too, and when he finally opened them again, he looked devastated.

"You remembered, didn't you?" Jasper asked Edward quietly.

Edward nodded slowly, staring at his friend for a moment with an odd expression before looking away.

"We should get going," he said softly.

Alice and I exchanged a curious look, but followed the guys; my arm looped around Edward's and Alice holding Jasper's.

We made it back to our cars in silence, and I followed Edward to his house with Jasper behind me. Dr. Cullen's car was already parked outside when we pulled up the driveway and got out.

Jasper grabbed his bag from his trunk, and we all followed Edward inside.

"You can put your stuff in my room," Edward said to Jasper as he closed the door behind us. "Carlisle," he called out.

"In here," came a voice from the kitchen.

He led me by my elbow, his fingers ice cold against my skin and sending a shiver down my spine. "Bella hurt her hand, would you mind looking at it?" he said as we approached him at the breakfast bar.

"Of course." He held out his hand toward me and smiled. "What happened?" he asked, glancing at me and then Edward.

"Practicing my self-defense," I mumbled, hissing slightly as he extended my fingers.

Alice stood on the other side of me, leaning against the bar with a smug grin. "She broke a guy's nose, that's what happened."

I glared at her for opening her big mouth, but she just shrugged and popped a piece of popcorn in her mouth from the bowl on the counter.

"You broke someone's nose?" Dr. Cullen asked, half shocked and half I don't know what. Proud perhaps?

"Maybe," I mumbled. "But Alice probably broke his foot," I said as I narrowed my eyes at her.

"I hope this kid deserved it," Dr. Cullen said with a chuckle.

"Oh, he did," Edward said.

Jasper joined us in the kitchen as Dr. Cullen was finishing up. "So what's the verdict?" he asked.

"Just a sprain. Be careful with it, and buy a brace if moving it hurts too much. It should heal in a few days. So who should I expect in the hospital tonight with a broken nose and foot?" Dr. Cullen asked as he handed me an icepack from the freezer.

"Jacob Black," we all said in unison, a common disgust in our voices.

Dr. Cullen laughed and took a handful of popcorn. "Well, I won't say anything. He won't be coming to my part of the building, anyway. I should be heading out, though. What's your plan for the evening?" he asked Edward.

"Jasper's staying the night. We might watch some movies or something."

"Alright, and you, ladies?"

"Heading home. Charlie should be home any minute, and I still have to start dinner," I said quickly, grabbing Alice by the arm.

"Alright. See you guys tomorrow morning. Behave, don't stay up late, eat dinner before ice cream, and don't burn the place down. You know, all the typical parental crap," Dr. Cullen said to Edward.

"What time will you be home?" Edward asked.

"Around four in the morning, but I have tomorrow off."

"Alright. Bye." Edward said as Dr. Cullen headed for the front door, keys in hand.

"Thanks, Dr. Cullen," I said loudly.

"Anytime, Bella," he replied before the front door closed.

"Well, we should get going. I'll… see you later?" I asked cautiously, not sure how he felt about what happened earlier. Did he like the kiss? Were we something now? Did he like me? Should I ask for clarification or wait for him to bring it up?

"Yeah. Uh, I'll call you tomorrow." He shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

"Okay. Bye." I turned and walked toward the front door. As I stepped outside, he was standing behind me, staring down at the ground with Jasper beside him. "Bye Jasper," I said hesitantly. I counted to three in my head, took a deep breath and walked away.

With every step I took toward my truck, I prayed he would call after me or surprise me and spin me around giving me a hug and a kiss, but he didn't. I was practically shaking when I got into the truck, and Alice just looked at me with the smuggest grin on her face.

"We saw you kiss him, and he totally kissed you back," she said, breaking the silence.

I revved the engine, clicked my seatbelt on and threw the truck in reverse as her words echoed in my head. _He kissed you back._

I dropped Alice off at her place and she practically skipped up to her front porch, waving as she closed the door. It wasn't until I was inside my house that I realized I still had Jasper's jacket on. "Shit!" I glanced back at my front door, down at the keys in my hand and then up at the clock. Charlie would be home any minute and dinner wasn't started yet. I didn't have enough time to drive back to Edward's and return it.

_Maybe after dinner when Charlie is distracted by the sports station I can drive back and return it._

I turned around, nodding to myself and noticed the whiteboard. The haiku I had left this morning fit rather perfectly for how the day happened to turn out, and I didn't even know it at the time.

_Soft sand, line is drawn.  
But which side do I belong?  
Push, pull; can't go on._

I crossed that line today. The first man on the moon quote ran through my head and I chuckled. This was a small step in the grand picture, but a big step for me. I kissed Edward Cullen, and he kissed me back.

Tonight's forecast… mild case of curfew breaking with extreme nervousness and excitement.

_"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind."  
-Neil Armstrong_


	19. Ch19: I Don't Know

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: TRDancer and AFWife]_**  
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**A/N: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Lost Prophets - I Don't Know, and Nine Inch Nails - Dead Souls.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

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*** Same warnings, different chapter - you know the drill.***

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**_"I don't know where to go, I don't know what to be.  
I don't know how to change from being me.  
I don't know what to say, maybe another day,  
I'll stop getting lost and find my way home.  
All I know is gone."  
_~Lost Prophets – "I Don't Know"

**I Don't Know  
Chapter Nineteen  
EPOV**

It was quiet… far too quiet. Jasper avoided my gaze and shuffled his feet on the bar stool as he ate his pizza. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye occasionally, but our eyes never met.

_Is my memory right? Is he covered in scars? Had he truly said that? _

The phrase riddling my mind was so… depressing. Could it really be true?

_Sometimes, the only way to tell that someone loves you is if they hurt you._

The words bounced around my head as if I could have come to some hidden meaning behind them if I thought about them long enough.

I sighed heavily, stood and threw away my trash. I leaned against the counter directly across from Jasper and stared at him.

"Seriously. We can't just avoid speaking or looking at each other. Sure, this shit is awkward, and I'm sorry I forgot. Hell, I'm sorry I remembered if that would make you feel any better. What do you want to hear, Jasper?"

He shifted his gaze to the corner of the bar and exhaled heavily. "I don't know. Can't we just ignore it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because your nose is so deep in my shit that I feel all… indebted to you. We were friends, right? _Are _friends. Doesn't that mean we're supposed to care or something?"

Jasper furrowed his brows and looked utterly confused, but didn't blink or move.

"Look, I don't know how to do this friend shit. I've never had friends that I can remember. I had buddies I used for drugs, guys I knew that I used for an 'in' to parties and chicks I fucked around with. I never gave a shit about any of them, and I sure as hell never let any of them into my private life. Help me out here."

"No one else knows - no one. I just don't want to talk about it because the more I say, the more curious you'll get and then the more likely it is for someone else to find out and that can't happen, alright? Just leave it alone, man." He stood quickly, the metal scrapping against the tile floor with a screech, and chucked his trash. He headed toward the living room, soda in hand and not another word said between us.

I ran my hand through my hair and internally growled. _Why did he have to make this shit more difficult?_

I hadn't remembered everything – there were still blank spots. I couldn't remember if he had told me how he got them or not, but I had this fuzziness in the back of my mind that said they weren't self-inflicted. I wasn't ruling it out, though.

"So, that's it? You get this huge monologue of information about my past, without my permission I might add, and I get nothing? Not when it happened or why or who? Just nothing?"

"Listen, I know the situation is fucked up, and I'm sorry. Your uncle didn't have any right spilling your shit, you're right, but we can't do anything about that. You don't need my shittastic life piled on top of your drama and stress, so just drop it and move on."

"No," I said more firmly. I clicked the TV off and dropped it onto the coffee table, staring him directly in the eyes. "Not going to happen. You were there for me when I didn't think I had anyone on my side. You helped me when I wasn't even conscious enough to argue, and you stuck by me when I was apparently a total sleep-deprived and stoned out of my mind asshole. You're getting your side of this friendship, so sit down and start talking, asshole."

He clenched his jaw repetitively – something I did when I was pissed beyond words or fighting back tears. His fists were balled tightly at his side, and he stared at the blank television set. The room was eerily silent, the only exception being our breathing, which I became awkwardly aware of as the seconds ticked by and neared a minute.

"Please?" I whispered. I asked more as a statement than a plea.

When he turned back to look at me, a few strands of hair were stuck to his cheeks and wet streaks had stained his skin, creating a thin line to his chin. "Why?" he asked in a quiet voice.

I was taken aback by the question. _Hadn't I already said why?_

"Why is it so important for you to know the details? Where will it get you in life to know how screwed up everything is for other people and not just yourself?" His jaw clenched a few more times as he maintained frighteningly intense eye contact.

"I…" I thought about that for a second and sighed with frustration when I came to a conclusion. "I guess it would help to know that I'm not alone in this fucked up universe, surrounded by unfairness and shitty predicaments. I… because it matters to me what's bothering you. I'm tired of being the selfish and self-absorbed asshole I was in Chicago. That's not who I want to be and I see that now – and… because you're my friend."

The whole touchy feely conversation had taken a turn toward the uncomfortable, and I looked away.

"So, I'm just a stepping stone to making you feel better about yourself?" he asked bitterly.

I quickly turned and snapped my eyes back to his. "What? Hell no! That's not what I meant, Jasper," I argued, taking a step toward him.

He looked away that time and swiped his fingers under his eyes before shoving his hands in his pockets. "I know," he mumbled, sniffing quietly. "It's just that I've never talked about it with anyone and never really planned to, you know?"

I nodded. _I completely understand. _"So, you'll tell me then?"

He shrugged his shoulders and threw himself back into the recliner, tucking his feet under him and pulling his arms tightly around his torso. It was definitely a defensive position.

"Five questions, five answers. I have the power to veto, and if you're lucky, you'll get to ask a different question in its place," he said quickly, staring at the armrest.

A barrage of memories flooded back to a day when I had said something similar and shared some of my past with him along with information about me liking Bella. _Apparently I liked her even then. Good to know. _I got lost in the memory of our first kiss for a few seconds before I managed to pull myself back to the present.

"Alright, I can live with those conditions." I thought hard about what questions to ask and what I already knew. I knew they were all over his chest, back and upper arms, but I didn't know if they were anywhere else. I also didn't remember for certain if they could possibly be self-inflicted or not. If I asked who did it, then that would give me the answer to two questions without wasting one. Then there was the question as to how long he's had them and if there are recent ones. That would be two questions. _Could I make it into one?_

"Who does it?" I asked, getting the simple and obvious one out of the way.

"Veto. Try again," he said quickly. His fingers tightened, tugging on the fabric of his shirt as he shifted slightly.

_Dammit. _"What? Come on!"

"No. Not answering that one, but I'll let you have that as a freebie."

"Fine. How about, is the person responsible living with you?" I asked.

He thought for a second before nodding.

_Alright, not the question I wanted answered, but I could live with that. That narrows it down to his mom, his sister and his father. Although, his father doesn't really live at home that much. Shit! Does that mean that he doesn't count?_

_So much for getting straight answers._

"Alright… how many years has this been going on?"

He looked up with an expression of contemplation. "Since I was four?" he said more like a question.

"No, I asked how many years, not when it started," I said, slightly frustrated I hadn't gotten the exact answer I was counting on.

"Fine. Thirteen years."

_Holy…_

_That means it's still happening? _"Why they hell haven't you done something, Jasper? You know, like turn them in, or go to the police?" I asked without thinking about it.

He turned and looked at me with a blank expression. "Is that your question?"

_Shit. _"Maybe. We'll come back to that one," I said, trying to play it off. "How do they do it?" I asked awkwardly, not entirely sure how to phrase the question.

Jasper shifted in the recliner and rolled his shoulders back. He looked down at his arms, perhaps envisioning them beneath his sleeves and sighed. "It started as burns when I was smaller. I was easier to hold down. Cigarettes, candles, match heads. Later it became a belt or rope – something that could be swung before I was out of reach."

I swallowed as my mind conjured up an image of a young Jasper, kicking and screaming as he was burned. I flinched slightly and shut my eyes, taking a deep breath. _That's just not right._

"Why do they do it?" I asked quietly. A part of me was afraid of his answer. How brainwashed had they made him? Did he think he deserved it?

"Veto," he said coldly.

I decided not to press the question and moved on. "How often?" I asked a moment later, ticking off the questions in my head.

"It varies. Sometimes once every couple of months, sometimes once a week. I've gotten better at predicting them," he added, and I wondered if that was why he was over here tonight.

I realized I had one question left and Jasper seemed to be waiting. _Do I try to figure out who or do I ask him why he doesn't tell anyone?_

I remembered the few memories surrounding our conversations and realized he had told me they weren't self-inflicted the night I first saw them, and he had mentioned people only loving you if they hurt you.

Then, I remembered the person in the hospital room between dreams and realized it had been him. _He _was the person sitting in my room talking about killing _them_ if he knew he could get away with it. He had also mentioned that _she _didn't know, but who was _she?_

A few seconds later and some piecing together of memories, and it clicked.

_Rosalie_.

"Why doesn't your sister know anything about it? You came to my hospital room when I was unconscious and you said you would kill _them, _but you knew you couldn't get away with it. Then you mentioned _she_ didn't know. You were talking about Rosalie, right? Why doesn't she know? How could she not?"

His eyes bored into mine like he was studying me. "You remember that?" he asked finally.

"Yeah, just now." I'd get to asking him who _they _were another time.

He looked away and huffed. "I had hoped you weren't awake at that point."

I waited as he sat still and silent. He scratched his jaw idly and then rubbed his upper arm before speaking again. "She doesn't know because it's never been done around her. She was always out playing or at school. Lately she's been with Emmett a lot and so wrapped up in her own life that, she doesn't have time for mine. I'm careful at home and rarely come out of my room. I don't want her to know. It's not her burden, and I want to keep it that way. She would never be at risk of being hurt, but still… I just don't want her to know."

He turned toward me, and his eyes were somber, tired and pained. I respected the fact that he was protecting his sister. I knew they didn't get along, but I also figured he still loved her, regardless of their differences.

"I won't tell her, Jasper. You have my word."

A half dozen more questions filled my head, but I knew I had reached my limit. He trusted me with shit he had never spoken or shared with anyone before, and I respected that. I got up and turned on some music as I glanced at the clock. It was ten after eleven.

"Do you mind if I use your shower? It was kind of muggy sitting in the back of Bella's truck all afternoon waiting for your sorry ass to finish make-up class with Mr. Banner."

I pressed play, a familiar Lost Prophets song flowing through the speaker and nodded. "Go for it. Towels are in the linen closet – first door on the left in the hall."

"Thanks," he replied and headed up the stairs.

I had only been listening to music for a song or two when there was a faint knock at the door. I almost didn't hear it due to a song intro that was exceptionally heavy, but a few seconds later they knocked again, and I jumped to my feet. I peered through the peephole, but I couldn't see much in the dark. I flipped on the porch light, and the person flinched back and covered their eyes. The deep shade of red hair, however, was the only clue I needed.

"Bella?" I asked as I opened the door quickly.

She peeked around behind me as she squinted before smiling and nodding. "Hey."

"What are you doing here so late? Won't the police chief be on your ass or something?"

She giggled nervously and shook her head. "No, he doesn't know I'm gone. I pushed my truck out of the driveway and to the corner before I started its monstrous engine."

"Sneaky. So, uh, what are you doing here?"

"Oh!" She held out Jasper's jacket quickly, shoving it toward me and tugged on her lower lip with her teeth. "Here. I forgot to give this back earlier."

I looked at her curiously with a slight smirk spreading across my lips and took the jacket. "You snuck out and drove down here to return his jacket?" I asked.

She stuttered and shuffled her feet awkwardly. "Er, yeah. I guess?" she asked, peering up at me.

I laughed and opened the door wider to invite her in. She quickly glided past me and across the entrance before turning around. She shoved her hands in her back pockets and stared at the ground. I took a quick second to scan her figure and regretted it immediately. It took every bit of restraint to not moan out loud. Her tight jeans hugged her hips, and she had on a long sleeve, red V-neck sweater over her t-shirt from earlier. Her hair was straight and lying over her shoulders haphazardly.

She had curves in all the right places, and her hands tucked in her back pockets only pushed her chest out and accentuated her hips.

I blinked and looked at the floor to stop my staring. I cleared my throat and hoped she hadn't caught my open gawking.

"So," she said awkwardly.

"So," I agreed and rocked back on my heels, digging my hands into my pockets as well.

_What the hell do I say? Do I apologize for kissing her? Wait… she kissed me. Do I apologize for liking it? Wait… she might take that wrong. Fuck!_

"So, I'm sorry about kissing you out of the blue like that today at the shore. I don't know what came over me. Well, I do know what came over me, but that's not my point. My point is, I shouldn't have reacted like that without your permission, and I totally understand if things are awkward between us now, but I want you to know that they aren't for me. Awkward, that is. Yeah… um, I totally just spewed all of that out, didn't I?" She looked at me with her head tilted down, and a timid smile stretched across her lips. I didn't know if I should laugh, or be shocked or hurt. _Maybe all three?_

"Wait, so you didn't like the kiss?" I asked for clarification.

"What? Oh! Um... did _you _not like the kiss?" she asked.

"You didn't answer."

"Neither did you."

"But I asked first," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm the one that initiated it, so I should get answers first."

My jaw dropped in confusion. _Is this girl for real?_

"So?" she asked as she rocked back on her heels and swung her elbows out anxiously.

"No," I replied.

"No? You didn't like the kiss?" she asked.

"No, I mean yes," I said, getting flustered quickly.

She looked at me and squinted. "I'm lost."

"Me too," I admitted with a deep sigh.

"Plain English," she insisted.

I took a step closer and held my breath. _I can do plain English. _I reached out and placed my hand on her waist, hooking my thumb into her belt loop and stepped flush against her. I took one split second to hesitate before leaning down and kissing her gently on the lips. They were softer than I remembered, but colder. I felt her gasp against me, opening her mouth slightly, and I took the chance to slide my tongue against her lips. She immediately responded, licking against my tongue and tilting her head to one side. I leaned into her, deepening the kiss until I was nearly out of breath.,

I pulled back, tugging on her belt loops and holding her against me as I inhaled once more. The taste of her still lingering on my lips as they tingled was like paradise.

"Is that plain enough for you?" I asked with a deeper, quieter voice than normal. Her eyes fluttered open and she slowly nodded – her expression still slightly resembling shock.

"How about once more for clarification?" she asked with a sly grin, and I obliged.

The second, or rather, _fourth _kiss was much more frantic. I became entirely aware of her body pressed against mine and realized that it probably wasn't the best idea. I resisted the urge to readjust the growing bulge in my pants and broke the kiss instead, taking a small step back.

"Does that clear things up for you?" I asked in a teasing tone.

She tugged on her lower lip and nodded once, her eyes sparkling.

"So, remind me, what did you come over for again?" I asked.

"Uh… returning Jasper's jacket," she said slowly.

"Right. Follow me," I said as I took her hand, tossed his jacket onto the sofa and headed toward the stairs.

"Why do I need to go upstairs to return a jacket you just left over there?" she asked while pointing.

I glanced over my shoulder at her with a quirked brow and chuckled. I turned my attention ahead of me once more and smirked. "Because Jasper is upstairs?" I said, but more like a question. I was definitely grasping for excuses.

"Oh," she said quietly, as if all of her questions now had answers.

I led her to my room and spun around, walking backward as I grabbed her waist. I kissed her lips quickly and grinned as I maneuvered us to my leather sofa by the balcony door. When my calves pressed against the leather, I bent my knees and fell backward, pulling her with me. She landed gently on my knees with her own on either side of my thighs, straddling me. The night wasn't turning out half bad after all.

I leaned in for another kiss, and she met my lips frantically. I reached around, pressing my palms to her lower back and slid her sweater up gently until I found flesh. The moment my hands touched her skin, she froze and broke the kiss.

"I'm sorry, but I…" she said quickly through pants.

"But what?" I asked her. My lips were still stretched into a semi-smirk, but my voice was slightly concerned.

"What are we doing?" she asked randomly.

The question caught me off guard. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what are we?"

I stared at her with confusion as I tried to understand.

"What am I to you? A friend? Your girlfriend? Prospective girlfriend? A lay? What?"

It all clicked. She thought I was just using her for sex. I sighed, dropped my hands from her hips and brought them to my face, scrubbing over my eyes roughly. I couldn't believe I had reacted that way. I didn't want to be like this. She wasn't Tanya back in Chicago or any of the other girls I tried to forget about reality with.

Bella slid back and stood up. She took a few steps away from me and straightened her shirt as she chewed her lip nervously.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have…" I trailed off, uncertain what to say.

"Shouldn't what?" she asked with sharpness in her tone.

"I shouldn't have treated you that way. It wasn't my intention to make you think I was just using you or something."

"What was your intention then?"

I stood and took a step closer, holding my hand out for hers. "I was happy to see you again. I'm ecstatic to know you feel the same. I really like you, and I want to get to know you better, but not like this. At least, not yet." Her eyes narrowed, and I realized everything I had said came out wrong. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. "I'm horrible at this talking thing. I don't know how I made it this far in life, seriously."

I'd never dated before. I didn't know how to talk or tell a girl I liked her. I'd never had any kind of relationship talk with Carlisle, and he never had a female around to give much of an example. I was flying without a clue, and I knew I was about to crash and burn.

I looked back up at her and attempted a sad smile. "I'm sorry. Let me start over." I took her hand in mine and held it to my lips, kissing her knuckles gently. _Chivalry. Be charming. _"Bella, I would be flattered if you would be my girlfriend." I held her gaze but didn't breathe as I awaited her answer.

Her lips twitched slightly and she switched her weight to her other foot.

"I don't know…"

I tugged her hand until she was flush against my chest once more and kissed her firmly on the lips. My tongue explored hers until we both broke for air once more.

"Alright, alright," she said, giggling.

We both jumped apart as the bathroom door swung open. Both of our heads turned quickly and standing before us in the doorway was Jasper.

My first thought was _damn him for ruining the moment._

My second thought was _why they hell is he only wearing a towel?_

My third thought was _step in front of Bella so she doesn't see him half naked and wet._

I was jealous – sue me.

However, it was my fourth thought that seemed to register with Bella as well.

_His scars._

Jasper stared at us with wide eyes and complete shock. A startled gasp reminded me of Bella's presence and as I turned to take in her expression, she whispered, "Jasper… my God."

He quickly turned in the doorway and slammed the door behind him.

_Damage control. What do I do first?_

"Bella? Maybe we should leave to let Jasper get dressed," I said eagerly.

She simply stared at the now closed door with the saddest expression I had ever seen on her face. Her hands trembled as she raised one to her lips and blinked.

I tugged on her hand toward my balcony, and she followed without protest. I closed the sliding door behind us loudly so he would know we were out of the room and turned back to Bella.

"What happened to him?" she asked, her hand still trembling at her lips.

I shook my head figuring the lack of truth would be better than blatant lies.

"Did he do that to himself?" she asked. Her tone was even more scared than it was seconds ago.

"No," I answered quickly. "He doesn't like to talk about it."

She gasped and her eyes grew wider. "You mean someone did _that _to him?"

"Bella, please. Just forget about it. He won't even talk to me about it. I'm sure he's pissed you saw them, and he's probably really uncomfortable right now."

"But someone is hurting him, Edward!" she shrieked, pointing back at my room with a shaking hand.

"I know," I whispered as I pulled her into my arms to calm her down. I rubbed her back gently and wished to Heaven _and _Hell this had never happened. I'd take back the entire night if I had to.

_It's my fault she knows and Jasper is going to be pissed._

"Do you know who is doing it?" she asked, leaning back in my arms to look up at me.

I shook my head and she closed her eyes as she sighed heavily.

"There were so many scars," she whispered into my chest. She stilled for a split second before pulling back. "We have to tell someone. We can't let them keep doing this to him – whoever they are, they need to be stopped."

The sliding door slid open, and Jasper stepped through with his head down. His hair was still wet and hanging in his eyes. "Can I bum a cigarette?" he asked quietly.

I nodded, dug into my back pocket and handed him the box. He handed it back once it was lit and took a long drag.

_Jasper doesn't smoke. He hates cigarettes. He's only smoked once with me that I can remember._

I studied his posture and determined he must be extremely tense. I'd want a cigarette if I were in his position too.

"Jasper," Bella started.

"Don't," he whispered, cutting her off.

"But –"

"Please, Bella. I've known you my entire life, and I've managed to keep this a secret. Please, can we just go back to the way things were?"

"But, Jasper, they are hurting you!" she argued.

He took another drag and closed his eyes. "I know."

We were both stunned into silence. _At least he's mentally aware of the situation. _All of Carlisle's medical mumbo jumbo of children facing their reality with cancer and rare illness ran through my mind. _If they have a strong sense of reality, they are better off. They can deal with the ups and downs, and they understand risk versus chance. They bounce back faster._

Bella slid from my arms and stepped closer to Jasper. She rested a hand very gently on his shoulder, and he flinched. She gasped, but stilled her hand on him and waited. When he opened his eyes, they were filled with sadness. They stared at each other for what felt like nearly a minute. I figured that jealousy would flare inside of me, but it didn't. Instead, my heart broke.

It broke for my best friend and for my new girlfriend. The two newest, most important people to me were both hurting over something I couldn't control.

She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, gripping his bicep tighter in her hand. He took another long drag and held it in before slowly exhaling with his eyes closed.

"Why did you never tell me?" Bella asked quietly.

"I never told anyone. It was nothing personal."

"Rosalie doesn't know?" she asked and he shook his head.

He took another drag, exhaled and swallowed.

"Who did this to you?" she asked.

"I'd rather not discuss it."

"Please," she pleaded.

"Please," he repeated, looking her in the eyes.

She sighed and straightened up. Her lower lip trembled slightly and I feared she might burst into tears, but she took a deep breath instead and it seemed to calm her.

"Will you show me?" she asked after a long stretch of silence.

Jasper finished his cigarette and didn't respond for a while. Bella didn't press him or ask again, but she didn't take her eyes off his either. He slowly pushed away from the balcony railing and gripped the hem of his shirt, pulling it off in one quick motion.

Bella gasped again quietly but extended her hand toward him. She looked at him before her fingers connected with his skin, and he nodded his approval. Her fingers traced his shoulder cap and down his bicep very gently.

Each scar was slightly raised and a faint pink color. Some had more ragged edges while others were smooth, straight lines. The majority of the ones across his chest were burns in all shapes and sizes while his shoulders and back were covered in jagged lines.

Two scars, however, looked incredibly fresh. As Bella's fingers traced the skin near his ribcage, he flinched and hissed. _It still hurt._

"How long ago?" she asked, her eyes darting to his sadly.

"Monday," he whispered.

My jaw dropped. That was the day I asked him for a day alone. _I sent him home to this?_

"Jasper, man, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. You should have come back," I said quickly, stuttering to apologize.

"It's not your fault. You didn't know. I should have caught on when I got home, but… I had other things on my mind, I guess. I didn't even see the first one coming. I hardly ever get two at a time anymore." He turned away and swallowed.

"So that's what that kid, Jake, meant at the beach today? He knows about your scars?" Bella asked.

Jasper nodded, his eyes focused on something far away. "Yeah. In grade school I was walking home during early spring and got hot, so I pulled off my hoodie. He was a few feet behind me and my shirt raised up in the process. He saw my back when it had a few fresh scars. He's never mentioned it before though – we've never talked before today, really. He's two years younger, so there hasn't been much reason."

We were silent again for a moment as I recalled the kid's words at the beach. _Why would he say something after all these years to Jasper? Just to piss him off? Cause a fight?_

Bella pressed her palm over his heart and stared at him. "Please, let us help."

He shook his head before looking back down at her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him, closing her eyes tightly and shuddering. He visibly relaxed as he gently hugged her back.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered into his ear before pulling away.

"Don't be. I can handle it. I've gotten good at expecting it, and I usually take off most nights now anyway. It won't be a problem after next year," he said with a half-smile, trying to cheer her up.

She frowned and sighed. I took her hand in mine and squeezed gently. "You're welcome to stay here any and every night you need to, Jasper. Seriously. I'll get you a key or something," I said.

He attempted a smile and nodded. "Thanks."

Bella shivered and her teeth chattered, breaking the tension and causing Jasper and I to laugh.

"Come on, let's go back inside," I said as I squeezed Bella's hand.

Jasper pulled his long-sleeve shirt back on and followed behind us, closing the door quietly. "So what's up with you two?" he asked.

Bella and I exchanged glances and smiled. "I'm his girlfriend, apparently," she said nearly giggling.

Jasper grinned mischievously and quirked a brow. "Oh, really?"

I chuckled and nodded.

"Since when?" he asked.

"Since just before you walked out half naked and soaking wet," I stated humorously.

We all laughed, putting the tense conversation behind us. For now, anyway.

I had no plans on letting Jasper be abused and not saying anything about it, but I didn't want to betray his trust and run to tell the first guy in a uniform I found, either. I resigned to keep an eye on him, pay attention to any aches or pains he seemed to have and ask him questions.

"You staying for a bit?" I asked Bella.

She glanced at the clock and chewed her lower lip.

"Decisions, decisions," Jasper teased as he turned on the stereo.

"What time does your uncle get home, again?" she asked.

"Sometime around four. You could hang out for a few hours and sneak back home," I said, hoping she agreed.

"I don't know. I don't like the idea of driving home at four in the morning and pushing my truck the last block. That sucker is heavy, you know," she said.

"We could drive back with you and help push it, and then drive back home," Jasper said.

_Smart guy. I like the way he thinks._

Bella hesitated, glancing at the clock again and sighing. "Alright. Sure. Why not. Let's live a little," she said.

_Victory._

I wrapped my arms around her and grinned as she squeaked.

"Hey, none of that mushy shit in front of me, though. We watch a movie, or play a game or something innocent. I'm the official guest here tonight. You remember that," he said with a grin and pointed finger at Bella.

She rolled her eyes and glanced up at me. "So much for living a little."

I groaned quietly and chuckled. "Alright. Movies or a game?"

"Game."

"Movie."

I rolled my eyes and made the decision for them. "Monopoly it is, then, and I get the thimble."

"Racecar," Jasper all but shouted excitedly.

Bella groaned and huffed loudly – she had chosen a movie. "Fine, but I'm banker, because I don't trust you two," she commented.

We played until two in the morning. Jasper won, I was caught cheating and Bella threatened to tell Carlisle. We put _Clerks_ in the DVD player and settled in for the movie sometime after that. Bella yawned and curled up beside me on my sofa with the comforter tossed over her lower half while Jasper stretched out on the floor with a pillow. I was turned slightly, my ribs pressed against the arm rest and my arm wrapped around Bella. It wasn't the most comfortable position I could think of on a couch, but I was content.

My eyes started to droop, and Jasper commented that we should take Bella home, but I drifted to sleep with her warm body curled into mine, before I could find the energy to stand.


	20. Ch20: Home

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable parts belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: TRDancer and AFWife]_**  
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**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight, and Florence + The Machine - Heavy in Your Arms. Chapter title is taken from the song by Staind - Home.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

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***Warning. This chapter contains brief discussions of child abandonment, child abuse, and child neglect. ***

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_"I don't think Home's a place anymore. I think it's a state of mind."_  
~ Barbie, Neil Gaiman's _The Sandman: A Game of You_

**Chapter Twenty  
BPOV**

While somewhere between consciousness and sleep, I felt something digging into my left side. I groaned and shifted to get comfortable, but something tapped me on the shoulder. I rolled back only to realize I had nowhere to go and my body was stiff.

"Bella," a voice called out.

I searched in the darkness for the speaker, but my dream had already begun to fade to black, the memory of its events a mere sensation or strange feeling rather than an image.

"Bella," the voice called again. It was louder and more solidified in my consciousness.

I groaned again and stretched my shoulders forward – the tension knotted between them tugging and bordering painful while feeling pleasant at the same time. I sniffled and shivered, the reality of my frozen toes, fingers and nose hitting me. My teeth chattered involuntarily, and I tried to pull my comforter up, but it didn't feel right. I fluttered my eyes open and peered down through narrow slits as everything came rushing back.

I glanced up, gasped, threw my feet to the floor and stood with Edward's comforter clutched in my frozen fingers. Bright blue eyes and blond hair were the first things I registered. Second, was how much shit we were all in.

"I didn't mean to startle you," Dr. Cullen whispered calmly.

I looked back at Edward on the couch and suppressed my snort. He was wrapping his hands around his torso tightly and digging his fingers under his arms to keep them warm. I snuck a peek at Jasper on the floor, but he was out cold. His shirt was twisted around him slightly, and an inch or so of skin was exposed, but there were no visible scars.

My mind was overwhelmed with the images of his scars, and my heart ached for a moment before Dr. Cullen managed to get my attention again with a hand in front of my face.

"You awake there? You look upset," he whispered.

I shook my head, not wanting to discuss it and furrowed my brows.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked quietly.

I nodded and followed him out of the room into the hallway. He stopped a few feet away from the door and looked at me with a concerned expression.

"I must say when I saw your truck in the driveway I grew concerned that everything was okay, but then the parental side kicked in, and I just hoped no drugs or sex were involved. The sight in the room looked innocent enough, but I trust you to be honest with me, Bella. Can you do that for me?" he asked. His face was serious but friendly, and I was completely taken aback.

_He really isn't the parenting type, is he?_

"I came over to return Jasper's jacket. We just talked for a little while, and then played Monopoly and watched some movies. I was planning on going back home, but we must have fallen asleep. Nothing happened, Dr. Cullen, I swear," I said as convincingly as possible. I was never a good liar, but thankfully nothing I had said yet was a lie.

He studied my expression briefly before nodding. "Alright. Does your father know where you are? I'm sure the chief of police would react differently to finding his only daughter alone in a room with two males."

I bit my lip and debated the likeliness of getting away with a lie. I shook my head and sighed. "No, sir. I snuck out after dinner while he was watching the sports recap. He doesn't know where I am, but he won't really notice I'm gone either until he leaves to go fishing at six."

"Well, it's fifteen to five now."

"Shoot!" I gasped.

"Bella," he said louder, catching my forearm before I managed to turn and run back to the room. "I shouldn't keep this from your father."

"Please, Dr. Cullen! Don't tell Charlie. I never do this kind of thing, nothing happened and it won't ever happen again. I promise," I pleaded as tears formed in my eyes.

He stared at me with an uneasy expression. I could see him visibly weighing the decision before he sighed and nodded, his shoulders falling a fraction. "Alright. But if I catch anything going on again, I'm telling your father. If he ever asks, I have to tell him – I'm not going to lie for you two. I was a teenager once too, and we only learn the hard way. I know that. Don't force me to make it difficult, alright?"

I nodded enthusiastically but froze as a familiar voice came from Edward's bedroom.

"Shit!"

There was a loud thud, some random swearing and incomprehensible mumbling before the bedroom door swung open and a groggy, frantic looking Edward slid out into the hallway in his jeans, t-shirt and white socks on the wooden floor. He froze and his eyes grew wide as they glanced at me and then Dr. Cullen.

"Shit," he whispered.

Dr. Cullen chuckled and out of my peripheral vision I saw him cross his arms over his chest. "Good morning to you, too."

"I can explain," Edward said quickly.

"No need," Dr. Cullen said.

"What? But I should at least get a chance to state my case and shit, come on!"

"There is no need, Edward. Bella has already informed me you're all amazingly innocent. Color me surprised, but I do believe her. You don't need to explain."

"But! …oh. Oh! Wait, really?" Edward asked as he slowly caught up to speed.

"Just shut up while we're ahead," I said quietly.

Dr. Cullen chuckled again, and Edward's jaw dropped. "So, I'm not in trouble?" he asked cautiously.

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far. You still broke the rules, and Bella could be in serious trouble if she doesn't get a move on."

"Right. Thanks, Dr. Cullen," I said politely.

"Please. Call me Carlisle, and you're welcome. Don't make me regret it."

"I won't Dr. Cu – er, Carlisle." I nearly skipped into the bedroom and slipped my shoes on. I glanced around the room quickly to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything and gave Jasper one last look. My heart broke again, and I considered for a fraction of a minute to run back into the hallway and tell Carlisle, but I wouldn't betray Jasper's trust that way. I wasn't going to let it go, though. Jasper had to speak up and turn the person in. He needed to do it for _him, _not because someone forced his hand. That didn't mean I would keep my mouth shut forever though.

I sighed heavily and fled the room. Edward and Dr. Cullen were talking heatedly in the hallway. They stopped once Dr. Cullen's eyes flicked to me.

"We'll finish this conversation later – once we've both had some sleep."

"Can I at least follow Bella in my car to make sure she gets home safe? It's still pitch black out there," Edward asked with a harsh tone.

Dr. Cullen debated it for a second before nodding. "Fine. But you come right back home and give me your keys."

"Fine," Edward huffed.

"Fine," Dr. Cullen repeated.

They glared at each other for a second, and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end due to the tension in the air. They both turned and walked away at the same time; Edward grabbing his keys from his room and Carlisle going down the hall to what I remembered being is study.

"Come on," Edward said quietly as he took my hand.

His fingers were frigid, but his palm was slightly warmer. I took a moment as we trudged down the stairs to make a mental note of the sensation.

_Edward Cullen is my boyfriend._

_Alice is going to freak._

_I'm sure when it all sinks in, _I'm _going to freak._

Edward paused at the door and turned to look back at me. His eyes lingered on my throat, and my breathing seized.

"You didn't bring anything warmer, did you?" he asked.

_Oh._

"No, I didn't think about it, really."

He grabbed a black leather jacket I recognized as being his from the closet by the front door and moved behind me, holding it open. I blushed at the gesture and slid into the jacket easily. It was already slightly warm and smelled like leather, cigarette smoke and Edward. I tried to be discreet in my deep inhale of the collar as he grabbed another jacket from the closet.

I attempted to hold back my snicker, but failed.

"What?" he asked as he adjusted the coat.

"A military pea coat? Really, Edward? I didn't think it would be your style."

"What? Does it look stupid?" he asked as he looked down at his chest and arms.

"No, no… you actually look…" I bite my lip and paused.

"I look what?" he asked as he took a step closer and cocked an eyebrow.

"Good."

"Just good?"

I nodded once as my cheeks flushed. I wrapped my arms around my torso and curled my fingers around the extra length of the sleeves – balling my hands into fists.

"Nothing more?" he asked. His warm breath blew across my face as he took another step closer. We were nearly touching now and I stood rigid. His fingers delicately traced my jaw and down my neck as he stared into my eyes with a smirk.

"Hot," I whispered.

"Oh, so good _and_ hot?"

I nodded and swallowed audibly.

His lips twitched, and I swear his eyes were smoldering with pure sex. "And sexy," I whispered, barely making any noise.

"Sexy," he said quietly, letting his voice trail off as he leaned into my lips. He ran his tongue over his lower lip before pressing against me and tilting my head. He nudged my chin with his nose, and a chill ran down my spine. "You're right. You are sexy," he whispered into my ear.

I gasped and my body felt ten times heavier while my knees trembled.

He chuckled quietly, kissed my cheek right beside the corner of my eye and closed the closet door. "After you," he said politely, swinging the front door open.

I took a second to compose myself before attempting to move. I stepped out into the cold night air and instantly tensed up – my shaky knees and chances of becoming a warm pile of mush were gone in an instant. My teeth chattered, and I pulled the leather jacket around me tighter.

The drive home was slower than usual due to the intense darkness. As we pulled onto my street, I cut the engine and climbed out of the truck. Edward parked his car a few feet back and helped me push the red, monstrous piece of metal toward my driveway a few houses down. The gravel crunched as we reached the rock driveway and came to a stop in my normal parking spot. We both wiped our hands on our jeans and looked at each other awkwardly.

"Well, thanks for following me home," I said quietly after a moment.

"Yeah, no problem."

"So, I'll see you tomorrow, maybe?" I asked.

"Er, well… Carlisle says I'm grounded for the rest of the weekend. Jasper can't even stay, apparently."

"He can't go home though," I said, slightly scared for Jasper and what this meant for him.

"Yeah, I know. I don't know what do to."

"He can come hang out with me. Charlie will be gone fishing all day. He can stay for dinner. I'll say we are partners on some project or something. Tell him to bring his books."

"But what about when he has to go home?" Edward asked as he shoved his hands in his coat pockets.

"I don't know," I said with a sigh as I thought it over.

Edward kicked a rock and huffed loudly as he looked around. He froze, and I followed his eyes to my bedroom window.

"Is that your room?" he asked.

I nodded.

"He could climb that tree and stay in your room or something. Does your dad check on you often?"

"No, not really. He leaves to fish early in the morning and stays downstairs watching sports all night."

"Perfect. Would you be cool with him staying here for a night or two until I'm no longer grounded?" he asked. He moved closer and placed his hands on my hips gently.

"I guess not. I can make room for him on my floor or my closet or something. You won't be bothered though?" I asked.

"No, why would I be?"

"Well, he's another guy sleeping in my room," I said awkwardly.

Edward smirked and moved closer, our bodies touching now. His eyes were fixed on mine intensely. "Yeah, but I'm the one that looks sexy in a pea coat," he said with a sly voice.

My breath caught, and I felt the rush of blood flow to my cheeks as I looked down. He pressed his cold lips to my forehead and hugged me around the waist. "Goodnight, Bella. I'll see you Monday at school."

"That's too long," I whimpered as I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his scent and the cold spring air.

"I know. I'll see what I can do," he whispered. "Get some sleep."

I sighed and nodded as I looked up at him through tired eyes. He kissed my lips gently once, then a second time before releasing me and jogging down the street to his car.

I made my way into the house as silently as I could and locked the door behind me. My blood was pounding in my ears as I crept upstairs, avoiding the creaky floor board and attempting to not hold onto the banister. It had a tendency to squeak if you wiggled it just right and the last thing I need was to explain why I was in a boy's leather jacket at five in the morning.

I made it to my bedroom, closed the door behind me, and crawled into bed with Edward's leather jacket still wrapped around me.

I curled up under the covers and pulled the jacket up around my face. I fell asleep quickly as I inhaled the lingering scents and grinned so wide my cheeks hurt.

_I'm Edward Cullen's girlfriend._

./.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hide from the sun streaming into my bedroom. I groaned and rolled over, but stilled when the intoxicating scent of leather flooded my nostrils. My groan quickly blended into a moan, and I smiled brightly into the coat as I stretched my legs.

"I know chicks have some erotic fascination with certain scents, but I would really rather not see you molest the leather jacket," said a familiar voice.

I quickly sat up and looked straight into Jasper's eyes at the corner of my room in the rocking chair.

"Nice hair," he said with a grin.

I dropped the jacket that was still clutched in my hand and ran my fingers through my hair. "Ouch," I mumbled as they caught in a tangle. I fell back onto my bed, bouncing slightly as I sighed heavily.

Jasper chuckled quietly as an odd sound came from his same direction. I rolled to my side and glanced down the bed at him.

_He brought a guitar?_

"Planning on serenading me?" I asked.

His cheeks flushed slightly and his hands stilled over the instrument as he shrugged. "I had to bring something to keep me occupied while you slept the day away."

_The day?_

I quickly looked at my clock on my desk and groaned again as I shut my eyes. _Shoot. Nearly two. _"Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"

Jasper shrugged again and started strumming his guitar again. He was pretty darn good, too.

"When did you get here? How'd you get in?"

Jasper nodded toward the window which was slightly cracked. "Around ten."

I sat up and scrubbed my hands over my face before I threw the covers back and climbed out of bed. Waking up with someone in my room was creepy enough, but the thought of him crawling in my window and watching me sleep was just unsettling, even if I did know he was coming over.

"I'm… going to go shower. Charlie won't be home until around six or seven, so don't worry about being caught if you need to go downstairs for anything. Help yourself," I mumbled as I grabbed my bath bag on my nightstand.

A quick nod was all Jasper replied with as he continued to play his instrument. I tried to hurry in the bathroom, but my hair took longer than I had anticipated. After a quick shower, speedy teeth brushing and half-assed drying of my hair, I realized I didn't bring a change of clothes.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. _

I wrapped the towel around my chest, but it was barely long enough to cover me entirely. I padded down the hallway quickly and cracked the door slightly, peeking my head in. "Uh, Jasper?" I called awkwardly at the door.

His head shot up with a lazy smile spread across his lips. His smile quickly faded and he swallowed. "Yeah?" he asked from the rocking chair.

"Would you mind, uh, turning around or… something? I forgot to get a change of clothes before I got in," I said in a hurry.

He averted his eyes downward, then to my desk as he blushed. "Uh, yeah. Sure." He stood quickly and walked to the opposite corner of the room and turned his back to me.

I waited a few seconds before shoving the door open. I made my way into my closet as quickly as possible. As I turned to close my closet door behind me, my toe caught on the bumblebee shoes Alice lent me weeks ago. I let go of the handle and tried to catch my balance, but it was too late. I fell to the floor with a loud thud, landing on the side of my ass.

"Are you okay?" Jasper asked from the other side of the door.

I swallowed and tried to refrain from crying as my hip throbbed painfully. "Yeah," I croaked.

"Do you… need, uh, help?" Jasper asked awkwardly.

"N-no!" I said quickly as I pulled my towel up. "Thanks," I called, "but I'm fine."

"Okay," he said quietly. I heard his footsteps as he walked away, and I slowly stood.

_How embarrassing._

I quickly got dressed and exited the closet. "You, uh, want some coffee? Juice? Water?" I asked, trying to forget the last few minutes.

"Sure," Jasper said with a nod. He quickly stood and set his guitar against the wall. "I'll come with you."

I carefully made my way downstairs, Jasper behind me, and opened the cupboard. I pointed out the major locations for things like bowls, silverware and food. "Feel free to help yourself while you're here. I do the shopping, so it's not like Charlie will notice anything missing or out of place. Do you want some breakfast? I could make eggs or something," I said, rambling.

"Breakfast? It's past two in the afternoon, Bella."

"So? It's breakfast to me," I said with a shrug and grabbed the mixing bowls down.

Jasper was quiet for a second before he softly spoke. "Breakfast would be great, thanks."

He poured himself a glass of orange juice, while I worked at getting all of the ingredients out. "How do you want your eggs?" I asked.

"Oh, uh… however you do yours is fine," he said. Something sounded wrong.

I turned to look at him and he was staring at his orange juice intensely. "What's wrong, Jasper?"

He quickly looked up and shook his head. "N-nothing. Everything is fine."

I furrowed my brows and shifted my weight as I thought. "Have you ever had anyone make you eggs?" I asked after a moment.

There was a long stretch of silence followed by a slight head shake from Jasper.

"Well, I am. So how do you want your eggs?"

"I don't know. I've only ever had scrambled from the dinner in town."

I made a grimace as I remembered their eggs. "Your mom never made you eggs growing up?"

He traced the lip of his orange juice with his finger as he shook his head again. "She never made food, really."

_What? _

"So, your dad cooked then," I said, not really like a question, but more an assumption of fact.

He shook his head again and took a quick drink.

"But then…"

"Look, Rose always did the cooking or she would buy TV dinners. I don't think she ever even bought eggs."

My expression fell. _He's never had breakfast made for him, or had a sit down meal? _"What about holidays?" I asked before I thought about it.

Jasper snorted and raised his eyebrows. "I always get the hell out of the house during holidays."

I frowned as I felt my heart sink slightly. I knew how much not having a mother affected my life, but having a mother who didn't act like one wasn't something I could really grasp.

"I'm sorry I brought it up," I mumbled, turning back to the carton of eggs.

"It's okay," he said quietly.

I turned a burner on for the sausage and another for the hash browns as I thought about what life must be like for Jasper. _No wonder he's so skinny, he probably doesn't eat regularly._

"What's over easy?" he asked from beside me. I jumped slightly and he looked down with a sad expression. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay. Um… over easy is where you don't break the yolk and just cook it until it holds its shape. It's really good to mix in with your hash browns that way," I replied.

"If it's not too much trouble, could I have it that way? I've always been curious, but too afraid to try it."

"Sure, it's no trouble."

I fixed our breakfast, and Jasper watched silently while I made random comments about the cooking process. I fixed his plate with extra sausage, hash browns, and two pieces of toast. _He needs to eat better, _I told myself.

We sat at the small table awkwardly. After a few bites, Jasper praised my cooking and dug in, not stopping until every bite was gone. I suppressed my grin and enjoyed the meal with a friend.

_Friend. He's just a friend. I have a boyfriend. _The reminder of Edward made my heart swell, and I couldn't hide my smile anymore. We finished eating and I took our plates.

"So, what's the plan once your dad gets home? I can leave if it's going to be a problem… I don't want you getting in trouble."

"No, no, no. You can stay. Do you have your books?"

"Yeah, they are upstairs."

"Good. We can just tell Charlie we are working on homework or a project or something. We'll work on homework at the table here while he watches TV, and you can stay for dinner."

"But what about the fact that he hates me?" Jasper asked.

"Well, uh… just be super polite and lie your ass off?" I suggested.

Jasper chuckled and nodded. "I can do that, I guess."

There was another awkward silence as I rinsed our dishes.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Hm?"

"Would… would you mind me sleeping on your floor for a few nights? I promise I won't make a sound, you won't even know I'm there. I just… I just can't go home."

I spun around and frowned, my heart breaking just a little bit more at his confession. "Of course. I thought that was already the plan."

"Oh… thanks," he said quietly. "So, how do I… uh… you know, get back inside later? Should I wait until a certain time?"

"Leave your guitar upstairs in my closet, and when you leave after we finish studying, insist on walking. Charlie will offer to give you a ride home, just be prepared for that. Then head down the street toward your place a few houses before turning around and climbing in my window. I'll leave it open so he won't hear. Just be super quiet."

"You sure it will work?"

"Positive. Don't worry about it." I honestly wasn't certain that it would work, but I was trying like hell to be optimistic. I finished rinsing the dishes and turned back to Jasper. "So, what do you want to do until he gets home?"

We spent the next few hours watching _Mallrats, _continuing the Kevin Smith movie collection we had started last night. Just before six, we got all of our books out and got to work on homework. Charlie got home shortly after and started the inquisition. He asked everything from what we were working on, to how long Jasper had been here. Jasper answered most of the questions, but I chimed in occasionally.

We lied our asses off. Quite successfully, I might add.

I fixed dinner and invited Jasper to stay and join us, despite Charlie's dark look at the offer. Jasper awkwardly accepted, and we had a nearly silent meal at the table.

As Jasper got his things together to leave, I said, "So, same time, same place tomorrow?"

"Sure. Sounds good," he replied as he put his arms through the straps of his backpack.

"Leaving, Jasper?" Charlie asked from the living room.

"Yes, sir. Thanks for letting me stay. We got a lot done today, but it's getting late."

"How about I give you a ride, kid? Getting dark out there, wouldn't want anything to happen to you," Charlie said as he grabbed his keys from the coffee table.

"Oh, no thank you, sir. I like walking; I don't mind. Thank you though," Jasper said politely as he walked toward the front door.

"What kind of officer would let a kid walk home alone after dark? I insist," Charlie said more forcefully.

"Dad, he said no thanks. He wants to walk," I said with a frown.

"Stay out of this, Bells. I'm just looking out for the community," he said methodically.

"Really, sir. I'll be fine. I walk home from Edward's place all the time, and he lives even further away."

Charlie shuffled his feet for a moment.

"Dad, I hate riding anywhere in your cruiser, and I'm your daughter. I doubt Jasper really wants an armed escort home," I said quickly.

He huffed loudly and turned around, walking back to the living room. "Fine. Goodnight, Jasper," he said coldly.

I turned to Jasper and exhaled quietly. Jasper looked relieved as he relaxed visibly.

"Well, goodnight, Jasper. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Thanks, Bella. Later."

The moment the door closed, Charlie was standing in the archway between the living room and kitchen. "I don't like him."

"Wow, how'd I guess?" I asked sarcastically.

"Don't give me attitude, Bella."

I sighed and rolled my eyes as I walked back to the kitchen.

"He's a drug dealer and he was in my house, alone with my daughter without my expressed permission."

"What bothers you more? Your assumption of his drug dealing, or the fact he was here with me, alone?"

"Both, and it's not an assumption. Last year I caught him with enough weed to be classified as intent to distribute. He's not coming back tomorrow."

"Yes, he is," I argued.

"No, he's not."

"Dad, I have a project to work on with him that's due soon. I'm not doing it by myself. So either I go there, or he comes here. Take your pick." This was entirely a lie – Jasper and I didn't even have any classes together, but it was entirely believable.

"This isn't up for debate, Bella," he said louder than before.

"You're right, it's not," I said with a huff as I crossed my arms.

"This is my house, and my rules," he said robotically and I rolled my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me. I don't trust him to be alone with you, and I don't want him in my house!"

"Dad, we wouldn't do anything," I scoffed.

"Why should I believe that? I was a teenager once. I know about the hormones."

"Because I'm not dating him!" I said without thinking. I swallowed and sighed. "I'm dating Edward," I said. _Might as well let the _entire_ cat out of the bag._

There was a moment of silence as Charlie studied my expression. "Well, I still don't like him. How do I know he isn't trying to sell to you or pressuring you to smoke?"

"In the house of the Chief of Police? Some kids might be dumb, Dad, but none of them are _that _dumb. Besides, Jasper doesn't do that stuff."

"I don't believe that for a second."

"Believe whatever you want, but I still have a project to complete with him, so take your pick. Here, or at his place," I said as I quirked a brow.

Charlie narrowed his eyes and huffed loudly. "Fine. Here… but not until I get home. I don't want you two here alone together."

"Dad, we won't get anything done if we have to wait until after six to even start!"

"Well, then I guess I'll cut my fishing trip early."

"You don't trust me at all, do you? I've practically raised myself after Mom left, and you think I'm so weak and naïve as to be pressured into smoking pot and having sex? I'm not that kind of girl, _Charlie. _I'm the girl that cooks and cleans on her weekends instead of partying, and has dinner on the table by six-thirty sharp every day and gets A's in school. I'm not Renee. I'm not going to repeat her mistakes and get knocked up in high school."

"No, you aren't your mother, but you are just a teenager, and what kind of parent would I be if I allowed my only daughter to have some boy in my house, unsupervised?"

"A trusting one," I said bitterly before rushing past him and stomping up the stairs. _He wants teenage drama, I'll give him teenage drama, _I thought as I slammed my bedroom door behind me. I shut my eyes tightly and slid down the door as I sobbed quietly. Thinking of my mom tugged at my heart, but Charlie not trusting me infuriated me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to create so much trouble for you," Jasper said quietly from the other side of my room.

I took a big, shaky breath and wiped my eyes. I slowly got to my feet and walked to my iPod dock, turning it on to muffle our voices.

"It's not your fault, Jasper. Don't worry about it."

"It is my fault; it's always my fault."

I turned and looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," he said quietly as he looked away. "Forget I said anything," he mumbled.

I stared at him for a moment and chewed on my lower lip as I tried to work up the courage to ask the question that had been nagging me ever since last night.

"Why don't you tell anyone that can help?" I asked quietly after a long stretch of silence.

Jasper sighed and bent over in the rocking chair. He rested his elbows on his knees. "Because, it wouldn't fix everything. Several things could happen that would be worse."

"Like what?" I asked as I sat on the edge of my bed, only a few feet from him.

His hair hung in his eyes, and he shook his head slightly as he drew in a breath and held it. "Rose. She might feel guilty leaving, and not go to college. She'd lose her scholarship."

"That's the worst thing you can think of? How is that so horrible compared to what's happening now?"

"I could be put into foster care somewhere in Washington and never see her again. Trust me, I knew a kid in foster care once – it can be worse than the occasional snap of a belt or burn."

I sighed, realizing he was right. There was always the possibility of it being a bad foster family or group home.

"Then there is always the chance the authorities don't believe me, and things just get worse," he said quietly. He slowly sat back in the chair and wrapped his arms around his torso protectively.

"How could they not believe you? I mean…" _Your scars, _I finished mentally.

"My history. You heard your father. He doesn't trust me at all. Why should he believe me? It's always easier to believe the adult than the minor," Jasper said quietly.

I swallowed and furrowed my brows. "You heard him?" I asked shamefully.

Jasper nodded and glanced out the window.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that," I said with a sigh.

"It's alright. He's just worried about you. He loves you."

I brought my knees up to my chest and rolled my eyes. I knew Jasper was right, but that didn't make me any less frustrated with Charlie.

"Thanks for letting me stay, Bella."

"It was no problem."

Jasper glanced at me and quirked a brow but didn't say anything. He unzipped his bag and pulled out a clean pair of socks and sweat pants. "Do you mind if I change in your closet?"

"Go ahead," I said as I waved my hand.

While he was changing, I grabbed a pillow and was going to start making a bed for him on the floor, but a knock at the door made me jump. I glanced at my closet with panic in my eyes and then toward Jasper's back pack on my floor. I grabbed his bag and tossed it under my bed before my door slowly creaked open.

"Bella?" Charlie said through the tiny opening.

I pulled the door open the rest of the way and tried to look innocent. "Yeah?" I said in a hurry.

"I… I just wanted to apologize. You know… for what was said downstairs. You're right, I should trust you more. I just…" Charlie scratched his beard idly as he stared at the floor and shifted his weight. "I just hear all these reports about girls your age being taken advantage of in their own home, and I don't want anything like that to happen to you."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and nodded awkwardly. "I know, Dad. I'm sorry too. I know you're just trying to do the parental thing and look out for me, but Jasper would never hurt me."

"But how do you know, Bells? How can you be so sure? There are a lot of psychos out there that people always say 'they were such a nice person', but turn out to be some axe murderer."

I chuckled at his over-dramatization of the event but nodded. I knew he was right. "Because I know Jasper better than you think. Jasper would be the last person in this town to hurt anybody. _Alice_ is more dangerous than he is. Please, trust me?" I said with pleading eyes.

He sighed and shifted his weight again. "Alright, but stay downstairs, keep your cellphone on you, and I will be home by four. I'm trusting you – don't make me regret it."

"Thanks, Dad," I said with a smile.

"I'm serious," he said sternly.

"I know." I nodded eagerly.

He gripped my shoulder and smiled slightly. "Love ya, Bells."

"Love you, too."

"Going to bed so early?" he asked, looking at my bed and the pillows scattered.

"Uh, yeah. Long day studying made me tired."

"Well, goodnight, kiddo."

"Night, Dad."

He slowly turned and walked back downstairs as I closed my bedroom door and took a deep breath. My closet door creaked open beside me, and I glanced at Jasper.

"That was kind of awkward," he said after a second.

I laughed quietly and nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"It's alright."

"I was, uh, just making you a bed," I said as I grabbed the pillow and extra blanket at the bottom of my bed. "The floor might be kind of hard, so I can grab another blanket if you want to lay on that?"

"Sure, I guess."

I quickly grabbed another blanket from the hallway and laid it out on the floor. His bed was on the other side of mine so that if Charlie opened the door, he wouldn't see him easily. Once everything was in place for him, I sat on the edge of my bed as he picked up his guitar and plucked the strings gently.

"How long have you been playing?" I asked.

"Since I was seven. A friend had a guitar and let me play it when I visited. Later he told me to keep it, so I did. I've had it ever since."

"Do I know them?" I asked.

Jasper nodded and continued playing as he spoke. "Crowley."

I instantly remembered his comment from a few weeks ago about Crowley being his last friend and my curiosity got the best of me. "What happened between you two?" I asked.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"He didn't hurt you, too, did he?" I blurted out.

"No, no… nothing like that. It's just… awkward to talk about."

I furrowed my brows as I tried to think about what could end a friendship that would be awkward.

Jasper looked up at me and sighed.

"Sorry, I just don't get it," I replied.

"Tyler was a good guy. We were really good friends until he…" Jasper stopped playing and rubbed the back of his neck "He came on to me in junior high."

"Tyler's gay?" I said a bit too loudly.

"Shh," Jasper whispered.

I covered my mouth, but my eyes grew wider. _Tyler? Seriously?_

"He wasn't sure at the time. When I told him I wasn't interested in… that… he got really upset. He told me to leave and never come back. He didn't speak to me after that."

"Are you serious?" I whispered as I leaned forward.

Jasper nodded. "I think he was confused. He became really reclusive after that and kept to himself, but once we all got to high school, he turned into this major jock with a chip on his shoulder."

"Wow," I mumbled. "What do you think happened?"

"I think he was confused and frustrated. I don't know for sure, though. Maybe he didn't want to face me after that? Maybe he was embarrassed? Maybe he isn't gay and was just curious? I have no idea. I wouldn't have judged him for it, though. He was my friend, and it wouldn't have bothered me, as long as he didn't keep hitting on me, anyway."

I laughed quietly and nodded my head. _Maybe Tyler _was_ embarrassed, and built up this macho appearance to cover up the truth? _

Jasper started playing again and this time the lack of conversation wasn't as awkward. I watched him play for a while until my yawning started to hurt my jaw. Jasper yawned and shot me a look that seemed to say 'Gee, thanks.'

I chuckled, scooted back on my bed and climbed under my covers. Jasper put his guitar in my closet and laid down on the floor beside my bed. He pulled the blanket up to his hips and turned onto his side to face me. His shirt had twisted slightly, and I could just barely see the bottom of one of his most recent scars. I frowned and sighed heavily as I closed my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper," I whispered.

"For what?"

"That I can't do anything to make it better for you," I said as my heart jumped in my chest and I swallowed, trying to hold my tears back.

"I'll be fine," he said quietly.

"I wish you would tell someone," I mumbled.

Jasper didn't respond. I felt his warm fingers on my cheek as he caught one of my tears, and I shuddered. My heart swelled in my chest as something that felt like butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

_Just a friend. He's just a _friend_, _I repeated to myself. I opened my eyes and stared down at Jasper on the floor. My stomach flip flopped as I stared into his eyes.

_I can't crush on my boyfriend's best friend. I'm only feeling this way because I care about him and hate seeing him hurt. It's not a crush. It's nothing more than friendship._

"What are you thinking?" Jasper whispered.

I shook my head and looked away. "Nothing," I lied.

I felt his eyes on me for a few more seconds. He straightened his shirt in my peripheral vision and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders.

"Goodnight, Bella," he said quietly.

"Goodnight, Jasper." I turned onto my other side and clicked the lamp off.

_Just a friend,_ I repeated as my eyes dropped.

_"I'm afraid to be alone; afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone.  
I'm afraid to come back home.  
I cannot forget – I live with regret.  
I cannot forget – I live with… I'll live through this.  
I can't see through this – I can't do this anymore."  
_~Staind – "Home"


	21. Ch21: Right Where It Belongs

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable story parts and characters belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta: **Unbetad**]_

**AN: **Songs listened to on repeat while writing: Nine Inch Nails - Right Where it Belongs V.2, and A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless.

Thanks to OCDMess, my Grey Cloud.

* * *

***Warning. This chapter contains brief discussions of retrograde amnesia and child abuse and references drugs.***

* * *

_"What if everything around you isn't quite as it seems?  
What if all the world you think you know is an elaborate dream?  
And if you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?  
What if you could look right through the cracks?  
Would you find yourself… find yourself afraid to see?  
What if all the world's inside of your head just creations of your own?  
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead  
And you're really all alone?  
You can live in this illusion, you can choose to believe."_  
~Nine Inch Nails – Right Where It Belongs

**Right Where It Belongs  
Chapter Twenty-One  
EPO_V_**

_"Would you rather go to the hospital to do this?"_

_"No. What difference does it make? Pissing in a cup is humiliating no matter what the scenery is."_

_"Well then shut up and piss."_

_"You're making me nervous."_

_"Do you have anything to be nervous about?"_

_"No!"_

_"Just hurry up, I have to head in to the hospital soon." _

When Carlisle brought me the drug test, I realized he wasn't kidding. He planned on drug testing me every week for God only knows how long. Jasper had refused to sell anything to me the entire first week back at school, and honestly, I understood why. That didn't mean it was easy for me though.

I spun the CD on my finger as I stared at the ceiling. I was completely, utterly, and entirely _fucking bored_. I glanced at the clock for the five-hundredth time this weekend and groaned. I had another ten hours before I had to be up for school.

I wondered if Jasper managed to stay at Bella's all weekend, or if they got caught. _Maybe he chickened out and didn't stay there at all? _I ran through the possibilities of where else he would stay, but I came up with nothing. I still didn't know him that well, and I really couldn't even begin to guess where he would hide out for a few chilly spring nights. Next week would mark the first of May, but it was still cold at night.

Friday I would have to work the concession stand for the home game, and I was not looking forward to mingling with the sports crowd of Forks High. I had already decided that I would ask Bella to come with me. I'd buy her all the cotton candy and soda she wanted as long as I didn't have to be there alone.

I huffed loudly and dropped the CD beside me as I sat up and ran my hand through my hair.

_Fucking bored out of my mind._

"Edward?" Carlisle called from down the hall.

"Coming," I hollered. "Yeah?" I asked as I pushed open his office door.

"How's the homework going?"

"Good."

"Just good?"

"It's done. That's good, right?"

"Is it making sense? Do you feel confident about it?"

"Sure," I snapped.

"I'm just trying to make sure that you're keeping up with your studies," Carlisle said with a slight sigh. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

I immediately felt bad for the short answers and mild attitude. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"It's okay. Have a seat."

I glanced at his desk and then the chair beside me. _What did he want?_

As I slowly sat, Carlisle cleared his throat and shuffled loose papers to the side. "How have you been sleeping?"

"Are you being my doctor, or uncle?" I asked. I hated it when he treated me like one of his patients while we were at home.

"Uncle," he said calmly. His lips twitched but he never completed the smirk.

I huffed and rubbed the back of my neck. The truth was that I had been sleeping shitty again. I slept perfectly fine twisted up on my couch beside Bella, but the past two nights had been restless. "I keep waking up," I admitted.

"Dreams?"

"No. I just can't seem to get comfortable."

Carlisle furrowed his brows and tapped his jaw with his index finger. It was his thinking twitch – I could practically hear the wheels turning in his mind. "Exhaustion?"

"No."

"Headaches?"

"No."

"Dozing off during the day?"

I sighed and crossed my arms. "No."

"Help me out here. Are there any kind of symptoms due to the restless sleep?"

"It's annoying as shit and frustrating," I said bitterly.

His lips twitched again, and he sat up in his chair. "Alright. I'd like you to see a counselor. It could be that you are having problems dealing with stress."

"I don't _have _any _problems_."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose again. I could tell that he was getting frustrated. "That's not how I meant it, and if you'd calm down, you'd realize that. I'm just saying that you have a lot on your mind; school, friends, health, not to mention your memories coming back and re-adjusting to a new place. That's a lot for one person to handle all at once."

"I'm fine, I just need," I stopped before the word 'pot' managed to leave my mouth. I looked down and scowled. I just wanted some fucking sleep, and pot usually helped with that.

"You need what?" Carlisle asked. His tone was slightly challenging, but also curious.

"Nothing."

"Edward."

"I said, _nothing_." I huffed and stood. As I turned to walk out of his office, I heard a strange noise that sounded like a cross between growl and a sigh.

"Sit!"

I froze and clenched my teeth.

"Please," he said calmer.

I huffed again and spun around, throwing my weight into the chair with a thud. We stared at each other, and as he visibly calmed, I tensed. "I'm not seeing more doctors who want me to talk about shit I don't even know is real."

"That's why you talk to them, so they can help you understand."

"I don't need some psycho-analysis bullshit!"

"I'm asking that you see a therapist, someone to talk to, not someone to diagnose you. You need to start opening up about what you are remembering, and if you don't want to come to me, that's fine, but talk to _someone._"

I rolled my eyes and looked at the corner of his office.

"Edward, you're finally remembering. A lot of patients don't get that chance—"

"I'm not one of your fucking patients!" I glared at him quickly before looking away. I couldn't explain where my anger was coming from, and I couldn't really contain it either. It freaked me out slightly; I had never felt out of control of my reactions before. Well, I had once before. The day Jasper and I were caught by Bella and we sped home, but that wasn't the same kind of out of control as I was feeling now.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "Let's both just take a deep breath, and try to start over."

I clenched my jaw tightly and shifted in the chair as I tried to take a slow, even breath.

"You are waking up frustrated. Your memories are coming back in dreams and during the day, and you haven't been smoking pot or taking pills. You have final exams soon, and you're still trying to catch up on your makeup work."

I nodded stiffly and stared at the corner of his desk.

"I'm proud of you for not doing any drugs this week, Edward. I mean that. I know you still smoke cigarettes, and I know you think you hide it from me, but I'm not stupid. I would lecture you about how it's bad for your health, can lead to cancer, and could be part of what is keeping you awake at night, but I know you aren't stupid either," he said with a smirk. He probably thought he was being sly by lecturing me without really lecturing me.

"Can we get to the point?" I asked, slightly irritated.

"My point is that you have a lot going on, and you shouldn't try handling it all on your own. Let me help you. Let a stranger help you. Just talking and hearing another perspective on things can make a big difference. We could find someone you could try talking to once a week, and if you like them, we can increase the meetings to two times a week, if needed."

"I don't have time for some therapist. I don't need to spend a few hours every week talking to a random stranger –I need to be studying and passing these finals if I plan on graduating on time."

Carlisle seemed to think about my argument for a moment and nodded. "Alright, how about a compromise? We continue the drug testing every week, and afterward we sit down to just have a general discussion on how things are going. Twenty minutes of your time, that's all I'm asking for. When you finish your finals and are on summer break, you go to one meeting a week with a therapist to talk about your memories and dreams."

He was determined for me to see some shrink, that was obvious, but if I could hold him off for now, maybe I could convince him it wasn't necessary when he realizes how well I am handling everything. "Fine, can I go now?" I asked with a sigh.

"One last thing," he said quickly, then paused. He seemed to be debating something as he tapped his chin again. "You might want to consider talking to the Chicago police again as you remember more details from that night. I don't want you to feel like you have to, the decision is entirely yours and I will support you no matter what you chose, but it's something to consider, alright?"

I took a shaky breath and nodded. I hadn't really thought of that before. _Would I want to talk to the police again? Would my statement hold any kind of relevance, or would they just write it off because of my known mental condition? If I had to testify, would a jury even believe me?_

"Edward?" Carlisle asked, a concerned tone underlining his voice.

"Yeah, yeah… I'll… I'll think about it," I said slowly, furrowing my brows. Carlisle studied me for a moment, then nodded and stood. I got to my feet and headed for the door, but just as I reached the hallway, he called my name. I turned and raised an eyebrow in question, only barely noticing the flying keys before they hit my chest. He tossed my phone with a slight chuckle and smiled at me.

"You're no longer grounded. Try to keep your houseguests to the same gender, from now on, alright?"

I nodded and slipped my phone back into my pocket before turning to leave. Once my door was shut securely behind me, I dialed Jasper's number.

"Hey, how was seclusion?" he said with a hint of humor to his voice.

"Fucking spectacular. Did you stay at Bella's?"

"Yeah, but I can't tonight, so I'm just chilling in my car right now."

"Why can't you stay tonight? Did you get caught?"

He laughed and I heard the obvious sound of a car passing him. "No, and thanks for the vote of confidence. Bella's dad will be home tomorrow when it's time to leave for school, so there is no easy way of me sneaking out. Plus, there was the problem with my car being at school when everyone gets there in the morning, so I just left a few hours ago and have been listening to music. I didn't want my car to raise any suspicions."

"Good point. So you left it at the school all weekend?"

"Yeah, I parked it around the back side of the field."

"Huh. So where are you staying tonight then?"

There was a pause before Jasper spoke. "Uh, I was planning on my car," he said slowly, almost like it was a question.

"Dude, that's not cool. Wait until Carlisle goes to work around eleven, and you can come stay here tonight. I'll text you to let you know it's clear."

"You really think that's a good idea? I mean, you just got _un _-grounded. Do you really want to tempt fate?"

"It's not a big deal. He's leaving for work, and it's not like you're Bella or anything. Seriously, relax."

"Alright, fine. It's your head, not mine."

We exchanged our typical goodbye and I hung up. I glanced at the clock and decided to text Bella, but as I scrolled through my contacts list I realized I didn't have her number. I mentally cursed for not asking her for it, and contemplated asking Jasper to give it to me, but decided against it. I would see her in the morning and we could catch up during lunch.

I sighed and fell back on my bed, returning to my previous position and staring at the ceiling. I had a little over an hour to kill before Carlisle left for work. As my Nine Inch Nails CD played quietly in the background, I got lost in thought.

Carlisle's words swirled around my head as I remembered the dreams of the night my parents were killed. I hadn't gotten a glimpse of the person responsible, at least, not that I knew of, and I didn't know any specifics like how they got in or got out, so what kind of details did I really have for the police? Nothing. I had nothing new to give them, so why was Carlisle even bringing it up?

For the first time in a long time, I attempted to remember things on purpose. I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling and tried to focus on the missing pieces in my memory. I thought about the dreams of my mother at the piano and my father leaving for work and tried to force anything new to flood my brain, but nothing happened.

I sighed, rolled over onto my side and propped my head up. I tried focusing on my few memories of Jasper, and attempted to remember how we met, but all I got was a headache and more frustrated. As a softer song began, I relaxed and steadied my breathing.

When I was thirteen and in the hospital after everything happened, a therapist came to visit me. They tried all sorts of methods in order to help me remember and deal with everything, but none of it worked. One of the methods was meditation, but even then I was never a very calm or quiet person. I couldn't sit still or stop the random thoughts from entering my head, so the method was abandoned quickly.

However, as I stretched out on my bed and focused on the lyrics of the song, I found myself breathing deeply and relaxing. I closed my eyes and let the vocals take over my consciousness.

A distorted view of the high school slowly filtered into my mind. I mentally turned my head and realized I was inside of a car. Beside me, Jasper was laughing hysterically at something. When I looked back in front of me, Bella was standing there, screaming. We were somehow outside the car, and her hands were balled into tight fists as she spat out what looked like vicious words, but I couldn't hear her to know what they were.

I took a step forward, and she slowly faded away. Suddenly, I was standing on the sidewalk and staring out at the parking lot. Jasper stepped in front of me and nodded as his lips moved. I furrowed my brows, completely confused. It was like I could see everything going on, but nothing made sense without words… _volume_.

A sudden screeching came from beside me and I turned my head quickly. There was a bright light from the fender of a truck, and I covered my face. I waited for the impact, but after a few seconds of still standing there, shielding my face, I realized it wasn't coming. I opened my eyes and lowered my arms only to be blinded by a bright light above me.

As it flickered, I realized I wasn't outside anymore. The white ceiling above me seemed so far away and as I shifted to move, I felt the hard tiles beneath me. I glanced to my right as I moved my arms to sit up, but a giant hand covered my mouth and I found myself staring into icy blue eyes.

"Edward?"

I jumped and choked as I tried to catch my breath. I opened my eyes and immediately began kicking at the air as I struggled to get up.

"Edward! Calm down! It's just me," Carlisle said from my side as he pushed down on my shoulder.

"Get off!" I screamed, gasping for air.

Carlisle pulled his hand away and took a step back quickly. I looked around frantically and realized I was in my room. I finally managed to get my arms under me and pushed myself up.

"Did you have a dream?" Carlisle asked quietly.

I took a few more deep breaths before nodding my head slowly. I felt my chest tighten as my lungs expanded, and I swallowed.

I watched Carlisle take slow steps toward me in my peripheral vision. "Are you alright?" he asked as he touched my shoulder. "You seemed to be having trouble breathing."

"I'm fine," I lied.

He seemed to debate arguing with me for a moment. "Have you had this specific dream before?"

I shook my head. "Nothing like this. It was like… like… random images that faded together and made no sense. Pieces of Jasper and me, of Bella, of that night," I paused and shut my eyes. The vibrant pale blue eyes were still clear in my mind. _Had I gotten a glimpse of the murderer?_

"Did it feel like real events, or more like imagination?"

I shivered and opened my eyes as I turned to look at Carlisle. "It was real."

Carlisle nodded and stood up straight. He scratched the back of his neck as he stared down at me silently. "Alright, well, you were obviously startled or panicked about something in the dream. Did you want to talk about it?"

I sighed and shook my head. "No, I'll be fine." As I glanced up at Carlisle, I noticed how vivid his eyes were. They were almost the same blue as the eyes in my dream, only slightly darker.

"Well, I'm headed to work. Try and stay out of trouble at school tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon."

I nodded and he turned to walk out of my room. The sudden thought of being alone terrified me, but then I remembered that Jasper was coming over. An urge to ask for Carlisle's permission came over me, and before I could re-think the idea, the words were out of my mouth.

Carlisle stopped and turned back toward me. He studied me for a split second before nodding. "Yeah, he can stay the night if it would make you feel better. Just make sure it's okay with his parents first, of course."

I was slightly shocked by his response, but nodded quickly. "Yeah, of course. Thanks, Carlisle."

"Try and get some sleep tonight," he said as he exited my room.

I heard his footsteps on the stairs, and the front door opened and closed a few seconds later. I took another deep breath as I texted Jasper that the coast was clear.

./.

The rest of the night went smoothly. Jasper and I watched random crap on the television, and I eventually forgot about the strange dream and blue eyes. As I was getting ready to sleep, Jasper came out of the bathroom from his shower. I wondered if I would ever get used to his scars, and if he would ever tell me about them – really tell me about them, not just vague answers to obscure questions.

"Bella talks in her sleep, you know," he said as he shook the blanket out onto the floor.

I glanced over my shoulder at him and stared. "Really?"

He nodded and hummed a yes.

"What did she say?" I asked.

He tossed the pillow onto the floor and collapsed to the ground dramatically. He took a deep breath with his face buried in the pillow before rolling onto his side and looking over at me. "About kissing, Alice, pea coats, sex fingers, bumble-bees. You know, the usual," he said with a smirk.

I threw my spare pillow at him and it hit the side of his face. "Asshole! You have to give me more than that!"

"Fine," he said with a grin and wrapped his arm around the pillow. "But I'm keeping this. Consider it asshole tax."

"Whatever, just spill."

"Alright, alright. Chill man, Jesus." He stuffed the pillow under his head and lay on his back, wiggling into it with a ridiculous expression on his face. "Last night she kept talking about not wearing the bumble-bees because they would scare away the pea coat. It was really random and she kept groaning like she was trying to fight something off, mumbling Alice's name. The first night she went on and on about sex fingers and kissing. The moaning was a little difficult to sleep through, I must say." His lips twitched as he stared up at the ceiling.

He knew he was pissing me off.

I couldn't be there, and he could. He got to hear her moan before I did.

I hated him for that.

After a long moment of silence he sighed heavily. "And she said your name a lot," he finally added.

I almost threw my last pillow at him, but I knew he would keep it too. "You're a dick, you know that?" I said bitterly.

"Hey, you said you had no problem with it," he said nonchalantly.

I growled quietly and closed my eyes. He was right, I did, but that was before I knew that she talked in her sleep… and moaned.

_Did she moan my name? _I soft whimper escaped my lips as I fantasized about the sound… her expression… her _skin_.

"She mentioned me once, too. That was strange."

My eyes flew open and I glared at him, but he wasn't looking my way. "What did she say?" I asked, trying to hide the jealousy from my tone.

"She repeated 'friend' over and over. I thought she was still awake at the time, but when I called her name she didn't respond. She also mentioned 'can't know', but I don't know if that had to do with me, or something else."

We were both silent for what felt like a long time. I was afraid of saying something that made me sound like a jealous asshole when I knew that I was worrying about nothing.

"I was kind of hoping that Alice would come over while I was there, but she didn't. Bella mentioned that she was hanging out with Emmett for the weekend since he is leaving soon. Do you think I should ask her out?" he asked, propping himself up on his side with his elbow.

All sense of jealousy faded away at the mention of his interest in Alice. "Yeah, if you like her, go for it. She's a little young, but we can't all be picky," I said with a wink.

He glared at me and chuckled sarcastically. His face slowly fell and he looked down at the corner of his blanket. "I'm worried about her seeing my scars."

I stared at him, a sudden sense of guilt washing over me for my comment. I hadn't thought about his scars and how it might affect a relationship.

"It's the reason I've avoided dating in the past. That's not a part of me I want to share, you know?" He gripped the back of his neck and closed his eyes before falling back against his pillow with a thud and a sigh. "Why'd this shit happen to us? Why does it _keep _happening to us? Can't fate or God or whatever it wants to be called fuck off and give someone else a turn?"

I swallowed and looked away, sensing the awkwardness. I had asked myself that question many times in what little of my life I could remember, but it wasn't until Jasper said that, that I realized I wasn't the only one who got the short end of the stick.

"Maybe we haven't learned what we were supposed to learn from it all," I said quietly, recalling words that I had heard before, but couldn't place.

"That's a load of bullshit. What kind of crap are we supposed to learn from this? How the world is fucked up? Check. How family will let you down, tear you apart or leave you? Check. I mean, fuck, what other grand lesson are we supposed to walk away with?" His voice went up an octave and cracked on the word away.

I glanced back down at him on the floor and saw his chin shaking as he clenched his jaw. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned onto his side, facing away from me.

I sighed quietly and tried to think of how to respond. "I'm sorry, man. You can stay here any time you need to. Every night, if you want. You don't have to go back home; you can tell someone."

"I can't," he mumbled. He pulled the blanket up over his shoulder and turned his face into the pillow.

"I'm sorry I can't do more to help. You can trust me though. I mean that," I said quietly.

"I know," he mumbled after a moment, his voice lacking the bitterness or anger it had a few minutes ago.

I didn't know what else to do or say, so I laid back and stared at the ceiling until I slowly drifted to sleep.

./.

We woke to some random song on my iPod, and as we got ready for school, we moved silently and avoided eye contact. We slipped into our cars and headed for school without uttering a word to one another. Bella and Alice were waiting for us near the gate, and when they noticed us pull into the parking lot, they walked toward us.

Alice waved when we were only a few feet away and smiled wide as she said a rather chipper hello. Bella unwrapped her arms from her torso and threw them open as she slammed into my chest, pulling me into a tight hug.

"I missed you," she breathed into my ear.

I furrowed my brows and pulled back so that I could look at her face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why would anything be wrong?" she asked in an unusual tone. She attempted a smile but it just looked too awkward to be genuine, or maybe I just didn't know her well enough to know genuine from awkward yet.

I shrugged and slid my hand down her back to her hand and intertwined our fingers. "No reason, I guess." _You're just acting strange,_ I finished mentally.

I studied her out of the corner of my eye as we walked onto campus. Jasper was following behind us a few steps with Alice off to Bella's side, and the only sound was the random patterns of scuffling fabric on the pavement from our jeans.

We all seemed to drift toward Bella's first period class before stopping. I glanced at Jasper who was staring straight ahead at trig down the hall and snuck a peek at Alice before Bella broke the silence.

"So, lunch like usual?" she asked in a chipper tone.

I nodded and squeezed her hand. "We should get to class," I said after another moment of silence.

"Okay," she said with an eager nod. She glanced at my lips and then looked down at the pavement.

I got the hint.

I leaned down while I lifted her chin with my finger until our lips met. The kiss was warmer than the previous ones had been, and I immediately felt the tension in her body release as she eased into me. I was going for sweet or gentle, maybe even charming, but she made me crave more. It took a gentle bump from someone maneuvering around us to enter the classroom to remind me of our surrounding.

As I pulled away, I smiled at her still closed eyes and subdued facial expression. "I'll see you at lunch," I whispered and gave her hand one last squeeze.

Alice had already departed for her sophomore class down the hall, and Jasper turned to join me as I headed for trig. The sudden awkwardness returned instantly and I sighed as we slid into our seats a few minutes early.

"What's with the weirdness? Did I do something? Forget something?" I asked as I pulled my lecture materials out of my bag.

Jasper turned and stared – his eyebrows furrowed and his expression serious. "No, why?"

"Because I feel like I did something wrong or stupid. You're radiating… I don't know what it is, but it's awkward. What's with the silent treatment?"

Jasper rolled his eyes and focused his attention back on his materials. "Nothing, it's just personal shit."

"Personal shit, or stupid emo shit, because you've seemed down ever since," I paused, not sure how to phrase whatever had happened last night.

"Look, I'm sorry I dumped my baggage on you, and thanks for the hospitality the past few weeks and everything, but it's better if I just keep my shit to myself. People don't get hurt that way," he said bitterly, nearly mumbling to himself as he reached the end of his rant.

I stared at him in shock, utterly confused about what the hell had just happened. _Had he been thinking about this all morning? Did a dream perhaps spur this reaction? _"Wha-what? I don't understand," I said slowly, trying to form any kind of conclusion while attempting to speak at the same time. It didn't work so well.

"Just drop it. I'm not your concern," he said through his teeth.

His words slowly sunk in. _People won't get hurt that way… I'm not your concern. He's trying to shut everyone out. I know that move, and it's bullshit. _

"Fuck that," I whispered, practically hissing at him. "You're my friend so that _makes you _my concern, and just a reminder, asshole, you're people too."

His jaw clenched and unclenched visibly as he stared straight ahead at the front of the room. He could be pissed at me all he wanted, but he helped me when I didn't even remember who he was and I was going to be damned if he tried to back out of this friendship when I owed him.

The bell rang and we weren't given any free time in class. The entire period was filled with lecture because apparently too many people had failed to get a decent grade on the last quiz. When trig ended, Jasper practically flew out of his seat and stormed off to his second period class.

I was nearly shaking with anger when I slumped into my Spanish class. Emmett glanced at me with a questioning expression but I just huffed loudly and he left me alone. The rest of my morning passed slowly, and by the time lunch had come around I was finally calming down.

That was, until Jasper didn't show up in the cafeteria.

Bella took the seat next to me and Alice sat across from us with a confused look. "Where's Jasper?" she asked.

"Fuck if I know," I mumbled.

Alice and Bella both leaned back as if I had physically slapped them. "Sorry," I sighed. "I don't know where the asshole went. I asked him why he was acting weird all morning and he told me to back off and not worry about him. He basically said thanks but no thanks for the offer of moving in and told me to stay out of his shit."

"He said that?" Bella asked with a gasp.

"Why would he move in with you?" Alice asked.

I glanced at Bella and sighed. I'd forgotten that Alice didn't know about Jasper. "He hates his place, and we hang out so much he practically lives there," I said, attempting to explain.

Alice looked even more confused, but didn't ask any more questions. She glanced around the cafeteria and fidgeted.

"Why would he say that?" Bella asked quietly.

"He… he kind of said some shit last night, and I think he's regretting it. He's putting up walls," I said very quietly, hoping only Bella had heard as Alice was distracted looking around the room.

Bella frowned and slouched her shoulders. "We should go find him," she said after a moment of contemplation.

"I'll go," Alice said, already out of her seat. She turned and walked toward the exit before either of us could protest, leaving her bag and lunch behind.

I sighed and thought about stopping her, knowing the last person Jasper wanted knowing about him and his problems was Alice, but I decided that maybe he needed an outside perspective on things.

Besides, it gave me some alone time with Bella.

"Nothing happened," Bella said out of the blue.

I turned and studied her before responding. "I know. What makes you bring that up?"

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't mad at Jasper because of him staying at my place all weekend." She pushed her food around on her tray idly, avoiding my gaze. "That's not why this whole thing with Jasper happened, is it?"

"No, of course not. I'm not mad, and I mean that. I'm jealous, sure, but I'm not mad at him." That got her attention.

"Jealous? Over what?" she asked with a chuckle.

"You talk in your sleep," I said with a grin.

Her face flushed a deep red and the image of her standing in front of me with a spilled plate of lettuce flashed in my mind. The memory was gone just as quickly as it came, and I wondered when that had happened.

"Oh, God… he heard me? Oh… dang-it! What did I say?" she asked shyly. She hunched over slightly and peered up at me through her lashes like she was afraid.

"Apparently you like bumblebees and pea coats. Is this a fetish I should know about? I mean, I've heard about role playing, but I'm not going to dance in a meadow like some _Blind Melon_ video," I teased.

"Oh, God," she whimpered, cringing and hiding her face.

"I'm just teasing. Well, kind of, but you really did mention those things. Jasper said you also mentioned Alice and something about sex fingers. I must say, I'm definitely curious."

She sighed into her palms and shook her head, still hiding in her hands. "I'm so embarrassed," she mumbled through her hands.

I smirked and lifted her chin. She struggled against me at first, but eventually she succumbed and looked up into my eyes. For a moment, I was lost in her gaze. She looked so innocent, naïve even, and I doubted whether I should be so forward with her. _Had she been with guys before me? _

I blinked, clearing the random daze and pressed my lips to her forehead. "Don't be embarrassed," I whispered. My lips lingered against her skin as I smiled before looking back down at her.

"You know, I thought I had you all figured out," she said with a shy grin.

"How so?"

"Well, the day I caught you and Jasper smoking in the parking lot, I just figured you two were pot smokers – you know, the typical high school delinquents you see in the media. I imagined you guys as slackers, charming slackers, but still slackers," she said, laughing slightly.

"But now?" I asked as I rubbed the bottle of soda back and forth in my hands.

"But now," she hesitated, "now I don't know what to think of you. You don't fit into the typical clichés of high school guys, but in a way you kind of do, except… it's more like a mask to keep people out." She chuckled and shook her head, looking down at her tray. "I don't know what I'm talking about," she mumbled.

"No, you're right kind of. It was a mask, but not for other people, it was for me. I never knew how to act because nothing ever felt right or comfortable. I had to create someone out of myself for me to be. It was almost like playing a constant role in a TV show or something. Eventually, I just felt like that must be who I was." I unscrewed the cap and took a large drink of the soda.

Bella was silent for a few moments before I saw her nod out of the corner of my eye. "This feels natural," she mumbled.

"It does," I agreed, and she glanced up at me in surprise. Perhaps she thought I wouldn't hear her comment.

"I thought things would be awkward, like in the movies. Fumbling of lips and uncertain which way to lean, or if public displays of affection were _cool _or not, but it isn't like that," she said thoughtfully.

"Wait," I paused as I fully let her words sink in. "Was that your first kiss?" I asked quietly, peering down into her eyes.

She flushed and looked down as she bit her lip.

"It was, wasn't it?"

Slowly she nodded and turned her head away; her hair fell off of her shoulder and shielded her face.

"Why didn't you tell me that night that you came over then?" I asked curiously.

"I… was _going _to, but then the whole thing with Jasper happened, and," her voice trailed off as she shrugged.

"So that means I'm your first boyfriend?" I asked as I silently prepared for a mental celebration dance in my head like a four-year-old.

She nodded again very slowly.

The four-year-old danced and I tried to contain my smile. "Well, how is it going so far? Do I make an alright boyfriend?" I asked as I nudged her gently.

She laughed and looked up at me just before rolling her eyes. "It's confusing, but only when I start over thinking things. There _could _be more kissing," she said with a smirk, "but I guess I shouldn't be greedy."

I leaned down and pulled her chin up as I pressed my lips to hers. She parted them almost instantly and our tongues briefly slid together. Her skin was warmer than it was this morning and she seemed relaxed as she moved in closer to deepen the kiss. My fingers traced her jaw line to the back of her neck, and I tilted her head up slightly as I threaded my fingers into her hair.

A soft vibration from the back of her throat was coupled with the sound of a moan and I immediately pressed my lips to hers tighter. I felt light headed and realized it was from the lack of oxygen. We both drew in a sudden breath as I leaned back.

I clenched my eyes closed and swallowed, trying to avoid the possibility of an embarrassing erection in the cafeteria. When I opened my eyes, she was staring back at me intensely. "What?" I asked, and my voice cracked. I cleared my throat and attempted a smile but it probably looked cheesy.

"Nothing," she whispered, and the faint trace of blush streaked across her cheekbones.

The rest of lunch passed quietly. We finished our food and Bella told me about her weekend with Jasper. We both kept glancing at the door in hopes of Alice and Jasper returning, but they never showed. When it was time to head to class, Bella stared at Alice's backpack as she tried to decide what to do.

"You could take it to her class, and set it at a desk," I suggested.

"Yeah, I guess. Hopefully she just goes to fifth period instead of coming back here first."

We dropped off her bag and barely made it to bio before the bell. As it drew nearer to sixth period, I grew more agitated knowing that Jasper would be there. Fifth period slowly turned into sixth, and I found myself sitting beside an empty seat.

_Had he left early? Did Alice ever find him? Would he have gone home?_

The bell signaling the end of school rang loudly in my ears and I began to worry. I gathered my things and tried to rush out the door, but Mr. Jefferson asked for me to wait.

As he rambled on about turning in my makeup assignments, all I could think of was Jasper, so when he said his name, I instantly tuned into the one sided conversation.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

"I said, be sure to let Jasper know about the prep test this Wednesday. I noticed he wasn't in class this afternoon, and the notes covering today's lecture will be vital."

I nodded at Mr. Jefferson and told him that I would be sure to let him know, then asked if there was anything else. He excused me and I nearly ran out the door.

I rounded the corner of the building and almost slammed right into someone. I skidded to a stop and went to open my mouth to apologize until I realized who it was. Before I could react, a fist connected with my jaw, snapping my head to the right.

"That's for the bitch that fucked up my nose."

There was another dull thud and sharp pain across my left cheekbone as I tried to look forward. I stumbled back a step or two and brought my palm to my face as I stretched my jaw.

"That's for the bitch that fractured my foot and fucked up our chances of winning this week's game."

As I glanced back up, I saw him leaning his shoulder back in preparation of another punch. I turned to the side just as he threw his arm forward and pulled my knee up. He muttered a profanity and doubled over when my kneecap connected with his groin.

I winced as I opened my mouth wide and a sharp pain shot through my jaw. I spit the small amount of blood that had pooled in my mouth out onto the cement beside the freshman and rolled my shoulders back.

"That's for not learning to leave shit alone that doesn't involve you," I spat bitterly and continued walking toward the parking lot, leaving Jake on his knees and cupping his balls.

As I exited the campus gate, I immediately spotted Bella leaning against her truck with two backpacks, one over each shoulder, and her phone in hand. She was focused on the screen, and seemed to be texting. I looked to the right and spotted my car, but Jasper's was gone.

* * *

**A/N: **So... yeah. Long time no update, right? I'm so sorry. I have dozens of excuses involving upcoming graduation, work, family... but in the end, none of that matters. I took forever, and I'm sorry. Please don't hate me! Truth be told, this was the most difficult chapter to date. It just didn't want to flow, so I wrote it in tiny sections at a time. The next 10 weeks will be slow for updates as I'm graduating, but I'm not abandoning my stories - I promise you that.

Have questions, comments, or concerns? Please leave a review, send me a pm, or catch me on twitter. I'm an open book, and don't bite.

Thanks for sticking with me - I truly appreciate it.


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